Major Break Through; We Both Feel Stupid
Apr 28, 2024 15:35:33 GMT -5
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Post by littlesunshine666 on Apr 28, 2024 15:35:33 GMT -5
Soooo we finally had sex last night. The whole day prior, we were in really shitty/depressed moods surrounding the sexless marriage. And, as it often does, it led to another very emotional argument about how we both felt and how frustrating the whole scenario had become.
Breakthroughs for him:
1. Just how debilitating the pain of neglect had been
2. How difficult healing has continued to be for me
3. Why flashbacks and triggers keep happening
4. Why trust and safety are so hard for me to rebuild after they were broken
5. He had gotten all tangled up in performance anxiety, fearing that the sex wouldn't be good for me, that he was terrible in bed, and that I'd roll up with a long list of sexual requests he had to fulfill in order for me to be pleased with the encounter. Which led to him tensing up instead of letting his guard down and being vulnerable.
Breakthroughs for me:
1. That I was still stuck in the pain of the betrayal despite my efforts. And because of that, I hadn't accepted any of his apologies or real efforts towards being a better spouse. I saw them and they did help some. But the core wound was still open and oozing. And as long as it hadn't been closed yet, I demanded more effort and change from him to heal me.
2. That I had gotten so lost in the weeds about how we have sex, what steps we include in sex, what positions, how fast, how slow, what he's thinking about, what he thinks of my body, etc. that I had overcomplicated things to the point of crippling anxiety and entirely lost sight of how sex used to feel in our good days. Back then, it was good because we went with the flow and let our guards down. It was awkward at the time, but it was so easy and effortless because we weren't following a script/set list.
3. He was hurt that nothing he seemed to do to apologize, repair, and better himself seemed to exist to me. And to be fair, they kinda hadn't. I was in a bad habit of briefly acknowledging them in the moment, but very quickly waving them off and demanding an even larger demonstration of contrition. If I was still hurting, I assumed it meant he simply hadn't done/proven himself enough.
After our fight that night, we calmed down and reached a general point of understanding. The summary of where we were at was this: He was still anxious, I was still anxious, he asked me to try trusting him again, I said I didnt know how because the porn still scared me so much. Though we didn't agree on everything, we understood how the other felt and why. He later proposed that we just have sex later that night. He said he thought it was maybe the worst idea since we'd just gone through an emotionally taxing argument. But that it was also maybe the best idea since that was the root of all the turmoil. Maybe if we just jumped back in and went for it, it'll get us back to rebuilding comfort around it.
At first, I said no because my emotions were still running oretty high. But once I calmed myself down with grounding exercises, I eventually agreed. We were both terrified, but we faced our fears head on and just went for it.
And my god. It was the best sex we'd had in a long long time. There was foreplay, powerful climaxes, we felt so present and connected. And there was aftercare! We just kinda laid there in the aftermath and he was like "...that was fucking incredible. Now I feel so stupid. Was it really that simple? It felt so good! Like, I actually felt present and in the moment! Looking back, I don't know how I let myself get so distracted to the point that I denied us this!". And I echoed his sentiments, personally shocked that all of my anxiety about the specific steps of sex were laughable considering we'd just followed our guts, communicated, and let it flow naturally. We laughed at ourselves a bit, we wept together over the harm that had been done to ourselves and to the marriage, we let our walls down and finally saw each other.
We went to bed that night having turned a new and pivotal page in our relationship. He really has shown me change, commitment, and contrition ever since. But I was in so much pain that I kept beating him over the head with his mistake and feeling that since I wasn't healed he hadn't done enough yet.
We're big fans of the Gottman Institute. And in retrospect, we'd been stuck in the Atone stage of "Atone-Atune-Attach" for the past year. Having realized that, we're so relieved and excited to proceed into Atune and Attach. We know it will take time and won't be perfect. There will be bumps along the way, there will be triggers to heal, and I have my own healing to continue. But this was the first time in such a long time that we had a step forward. The whole day prior was a nightmare, but the result that night made it very much worth it.
Breakthroughs for him:
1. Just how debilitating the pain of neglect had been
2. How difficult healing has continued to be for me
3. Why flashbacks and triggers keep happening
4. Why trust and safety are so hard for me to rebuild after they were broken
5. He had gotten all tangled up in performance anxiety, fearing that the sex wouldn't be good for me, that he was terrible in bed, and that I'd roll up with a long list of sexual requests he had to fulfill in order for me to be pleased with the encounter. Which led to him tensing up instead of letting his guard down and being vulnerable.
Breakthroughs for me:
1. That I was still stuck in the pain of the betrayal despite my efforts. And because of that, I hadn't accepted any of his apologies or real efforts towards being a better spouse. I saw them and they did help some. But the core wound was still open and oozing. And as long as it hadn't been closed yet, I demanded more effort and change from him to heal me.
2. That I had gotten so lost in the weeds about how we have sex, what steps we include in sex, what positions, how fast, how slow, what he's thinking about, what he thinks of my body, etc. that I had overcomplicated things to the point of crippling anxiety and entirely lost sight of how sex used to feel in our good days. Back then, it was good because we went with the flow and let our guards down. It was awkward at the time, but it was so easy and effortless because we weren't following a script/set list.
3. He was hurt that nothing he seemed to do to apologize, repair, and better himself seemed to exist to me. And to be fair, they kinda hadn't. I was in a bad habit of briefly acknowledging them in the moment, but very quickly waving them off and demanding an even larger demonstration of contrition. If I was still hurting, I assumed it meant he simply hadn't done/proven himself enough.
After our fight that night, we calmed down and reached a general point of understanding. The summary of where we were at was this: He was still anxious, I was still anxious, he asked me to try trusting him again, I said I didnt know how because the porn still scared me so much. Though we didn't agree on everything, we understood how the other felt and why. He later proposed that we just have sex later that night. He said he thought it was maybe the worst idea since we'd just gone through an emotionally taxing argument. But that it was also maybe the best idea since that was the root of all the turmoil. Maybe if we just jumped back in and went for it, it'll get us back to rebuilding comfort around it.
At first, I said no because my emotions were still running oretty high. But once I calmed myself down with grounding exercises, I eventually agreed. We were both terrified, but we faced our fears head on and just went for it.
And my god. It was the best sex we'd had in a long long time. There was foreplay, powerful climaxes, we felt so present and connected. And there was aftercare! We just kinda laid there in the aftermath and he was like "...that was fucking incredible. Now I feel so stupid. Was it really that simple? It felt so good! Like, I actually felt present and in the moment! Looking back, I don't know how I let myself get so distracted to the point that I denied us this!". And I echoed his sentiments, personally shocked that all of my anxiety about the specific steps of sex were laughable considering we'd just followed our guts, communicated, and let it flow naturally. We laughed at ourselves a bit, we wept together over the harm that had been done to ourselves and to the marriage, we let our walls down and finally saw each other.
We went to bed that night having turned a new and pivotal page in our relationship. He really has shown me change, commitment, and contrition ever since. But I was in so much pain that I kept beating him over the head with his mistake and feeling that since I wasn't healed he hadn't done enough yet.
We're big fans of the Gottman Institute. And in retrospect, we'd been stuck in the Atone stage of "Atone-Atune-Attach" for the past year. Having realized that, we're so relieved and excited to proceed into Atune and Attach. We know it will take time and won't be perfect. There will be bumps along the way, there will be triggers to heal, and I have my own healing to continue. But this was the first time in such a long time that we had a step forward. The whole day prior was a nightmare, but the result that night made it very much worth it.