|
Post by littlesunshine666 on May 12, 2024 2:48:25 GMT -5
TL;DR Betrayal trauma is still kicking my ass. And one of my many triggers is porn.
Porn was something I supported wholeheartedly while we were long distance. But when it came to porn usage after we'd moved in together, I was very wary of it from the start. But I warmed up to the idea and eventually accepted it within our agreed upon boundaries (that its fine as long as it doesn't negatively impact our sex life). And then, as described in my other posts, it did just that.
Since then, my husband has drastically reduced his usage and we're practicing having regular sex again. But I'm really struggling with porn's presence in our marriage again.
From his side of things, it was a problem in the past, he's taken significant strides in acknowledging and correcting that problem, it's no longer negatively impacting our sex life, so it shouldn't be a problem.
But on my side, it's an open flame in the house after the house nearly burned down. And after the devastation we've now been through, it doesn't seem worth the risk to go on playing with fire. It no longer feels safe or healthy for me to be in a relationship that requires the privilege of looking at/orgasming to media of other people's naked bodies or genatalia.
Maybe it's the feminist in me coming out. Maybe it's my childhood sexual trauma coming out. Maybe it's just the betrayal trauma. But is it crazy to think that something like porn is an addiction if you can't live without it?
Both me and my spouse started using porn at a young age and have used it ever since. Neither of us have ever been in a relationship where we didn't use porn within it. And I'm just as sexually aroused as the next person. I get off to porn just like any other porn user does. But both because it's a trigger for me and could be an addiction for him, I proposed we both quit using porn. It's the one thing we've never tried. And if we feel the desire to watch porn, we at least make it an opportunity for intimacy by watching it together. But when I asked him if this was something he'd be willing to try with me, he strongly opposed it, said he's uncomfortable watching porn together, and said he isn't willing to stop using porn. Which didn't really help me addiction fears.
I know I'm at a crossroads. He's made himself clear: porn isn't a big deal, he won't stop using it. I either have to find a way to heal within that scenario and accept it or walk away. But am I overreacting to this? Considering the harm his porn usage has caused our marriage, is it inappropriate or controlling for me to ask him to quit?
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on May 12, 2024 10:32:32 GMT -5
My 1st thoughts are it isn't inappropriate for you to speak to him about the porn. One question from me is "how much porn is he taking in"? Is it once or twice a week or just about every day? If it isn't a big deal to him he should at least be willing to meet your concerns somewhere you can both live with it.
|
|
|
Post by jim44444 on May 12, 2024 19:08:09 GMT -5
littlesunshine666 you wrote It is always appropriate to discuss your relationship with your partner. His unwillingness to watch porn with you or to stop using it is a red flag. He seems to be placing his pleasure foremost and yours as an afterthought. Jus my opinion from reading your posts and as always I could be/probably am wrong.
|
|
|
Post by littlesunshine666 on May 13, 2024 7:41:39 GMT -5
My 1st thoughts are it isn't inappropriate for you to speak to him about the porn. One question from me is "how much porn is he taking in"? Is it once or twice a week or just about every day? If it isn't a big deal to him he should at least be willing to meet your concerns somewhere you can both live with it. He's been transparent about it having been an basically a daily or multi-daily thing for him before we moved in together (he was going through divorce after an open marriage). So compared to that, he's never returned to that level of frequency since we've cohabitated. Even when things were most intensely sexless and he was choosing porn/masturbation over sex with me, it wasn't at that level. It was multiple times a week, but not every single day. But currently, he's cut it back even more than that and it's only once or twice a week. He really has cut back significantly now and I'm not denying that. But even though I constantly remind myself of that, whenever he takes too long in the bathroom (that was one of the places he'd go to masturbate during the neglect) or outright tells me he wants to masturbate, I feel all of the same panic, anxiety, and heartbreak I used to feel when he was neglecting our sex life. It's a definite improvement that he is no longer neglecting me. But I'm terrified of having to ever live through that trauma again. For context, he has a bit of an addictive personality. From e-cigarettes to THC to diet/weightloss. He will get hooked on something as a coping mechanism or source of instant gratification in life and staunchly defend his usage of it. If he expresses a desire to quit, he'll stay strong for a very brief period before slowly edging his way back into it. I had to be the keeper of his THC vape and literally hide it's storage location because he didn't think he could control his usage consistently without outside help. He wanted to lose weight. But the one time his diet was effective was because he personally put me in charge of managing what he could and couldn't eat, since he knew he'd cave left to his own devices. For example, I am 420 friendly to an extent. But due to my profession, I'm prohibited from partaking. He would use legal THC vape pens or smoke socially if our friends had the real deal. But then he was out of a job for a while and was really kicking himself when it was months before an at home drug test finally came back clean. It was liveable since I cover most of our bills and he had savings. But it was a situation I never wanted to go through again after that time. He said the same, saying it wasn't worth it. But then he'd get a new job, really love the job, and shortly afterwards start saying he missed smoking and wanted to smoke every now and then. I'd always be the voice of reason and caution, reminding him of how frustrated he'd been trying to test clean. Cautioning him that anything could happen at work and we can't know when he'll need to apply for jobs I'm the future. But he'd promise to be careful/responsible with it this time and that everything would be fine. And it would be at first. But the use would gradually increase until it was a constant thing again. By no fault of his own, he's had to unexpectedly hunt for another job twice since that first time. Owners of a business unexpectedly closed up shop, company restructuring, etc. And every single time, my inner voice is like "bro, I told you so". But I'm not really a "told you so" type. I don't say these things to hate on my spouse or judge them. I'm just trying to explain why I have so much anxiety about porn now and why it's proving difficult to trust him with it rn. It's this pattern/trait of his that makes me so nervous about porn in general now because I know how easily he can cave, relapse, self-justify, etc. I know he tends to give up on a change when old cravings kick in.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on May 14, 2024 7:12:32 GMT -5
Has his heavy porn use given him an absurdly high libido? Does he find it easier to keep away if he gets sex twice a day? Is that something you'd be willing to try in order to see whether the habit can be tamed?
Is he feeling antsy in between rounds with you? Are you the one calling the shots when it comes to when and how often? Have you refused him sometimes? (not shaming, data gathering) He may figure if you're not asking, he's more or less expected to service himself. He uses those opportunities to fantasize about 400 pound women since you wisely refused to become one. If he feels the loss of his fantasy life is painful, I could see that. Is that what's required? Would it trouble you to know he is imagining that you are that 400 pound orb of beauty he'd been looking at only hours earlier? What if that is how he has been managing intimacy with you. Is that okay? Is it a deal-breaker?
If he were getting your constant attention, the craving for his digital/paper harem might wane. OTOH, a male body may be wired to crave variety and frequency even if he is fully satiated by his monogamous partner.
Is the cure worse than the disease?
As a final observation, it seems as though you have semi-fixed your problem, but now you're upset about something he hasn't done yet. You're not smelling the roses and enjoying your success very long and it opens the door to a viewpoint that "nothing makes her happy". Guys tell themselves that over less.
We have ILIASM members longing to be where you have arrived. Bathe in it a while, and maybe cross that bridge when you come to it?
|
|
|
Post by littlesunshine666 on May 28, 2024 3:38:10 GMT -5
Has his heavy porn use given him an absurdly high libido? Does he find it easier to keep away if he gets sex twice a day? Is that something you'd be willing to try in order to see whether the habit can be tamed? Is he feeling antsy in between rounds with you? Are you the one calling the shots when it comes to when and how often? Have you refused him sometimes? (not shaming, data gathering) He may figure if you're not asking, he's more or less expected to service himself. He uses those opportunities to fantasize about 400 pound women since you wisely refused to become one. If he feels the loss of his fantasy life is painful, I could see that. Is that what's required? Would it trouble you to know he is imagining that you are that 400 pound orb of beauty he'd been looking at only hours earlier? What if that is how he has been managing intimacy with you. Is that okay? Is it a deal-breaker? If he were getting your constant attention, the craving for his digital/paper harem might wane. OTOH, a male body may be wired to crave variety and frequency even if he is fully satiated by his monogamous partner. Is the cure worse than the disease? As a final observation, it seems as though you have semi-fixed your problem, but now you're upset about something he hasn't done yet. You're not smelling the roses and enjoying your success very long and it opens the door to a viewpoint that "nothing makes her happy". Guys tell themselves that over less. We have ILIASM members longing to be where you have arrived. Bathe in it a while, and maybe cross that bridge when you come to it? Hey there. In short, I'm just really scared to put my heart on the line and trust it won't get shattered again. Especially with this being a habit I have no personal way of knowing if he's losing control again... But I will answer your questions, of course. "Has his heavy porn use given him an absurdly high libido?" (No. With him, it kills his libido off. It's already lower in general. But when his usage gets heavy, it's nonexistent. "Does he find it easier to keep away if he gets sex twice a day?" (No. He's not really the primary one eager for/pursuing coupled sex. In the past, he's made desperate propositions that he'd quit the porn if I did his fetish. I did his fetish for a year and a half. Him quitting porn lasted about a week.) "Is that something you'd be willing to try in order to see whether the habit can be tamed?" (I have tried this every way to Sunday from the start, to the point that I was practically throwing myself at him. I initiated regularly, but just got rejected regularly. I bought sex toys, lingerie, all the works to tempt his eye. No reaction. It's definitely not a lack of sex on the table that's fueling his habit.) "Is he feeling antsy in between rounds with you?" (No lol. *raises hand* That would be me. I can live with once every week or so. But if I don't initiate or say anything, he can go a month or two with just porn before he's like "huh. It's been a while since we've had sex") "Are you the one calling the shots when it comes to when and how often?" (Not by a long shot lol. *raises hand again* That would be him lol. I'm a "any time, any day, just say the word and I'm sprinting to the bed" kinda girl. But since he has the lower libido/interest, the frequency is under his control) "Have you refused him sometimes?" (Over the course of our 3 year marriage, I've only refused him twice that I can recall: after an argument when I was still too weepy to feel up to it. But otherwise, very little could make me pass up an opportunity for sex with him. I could be in a damn wheelchair after intense surgery. But if he is in the mood AND directs that mood towards me?? Ain't nobody will have seen a wheelchair move as fast as I'd be rolling 🤣🤣🤣) "He may figure if you're not asking, he's more or less expected to service himself. He uses those opportunities to fantasize about 400 pound women since you wisely refused to become one. If he feels the loss of his fantasy life is painful, I could see that. Is that what's required?" (That's a no from me. I stay asking. He's not servicing himself because of sex scarcity. Him servicing himself left me with sex scarcity. And now that we're taking steps toward a restored sex life, I never want to live through that hell again if I can help it...) "Would it trouble you to know he is imagining that you are that 400 pound orb of beauty he'd been looking at only hours earlier? What if that is how he has been managing intimacy with you. Is that okay? Is it a deal-breaker?" (Originally, it wouldn't trouble me. But after how bad it got so quickly, it would definitely trouble me. And if that's how he's been managing intimacy? Again, in context of what happened, not okay for me and most likely a deal breaker. I feel it's reasonable to desire a sex life with someone who doesn't have to "manage it" by imagining another woman the whole time) "If he were getting your constant attention, the craving for his digital/paper harem might wane." (...I wish, but that has never been the case. He's had my constant sexual attention and desire from day 1 to this day, but it has no impact whatsoever on his cravings.) I see your point of smelling the roses and enjoying the progress. But using the analogy of a car crash. I'm all for enjoying my next car and being grateful I survived. Truly. But before I let my guard fully down and enjoy the breeze in my hair, I have to know why the accident happened. Not to point fingers, but to move forward better equipped to prevent another one. Identifying what circumstances led to the accident so they can be avoided. Spotting what mistakes were made and why so they can be corrected. And I'm struggling in this situation because, while we survived the crash and are now working to get the hang of a new car, the distraction of porn played such a central role in the crash. So it feels too risky to just pluck it from the wreckage and carry it into the new car just because it looks pretty...
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on May 29, 2024 6:21:11 GMT -5
I was totally barking up the wrong tree there. So he quit for a week. Wonder if he quits for two days whether he can build up a head of steam for you. Or maybe that's what happened on your "Just Do It" night.
Lap belt, air bag, and helmet on. Protected as best you can be. It can be tough to enjoy the scenery. Took me two years to trust Mrs. MirrorOrchid's reset was the real deal.
I suppose I have some idea how you feel. Resets are not common, it seems, so I cannot say your mistrust is ill placed. The mistrust can make it difficult to enjoy the moment. I'm not one to talk. I commonly live in the future and ignore the present myself.
I also remember the SM years where the last few blissful encounters were followed with questions of dread: "How many months until next time?" Shortly after is when I had "The Talk" and months later, started the outsourcing plan.
Emerging from SM, the fear of reversal is palpable. You only just saw the roses, they may be plastic and will have no smell to enjoy. My apologies for the Polyanna attitude. I'm better remembering what it was like to be in your shoes. It dulls the joy in a way that's unfair, maybe unavoidable. Maybe he needs to understand the treasure he can bestow upon you if he makes the reset a real thing and the "car crash" he can cause if he's not paying attention to the needs of the marriage in pursuit of fantasies. He's done good. He needs to keep the foot on the gas, at least a little bit. He shouldn't want to allow himself to have been a mirage.
|
|