Post by baza on Jun 18, 2016 22:58:09 GMT -5
Sister elle, I've finally got around to this subject (that we discussed briefly on another thread).
Of the assorted examples I note below, I have deliberately not named names (as I have not sought the permission of the relevant members to do so. They are a bit of an amalgam of various members).
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Any way, this is (yet another) of my theories, and I am putting it out there for the membership to kick the shit out of.
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In my opinion, there are two costs in winding up a dysfunctional relationship.
#1 - the logistical / financial cost.
This one will vary from person to person, circumstance to circumstance.
From the "not actually married, no kids, little joint property" person - - - to the "intermingled children, complicated financial situation etc" at the other end of the spectrum.
Very variable in levels of complication.
#2 - the emotional cost.
This one is common to all in its' intensity irrespective of the logistical / financial cost.
The "not actually married, no kids, little joint property" person is going to find it just as emotionally challenging as the "intermingled children, complicated financial situation etc" person to call a halt to the dysfunctional situation.
There is not much variation in this aspect. It is hellishly difficult for all.
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In short, the emotional cost is going to be pretty much the same whether you are male / female, young / old, religious / heathen, rich / poor, or any other point of difference you care to name. It is going to be hellishly difficult for *you* whoever *you* are, and whatever *your* logistical / financial circumstances are.
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And THAT, the emotional challenge, is your biggest obstacle, not the logistical / financial aspect of your situation.
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The logistical / financial aspects can be managed, with appropriate professional advice, a solid plan, and discipline (and this applies generally - not just to dysfunctional marriages but in the financial aspects of anyone's life) It is sober boring arithmetic at its' core, not wizardry.
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The REALLY tough bit is managing the emotional costs.
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Sometimes in here (and in the old EP group) a member writes a story along the lines "my spouse is a dud, we've been married for 3 years, no kids, minimal joint assets" and the membership oftentimes launches in to "just run" suggestions, based on how simple the logistical / financial aspect appears from the outside.
Yet the member can NOT do so. And it is NOT because of the logistics / finances.
Rather, it is the emotional costs that are the big hurdle.
And in that context, those difficulties are just as real and just as imposing as they are to the member with "intermingled children, complicated financial situation etc".
Of the assorted examples I note below, I have deliberately not named names (as I have not sought the permission of the relevant members to do so. They are a bit of an amalgam of various members).
-
Any way, this is (yet another) of my theories, and I am putting it out there for the membership to kick the shit out of.
-
In my opinion, there are two costs in winding up a dysfunctional relationship.
#1 - the logistical / financial cost.
This one will vary from person to person, circumstance to circumstance.
From the "not actually married, no kids, little joint property" person - - - to the "intermingled children, complicated financial situation etc" at the other end of the spectrum.
Very variable in levels of complication.
#2 - the emotional cost.
This one is common to all in its' intensity irrespective of the logistical / financial cost.
The "not actually married, no kids, little joint property" person is going to find it just as emotionally challenging as the "intermingled children, complicated financial situation etc" person to call a halt to the dysfunctional situation.
There is not much variation in this aspect. It is hellishly difficult for all.
-
In short, the emotional cost is going to be pretty much the same whether you are male / female, young / old, religious / heathen, rich / poor, or any other point of difference you care to name. It is going to be hellishly difficult for *you* whoever *you* are, and whatever *your* logistical / financial circumstances are.
-
And THAT, the emotional challenge, is your biggest obstacle, not the logistical / financial aspect of your situation.
-
The logistical / financial aspects can be managed, with appropriate professional advice, a solid plan, and discipline (and this applies generally - not just to dysfunctional marriages but in the financial aspects of anyone's life) It is sober boring arithmetic at its' core, not wizardry.
-
The REALLY tough bit is managing the emotional costs.
-
Sometimes in here (and in the old EP group) a member writes a story along the lines "my spouse is a dud, we've been married for 3 years, no kids, minimal joint assets" and the membership oftentimes launches in to "just run" suggestions, based on how simple the logistical / financial aspect appears from the outside.
Yet the member can NOT do so. And it is NOT because of the logistics / finances.
Rather, it is the emotional costs that are the big hurdle.
And in that context, those difficulties are just as real and just as imposing as they are to the member with "intermingled children, complicated financial situation etc".
