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Post by Admin on Sept 15, 2016 11:08:32 GMT -5
I wanted to thank the mods who crafted this statement: The moderators have discussed this thread at length, in an effort to find the best way to help all our members feel safe, and encourage good online etiquette on the boards. Every incident of hurt feelings has more than one side. In certain instances, one person is deliberately trying to hurt, offend, or anger the other. It is a tribute to the character of most ILIASM members that we believe these instances are rare. We discuss matters here that are hard to talk about anywhere else. Almost all of us are here because we have been deeply hurt, in a very personal way, by someone who we believed loved us. Our sex lives can be a sensitive topic. More so when we open our hearts and admit on the Internet that we were rejected by a spouse. Most of us have inspected ourselves brutally - our physical appearance, our sexual skills, our personality - and agonized over what is so wrong with us. So, we hear things said in the world outside of ILIASM, generalizations in society, like, "People lose interest in sex as they get older," or, "Older people have a harder time finding a partner who thinks they're desirable" - and many of us take those generalizations personally. Now, certainly, generalizations tend to have a grain of truth somewhere. Biology dictates that our bodies change throughout our lives. However, individuals will vary in the ways that their bodies age. When making a statement about your own personal experiences with potential dates, perhaps it would be best to remember to specify what you mean (i.e., "the women I have met," or, "the men I have dated.") And when reading a post written by an individual, about their experiences, perhaps it would help to remember that this is ONE person, giving his/her observations and opinions about a small number of people. We want people to feel free to disagree with each other, and speak up when something doesn't seem right. But we also hope that all of us will try not to assume someone is being deliberately insulting, when they may have honestly intended no offense. ... -- ModDharma, ModHatter, ModCasper All members should follow these guidelines to the best of their ability. If you ever feel that members are experiencing friction which could be minimized by better following these guidelines, please direct them to this thread, or point out the "not so understanding" post to a moderator who may then direct the poster here. If you'd like to comment on the sentiment or specific wording of this guidance, please do so in this thread.
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Post by Caris on Sept 16, 2016 10:47:10 GMT -5
I just want to say at the risk of alienating myself even further on this board that I found nothing wrong with the discussion you are citing that would call for admin interference. It feels micromanaged.
However, the response from the mods was spot on, and it was insightful into the sensitivity of how many feel in this situation, and post situation. I was not offended at all. I saw it for what it was...a personal experience, and your response did address this well. So, I think your response was needed as a reminder, and maybe it has happened so frequently (hurt feelings) that this was the post to address this issue, and my feelings of being micro managed is just that...a feeling.
Sincerely C
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Post by JMX on Sept 16, 2016 14:28:27 GMT -5
Agree with Caris - what was even wrong with that discussion? It read as respectful and only a mildly lively debate. We are dealing with the written word, lacking in tone and body language. People's take-away from any given story or comment is as much on them as it is on the writer. Let them hash it out! It looked sussed-up to me by the time someone stepped in? Everyone said what they wanted to say. If I am part of a thread and someone doesn't "get" what I am trying to communicate - okay, we're not each other's cup o tea. Lesson learned for next time. Who cares? It was a respectful debate. There were no character assassinations. No mean or bullying words. There were simply questions to the commenters for understanding and clarification on their respective positions. No harm. Shrug.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2016 15:49:46 GMT -5
Another thing..... everyone here is not a refused spouse, there are some Refusers here too. This should be a group for ALL people who are not having sex in their marriage....for whatever reasons.
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Post by JMX on Sept 16, 2016 16:16:23 GMT -5
Another thing..... everyone here is not a refused spouse, there are some Refusers here too. This should be a group for ALL people who are not having sex in their marriage....for whatever reasons. The majority of us are the refused and a refuser should take heed - your feelings will likely get hurt.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2016 16:23:43 GMT -5
I feel it's insulting that the phrase "now generalizations tend to have a grain of truth," was included in the statement. I have other thoughts as well but I'm honestly so angry about this situation right now that I need to take a step away before I say something I regret.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 16, 2016 16:44:46 GMT -5
Another thing..... everyone here is not a refused spouse, there are some Refusers here too. This should be a group for ALL people who are not having sex in their marriage....for whatever reasons. The majority of us are the refused and a refuser should take heed - your feelings will likely get hurt. Your feeling will get hurt, by the most polite, understanding, sympathetic,rational, caring bunch of people. You will walk away being shown that your thoughts, actions, feelings, emotions,religious beliefs, upbringing, culture, etc... leave you with a tinny, tinny percentage of logic that your stance as a refuser is valid, or correct. The decision, the freedom, to accept any of it now or ever, is left up to the refuser.
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Post by JMX on Sept 16, 2016 17:12:48 GMT -5
I feel it's insulting that the phrase "now generalizations tend to have a grain of truth," was included in the statement. I have other thoughts as well but I'm honestly so angry about this situation right now that I need to take a step away before I say something I regret. Yeah. I still don't understand why the silly thread needed the intervention and outreach. The explanation is worse than the damn thread.
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Post by petrushka on Sept 16, 2016 17:37:04 GMT -5
There's one thing [think] I can contribute here: If you take part in an exchange with view to learning something personal, with a view to personal growth, with the intent of seeing more clearly where you are at, where the other people in your life are at, where your relationships are at ---- you will need to be prepared to get challenged.
Getting challenged makes us feel uncomfortable. Coming to the point of maybe having to change our thinking, or our actions, will make us uncomfortable. Having people, however empathetic, point out the mote in our eye or our blind spots will make us uncomfortable.
I know this from experience. Every important interpersonal learning experience in my life was, initially, challenging and uncomfortable. Being in the hotseat can get very uncomfortable. And it's been like that for everybody else I've seen go through this.
A pity party is unlikely to become a learning experience. Even though we all may like to have one from time to time, when we're feeling like shit.
So if someone in charge here tells me "nobody is allowed to make another person feel uncomfortable" then I have more fruitful ways of spending my time, playing tetris maybe. I welcome being challenged. I don't get pleasure from challenging people who can't handle the heat ... and I simply put them in my 'ignore' list, I don't wind anyone up because it gives me gratification. But if the exchange here is to have any intrinsic value for me, then people challenging me, or even just giving feedback or reacting to my thoughts are what it takes.
If all I wanted was getting 'likes', I could go and open a facebook account, I guess. <snorts>
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Post by wewbwb on Sept 16, 2016 18:59:55 GMT -5
I've never learned something from someone who agreed with me.
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Post by wewbwb on Sept 16, 2016 19:01:05 GMT -5
Another thing..... everyone here is not a refused spouse, there are some Refusers here too. This should be a group for ALL people who are not having sex in their marriage....for whatever reasons. No.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2016 19:04:35 GMT -5
As a veteran of unmoderated alt. flame wars, this is nothing.
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Post by petrushka on Sept 16, 2016 21:20:05 GMT -5
As a veteran of unmoderated alt. flame wars, this is nothing. ROTFLMAO. Yes, there were some amazing flame wars in some of the comp.sys.ibm.pc.whatever groups as well. Bill Huffman vs. Derek Smart. Legendary. or Sokwoo Lee vs. all the gamers: "You all have big mouse" Classic. Hilarity ensued. Threats of murder and law suits .... No idea where I stashed my flame proof underwear - not that I ever needed it, but I laid a pair in, just in case. Anyway, these days asbestos is deemed to be detrimental to one's health. Probably has something to do with that PC crowd. n.b. also: there were some fantastic exchanges of views. :-P
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2016 21:40:09 GMT -5
As a veteran of unmoderated alt. flame wars, this is nothing. ROTFLMAO. Yes, there were some amazing flame wars in some of the comp.sys.ibm.pc.whatever groups as well. Bill Huffman vs. Derek Smart. Legendary. or Sokwoo Lee vs. all the gamers: "You all have big mouse" Classic. Hilarity ensued. Threats of murder and law suits .... No idea where I stashed my flame proof underwear - not that I ever needed it, but I laid a pair in, just in case. Anyway, these days asbestos is deemed to be detrimental to one's health. Probably has something to do with that PC crowd. n.b. also: there were some fantastic exchanges of views. :-P Hell even groups like alt.guitar were a free for all.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2016 0:27:42 GMT -5
I feel it's insulting that the phrase "now generalizations tend to have a grain of truth," was included in the statement. I have other thoughts as well but I'm honestly so angry about this situation right now that I need to take a step away before I say something I regret. This. I felt the thread in question, was going through a logical progression. Members challenged poorly chosen/expressed words/beliefs. It would have been beneficial to see the thread play out, before removing posts. Sometimes, we just need to get everything out in the open - which is where I thought this particular thread was going. I had my own negative experience with other members mansplaining things to me, and "ducking" behind the "generalizations. And,that is why I left this site. When I expressed my opinion and then defended myself, I was told to "ignore" or "block" the other member. It felt as if I had done something wrong. I doubt the same "coaching" was given to the member(s) I whose opinion I disagreed with. Ultimately, I greatly curtailed my participation here. I simply felt, that day, that I did not warrant the level of respect that other members did. My hope, was that the mods would allow thread participants to "point out the good, bad and ugly. The women simply defended themselves. Just my two cents.
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