archived introductions (June 2016)

Hi...forgot I even signed up for this forum. Really hated SW and didn't feel comfortable there.
Glad I happened upon this place and some familiar names. Still figuring it out.

Hi everyone, I've stumbled across you whilst typing ridiculous things into Google......I'm kinda glad I found you,

I'm 33 years old, have two children and have been in a sexless marriage/relationship for nearly 10 years. Our physical relationship was perfect for a very short period of time at the beginning but quickly declined after I got pregnant with our first child. We had only been together 6 months. The relationship for me was like no other I'd ever been in, I had always been with guys that were highly sexed just like myself and never experienced a guy say no, I'm too tired. This was a real shock for me. I'm also a very touchy feely person and found it hard to cope with his lack of affection. I tried to address it very early on and he said he would try harder but he needed me to ask for affection, or instigate it, he said it never came into his mind to just touch my bum or put his arm round my waist or hand on my leg etc....I loved him too much to give up especially as he was a good man in many other ways and he wanted to be with me. All my other relationships were centred around sex, the guys never loved me or treated me right so I told myself to stop equating sex with love and to start appreciating what I had.

In the months that followed I took knock back after knock back until I felt totally unloved, unattractive and not good enough. As the years went by I gained a massive amount of weight through comfort eating and suppressing the anger and rejection with food until one day I forced him into telling me that he just wasn't attracted to me anymore. There and then I blamed myself and I hated him. I'd stopped initiating anything remotely physical within 2 years of our relationship because I just couldn't mentally take anymore rejection or cope with the fights that insued after said rejection. We plodded along for the next 3 years suffering financial problems which caused us to go bankrupt, we lost our home and also lost a baby.....that's one thing he would agree to sex for because he knew I'd walk otherwise!

At about 7 years in I went for weight loss surgery and I convinced myself it would help heel my marriage and get our sex life back on track. This year he was also diagnosed with cancer, it was a god awful year but we got through it. After both of our surgeries the excuses not to have sex were plentiful and I had to respect that after all the emotional and physical turmoil he had been through. However a year later the excuses were still rife, your tired or I'm tired, your sore, I'm not feeling well.......it went on and on and nothing changed. I have to say by his point I feel petrified of sex, I feel like I'll be rubbish at it, I won't know what I'm doing and despite losing 7 stone I still hate myself because of the continued rejection.

Fast forward to the 9th year and I find myself really struggling to cope, I look knock out, I've long blonde hair I've lost half my body weight and guys are throwing themselves at me. I met a guy at a friends party and he made me feel alive, I was on fire. I kissed him but it went no further, although we did exchange texts for a while, I couldn't cope with the deceit, I'm just not that type of person. Although a few of my friends who were in a very similar situation with their husbands were both having long term affairs and they told me I should go for it, I just couldn't do it, my mental health was shot.

So here I am 10 years later, having had sex once in the last 2/3yrs....I actually don't remember how long it's been, having brought the subject up of fixing this together on numerous occasions for it to be pushed under the carpet, for another excuse to get thrown my way or for him to flat refuse to even talk about it. 8 stone lighter, grown my hair, cut it again, dyed it a different colour, tried different clothes, lingerie, tried everything to change myself and it seems finally the penny drops that I'm not the problem.

I desperately want to try and sort things out even after 10 years as I don't want to wake up one morning and feel so bitter that it ends our relationship. Or I don't want to wake up one morning and find he's packed his bags because really there was something he didn't feel able to talk to me about. Bottom line is I love him to bits and I can cope without sex most of the time but I'd really rather not have to,

Thanks for reading and sorry for the essay, feels amazing to say it out loud, huge weight lifted.xxx

Hi guys, thanks is for ur responses. Although it's not great to think of other people in my situation it helps to know others understand. Unmatched how is the counselling going if you don't mind me asking? I had considered it and briefly brought it up last year but I never persued it. In answer to ur questions I suppose sorting things out looks like knowing there isn't an underlying problem and then appreciating that we are both different and respecting that. So coming to a mutual agreement that although he might not want sex every week he also needs to understand that I don't want to go months on end without it. In an ideal world I'd love to feel wanted but I'm not sure that will ever happen. I also want us to be comfortable in our own skin and with each other's and not to feel pressured to perform.......sometimes just closeness is enough. I personally think we have got a lot of work ahead to get to know each other sexually again and to reassure each other that no one is at fault and I hope we are able to do this but as we all know it takes two to tango so unless he is willing to try we will get know where......I suppose I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I have definitely decided that I can't allow it to go on like this any longer though, we need to start working together now before things become any worse, the longer you leave it in my experience the harder it beacomes to fix.

purplerain we are doing EFT (emotion focused therapy) which I like because it starts from a viewpoint that a relationship is not two independent individuals who need to learn to stand on their own feet, but that we do have a hard wired need to bond with other people and that one of the purposes of a relationship is to get those needs met. I don't think it is ever just about sex, it is about how we love and are loved and how we care for the person we committed to caring for. The counselling is bringing us closer together. I have no idea if it will help our sex life or not, but I am reasonably confident the process will make it very clear what needs each of us has and whether we are going to be able to meet those needs for each other as a couple.

Welcome @minetx. That is a heck of a tease! I'm sure I'm not the only curious one! We want more info!

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