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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 17, 2017 13:01:41 GMT -5
open relationship. She moved out of the open relationship to be with me (woot!!). The first couple of years were rocky, I would come home to condom wrappers on the bedside table, or to her sitting me down to have 'the talk' about the fact that she had shagged somebody else. I had my share of flings as well, but we chose to stay together. the first 10 or so years we calmed down and were focused on each other. In saying that on 30 years, she has initiated intimacy twice... This forum is probably the first place I have found that makes sense to me. From reading open marriage forums, I am clearly the scum of the earth, and should go die in a corner. At least here, you all have similar stories, and probably understand the complexities of my world. Hi Itsverycomplex, I have a fair amount of experience with and open relationship in the context of an intimacy-averse marriage and an affair, and would share my observations with you. Please tag me when you repost this topic in the general forum (with a specific title), and I would share my thoughts with you. |
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flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by flowerdust on Jan 17, 2017 15:09:19 GMT -5
I do not know what to do. I will be turning 50 this year my husband will be 56, over the past few years sex has been going down hill twice a year if I am lucky, and it is not even 10 min no for play and he will not finish the job, I even bought toys for him to use on me, he has no desire to use them.
I told him he needed medical help and started taking viagra about 5 or 6 years ago and would complain about the head aches he would get, and the cost and would not take them anymore, so Last year I finally had enough and told him, I could not live this way anymore and I was thinking about leaving, As I have never cheated “thought about” it but never have, that is not what marriage is all about but this has been lasting for over 9 years so it has crossed my mind.
He said he went to the dr who put him on testoserown therapy every two weeks. which he says he gets every other week but then I find out that he has missed appointments and that he could not afford the $8.00 script that lasts a month, but will always have beer in the fridge.
So sex is now more crappy then before. He gets all hard then soon as we start its gone, He will not finish me off I am so up set
Now that I am writing this and look back on what I have written, I think to my self what a fool I have been talking with him over and over again for years till I am blue in the face, trying to be a loving and understanding wife who accepted when he could not finish
and when I did talk with him it would go great for a couple of weeks then back to his old ways. Now he just grabs my ass hugs me and flirts with me tell me he loves me then nothing. I am at the point that I do not want him to touch me . He has great manipulation skills and knows how to push my buttons or am I just angry and not seeing this right.
Please someone help me I just do not know were to turn.
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Post by baza on Jan 17, 2017 17:42:36 GMT -5
"Not knowing where to turn" is standard stuff in dysfunctional marriages.
The key is not to turn.
Instead, have a look around for the exit sign, and then take a straight line toward it.
Eliminate any "turns", and take a straight direct route to it.
Suggestion -
copy this story and paste it into the sexless marriage threads under a title like "flowerdusts story".
Stories posted in this "introduce yourself" thread just get lost amid the mess.
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Post by dinnaken on Jan 17, 2017 18:16:59 GMT -5
Hi Folks,
I've been lurking here awhile and now feel ready to introduce myself.
I'm in my late fifties, I live in the UK and I've been married for 26 years (doesn't time fly, even when you're not having fun!); of those, 20+have been completely without any sex and little, if any, emotional and physical intimacy. The last time I had sex was fourteen years ago. It's not much fun but hey ho...
Of course, every story has two sides to it and I have been far from blameless; it's fair to say that, at the very least, I have been naive and foolish but at each turn we make the best choices we can based on the information we have to hand.
I'll spare you the gory details, for what I've read, here and elsewhere, my story has much in common with many of the others told here; with a few 'twists and turns' that make it uniquely mine.
I stopped being angry a long time ago. Like so many of us, I spent a long time trying to put things right before realising eventually that it just wasn't possible. Still, I'd Google away like the best of us, searching for reasons and answers getting more and more desperate until the evening of Friday 6th May last year, when for the first time I typed in 'sexless marriage', hit Enter and BINGO; I found you guys.
It hasn't been easy since then but two wees I asked for a separation. From here, the way ahead looks frightening and makes me sick with anxiety, sometimes I think that this will take more courage than I possess. In darker moments I grieve and sadness overcomes me but I'll press on and right now just typing this helps - a lot.
Bye for now
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Post by baza on Jan 17, 2017 18:27:28 GMT -5
This "Introduce Yourself" thread has unfortunately developed into an ad hoc mess Brother dinnaken.
It would probably be wise to copy your story, then paste it in the Sexless Marriage threads under a title like "dinnakens story".
In the ruck of this "Introduce Yourself" thread, chances are your story will not readily be found or read.
Welcome.
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Post by Carol on Jan 18, 2017 1:03:07 GMT -5
Helllo Everyone! I'm Carol. I am in my mid 40's and have been married for 16 years. 13/14 yrs of the marriage have been sexless( I lost track on actually how long it's been). In the beginning, sex was great between us. He was a virgin when we first met, I was not. I was very sexual in my twenties but always felt like I was missing the emotional aspect of sex. When I met him I thought to myself " I'm going to be able have a wonderful, emotional sex all the time!". Yeah, that didn't happen. I will admit that some of this had been my fault. See, I suffer from major depression disorder. While I was trying to get help my sex drive disappear due to the meds I was taking and feeling bad about myself.. Once I was taking meds regularly and seeing a therapist, everything came back to me. At that point I asked him when we were going to do about our marital issues. He didn't think any thing was wrong. I was shock and was so mad at him for thinking everything was "alright". I lost a lot of respect for him that night. We agreed to see a marriage counselor. He tried blaming it on his parents (which is his go to excuse for everything). They were not particularly religious but he said he was told that sex was pretty much for reproduction. It's not ED become I've caught him masturbating and he has admitted to our counselor he still does. But yet he cannot bring himself to have sex with me. So hear I am, many trips to the counselor later, and nothing has changed. I'm so resentful so him and now find him completely unattracted to him. I had a major breakdown last spring and almost took my own life. The only though that stopped me was the thought of crushing of my parents & sister hearts if I did. I spent 5 days in the psych ward of the hospital and ended up in a 4 week outpatient program. Doing that cost me my job. So here I sit, no job, no sex, and really no self worth at all. I've been completing leaving him but am not capable of supporting myself at this time. I hate want he has done to me and my self esteem. |
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Post by lostsomething on Jan 22, 2017 11:53:09 GMT -5
My husband and I waited until we got married to have sex so I wasn't aware that he was a passive aggressive with intimacy problems. We had sex on our wedding night and then a month or so later. I knew the first week that I had made a mistake and wanted out but I gave it a try in hopes that "My Love" for him would make him want to love me back. Nope. He wanted a wife; he didn't want the responsibilities of being a husband.
Every year, I make a new years resolution that if he doesn't change by the end of the year, I was going to divorce him. So 8 years later, here I am. He's a passive aggressive, does not communicate feelings, avoids me by watching endless amounts of television or reading in bed. Refuses to look at me while I'm getting dressed or undressed. He won't pay attention.
What is this hold he has on me? He treats me nice and says nothing is ever wrong with me. He makes me dinner, does laundry and always asks if I'm okay. Little did I know that him asking was his desire to see if I was suffering from his mental and emotional abuse. He doesn't know how to express his feelings with me and when he's mad, says nothing is wrong but I get the silent treatment, avoidance, rolls his eyes at me, no intimacy.... EVER (there's a difference between intimacy and sex, mind you).
I'm not allowed to touch him because he says it hurts. If I ask him to do anything, he starts sighing heavily. I ask him what's wrong and he says nothing. Then acts out by being sloppy about what I asked him to do.
When my husband does want sex, once every few months, he uses me to get off and doesn't care whether I enjoy myself or not. He's always in a hurry to get "it" over with.
I'm starting to act out and not very careful about what I say anymore. I'm angry as hell and he has no idea why--so he says. He once told me that his ex-wife left him because he was a drama queen and that he had no motivation to do anything in his life. I now understand that that wasn't her being abusive; that was her noticing he has something seriously wrong with him (she is a psychologist). They did go to counseling--I read the doctors recommendations he kept in a file. Wow. They were having similar issues that we are having now. He just moved them from one relationship to another.
I'm exhausted. This relationship has taken it's toll on my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. If there's one thing I've learned from this relationship, it's that I'm not the savior of the world. I'm not here to make anyone else better; just myself.
I have the opportunity to move far away with my daughter next month. Will I go? I don't know. The fear of failure, the unknown and lack of finances keeps me bound to this hell. The decision to leave has been quite the undertaking. All in all, passive aggressive people leave you hanging on by a thread of hope because they drop crumbs of love here and there. They act so nice to your face while planning your punishment in secret.
So I guess this is my own fault. I have allowed it. I chose to stay. I chose to believe that someday it would be better. However, my faith in the "love that cures everything" has opened it's eyes to the reality of the world that sometimes walking away, IS the greater expression of faith.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 22, 2017 12:11:00 GMT -5
My husband and I waited until we got married to have sex so I wasn't aware that he was a passive aggressive with intimacy problems. We had sex on our wedding night and then a month or so later. I knew the first week that I had made a mistake and wanted out but I gave it a try in hopes that "My Love" for him would make him want to love me back. Nope. He wanted a wife; he didn't want the responsibilities of being a husband. Every year, I make a new years resolution that if he doesn't change by the end of the year, I was going to divorce him. So 8 years later, here I am. He's a passive aggressive, does not communicate feelings, avoids me by watching endless amounts of television or reading in bed. Refuses to look at me while I'm getting dressed or undressed. He won't pay attention. What is this hold he has on me? He treats me nice and says nothing is ever wrong with me. He makes me dinner, does laundry and always asks if I'm okay. Little did I know that him asking was his desire to see if I was suffering from his mental and emotional abuse. He doesn't know how to express his feelings with me and when he's mad, says nothing is wrong but I get the silent treatment, avoidance, rolls his eyes at me, no intimacy.... EVER (there's a difference between intimacy and sex, mind you). I'm not allowed to touch him because he says it hurts. If I ask him to do anything, he starts sighing heavily. I ask him what's wrong and he says nothing. Then acts out by being sloppy about what I asked him to do. When my husband does want sex, once every few months, he uses me to get off and doesn't care whether I enjoy myself or not. He's always in a hurry to get "it" over with. I'm starting to act out and not very careful about what I say anymore. I'm angry as hell and he has no idea why--so he says. He once told me that his ex-wife left him because he was a drama queen and that he had no motivation to do anything in his life. I now understand that that wasn't her being abusive; that was her noticing he has something seriously wrong with him (she is a psychologist). They did go to counseling--I read the doctors recommendations he kept in a file. Wow. They were having similar issues that we are having now. He just moved them from one relationship to another. I'm exhausted. This relationship has taken it's toll on my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. If there's one thing I've learned from this relationship, it's that I'm not the savior of the world. I'm not here to make anyone else better; just myself. I have the opportunity to move far away with my daughter next month. Will I go? I don't know. The fear of failure, the unknown and lack of finances keeps me bound to this hell. The decision to leave has been quite the undertaking. All in all, passive aggressive people leave you hanging on by a thread of hope because they drop crumbs of love here and there. They act so nice to your face while planning your punishment in secret. So I guess this is my own fault. I have allowed it. I chose to stay. I chose to believe that someday it would be better. However, my faith in the "love that cures everything" has opened it's eyes to the reality of the world that sometimes walking away, IS the greater expression of faith. Welcome and sorry you have found yourself here. Time to start being true and authentic to yourself and what you want for the rest of your life. You have sacrificed almost a decade of your life- don't make it two. I'm not saying you have to do anything today but give yourself a time table and focus on yourself and an exit strategy. If that exit strategy is leaving with your daughter then so be it. I would however start being honest with your H and as far as sex where he's just using you and not concerned with your pleasure - I would tell him that unless he learns how to meet your needs sexually then you are no longer interested in participating in his one sided selfish sexual experience. We both know he's not going to change. People don't change they are who they are and we either accept it or not. I wish you clarity and courage do not waste 23 years like I did. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 22, 2017 22:54:32 GMT -5
Hi lostsomething - I'm glad that you found this group but am sorry it seems that you do belong. It completely sucks, but, it sounds like you have finally had enough. Although it's extremely painful and scary, being honest with yourself and facing the reality of the situation is the first step to shaking up your life. It sounds like you have a very clear picture of your marriage. Even finding and participating in this forum is a big step! I hope you can find some comfort here and I know you'll find a lot of caring individuals who can truly relate to where you've been, and where you're at. |
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o2feelg00d
New Member
Life is too short not to feel good.
Posts: 2 
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Post by o2feelg00d on Jan 23, 2017 16:30:02 GMT -5
Hi everybody Danforth (Dan) here. Been married to my wife for 20 years, the last 4-5 years have been sexless.
I believe the underlying cause to these years of abstinence from sex is......it started early in the marriage my wife accusing me of having affairs, since I travel the country for business.
These were lies but, the more I dismissed her accusation the more she became obsessed with me having affairs and stalking me on trips, call x lovers for years ago questioning them if we were involved and the list of embarrassments when on.
Well about 4 1/2 years ago I caught my wife cheating with an x lover from 25+ years ago. Given the fact our marriage is intwined with real estate holdings, business ventures and of coarse children. We sought out counseling and everything seemed to be back on track. Although, I felt strange I never gotten sense of remorse or she was sorry for the disruption her affair had on us and the kids - although they are grown. Then a few months later the whine and the complaints started when I would make sexual advances. Some excuses were and still are innovated. I find it hard to believe after all the finger pointing to my marital fidelities she went and did that and I'm the on getting punished.
Go figure....
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 25, 2017 12:04:08 GMT -5
My ex is also passive aggressive. People often forget that the intent of that is aggression. Rolling his eyes is not a sign of drama. It's an expression of contempt, which means that to even climb UP to the level of affection he has for a blank stranger, you , and he will need a LOT of work together, and no guarantee of generating desire even after that. I see you are deciding what to do. As you weigh options, consider, as an initiate priest or nun might, the oath of celibacy. This isn't monogamy. Your proposal to stay rather than live authentically is a willing enrollment in lifelong celibacy. For a nun, that decision exists in a context that provides value. It's a knowing, intended decision. Is it for you? |
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 26, 2017 14:45:35 GMT -5
Hello. Well, I can say I am happy to know there are many others out there. I've been married for 11 years. The first 5 years allowed me sex once a month. The last 5 years allowed me sex maybe once every 3 months or so. Currently it's been 5 months. We have no kids. We have "the talk" once a year when I reach a boiling point, where we agree to have more sex but never do. The twist is that a couple weeks ago, I actually turned HER down. The reason being that I can't take having sex once every 3 or 4 months anymore. I'm done.
I am 41 and I know my sex drive will only diminish moving forward. Right now it is still very high, and I have no wish to accept things the way they are for the rest of my "active" days. What is really messed up is that psychologically, I don't know if I can even manage with my wife at this point. The last few times we did have sex were less than memorable. All I can think about during is that this will be the last time I have sex for months, and....there goes the moment. During our last "talk", I divulged fantasies I have, in an effort to spark an interest; she replied she has no interest in fantasies. I even tried to talk her into having sex with someone else...ANYONE else. Nope.
At this point, I would rather just keep to handling my own business, since at least I know everyone involved is having a good time. I know it won't change, ever. And I guess I'm too old/don't want the stress of trying to cheat, nor do I have the faith in people to leave and start all over. But at least I'm not alone.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 26, 2017 17:08:45 GMT -5
deadzone75 - there is an alternative to consider. Leave, and never remarry. You've learned that marriage is a license to enforce celibacy on a spouse. You have no kids, which is the usual big ball and chain. You are miserable in your marriage, do you think being single is equally miserable? If you are single, you can cheat without worrying about being caught. No one will yell at you because you fulfilled a need. You might want to research codependency. It may explain why you accept a miserable marriage.
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Post by thefullmoon on Jan 27, 2017 15:39:43 GMT -5
Hello. Well, I can say I am happy to know there are many others out there. I've been married for 11 years. The first 5 years allowed me sex once a month. The last 5 years allowed me sex maybe once every 3 months or so. Currently it's been 5 months. We have no kids. We have "the talk" once a year when I reach a boiling point, where we agree to have more sex but never do. The twist is that a couple weeks ago, I actually turned HER down. The reason being that I can't take having sex once every 3 or 4 months anymore. I'm done. I am 41 and I know my sex drive will only diminish moving forward. Right now it is still very high, and I have no wish to accept things the way they are for the rest of my "active" days. What is really messed up is that psychologically, I don't know if I can even manage with my wife at this point. The last few times we did have sex were less than memorable. All I can think about during is that this will be the last time I have sex for months, and....there goes the moment. During our last "talk", I divulged fantasies I have, in an effort to spark an interest; she replied she has no interest in fantasies. I even tried to talk her into having sex with someone else...ANYONE else. Nope. At this point, I would rather just keep to handling my own business, since at least I know everyone involved is having a good time. I know it won't change, ever. And I guess I'm too old/don't want the stress of trying to cheat, nor do I have the faith in people to leave and start all over. But at least I'm not alone. She is frigid...and it will only get worse... What are the benefits of your marriage? If should be some if they outweigh sexless misery! If not, run yesterday before she got pregnant and trap you forever! |
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Post by sarah1976 on Feb 2, 2017 6:29:41 GMT -5
I'm Sarah and I've been married for five years. The lack of sex started early into things and within our first year of marriage he was seeing a Dr because he claimed he was impotent. Later on I found out he was watching porn and dating sites. I left and went back to Florida for a month to recoup and train (I'm a former athlete) and was going to compete in a contest. Very close to the closing of the date of the contest he got fired and wanted to come be with me so I gave up the contest and came rushing back to get him. He wanted to go to Florida, so we packed up and left. I started drinking more and going to train less, and sex got very infrequent... It was a cycle of events. I also always walked on eggshells. If I ever say anything to him it gets turned into my fault anyway. Fast fwd a bit and I plan to leave. The fighting, the lack of love, the fault finding and I was also very volitile at that as I still had some fight in me. Seriously, I miss those days because I'm isolated and alone. Anyway, we see a therapist. Great lady and helped a lot. He disclosed sexual abuse by his aunt when he was a child (he and his aunt are actually the same age) and that makes sense. He is unhappy in Florida at that time so we moved to California, hated it too so we ended up moving back to Washington State where we have been for two years. Going places got less and less to the point date night ended and I left the house maybe once a week,and at first I was ok with it because he snaps at me in public, sex got less etc. it didn't matter if I was alcoholic or sober he wasn't ever going to be happy.
So, come July I quit drinking, slowly added changes (too much at once and he gets mean, grew all the hair I pulled out BACK (yes I pulled out chunks of my hair, started doing hypnosis and therapy(behind his back), and began the slow transition back to myself. I lost 40 pounds and am back into training, feel better, and have used every therapy tool known to man to not engage with him. I also let him know that I was giving it until June to work out., and made sure he was aware I was serious then never mentioned leaving again. That's it, that's when I will leave so I need to make damn sure I am emotionally ready because he will either love the changes I made and it will fix the laundry list of complaints he used to excuse neglecting me or I'll be ok to go and know it was him. I'm not giving him two warnings, we have done that dance before. Besides, if he sees nothing wrong then what is there to change? I need myself back, though and although it threatens him I really don't care. He was married before me for 6 years and together 8. She left with a note and I find myself jealous of her moving on and even look at how happy she is on Facebook. I've heard him say " look at the things she goes and does with him. She never did those things with me" and it's almost as if a sledge hammer hit me in the stomach because I know why she didn't do those things with my husband. If it's anything like me he would have showed up after having her plan it, got anxious about public (he's super insecure) and yelled at her in front of people then got more insecure and blamed her quietly about how it was her fault for making people "stare" at him and then feel better in a few minutes and somehow have a great time the rest of the date while she sat there feeling like shit...I'm jealous of her, to be honest.
Not that I've been the greatest either. I have horrible trust issues with him and to be honest I've never fully trusted him but I was normally right about it when I didn't. I have learned to give up. I no longer go anywhere with him, I wait until he gets to work and then go meet friends or workout and come home and change into pajamas again so it looks like I've been here ( not that he would care it's that I don't want to explain it), and we haven't had sex since fall. Now that I never argue with him anymore and don't ask for sex he seems fine. I have a feeling he doesn't know fully that 1. I've asked him for what I need... Although he says it's a list of things that are my fault 2. I'm not even arguing anymore. All of this ego he has, all of this stubborn " I will show you" is futile for him in every area.. Work, home, friends (he doesn't really have any) and public sector and it shows by him never giving me a birthday, anniversary (except one in Florida), and now date night. I have a feeling the fight isn't even with me but with him needing to be so damn right he will ruin an entire person and relationship.
So, I found this place and here I am with a deadline and I just feel dead inside. Waiting doesn't matter, staying for right now is sort of for my mental benefit so I know I gave it once last try and at least if he was right about the bad things about me I would try and fix them. If it wasn't enough for him then I'd be a better person.
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