archived introductions (Jan/Feb/Mar 2017)

Good to see you here, Sarah1976. This is a club that no one wants to be part of, but we are all very supportive.

Hello! I've been a lurker here since November and have read many amazing posts. Today, I finally submit my own. Here goes.....I've been married for 17 years and the marriage has been sexless since the engagement. I know, I know, the signs were there. For the first few years I thought that maybe it was a phase or, maybe, life sometimes just gets in the way. I hoped that things would get better, I also tried to not pressure her for intimacy thinking that everybody at one time or another needs some space. However, I travel a lot for work - sometimes for 2, 3, 4, or 5 days at a time. And, I always looked forward to coming home. I missed my W and couldn't wait to show her how much. To me physical intimacy is important communication much like emotional intimacy. But, most of the evenings I was home were spent with her escaping into TV shows or endless surfing the latest FB posts. Hindsight is always 20/20. I should've been more direct in saying what I needed. Unfortunately, looking back, whenever I brought up our lack of sex life she just said "sometimes she gets her blinders on" which was her way of saying life distracted her. Years went by. Fast forward to last summer when I hit rock bottom. I told my W that I was really hurting. I felt crushed, rejected and unattractive. Her response was less than empathetic. Last October, I told her that I was lonely and got the sarcastic response of "just how much sex do you need?". Apparently once every other month is too much. I was floored. Last week we had an overnight getaway planned for the two of us. The day we were leaving she said she wanted to get on FB and give her two cents on the current political climate. Well, imagine an overnight where instead of reconnecting with your spouse at a romantic lodge, she is reading Twitter and FB to see what the responses were to her thoughts. Upon returning home a light bulb came on. I realized that no matter what I do, I can't save the marriage by myself. You can't make someone care about you, desire you or want to have sex with you. They either do or they don't. The counselor we've been seeing for the last eight months told me that "I'm getting all I'm going to get from her". That was really eye opening. All this has led me to this week where I finally decided that I've had enough. Wow! Writing this was tougher than I thought. More emotions were coming out through the keyboard then I had anticipated. Anyway, I appreciate everybody's time and thank you for listening!

cavu sorry you are here and have been in a SM.
We are a great support group and i hope it will help you figure out the rest of your life and what you want for yourself.
So you are in counseling and therapy with your wife and i think sometimes the spouse that is low libido and happy enough with the marriage sees counseling and a pacifier to keep the high libido spouse on the hook and in the marriage. I'm not saying this is your case but it's my jaded view sometimes. I also see the benefit of counseling if both parties are actively engaged in the process and working on themselves to grow together in the marriage and not further apart. With that said, my knee jerk reaction to your post is to tell your wife if she doesn't figure her shit out then you are done with the marriage. Whether you mean it or not just say it. Tell her you need sex this many times in one month and she needs to learn to enjoy doing x,y, and z. If that's what you want for yourself. Her reaction will be very telling.
For me my H didn't like giving oral sex. For twenty years I thought all men didn't like it, I was so naive. So in the end it told me he was not compatible with me and any man that doesn't like giving oral sex will not be in Bballgirl's bed. Know what you want for yourself and go after it. She's either with you or against you.

I am sorry for your situation Teer.  It is a terrible place to be.  You will find people here who are still trying to cope, some that have give up hope, and some that have jumped off the boat (Sorry, couldn't think of a better word ending with "ope").  Anyway, try to remember that your need for sex is just as importand as your wife's needs for anything else.  You do matter.

I am so sorry Dan.  Unfortunately, some people do tend to project their flaws onto others.  So do you know if she has stopped fucking other men?

"Tell her you need sex this many times in one month and she needs to learn to enjoy doing x,y, and z." Funny you mentioned that. The therapist tried to compromise the frequency of sex between the two of us to once a week. W blew it off. No pun intended!