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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2017 14:04:00 GMT -5
I have been married for 13 years. Sex dramatically declined right after we married. We have two children, and conceiving was difficult to to lack of desire on my spouse's part. Since having our children, we may have had sex once a year when I have initiated. My husband just doesn't see this as an issue and calls me sex crazed because I am hitting 40 this year...although this has been a sore spot in our marriage for the entire 13 years. I guess I always thought things would go back to how they were before we married at some point. We have been in therapy for a year and it just seems like excuse after excuse. I am at the point where I am beginning to feel nothing for him other than friendship. He is an amazing father and supporter but there is absolutely no intimacy or desire to do so on my husband's part. I do feel trapped at this point. I have one child with autism who also has many health issues. I have left my job to run a full-time program for him and coordinate his doc appointments. He is doing amazingly because of all this. I would not be able to continue this treatment if we divorced. I would probably need to go back to work which in turn effects my child's future. I am attractive and get hit on all the time. I have seriously considered cheating. I don't want to though. I just don't know what to do. I need some sort of physical relationship and intimacy. It is nice to not feel so alone in this. I used to think it was me until I finally started opening up and seeing others out there like me.
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 6, 2017 14:17:02 GMT -5
I have been married for 13 years. Sex dramatically declined right after we married. We have two children, and conceiving was difficult to to lack of desire on my spouse's part. Since having our children, we may have had sex once a year when I have initiated. My husband just doesn't see this as an issue and calls me sex crazed because I am hitting 40 this year...although this has been a sore spot in our marriage for the entire 13 years. I guess I always thought things would go back to how they were before we married at some point. We have been in therapy for a year and it just seems like excuse after excuse. I am at the point where I am beginning to feel nothing for him other than friendship. He is an amazing father and supporter but there is absolutely no intimacy or desire to do so on my husband's part. I do feel trapped at this point. I have one child with autism who also has many health issues. I have left my job to run a full-time program for him and coordinate his doc appointments. He is doing amazingly because of all this. I would not be able to continue this treatment if we divorced. I would probably need to go back to work which in turn effects my child's future. I am attractive and get hit on all the time. I have seriously considered cheating. I don't want to though. I just don't know what to do. I need some sort of physical relationship and intimacy. It is nice to not feel so alone in this. I used to think it was me until I finally started opening up and seeing others out there like me. So sorry you have found yourself here. I really sympathize for your dilemma with your sex life and divorce not being such a favorable option. In your case I would outsource. Sometimes finding acceptance of the fact that your spouse does not enjoy sex makes it easier however you should not have to be celibate. |
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Post by Dan on Feb 6, 2017 14:43:41 GMT -5
I have been married for 13 years. Sex dramatically declined right after we married. We have two children, and conceiving was difficult to to lack of desire on my spouse's part. Since having our children, we may have had sex once a year when I have initiated. My husband just doesn't see this as an issue and calls me sex crazed because I am hitting 40 this year...although this has been a sore spot in our marriage for the entire 13 years. I guess I always thought things would go back to how they were before we married at some point. We have been in therapy for a year and it just seems like excuse after excuse. I am at the point where I am beginning to feel nothing for him other than friendship. He is an amazing father and supporter but there is absolutely no intimacy or desire to do so on my husband's part. I do feel trapped at this point. I have one child with autism who also has many health issues. I have left my job to run a full-time program for him and coordinate his doc appointments. He is doing amazingly because of all this. I would not be able to continue this treatment if we divorced. I would probably need to go back to work which in turn effects my child's future. I am attractive and get hit on all the time. I have seriously considered cheating. I don't want to though. I just don't know what to do. I need some sort of physical relationship and intimacy. It is nice to not feel so alone in this. I used to think it was me until I finally started opening up and seeing others out there like me. You sound like you have a HUGE HEART... and that is wonderful. I'm sorry that your marriage is not working out. I FULLY understand "feeling nothing but friendship". I guess I'm there, too, for my spouse... but I dragged myself through a LONG phase of "resentment". Kudos to you if you were able to avoid that... as it just scalds your own psyche. There is probably no simple answer to "fix" him. If he doesn't think he is the problem, then he has doomed your marriage. I'm also sorry -- but even more importantly a bit concerned -- that you say you are "feeling trapped". This is a very serious emotional condition, that you need to work your way out of. If you find yourself torn between (what feels like) "doing what is right for you" and "doing what is right for your family", I suggest that you begin distancing yourself just a bit from him. Pour yourself in to the health of your son, but your own health (mental and physical), too. Stay active, workout, join a gym. If you are craving touch but don't want to go outside the marriage (very understandable), consider getting a regular massage. I know it is not the same... but it does get some of those "touch triggered endorphins" flowing. Maybe you could look for work that could bring in "some of your own money", and yet still do all the parenting things that are important to you. I guess I suggest this "strategic distance" for this reason: if you feel that starting a divorce is not practical at this time, at least you will feel SOME sense of control by taking charge of a few things that he is not a part of. Seizing this control will be one way to address your "feeling of being trapped". It may also be useful for you to consider individual therapy. Hopefully your health plan would cover talk therapy. Or maybe you have someone in your religious community who you would trust to actually hear and help you. Most of all, know this: you are not alone. |
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Post by lyn on Feb 6, 2017 15:45:12 GMT -5
I have been married for 13 years. Sex dramatically declined right after we married. We have two children, and conceiving was difficult to to lack of desire on my spouse's part. Since having our children, we may have had sex once a year when I have initiated. My husband just doesn't see this as an issue and calls me sex crazed because I am hitting 40 this year...although this has been a sore spot in our marriage for the entire 13 years. I guess I always thought things would go back to how they were before we married at some point. We have been in therapy for a year and it just seems like excuse after excuse. I am at the point where I am beginning to feel nothing for him other than friendship. He is an amazing father and supporter but there is absolutely no intimacy or desire to do so on my husband's part. I do feel trapped at this point. I have one child with autism who also has many health issues. I have left my job to run a full-time program for him and coordinate his doc appointments. He is doing amazingly because of all this. I would not be able to continue this treatment if we divorced. I would probably need to go back to work which in turn effects my child's future. I am attractive and get hit on all the time. I have seriously considered cheating. I don't want to though. I just don't know what to do. I need some sort of physical relationship and intimacy. It is nice to not feel so alone in this. I used to think it was me until I finally started opening up and seeing others out there like me. Hi @shacar and welcome to the forum! I hope you read a lot here and can take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. it sounds like you've pretty much got a handle on your situation as far as realizing what it is. Sometimes, that's the most difficult part. At least you do see the reality of the situation. The advice you received from the others so far is spot on - one thing, may sound drastic, however, it may be a good idea to consult with an attorney. Consults are free usually, and can be so enlightening. Really, just to find out how things would potentially be for you post divorce from a financial stand point. These sexless marriages are extremely difficult to turn around, if not impossible I hate to say. Just having information (from here, an attorney, maybe individual counseling) can be so liberating. Thank you for posting - we're in your corner, and we "get" you! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2017 16:38:26 GMT -5
I have been married for 13 years. Sex dramatically declined right after we married. We have two children, and conceiving was difficult to to lack of desire on my spouse's part. Since having our children, we may have had sex once a year when I have initiated. My husband just doesn't see this as an issue and calls me sex crazed because I am hitting 40 this year...although this has been a sore spot in our marriage for the entire 13 years. I guess I always thought things would go back to how they were before we married at some point. We have been in therapy for a year and it just seems like excuse after excuse. I am at the point where I am beginning to feel nothing for him other than friendship. He is an amazing father and supporter but there is absolutely no intimacy or desire to do so on my husband's part. I do feel trapped at this point. I have one child with autism who also has many health issues. I have left my job to run a full-time program for him and coordinate his doc appointments. He is doing amazingly because of all this. I would not be able to continue this treatment if we divorced. I would probably need to go back to work which in turn effects my child's future. I am attractive and get hit on all the time. I have seriously considered cheating. I don't want to though. I just don't know what to do. I need some sort of physical relationship and intimacy. It is nice to not feel so alone in this. I used to think it was me until I finally started opening up and seeing others out there like me. This is such a horrible situation to be in. It's heartbreaking that you left your job for a special needs child, but your H will not step up to the plate. NO, you are not sex-crazed. All refusers must read from the same handbook because they all say this to us. Frankly, I believe that refusers should admit that they are not going to change, and accept that the normal spouse will be having sex whenever he/she chooses. |
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Post by Admin on Feb 6, 2017 17:52:45 GMT -5
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Post by amoshart on Feb 7, 2017 11:38:27 GMT -5
Hi. I have no idea where to start, but here goes...
I am male, in my thirties, and have been with my partner for nearly 7 years. We have had sex twice in the past two years, and about three times a year apart from the first six months.
I came across this group as I searched for other people in a similar situation, and was surprised to find others.
I love my other half, and our child. I am though slowly losing my mind and feel very depressed at the lack of intimacy. I have a duty to look after my child, and don't want to miss a day of him growing up. So, I feel a bit trapped tbh as I am not moving out or leaving my partner - too much to lose.
My story is a long one, but I'm sure not unique. So, for now, hi.
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 7, 2017 16:30:41 GMT -5
Hi Amoshart,
Welcome, I'm a new member myself, only a little way ahead of you, I hope that you find here the support and reassurance that you need; I'm sure you will.
All the very best
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Post by amoshart on Feb 7, 2017 16:55:03 GMT -5
Hi Amoshart, Welcome, I'm a new member myself, only a little way ahead of you, I hope that you find here the support and reassurance that you need; I'm sure you will. All the very best I like your name. It means 'I do not know' in Scottish, yes? |
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 8, 2017 1:34:09 GMT -5
Hi Amoshart,
Yes, you're right, it's Scottish (although I'm not) and it just seemed to sum up how I felt about my situation - lots of questions and no answers - but I'm finding this site really helpful and I hope that you do to.
Best wishes
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2017 10:12:56 GMT -5
Hi. I have no idea where to start, but here goes... I am male, in my thirties, and have been with my partner for nearly 7 years. We have had sex twice in the past two years, and about three times a year apart from the first six months. I came across this group as I searched for other people in a similar situation, and was surprised to find others. I love my other half, and our child. I am though slowly losing my mind and feel very depressed at the lack of intimacy. I have a duty to look after my child, and don't want to miss a day of him growing up. So, I feel a bit trapped tbh as I am not moving out or leaving my partner - too much to lose. My story is a long one, but I'm sure not unique. So, for now, hi. I am very sorry that you are in this situation. It is horrible to be treated this way, and I believe that it is abusive. I applaud you for staying for your child. I did the same thing, and I was able to avoid custody/child support because I waited until my youngest was out of HS to leave. |
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Post by solodriver on Feb 8, 2017 20:10:58 GMT -5
My husband just doesn't see this as an issue and calls me sex crazed because I am hitting 40 this year...although this has been a sore spot in our marriage for the entire 13 years. I see a pattern here with male refusers. They seem to always call their higher libido spouses "sex crazed", especially when the wives are getting older. I've seen this in quite a number of posts by the older refused women in our group.
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listedship
Junior Member
Posts: 37 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by listedship on Feb 9, 2017 21:12:42 GMT -5
Hello,
I don't know what to say really.
I made the mistake of posting on Craigslist in Married forums... to get bashed by a bunch of people, but a positive was I was directed here.
I was told GreatCoastal was someone in a situation like mine.
I am very new to forums, talking with others online. I thought my marriage was something unusual. In a weird way I am happy there is a group of people who share my suffering, but that makes me even more horribly sad.
I hope I can find a way to understand all this. I have had a conversation with my wife since I posted on Craigslist since that seemed to be the solution everyone thought was needed - more communication on my part about my needs. That was a miserable experience that made no difference.
I hope the best for everyone here.
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Post by baza on Feb 9, 2017 21:23:49 GMT -5
Cheating is a perfectly valid choice Brother listedship. As valid as staying, as valid as leaving.
What cheating will NOT do however, is resolve the core problem of a dysfunctional marriage.
Indeed what it does is to complicate further and already complicated situation.
PS - posting in the "Sexless Marriage Issues" group is probably the way to go.
Posts in this "Welcome" group get lost very easily.
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Post by bigrightarm on Feb 9, 2017 23:45:05 GMT -5
Hi everyone, my name is Mark, and I'm grateful there is a place for open discussion on this topic. Thank you.
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