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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 13, 2017 13:46:46 GMT -5
Hello, I don't know what to say really. I made the mistake of posting on Craigslist in Married forums... to get bashed by a bunch of people, but a positive was I was directed here. I was told GreatCoastal was someone in a situation like mine. I am very new to forums, talking with others online. I thought my marriage was something unusual. In a weird way I am happy there is a group of people who share my suffering, but that makes me even more horribly sad. I hope I can find a way to understand all this. I have had a conversation with my wife since I posted on Craigslist since that seemed to be the solution everyone thought was needed - more communication on my part about my needs. That was a miserable experience that made no difference. I hope the best for everyone here. Hello, and welcome! More than happy to offer any help for your situation. I have some 2400 posts on here and you can read my stories, problems, ideas, solutions, failures, etc.. sadness can lead to Joy! |
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 13, 2017 14:28:37 GMT -5
All, While I have been in a nearly sexless marriage for the last four years (1x/year or less) and relatively (3x/year or less) so for the other twenty I just recently learned this problem had a name and others to learn from on how to cope. Having addressed this with her directly over the course of our marriage this really isn't something I'd ever discuss with friends or my family. The emptiness of putting up a false front as loving husband and super dad has sucked my spirit dry and frankly if my wife wanted a divorce or had an affair I'd celebrate with relief just to be rid of her. I spent the weekend arranging a Valentines extravaganza for tomorrow. Frankly I can't wait for it to be over. I know how the story ends, I don't get the girl, I get a polite thank you and peck on the cheek. I fantasize about the evening after I drop our youngest off to college in three years. The night she'll get the divorce papers from me. I don't care what her reaction is. She'll probably say she never knew it was THAT serious. A constant refrain of hers is we should be glad we don't have "real problems." I'm told I am too concerned about expressions of affection and mutual acknowledgement of desire and sexual intimacy. I'll be glad to drop the mask and cross paths only a few more times as the children graduate or get married. I don't want anyone else, I just want to be away from from the person who makes me not want to BE. Welcome. Sorry you are here. The next time she suggests that "you don't have real problems" - maybe inform her that you disagree and that your marriage is in crisis whether she believes it or not. I used to say to my ex "one day I'll be done with you". He never questioned it until that day came. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2017 16:01:59 GMT -5
All, While I have been in a nearly sexless marriage for the last four years (1x/year or less) and relatively (3x/year or less) so for the other twenty I just recently learned this problem had a name and others to learn from on how to cope. Having addressed this with her directly over the course of our marriage this really isn't something I'd ever discuss with friends or my family. The emptiness of putting up a false front as loving husband and super dad has sucked my spirit dry and frankly if my wife wanted a divorce or had an affair I'd celebrate with relief just to be rid of her. I spent the weekend arranging a Valentines extravaganza for tomorrow. Frankly I can't wait for it to be over. I know how the story ends, I don't get the girl, I get a polite thank you and peck on the cheek. I fantasize about the evening after I drop our youngest off to college in three years. The night she'll get the divorce papers from me. I don't care what her reaction is. She'll probably say she never knew it was THAT serious. A constant refrain of hers is we should be glad we don't have "real problems." I'm told I am too concerned about expressions of affection and mutual acknowledgement of desire and sexual intimacy. I'll be glad to drop the mask and cross paths only a few more times as the children graduate or get married. I don't want anyone else, I just want to be away from from the person who makes me not want to BE. I know exactly how you feel. I spent the last 6 yrs of a 28 year marriage in total celibacy. My refuser would insult me whenever I brought it up. And of course she doesn't think you have real problems, because it is not a problem for her. My guess is when you leave her, she will think differently. I would encourage you to tell your friends and family about the situation. Mine have been very supportive. It will help. And you might consider telling your W that this is a huge problem for you. If she wants to address it, that is wonderful. If not, you can continue to move forward with your plans. |
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dcas
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Post by dcas on Feb 13, 2017 19:58:09 GMT -5
Hello. I'm a 39 year old male who just got married 10 months ago. Was with my wife for about 3 years before we tied the knot. Our sex life was fine before we got engaged and it slow went down hill. We haven't had sex in almost 4 months and only once since we've been married other than our honeymoon. I'm seriously debating leaving my wife. I feel like I have a roommate and not a wife. The lack of sex definitely bothers me but it's the complete lack of intimacy. I can't touch her. I can't hold her at night. I'm not happy and honestly haven't been since I got married.
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Post by nancyb on Feb 13, 2017 21:05:45 GMT -5
Welcome to ILIASM forum dcas and facingthevoid. Sorry to be members of this shitty club. Come on in, make yourself at home and read a post or a dozen. You are amongst supportive friends.  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2017 23:16:06 GMT -5
Hello. I'm a 39 year old male who just got married 10 months ago. Was with my wife for about 3 years before we tied the knot. Our sex life was fine before we got engaged and it slow went down hill. We haven't had sex in almost 4 months and only once since we've been married other than our honeymoon. I'm seriously debating leaving my wife. I feel like I have a roommate and not a wife. The lack of sex definitely bothers me but it's the complete lack of intimacy. I can't touch her. I can't hold her at night. I'm not happy and honestly haven't been since I got married. Welcome. The only thing I caution you is that you should not have kids with this woman. My refuser rejected me on the wedding night, and I should have packed up and left right then.h |
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 14, 2017 5:30:08 GMT -5
Hello. I'm a 39 year old male who just got married 10 months ago. Was with my wife for about 3 years before we tied the knot. Our sex life was fine before we got engaged and it slow went down hill. We haven't had sex in almost 4 months and only once since we've been married other than our honeymoon. I'm seriously debating leaving my wife. I feel like I have a roommate and not a wife. The lack of sex definitely bothers me but it's the complete lack of intimacy. I can't touch her. I can't hold her at night. I'm not happy and honestly haven't been since I got married. Talk to her, don't get her pregnant, if she doesn't react quickly in a positive manner or makes an excuse then RUN! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2017 10:44:32 GMT -5
dcas, I can think of two members of this group right off the top of my head who had the same situation: good sex life, until the ring was on the finger. Reading the stories of beachguy and cagedtiger might help.
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Post by WindSister on Feb 14, 2017 13:27:53 GMT -5
Hi! I was a member at EP under this same name. You all helped me so much. (THANK YOU) I am now remarried and life is genuinely good. I just wanted to check in and reconnect because this group is an amazing group of insightful people. Hope everyone is well or on their way to well. ((((Take Care))))
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 14, 2017 13:46:36 GMT -5
Hi! I was a member at EP under this same name. You all helped me so much. (THANK YOU) I am now remarried and life is genuinely good. I just wanted to check in and reconnect because this group is an amazing group of insightful people. Hope everyone is well or on their way to well. ((((Take Care)))) Welcome!! Glad you are doing so well! |
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Post by thefullmoon on Feb 14, 2017 21:36:04 GMT -5
Hello, I'm 26, have been married for two years to my husband (31), have been together for four years, and have been in a sexless relationship for three years. I've tried talking about the issue at least once every two months for the past two years, and usually he says that he would like to have more sex too and that he is unhappy in the relationship because I often get upset with his untidyness around the house. We never make out, hold hands or cuddle, he hardly shows any intimacy. I wonder if he's been cheating on me, but feel he would never admit to it. He pretends everything is fine, and talks about having children. I do not want to bring children into an unhappy marriage and he knows this. I'm at my wit's end. Last night, I told him I couldn't go on like this anymore, and he said that he thought things were getting better and that he was trying but I don't see that. He often gets jealous and tells me not to wear so much makeup or to wear more modest clothing, even though I would say that I objectively do. I would say that I'm attractive, in shape, always dress nicely and am motivated (just finished graduate school). I don't know why he doesn't want to show affection, I try to dress attractively and to show love for him to no avail. It's to the point to where I am very depressed and sad most of the time. I also feel like he doesn't talk or communicate enough with me, like I'm just a prop in the room that isn't acknowledged, and that he'd prefer if I hardly existed. Sorry about your situation...but therr is mo chance for improvement.. The guy in his superprime time when half of men can have sex multiple times a day witj everything that moving...but he has already yesrs of excuses... Run...yesterday...don't waste your precious life... |
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Post by thefullmoon on Feb 14, 2017 21:46:46 GMT -5
Hello. I'm a 39 year old male who just got married 10 months ago. Was with my wife for about 3 years before we tied the knot. Our sex life was fine before we got engaged and it slow went down hill. We haven't had sex in almost 4 months and only once since we've been married other than our honeymoon. I'm seriously debating leaving my wife. I feel like I have a roommate and not a wife. The lack of sex definitely bothers me but it's the complete lack of intimacy. I can't touch her. I can't hold her at night. I'm not happy and honestly haven't been since I got married. Classical "bait and switch"....described here thousands times... best solution to run before she got pregnant... After pregnancy sex will end forever... |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 14, 2017 23:50:45 GMT -5
Hello. I'm a 39 year old male who just got married 10 months ago. Was with my wife for about 3 years before we tied the knot. Our sex life was fine before we got engaged and it slow went down hill. We haven't had sex in almost 4 months and only once since we've been married other than our honeymoon. I'm seriously debating leaving my wife. I feel like I have a roommate and not a wife. The lack of sex definitely bothers me but it's the complete lack of intimacy. I can't touch her. I can't hold her at night. I'm not happy and honestly haven't been since I got married. Classical "bsit and switch"....described here thousands times... best solution to run before she got pregnant... After pregnancy sex will end forever... , take this to heart. There are more than a few of us that saw the writing on the wall very early and failed to act. Now 25 to 30 years later (no exaggeration), we're still there and the situation hasn't changed much - but the emotional and financial impact of taking action becomes devastating. |
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 15, 2017 10:47:49 GMT -5
Hello, I'm 26, have been married for two years to my husband (31), have been together for four years, and have been in a sexless relationship for three years. I've tried talking about the issue at least once every two months for the past two years, and usually he says that he would like to have more sex too and that he is unhappy in the relationship because I often get upset with his untidyness around the house. We never make out, hold hands or cuddle, he hardly shows any intimacy. I wonder if he's been cheating on me, but feel he would never admit to it. He pretends everything is fine, and talks about having children. I do not want to bring children into an unhappy marriage and he knows this. I'm at my wit's end. Last night, I told him I couldn't go on like this anymore, and he said that he thought things were getting better and that he was trying but I don't see that. He often gets jealous and tells me not to wear so much makeup or to wear more modest clothing, even though I would say that I objectively do. I would say that I'm attractive, in shape, always dress nicely and am motivated (just finished graduate school). I don't know why he doesn't want to show affection, I try to dress attractively and to show love for him to no avail. It's to the point to where I am very depressed and sad most of the time. I also feel like he doesn't talk or communicate enough with me, like I'm just a prop in the room that isn't acknowledged, and that he'd prefer if I hardly existed. What?! He can't have sex because the house is not tidy?! Totally abnormal! Also he has arms and legs so he can clean it if it makes him unhappy. Tell him you're unhappy that you can't have sex. So if you are both unhappy then what's the point of being married. Smart decision not to have children with this man. Set a time table (I'd give it 6 months max), get on birth control if you aren't already, notify him that he's on the clock to turn this around. My gut tells me you married a sexual dud. You deserve better. Read on here a lot and don't waste your youth on the wrong man like I did. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in but it's a great support group. |
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Post by frannyglass on Feb 15, 2017 11:48:36 GMT -5
Hello, I'm 26, have been married for two years to my husband (31), have been together for four years, and have been in a sexless relationship for three years. I've tried talking about the issue at least once every two months for the past two years, and usually he says that he would like to have more sex too and that he is unhappy in the relationship because I often get upset with his untidyness around the house. We never make out, hold hands or cuddle, he hardly shows any intimacy. I wonder if he's been cheating on me, but feel he would never admit to it. He pretends everything is fine, and talks about having children. I do not want to bring children into an unhappy marriage and he knows this. I'm at my wit's end. Last night, I told him I couldn't go on like this anymore, and he said that he thought things were getting better and that he was trying but I don't see that. He often gets jealous and tells me not to wear so much makeup or to wear more modest clothing, even though I would say that I objectively do. I would say that I'm attractive, in shape, always dress nicely and am motivated (just finished graduate school). I don't know why he doesn't want to show affection, I try to dress attractively and to show love for him to no avail. It's to the point to where I am very depressed and sad most of the time. I also feel like he doesn't talk or communicate enough with me, like I'm just a prop in the room that isn't acknowledged, and that he'd prefer if I hardly existed. What?! He can't have sex because the house is not tidy?! Totally abnormal! Also he has arms and legs so he can clean it if it makes him unhappy. Tell him you're unhappy that you can't have sex. So if you are both unhappy then what's the point of being married. Smart decision not to have children with this man. Set a time table (I'd give it 6 months max), get on birth control if you aren't already, notify him that he's on the clock to turn this around. My gut tells me you married a sexual dud. You deserve better. Read on here a lot and don't waste your youth on the wrong man like I did. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in but it's a great support group. I told him that he has 6 months to show changes, or else I won't sign a mortgage with him, and I won't move forward until the issues are resolved. At first, I made it seem as if I would leave if things did not get better but he started to yell 'then leave now' and was saying that why should he work on it I'm not. He seems to think he is completely not at fault and was saying that I am "angry all the time," always tense because I'm angry, always yelling at him, when I would say that I sometimes tell him to stop snoring in the middle of the night or to do his dishes. It all seemed like a very immature blowup, and that he felt like he was losing the perceived control that he thought he had over me. It was very exhausting and draining. It seems that he's hiding some insecurities or his true needs/wants from the relationship behind a self-constructed facade and controlling behaviors. I wish he would just be honest so that we could save time. |
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