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Post by shamwow on Oct 20, 2017 8:13:55 GMT -5
So, I've been looking at Maryland's People's Law website and it looks like a divorce might shake out better then I thought, since we both have jobs and retirement plans. And alimony is usually just for large discrepancies in income levels, and rehabilitative (going back to school). It is surreal to be thinking the divorce might happen. I had a similar experience. I'm a huge fan of child support (I pay the Texas maximum cap), but not so much a fan of alimony for years on end if the receiving spouse is able bodied. My ex took a job that emphasized easy hours and flexibility over pay. Fair enough. But I shouldn't have to subsidize that choice. When the child support ends in 5 years (almost 40 percent of her income) I don't know what she will do. But that's her choice. It should also not be my problem half a decade after we are no longer together. But one word of caution. See an attorney. Free consultation. Make sure you really know what you think you know. And if you think it feels surreal now wait until that visit to the attorney. Good luck brother. Edit: So as not to appear a heartless bastard, my ex-wife has a master's degree and worked part-time doing accounting work for the company I own during our marriage. She has the skills to earn a decent living (I taught them to her), just not the drive to improve herself. My opinion is obviously colored by my circumstance. In different circumstances, I might feel differently.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 20, 2017 8:25:16 GMT -5
See several attorneys. Learn from each one. You will get answers that will also lead to deeper and more questions. By the time I met with the 4th attorney I said, " You are the 4th attorney I have met with, I have specific questions that I need answers to, may I ask those first?". It was a win win.
That also eliminated 4 good attorneys for my W. to choose from. Although ,your spouse having a ,good, experienced, knowledgeable, qualified, attorney can be to your advantage. I recommended such an attorney for my W. ( My therapist recommended good attorneys. another reliable source. Therapists testify in court and see these attorneys in action) my W. could not handle the truth of things not being all in her favor. The qualified attorney told her straight up "this is what it is".
On a side note; finding out that my W. had already visited an attorney was another major tipping point. Keep that in mind too! Don't be concerned with this "he/she filed first nonsense". It holds little relevance.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 20, 2017 8:42:05 GMT -5
So, I've been looking at Maryland's People's Law website and it looks like a divorce might shake out better then I thought, since we both have jobs and retirement plans. And alimony is usually just for large discrepancies in income levels, and rehabilitative (going back to school). It is surreal to be thinking the divorce might happen. I had a similar experience. I'm a huge fan of child support (I pay the Texas maximum cap), but not so much a fan of alimony for years on end if the receiving spouse is able bodied. My ex took a job that emphasized easy hours and flexibility over pay. Fair enough. But I shouldn't have to subsidize that choice. When the child support ends in 5 years (almost 40 percent of her income) I don't know what she will do. But that's her choice. It should also not be my problem half a decade after we are no longer together. But one word of caution. See an attorney. Free consultation. Make sure you really know what you think you know. And if you think it feels surreal now wait until that visit to the attorney. Good luck brother. I am more in your ex W's shoes. I will receive alimony for life. Unless I get married again. I have a few present thoughts about that. 1) That's the law. Not my doing, it is what it is. More and more people need to be aware of that as their marriages progress, especially as finances grow. 2) After how my ex treated me in the past few years, the amount of hording money, manipulation, breaking of the law (contempt of court) and who knows what other money she 's hiding? Things I may not be able to prove in court? My case is a bit different. 3) One thing the court does take into account is my giving up my career for 19 yrs, to raise 6 children, and my W's career excelling. That deserves a $$. 4) As time progresses, and I rebuild myself in a career field, have less expenses, invest my money wisely, there is nothing stopping me from giving back alimony or ending it completely. That's something we agree on. That the law should be set up so every two or three years things are adjusted accordingly. They certainly are set upthat way for child support. Once I am employed my ex W. Has every right to change the amount of alimony. I welcome it. That's how it should be. 5) If, (and most likely) I get "involved" with another woman who has a high pay scale, a large amount of assets, and a family of her own, nothing says we have to marry. In fact we may enjoy having our separate homes and dating for years and years. That does not affect alimony unless I decide to make it so. That is my understanding, for now. I am always learning!
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Post by shamwow on Oct 20, 2017 8:52:54 GMT -5
See several attorneys. Learn from each one. You will get answers that will also lead to deeper and more questions. By the time I met with the 4th attorney I said, " You are the 4th attorney I have met with, I have specific questions that I need answers to, may I ask those first?". It was a win win. Agree on seeing multiple attorneys. I saw two attorneys. The first one was a "shark", specializing in men's family law. He was expensive, but if things went south, he is the guy I would have wanted in my corner. When the divorce appeared to be going amicably (through the use of both carrots and sticks), I finally selected an inexpensive attorney. By that point, what we mainly needed is paperwork drafted and documents filed. It was a non-contested divorce. My attorney filed the paperwork and went to court with me, and it was a pretty painless process (even though it didn't feel painless at the time). hopingforachange, keep the example of both GC and I in mind. GC, ( please correct me if I'm wrong on the details of your story), but you tried for an amicable solution in the beginning through mediation? In my case, I was fortunate enough to mostly work it out amicably with my ex. GC is still entwined in a bitter battle. Both GC and I have plenty of assets. Nobody will be starving after the divorce. The main difference between our situations, in my opinion, is the character of our wives. Mine was someone (who with the proper motivations) would play ball. Not so with GC. She used mediation to hide assets, lie, and try to stab him in the back. It will almost certainly bite her in the ass in the end, but at the cost of much pain and consternation during the long process. So, similar initial goals / approach and two very different outcomes. hopingforachange, You will are the only one who can determine if the expensive shark or inexpensive peacemaker is the best route for you. Also, be sure to keep in mind that once the divorce train starts, that person you are currently married to may become "someone else" as the veil is lifted. The veneer of marriage holds a lot of that shit in check. Even in my situation, I met a different person than the one I'd been married to for 20 years. In The Art of War, Sun Tzu said that the acme of skill was not to win 1000 battles out of 1000 battles, but to win without fighting. I managed to pull that off in my divorce. But I always kept in mind that I am not Sun Tzu and always kept the card of the "shark" in my wallet.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 20, 2017 8:54:25 GMT -5
I had a similar experience. I'm a huge fan of child support (I pay the Texas maximum cap), but not so much a fan of alimony for years on end if the receiving spouse is able bodied. My ex took a job that emphasized easy hours and flexibility over pay. Fair enough. But I shouldn't have to subsidize that choice. When the child support ends in 5 years (almost 40 percent of her income) I don't know what she will do. But that's her choice. It should also not be my problem half a decade after we are no longer together. But one word of caution. See an attorney. Free consultation. Make sure you really know what you think you know. And if you think it feels surreal now wait until that visit to the attorney. Good luck brother. I am more in your ex W's shoes. I will receive alimony for life. Unless I get married again. I have a few present thoughts about that. 1) That's the law. Not my doing, it is what it is. More and more people need to be aware of that as their marriages progress, especially as finances grow. 2) After how my ex treated me in the past few years, the amount of hording money, manipulation, breaking of the law (contempt of court) and who knows what other money she 's hiding? Things I may not be able to prove in court? My case is a bit different. 3) One thing the court does take into account is my giving up my career for 19 yrs, to raise 6 children, and my W's career excelling. That deserves a $$. 4) As time progresses, and I rebuild myself in a career field, have less expenses, invest my money wisely, there is nothing stopping me from giving back alimony or ending it completely. That's something we agree on. That the law should be set up so every two or years things are adjusted accordingly. 5) If, (and most likely) I get "involved" with another woman who has a high pay scale, a large amount of assets, and a family of her own, nothing says we have to marry. In fact we may enjoy having our separate homes and dating for years and years. That does not affect alimony unless I decide to make it so. That is my understanding, for now. I am always learning! I suspect if you have started working again, there is a large discrepancy in income levels, which in MD would be grounds for maintaining your standard of living or to allow time to rehabilitate your employment opportunities. I am glad the W kept working when we had our children. It looks like there is only a 30K income difference between us now. I might hold off pursuing the next step in the career ladder until I know how this is going to shake out, because it would allow her to get her next pay step increase closing the gap slightly. Further reducing the changes of paying alimony. I am a fan of child support to. I think I will pay enough so that the kids can keep living in the family house, to help maintain the stability, and just require my share when the house is sold.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 20, 2017 9:00:43 GMT -5
I had a similar experience. I'm a huge fan of child support (I pay the Texas maximum cap), but not so much a fan of alimony for years on end if the receiving spouse is able bodied. My ex took a job that emphasized easy hours and flexibility over pay. Fair enough. But I shouldn't have to subsidize that choice. When the child support ends in 5 years (almost 40 percent of her income) I don't know what she will do. But that's her choice. It should also not be my problem half a decade after we are no longer together. But one word of caution. See an attorney. Free consultation. Make sure you really know what you think you know. And if you think it feels surreal now wait until that visit to the attorney. Good luck brother. I am more in your ex W's shoes. I will receive alimony for life. Unless I get married again. I have a few present thoughts about that. 1) That's the law. Not my doing, it is what it is. More and more people need to be aware of that as their marriages progress, especially as finances grow. 2) After how my ex treated me in the past few years, the amount of hording money, manipulation, breaking of the law (contempt of court) and who knows what other money she 's hiding? Things I may not be able to prove in court? My case is a bit different. 3) One thing the court does take into account is my giving up my career for 19 yrs, to raise 6 children, and my W's career excelling. That deserves a $$. 4) As time progresses, and I rebuild myself in a career field, have less expenses, invest my money wisely, there is nothing stopping me from giving back alimony or ending it completely. That's something we agree on. That the law should be set up so every two or three years things are adjusted accordingly. They certainly are set upthat way for child support. Once I am employed my ex W. Has every right to change the amount of alimony. I welcome it. That's how it should be. 5) If, (and most likely) I get "involved" with another woman who has a high pay scale, a large amount of assets, and a family of her own, nothing says we have to marry. In fact we may enjoy having our separate homes and dating for years and years. That does not affect alimony unless I decide to make it so. That is my understanding, for now. I am always learning! Excellent point GC! One thing that is different today is there are a lot more stay at home dads. My view on alimony is also different helping ballofconfusion work her way through her divorce. She raised 4 kids and didn't develop the same career her husband did. She deserves to get a bridge to get back on her feet. She needs that bridge. In my case, I'm essentially paying my ex-wife's mortgage, utilities, and grocery bill for the next 5 years through child support. IMHO, that should be enough of a bridge for her to get on her own two feet. If she doesn't put forth the same effort I did to build my career, then that will be on her. One interesting thing this forum has taught me is to be one hell of a lot less judgemental. I used to think that people who divorced were failures. People who cheated were morally bankrupt. People who didn't stay until the kids were grown (whether they were happy or not) were selfish. Etc...In the past few years, my opinion on all of these have evolved, even though I did not directly engage in all of the behaviors myself.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 20, 2017 9:05:57 GMT -5
I agree, when one person makes the career sacrifices for the marriage/ family they do need something to help bridge the gap to help them make up for lost career time.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 20, 2017 9:07:07 GMT -5
I am more in your ex W's shoes. I will receive alimony for life. Unless I get married again. I have a few present thoughts about that. 1) That's the law. Not my doing, it is what it is. More and more people need to be aware of that as their marriages progress, especially as finances grow. 2) After how my ex treated me in the past few years, the amount of hording money, manipulation, breaking of the law (contempt of court) and who knows what other money she 's hiding? Things I may not be able to prove in court? My case is a bit different. 3) One thing the court does take into account is my giving up my career for 19 yrs, to raise 6 children, and my W's career excelling. That deserves a $$. 4) As time progresses, and I rebuild myself in a career field, have less expenses, invest my money wisely, there is nothing stopping me from giving back alimony or ending it completely. That's something we agree on. That the law should be set up so every two or years things are adjusted accordingly. 5) If, (and most likely) I get "involved" with another woman who has a high pay scale, a large amount of assets, and a family of her own, nothing says we have to marry. In fact we may enjoy having our separate homes and dating for years and years. That does not affect alimony unless I decide to make it so. That is my understanding, for now. I am always learning! I suspect if you have started working again, there is a large discrepancy in income levels, which in MD would be grounds for maintaining your standard of living or to allow time to rehabilitate your employment opportunities. I am glad the W kept working when we had our children. It looks like there is only a 30K income difference between us now. I might hold off pursuing the next step in the career ladder until I know how this is going to shake out, because it would allow her to get her next pay step increase closing the gap slightly. Further reducing the changes of paying alimony. I am a fan of child support to. I think I will pay enough so that the kids can keep living in the family house, to help maintain the stability, and just require my share when the house is sold. All excellent questions for several attorneys.!
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 20, 2017 9:15:32 GMT -5
I suspect if you have started working again, there is a large discrepancy in income levels, which in MD would be grounds for maintaining your standard of living or to allow time to rehabilitate your employment opportunities. I am glad the W kept working when we had our children. It looks like there is only a 30K income difference between us now. I might hold off pursuing the next step in the career ladder until I know how this is going to shake out, because it would allow her to get her next pay step increase closing the gap slightly. Further reducing the changes of paying alimony. I am a fan of child support to. I think I will pay enough so that the kids can keep living in the family house, to help maintain the stability, and just require my share when the house is sold. All excellent questions for several attorneys.! And a financial consultant on what this does to your taxes. my spouse has been using our children, our adoptions, All the rental properties,and there expenses, her father living with us for years, as tax write offs. That's going to be changing. Thankfully child custody is becoming more and more 50/50. the same with who gets to claim the children at tax time.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 20, 2017 9:25:43 GMT -5
I am more in your ex W's shoes. I will receive alimony for life. Unless I get married again. I have a few present thoughts about that. 1) That's the law. Not my doing, it is what it is. More and more people need to be aware of that as their marriages progress, especially as finances grow. 2) After how my ex treated me in the past few years, the amount of hording money, manipulation, breaking of the law (contempt of court) and who knows what other money she 's hiding? Things I may not be able to prove in court? My case is a bit different. 3) One thing the court does take into account is my giving up my career for 19 yrs, to raise 6 children, and my W's career excelling. That deserves a $$. 4) As time progresses, and I rebuild myself in a career field, have less expenses, invest my money wisely, there is nothing stopping me from giving back alimony or ending it completely. That's something we agree on. That the law should be set up so every two or years things are adjusted accordingly. 5) If, (and most likely) I get "involved" with another woman who has a high pay scale, a large amount of assets, and a family of her own, nothing says we have to marry. In fact we may enjoy having our separate homes and dating for years and years. That does not affect alimony unless I decide to make it so. That is my understanding, for now. I am always learning! I suspect if you have started working again, there is a large discrepancy in income levels, which in MD would be grounds for maintaining your standard of living or to allow time to rehabilitate your employment opportunities. I am glad the W kept working when we had our children. It looks like there is only a 30K income difference between us now. I might hold off pursuing the next step in the career ladder until I know how this is going to shake out, because it would allow her to get her next pay step increase closing the gap slightly. Further reducing the changes of paying alimony. I am a fan of child support to. I think I will pay enough so that the kids can keep living in the family house, to help maintain the stability, and just require my share when the house is sold. The "keep the kids in the family house" is a tricky needle to thread. Unless it is 100% paid off, you will be paying mortgage, taxes, etc... on the house which may make it almost impossible to establish your own residence. Six months ago, my kids lived in a 4100 square foot house on almost a half acre with a 37,500 gallon pool and a 10 foot x 10 foot hot tub. There was a media room, game room, detached garage with a ping pong table, darts. They had airsoft wars in the back yard and the dog loved the huge yard. Today, mom has a 2500 square foot house and I rent a 3800 square foot house. They spend the majority of their time at Mom's, and don't seem worse for wear. I think the main thing is not so much "things" and disruption, but how well you and your wife continue to act as a "team" and are civil. My daughter's birthday is in two weeks. I was asking her what she wanted to do. She said she wanted to go out to dinner with friends, her boyfriend, and both mom and I. I checked with my ex and she was fine with this. We probably won't spend much time talking over dinner (not much to talk about anymore), but it is something my daughter wants and something she seemed insistent that she needs. So my ex and I will have dinner with our daughter. Recognize what your kids needs are and you may find that it isn't the family home. They see what is going on with you and your wife. They might not want to live there after the family is dissolved.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 20, 2017 9:52:13 GMT -5
All excellent questions for several attorneys.! And a financial consultant on what this does to your taxes. my spouse has been using our children, our adoptions, her father living with us for years, as tax write offs. That's going to be changing. Thankfully child custody is becoming more and more 50/50. the same with who gets to claim the children at tax time. On 50/50, that is a double-edged sword. In ballofconfusion story, it works against her. Her ex never really spent time with the kids, but now wants 50/50 custody so he doesn't have to pay as much. The courts will likely grant it. In my case, Texas is still a "standard visitation" (I need to "visit" my kids?) state. I get 1st 3rd 5th weekends that is extended a bit on my weeks with Thursday. But I will never see my kids on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday....except that I see my son every Tuesday at football. And I see my son every Wednesday and Saturday at baseball practice. I text back with my daughter and follow her Instagram. I have their friends over to the house. So yes, legally I see them less, but by making the necessary effort, I see them almost as much as I saw them before. As far as "primary custody" goes, my ex gets to "win" that battle, but I am on the waning years of the kids being at home anyway. She gets to declare them on her taxes. Uh, ok. She is one of those kinds of moms who drive them all over the place and never do anything with them. In a few years, they will call me for advice just as much as her. So no winners, no losers. It isn't a battle. And as a result, the kids are doing OK. At least that's my take.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 20, 2017 13:28:50 GMT -5
Well, MD has a absolute divorce webinar next week. I think I'm going to start there and see how I want to go. The really shitty part is the 1 year separation requirement for a no fault. Adultery (only PIV in MD) is grounds immediate divorce but can be factor used to determine the right to alimony.
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Post by h on Oct 20, 2017 13:33:04 GMT -5
Well, MD has a absolute divorce webinar next week. I think I'm going to start there and see how I want to go. The really shitty part is the 1 year separation requirement for a no fault. Adultery (only PIV in MD) is grounds immediate divorce but can be factor used to determine the right to alimony. Ok then, your goal is to get your W to cheat! 😜
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 20, 2017 13:42:37 GMT -5
Well, MD has a absolute divorce webinar next week. I think I'm going to start there and see how I want to go. The really shitty part is the 1 year separation requirement for a no fault. Adultery (only PIV in MD) is grounds immediate divorce but can be factor used to determine the right to alimony. Ok then, your goal is to get your W to cheat! 😜 hahahaha, if only she had the sex drive.
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Post by h on Oct 20, 2017 13:48:52 GMT -5
Ok then, your goal is to get your W to cheat! 😜 hahahaha, if only she had the sex drive. You could hire a male escort to really get her going.😀
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