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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 9, 2017 23:34:48 GMT -5
Since I stopped nagging him for sex we have gone almost an entire year without. The weird thing is, this strategy of totally withdrawing has actually made things better in a lot of ways. He has been calmer since I gave up on him. The yelling and insults have stopped and he has become more affectionate and kinder. It is like he can finally relax now that I don’t want or expect anything from him. We are actually living in his comfort zone. Since adjusting my expectations I am no longer so anguished over the rejection, but I deeply resent him for what he has taken from me. It is not just what I can’t have but also what I can’t give that saddens me. Living this way is a slow numbing death. I am badly entangled financially and logistically. Hi Laura. I know this is an older post but my jaw dropped when I read your words. I could have written the quoted part above verbatim but from the male perspective. In my case, there are also kids though. I hope you are in a good place at the moment. I am also grateful for finding this forum. My mind (and heart) are a nonstop wreck at this point and this forum provides some measure of respite from the anguish. All the best! |
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 11, 2017 0:44:04 GMT -5
Been married for 21 years now and pretty much give no fucks anymore, excuse the pun. At this point, I'm only in it so that I can see my children (4 and 6) grow up...as soon as they're grown, I'm fucking gone. If I were smarter, I would have dumped her ass long before we had kids. But like so many on here, I was dumb and thought the good parts were enough to sustain the marriage until she worked out whatever issues she had. I'm a goddamn idiot. I should have realized that all she wanted was a ring on her finger and a man to support her and brag about. Once I said "I do", she pretty much locked up the cookie jar. I used to be idiotically proud of being the faithful husband who would never cheat on his wife despite abundant opportunity and temptation. I realize now I wasted those opportunities for someone who wasn't deserving of my faithfulness. It's a fucking miracle she opened her legs enough times to actually get pregnant. I mean, I can count the number of times we've had sex since my first child was conceived 6 years ago on the fingers of one hand. It's been nearly 2 years since we last had sex. I tried to be patient, I tried to be understanding.
Well, fuck that shit! I'm no longer her husband, she's just my roommate. No more acknowledgement of our anniversary, Valentines Day, or her birthday. I got tired of pretending to be the wonderful family man; now I'm just the best father I can be to my kids. I know she's embarrassed now when her friends and family ask her and me what we did on those occasions and I say, "Nothing". Her cousin, whom she is close with, asked me if I wanted any help or advice planning something special for our 20th anniversary. I told her "Mind your own fucking business!" with such vehemence that she actually recoiled a bit.
Our "marriage" is irreparably damaged, and I have no desire to even try to fix it anymore. I think now she wants to try to work it out, but there's nothing there anymore as far as I'm concerned. Now I get to be the asshole and she gets to walk on eggshells trying to please me and save our marriage. She used to try to keep up the illusion of a successful marriage on social media, but she learned her lesson after I torpedoed those efforts a few times. I used to feel like I was trapped in the marriage with her; now, I feel like she is trapped in it with me.
I do my best to conceal my contempt for our marriage from our kids, but I do still worry that I'm setting a bad example for their future relationships. I give them lots of affection and never yell at their mom in front of them, though.
I'm probably coming off like a giant asshole, and I'm cursing in this post far more than I ever do in real life. I'm just happy to vent for a little bit to some people who actually know kind of what I am going through.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 11, 2017 1:11:54 GMT -5
Hey everyone.
I am new to the forum. I have been lurking over the past week or so and thought it was time to stop being rude and introduce myself. I see myself reflected in so many of these stories. I feel like responding to each one (and have in some cases) to say yup this is me. It is an amazing place and have found some comfort. While reading your stories, I feel like an Arnold Schwarzenegger in that movie twins where he speed reads that car manual or leeloo in the fifth element where she types in WAR in the computer and she becomes disillusioned. Except I typed sexless and I am disillusioned.
Im a youngish 46. Married for 17 years. Unlike many of the stories here, I do believe my W likes sex. In fact our last session was a quickie but pretty memorable (I'll write a post about that to get your thoughts). But our relationship is borderline sexless while I am very high libido. I am aware of the fact that many people would settle for once a month or every other month. Especially at my age or above. But quite frankly, I would love to do it in the morning and at night for 3 or 4 days on end. It used to be this way for the first 12 years or so. The last 5 years it has started to go downhill. I think the last 3 yeas we might average 10-15 times a year. But what kills me is the increasing rejection. When we do become intimate, its me that initiates. And most of the time, when I am not rejected, it feels like duty sex. So maybe enjoyable sex once every 4-5 months. It pains me that I even track this stuff. I never used to. One day I found myself trying to remember our last time together and from then on I tracked. Now when she gets into it, she gets into it, and its pretty phenomenal. Some folks I talk to think I should take what I can get and be thankful. To be honest, if my libido was lower, I don't think it would be a problem. But the reality is the amount of rejection leaves me feeling lonely. And my desire seems to make her angry and stressed which causes tension in our relationship. So I don't know where that puts me in the SM spectrum. Mildly SM? Up to now, I considered it a libido mismatch.
Lately, I don't want to try anymore because frequency is about once a month or sometimes longer. When I read the stories I think it will only get worse from here. I am not ready yet to grieve for my sex life.
However, since I moved out of the bedroom and stopped initiating, her behavior and attitude have started to change. There is less tension and anger. It feels like a transition to co-parenting and friendship. But it leaves me feeling worse when I think of it like that. Like the sex life with W is done and she is happy that I don't put pressure on her. There is more, recently my flirting game has started to re-appear. in my sexual frustration, I had a few racy chats with someone I met online who is also SM. I also have had a few other real life flirtations via text and face to face. Quite honestly, the flirting adds a bounce to my step. To feel desired. And yet, it comes with the price of guilt.
Not ready to fill the whole story yet. That will come. Thanks for reading!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2017 9:40:19 GMT -5
johannesfactotum you don't sound like an asshole, instead, you sound like a person who has been neglected and abused for years. I understand because I was in the same situation. Read & post here, and you will find that you are not alone. If you want, you can also check out my blog. There is a link to it below. You are among friends.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2017 9:42:25 GMT -5
TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo you are welcome here. You will not be judged for your attempts to fill the hole that your refuser has put in your life. Read & post, and I bet you will find that you are not alone.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jul 12, 2017 1:52:50 GMT -5
Hello all!
I've been lurking for a while and finally decided to jump in.
I'm 43 and married for 16 years to an older man who has Type II diabetes. When we first began dating, he told me he'd been diagnosed as bipolar but that it was a "bullshit" diagnosis, as he'd been under undue stress at the time.
We have one child who is 14. Our marriage has been low sex since my pregnancy in 2002.
At first, he told me we couldn't have ssx becsuse "the baby is watching". After he was born, it because "I'm too tired". Then "I'm not atttracted to you when the house is a mess".
Five years ago, I discovered a message board post from him in which he declared that he had decided I was "too self-absorbed" for him to be "in the mood".
Throughout the years, hugging, hand-holding and kissing have also mostly fallen by the wayside. He became angry and verbally abusive sometime after year 5 of our marriage. The same year, I went back to school to finish my BA and six months after graduation landed my dream job, making real money for the first time. He became financially irresponsible shortly thereafter
So our problems go beyond the bedroom. Two years ago, I left him and, after him having a nervous breakdown and him and my mom wiring to push us back together, I reluctantly moved back in.
Sex is infrequent still, and often involves only a bit of foreolay, or whatever he has enough energy for. He still uses tiredness or the bedroom being not clean enough - as an example - as an excuse.
We've been in marriage counseling since January 2016. His two big issues he wanted to see resolved were him buying a new car (which he did in April; I had no idea he was at the dealership until he texted me), and getting our son off the computer (another unilateral decision). At least we don't fight anymore. And sometimes he cooks. I still keep us afloat financially.
We actually had sex on the 4th of July and see our counselor tomorrow. Wish me luck... and thank you for creating this forum!
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Post by baza on Jul 12, 2017 2:45:16 GMT -5
Suggestion for you Sister mypaintbrushesPretend you are actually Elsie from Bumfuck Idaho for the next 10 minutes, and take a step back from the post. Then re-read that post, from *Elsie's* perspective of a total stranger. Would you have any suggestions for Sister mypaintbrushes ?? |
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Post by nancyb on Jul 12, 2017 7:41:19 GMT -5
Greetings to the newcomers. Welcome to the forum. You will find you are amongst friends in various stages of SM and beyond. I hope you find some solace and answers here.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2017 11:22:03 GMT -5
mypaintbrushesWelcome and I hope you enjoy this wonderful place. As for your H, if he is bipolar, he has no business getting off his meds. My guess is that he was in a manic phase when he bought the car. Please read and post here. You may see yourself in some of the situations.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jul 12, 2017 15:37:02 GMT -5
mypaintbrushesWelcome and I hope you enjoy this wonderful place. As for your H, if he is bipolar, he has no business getting off his meds. My guess is that he was in a manic phase when he bought the car. Please read and post here. You may see yourself in some of the situations. Yeah, he won't take meds. Was on Zoloft for 2 days a few years ago and stopped taking it, claiming, "I don't take drugs". He's even anti-Tylenol. He finally went on Metformin after trying to control his diabetes for 2 years with yoga. I know I left a lot of details out last night. This is actually my second marriage, and my first ex withheld sex at the end too. Once H and I got back together, he poached my friends (particularly the male ones). If I attempt to talk to anyone in life about my issues, they shrug and say "I don't know what to tell you". The finances are scary as my company monitors that kind of thing and I can lose my career. Also, my son is in special ed. Also, I survived child abuse at the hands of my father, who was an alcoholic. It's not so easy as "just leave". I was truly terrified that H was going to hurt himself 2 years ago. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2017 16:09:52 GMT -5
mypaintbrushesI know it is extremely hard to leave, and I am not suggesting that you do at this point. Why don't you start a thread in SM Issues talking about your whole story. Lots of us have been where you are and someone might help you with another perspective.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Jul 13, 2017 0:12:57 GMT -5
Been married for 21 years now and pretty much give no fucks anymore, excuse the pun. At this point, I'm only in it so that I can see my children (4 and 6) grow up...as soon as they're grown, I'm fucking gone. If I were smarter, I would have dumped her ass long before we had kids. But like so many on here, I was dumb and thought the good parts were enough to sustain the marriage until she worked out whatever issues she had. I'm a goddamn idiot. I should have realized that all she wanted was a ring on her finger and a man to support her and brag about. Once I said "I do", she pretty much locked up the cookie jar. I used to be idiotically proud of being the faithful husband who would never cheat on his wife despite abundant opportunity and temptation. I realize now I wasted those opportunities for someone who wasn't deserving of my faithfulness. It's a fucking miracle she opened her legs enough times to actually get pregnant. I mean, I can count the number of times we've had sex since my first child was conceived 6 years ago on the fingers of one hand. It's been nearly 2 years since we last had sex. I tried to be patient, I tried to be understanding. Well, fuck that shit! I'm no longer her husband, she's just my roommate. No more acknowledgement of our anniversary, Valentines Day, or her birthday. I got tired of pretending to be the wonderful family man; now I'm just the best father I can be to my kids. I know she's embarrassed now when her friends and family ask her and me what we did on those occasions and I say, "Nothing". Her cousin, whom she is close with, asked me if I wanted any help or advice planning something special for our 20th anniversary. I told her "Mind your own fucking business!" with such vehemence that she actually recoiled a bit. Our "marriage" is irreparably damaged, and I have no desire to even try to fix it anymore. I think now she wants to try to work it out, but there's nothing there anymore as far as I'm concerned. Now I get to be the asshole and she gets to walk on eggshells trying to please me and save our marriage. She used to try to keep up the illusion of a successful marriage on social media, but she learned her lesson after I torpedoed those efforts a few times. I used to feel like I was trapped in the marriage with her; now, I feel like she is trapped in it with me. I do my best to conceal my contempt for our marriage from our kids, but I do still worry that I'm setting a bad example for their future relationships. I give them lots of affection and never yell at their mom in front of them, though. I'm probably coming off like a giant asshole, and I'm cursing in this post far more than I ever do in real life. I'm just happy to vent for a little bit to some people who actually know kind of what I am going through. I just wanted to chime in as well... You are not an ass. Seriously, you deserve to be upset and feel what you are feeling. I am a bit shocked that you have been so dramatic with your approach towards her, that's some serious balls and no fucks. Do you feel like, if things continue down the path you are currently on, she will divorce you? Or do you feel like she may be waiting for the right moment to do so? (Say, after she finds out about an affair or had proof of something damaging?) Glad you are here to chime in, I hope to see more of your story 😊 |
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 14, 2017 0:08:01 GMT -5
Been married for 21 years now and pretty much give no fucks anymore, excuse the pun. At this point, I'm only in it so that I can see my children (4 and 6) grow up...as soon as they're grown, I'm fucking gone. If I were smarter, I would have dumped her ass long before we had kids. But like so many on here, I was dumb and thought the good parts were enough to sustain the marriage until she worked out whatever issues she had. I'm a goddamn idiot. I should have realized that all she wanted was a ring on her finger and a man to support her and brag about. Once I said "I do", she pretty much locked up the cookie jar. I used to be idiotically proud of being the faithful husband who would never cheat on his wife despite abundant opportunity and temptation. I realize now I wasted those opportunities for someone who wasn't deserving of my faithfulness. It's a fucking miracle she opened her legs enough times to actually get pregnant. I mean, I can count the number of times we've had sex since my first child was conceived 6 years ago on the fingers of one hand. It's been nearly 2 years since we last had sex. I tried to be patient, I tried to be understanding. Well, fuck that shit! I'm no longer her husband, she's just my roommate. No more acknowledgement of our anniversary, Valentines Day, or her birthday. I got tired of pretending to be the wonderful family man; now I'm just the best father I can be to my kids. I know she's embarrassed now when her friends and family ask her and me what we did on those occasions and I say, "Nothing". Her cousin, whom she is close with, asked me if I wanted any help or advice planning something special for our 20th anniversary. I told her "Mind your own fucking business!" with such vehemence that she actually recoiled a bit. Our "marriage" is irreparably damaged, and I have no desire to even try to fix it anymore. I think now she wants to try to work it out, but there's nothing there anymore as far as I'm concerned. Now I get to be the asshole and she gets to walk on eggshells trying to please me and save our marriage. She used to try to keep up the illusion of a successful marriage on social media, but she learned her lesson after I torpedoed those efforts a few times. I used to feel like I was trapped in the marriage with her; now, I feel like she is trapped in it with me. I do my best to conceal my contempt for our marriage from our kids, but I do still worry that I'm setting a bad example for their future relationships. I give them lots of affection and never yell at their mom in front of them, though. I'm probably coming off like a giant asshole, and I'm cursing in this post far more than I ever do in real life. I'm just happy to vent for a little bit to some people who actually know kind of what I am going through. I just wanted to chime in as well... You are not an ass. Seriously, you deserve to be upset and feel what you are feeling. I am a bit shocked that you have been so dramatic with your approach towards her, that's some serious balls and no fucks. Do you feel like, if things continue down the path you are currently on, she will divorce you? Or do you feel like she may be waiting for the right moment to do so? (Say, after she finds out about an affair or had proof of something damaging?) Glad you are here to chime in, I hope to see more of your story 😊 I don't think she would initiate divorce proceedings. I think her thing is that she cares more about the appearance of a happy successful marriage than actually having a happy successful marriage. It's why I've been shutting down her bullshit social media postings. The last straw for me was when I overheard her talking to her busybody faux-Christian cousin about our sex life and she was totally lying about the frequency of our encounters. She said we had sex every couple of days, when we hadn't been intimate in 18 months at that time. I blew up at her when she was still on the phone and essentially made sure that her cousin heard when I said it was bullshit. She hung up and we had it out. The thing is, I'm not sure if she doesn't actually believe her bullshit lies about our relationship, so I called her out on it everytime it came to my attention. I don't know if she was trying to gaslight me about our sexual frequency, but she actually tried to tell me that we have sex at least once a week, like I'm a goddamn sexual Tyler Durden. That happened only rarely once we actually got married and I know for damn sure that we never had sex more than 5 or 6 times a year at our most prolific. She stopped telling me that once I threw it back at her and said that if she is having sex weekly it certainly isn't with me and that she must be a cheating drug-using whore who can't remember who she is having sex with. I hate to say it, but the truth is that it makes me feel good to make her feel bad about our marriage now. I've replaced the thrill of sex with the thrill of embarrassing the everloving fuck out of her, especially since she hates that kind of attention. I think friends and family used to be sort of jealous of her perfect little life: happy marriage to successful husband, nice home, and beautiful kids. She would display affection for me on pictures that she withheld in life, and I reciprocated for the cameras too. Not anymore. Honestly, now she seems very diminished, somehow, and I wonder if I haven't gone a bit too far. For the kids' sake, I don't want her to hurt herself or anything (I personally don't give a fuck). I'm actually thinking about divorcing her now, while the children are young and more resilient, rather than later when they will have grown up surrounded by our toxic relationship as a role model on which to base their future relationships. I'm starting to come around to the idea that it would be better for the kids to see their parents happy separately instead of miserable together. I'm also worried that my bitterness and viciousness might become a permanent part of my personality if we stay together that long and I don't want to be this person I'm becoming. If I do ever decide to have an affair while we are still married, I'll make damn sure that she knows about it beforehand and that I'm doing it because of her constant refusals. She knows from previous conversations/arguments that if she tries the same, I will immediately divorce her and scorch and salt the goddamn earth doing so. Before anyone accuses me of hypocrisy, I would only cheat because she long refused to participate in an important aspect of our relationship. If she would have been a willing active participant, I never would have cheated on her (and the fact that I've stayed faithful through 21 years of this bullshit is proof of that fact). On the other hand, adultery on her part means that she doesn't want to participate in that aspect of a relationship with me. To be fair, I wouldn't fuck her with anyone else's dick at this point because sex with her is so unsatisfying and one-sided, that I'd pretty much rather do anything else. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 14, 2017 7:03:15 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes Welcome and I hope you enjoy this wonderful place. As for your H, if he is bipolar, he has no business getting off his meds. My guess is that he was in a manic phase when he bought the car. Please read and post here. You may see yourself in some of the situations. Yeah, he won't take meds. Was on Zoloft for 2 days a few years ago and stopped taking it, claiming, "I don't take drugs". He's even anti-Tylenol. He finally went on Metformin after trying to control his diabetes for 2 years with yoga. I know I left a lot of details out last night. This is actually my second marriage, and my first ex withheld sex at the end too. Once H and I got back together, he poached my friends (particularly the male ones). If I attempt to talk to anyone in life about my issues, they shrug and say "I don't know what to tell you". The finances are scary as my company monitors that kind of thing and I can lose my career. Also, my son is in special ed. Also, I survived child abuse at the hands of my father, who was an alcoholic. It's not so easy as "just leave". I was truly terrified that H was going to hurt himself 2 years ago. Just to point out, you went from abuse done by your alcoholic father to abuse done by your choosing to be untreated husband "He became angry and verbally abusive sometime after year 5 of our marriage." Is this something you want your child to wittiness and perpetuate the cycle of abuse? I think it would be helpful to look at sister eternaloptimism postings and then step back and look at what is happening to you. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 15, 2017 0:42:21 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes you've only done a couple posts but I'm feeling you. It seems you have become his parent not his spouse. By that I mean you feel responsible for him. You need to start thinking about yourself. Tough one when you have been holding everything together for so many years. Easy to say I know. I'm just coming out the other side of this realisation myself. You've a lot of self reflection to be doing before you can improve things for yourself. But you are in a great place to have that begin. My first nugget of well earned wisdom for you would be that you can't control or be responsible for anyone except yourself. I hope you keep posting friend  Xxx
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