archived introductions (July/Aug 2017)

Hey everyone.

I am new to the forum. I have been lurking over the past week or so and thought it was time to stop being rude and introduce myself. I see myself reflected in so many of these stories. I feel like responding to each one (and have in some cases) to say yup this is me. It is an amazing place and have found some comfort. While reading your stories, I feel like an Arnold Schwarzenegger in that movie twins where he speed reads that car manual or leeloo in the fifth element where she types in WAR in the computer and she becomes disillusioned. Except I typed sexless and I am disillusioned.

Im a youngish 46. Married for 17 years. Unlike many of the stories here, I do believe my W likes sex. In fact our last session was a quickie but pretty memorable (I'll write a post about that to get your thoughts). But our relationship is borderline sexless while I am very high libido. I am aware of the fact that many people would settle for once a month or every other month. Especially at my age or above. But quite frankly, I would love to do it in the morning and at night for 3 or 4 days on end. It used to be this way for the first 12 years or so. The last 5 years it has started to go downhill. I think the last 3 yeas we might average 10-15 times a year. But what kills me is the increasing rejection. When we do become intimate, its me that initiates. And most of the time, when I am not rejected, it feels like duty sex. So maybe enjoyable sex once every 4-5 months. It pains me that I even track this stuff. I never used to. One day I found myself trying to remember our last time together and from then on I tracked. Now when she gets into it, she gets into it, and its pretty phenomenal. Some folks I talk to think I should take what I can get and be thankful. To be honest, if my libido was lower, I don't think it would be a problem. But the reality is the amount of rejection leaves me feeling lonely. And my desire seems to make her angry and stressed which causes tension in our relationship. So I don't know where that puts me in the SM spectrum. Mildly SM? Up to now, I considered it a libido mismatch.

Lately, I don't want to try anymore because frequency is about once a month or sometimes longer. When I read the stories I think it will only get worse from here. I am not ready yet to grieve for my sex life.
However, since I moved out of the bedroom and stopped initiating, her behavior and attitude have started to change. There is less tension and anger. It feels like a transition to co-parenting and friendship. But it leaves me feeling worse when I think of it like that. Like the sex life with W is done and she is happy that I don't put pressure on her. There is more, recently my flirting game has started to re-appear. in my sexual frustration, I had a few racy chats with someone I met online who is also SM. I also have had a few other real life flirtations via text and face to face. Quite honestly, the flirting adds a bounce to my step. To feel desired. And yet, it comes with the price of guilt.

Not ready to fill the whole story yet. That will come. Thanks for reading!

TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo you are welcome here. You will not be judged for your attempts to fill the hole that your refuser has put in your life. Read & post, and I bet you will find that you are not alone.

Suggestion for you Sister mypaintbrushes

Pretend you are actually Elsie from Bumfuck Idaho for the next 10 minutes, and take a step back from the post.

Then re-read that post, from *Elsie's* perspective of a total stranger.

Would you have any suggestions for Sister mypaintbrushes ??

mypaintbrushes

Welcome and I hope you enjoy this wonderful place. As for your H, if he is bipolar, he has no business getting off his meds. My guess is that he was in a manic phase when he bought the car.

Please read and post here. You may see yourself in some of the situations.

mypaintbrushes

I know it is extremely hard to leave, and I am not suggesting that you do at this point. Why don't you start a thread in SM Issues talking about your whole story. Lots of us have been where you are and someone might help you with another perspective.

I don't think she would initiate divorce proceedings. I think her thing is that she cares more about the appearance of a happy successful marriage than actually having a happy successful marriage. It's why I've been shutting down her bullshit social media postings. The last straw for me was when I overheard her talking to her busybody faux-Christian cousin about our sex life and she was totally lying about the frequency of our encounters. She said we had sex every couple of days, when we hadn't been intimate in 18 months at that time. I blew up at her when she was still on the phone and essentially made sure that her cousin heard when I said it was bullshit. She hung up and we had it out. The thing is, I'm not sure if she doesn't actually believe her bullshit lies about our relationship, so I called her out on it everytime it came to my attention. I don't know if she was trying to gaslight me about our sexual frequency, but she actually tried to tell me that we have sex at least once a week, like I'm a goddamn sexual Tyler Durden. That happened only rarely once we actually got married and I know for damn sure that we never had sex more than 5 or 6 times a year at our most prolific. She stopped telling me that once I threw it back at her and said that if she is having sex weekly it certainly isn't with me and that she must be a cheating drug-using whore who can't remember who she is having sex with.

I hate to say it, but the truth is that it makes me feel good to make her feel bad about our marriage now. I've replaced the thrill of sex with the thrill of embarrassing the everloving fuck out of her, especially since she hates that kind of attention. I think friends and family used to be sort of jealous of her perfect little life: happy marriage to successful husband, nice home, and beautiful kids. She would display affection for me on pictures that she withheld in life, and I reciprocated for the cameras too. Not anymore.

Honestly, now she seems very diminished, somehow, and I wonder if I haven't gone a bit too far. For the kids' sake, I don't want her to hurt herself or anything (I personally don't give a fuck). I'm actually thinking about divorcing her now, while the children are young and more resilient, rather than later when they will have grown up surrounded by our toxic relationship as a role model on which to base their future relationships. I'm starting to come around to the idea that it would be better for the kids to see their parents happy separately instead of miserable together. I'm also worried that my bitterness and viciousness might become a permanent part of my personality if we stay together that long and I don't want to be this person I'm becoming.

If I do ever decide to have an affair while we are still married, I'll make damn sure that she knows about it beforehand and that I'm doing it because of her constant refusals. She knows from previous conversations/arguments that if she tries the same, I will immediately divorce her and scorch and salt the goddamn earth doing so. Before anyone accuses me of hypocrisy, I would only cheat because she long refused to participate in an important aspect of our relationship. If she would have been a willing active participant, I never would have cheated on her (and the fact that I've stayed faithful through 21 years of this bullshit is proof of that fact). On the other hand, adultery on her part means that she doesn't want to participate in that aspect of a relationship with me. To be fair, I wouldn't fuck her with anyone else's dick at this point because sex with her is so unsatisfying and one-sided, that I'd pretty much rather do anything else.