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Post by kathryn on Jul 16, 2017 11:59:28 GMT -5
I'm Kathryn and am looking for help/advice. Hubby and I have been married 38 yrs, with the last 8 basically sexless. He started to changed physically about 10 yrs ago with his penis not as long as it once was and he also stopped getting an erection upon waking every day. Our sex life started to wan and over several years went from active,to sporadic, to nonexistent. When we met and married, we had a great connection and for years sex was good. Of course as the years went by things slowed down a bit, but I never envisioned a life like I have now. I think my sex drive was always greater than his, but it wasn't really a problem. I've tried talking, I asked him to get a check up which he did.....testosterone levels not low and dr told him penis size can change with age. He also gave him cialis which he took once or twice. He tells me he has no desire for sex, tells me he loves me, tells me he knows my anger/frustration/hating life is his fault. There are many days now I spend entire days with him barely speaking or looking him in the eye. I've gone from passionately loving my husband to almost despising him. This couldn't have possibly happened at a worse time as I was going through menopause and experiencing changes in my own body. One change was vaginal dryness but I now use premarin cream which takes care of this issue. I still think I'm fit for my age at 5'9 and weighing 145 and keep my hair, make-up, etc. We're both retired and can't support 2 households. If we could, I would have left him by now. I feel unloved, trapped, unattractive, frustrated, and so very, very angry. The thought of spending the rest of my life like this is unbearable. I'm considering an affair. I find myself returning glances/looks when I see men looking at me. When men talk to me while I'm out and about, I now return conversation and have even flirted. My hubby was always a bit jealous when men would look/wink/stare at me, but now he doesn't seem to notice. I so, so miss sex. I miss cuddling, kissed, and just plain old intimacy. I now have sex by myself with my "fantasy lover", probably 4-6 times a week. I even dream about sex with him. I even woke up having an orgasm once or twice. Sorry for being graphic, but I want to be honest about it all.
I appreciate being able to vent and for the first time, get everything out there in the open. Thanks for reading my post. I look forward to reading here and maybe even identifying with people like myself.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 16, 2017 12:18:31 GMT -5
kathryn Welcome to the club no one wanted to be a member of, I am sorry your here.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2017 15:54:23 GMT -5
I'm Kathryn and am looking for help/advice. Hubby and I have been married 38 yrs, with the last 8 basically sexless. He started to changed physically about 10 yrs ago with his penis not as long as it once was and he also stopped getting an erection upon waking every day. Our sex life started to wan and over several years went from active,to sporadic, to nonexistent. When we met and married, we had a great connection and for years sex was good. Of course as the years went by things slowed down a bit, but I never envisioned a life like I have now. I think my sex drive was always greater than his, but it wasn't really a problem. I've tried talking, I asked him to get a check up which he did.....testosterone levels not low and dr told him penis size can change with age. He also gave him cialis which he took once or twice. He tells me he has no desire for sex, tells me he loves me, tells me he knows my anger/frustration/hating life is his fault. There are many days now I spend entire days with him barely speaking or looking him in the eye. I've gone from passionately loving my husband to almost despising him. This couldn't have possibly happened at a worse time as I was going through menopause and experiencing changes in my own body. One change was vaginal dryness but I now use premarin cream which takes care of this issue. I still think I'm fit for my age at 5'9 and weighing 145 and keep my hair, make-up, etc. We're both retired and can't support 2 households. If we could, I would have left him by now. I feel unloved, trapped, unattractive, frustrated, and so very, very angry. The thought of spending the rest of my life like this is unbearable. I'm considering an affair. I find myself returning glances/looks when I see men looking at me. When men talk to me while I'm out and about, I now return conversation and have even flirted. My hubby was always a bit jealous when men would look/wink/stare at me, but now he doesn't seem to notice. I so, so miss sex. I miss cuddling, kissed, and just plain old intimacy. I now have sex by myself with my "fantasy lover", probably 4-6 times a week. I even dream about sex with him. I even woke up having an orgasm once or twice. Sorry for being graphic, but I want to be honest about it all. I appreciate being able to vent and for the first time, get everything out there in the open. Thanks for reading my post. I look forward to reading here and maybe even identifying with people like myself. Kathryn, you are not being too graphic! LOL, we all get a LOT more graphic here. As to your H, do you know the actual numbers of his testosterone test? I was tested in 2014, and was told mine was in the normal range, but it was only normal for an 80 year old man. I got on testosterone pellets and I feel line I am 25! Welcome and remember that you are among friends now. |
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Post by tiredoftears on Jul 18, 2017 10:59:00 GMT -5
My sadness far outweighs any other emotion, life is becoming a pit of despair into which I sink... The only thing I enjoy anymore is food. In less than two years, my weight has doubled. I am getting scared of my emotions, and sexual urges... Every one leads to a binge. My s/o enables me, offering more and more food, looking for new resteraunts... I wonder if he is ensuring I get fatter and fatter to depend on him, and to give reason to why he won't have sex with me. So that I can be the one to blame. Sigh...
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 18, 2017 11:23:49 GMT -5
My sadness far outweighs any other emotion, life is becoming a pit of despair into which I sink... The only thing I enjoy anymore is food. In less than two years, my weight has doubled. I am getting scared of my emotions, and sexual urges... Every one leads to a binge. My s/o enables me, offering more and more food, looking for new resteraunts... I wonder if he is ensuring I get fatter and fatter to depend on him, and to give reason to why he won't have sex with me. So that I can be the one to blame. Sigh... Welcome to the sad club no one wants to be part of. I think all of us have self medicated in some way to drown our sorrows. |
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Post by tiredoftears on Jul 18, 2017 11:28:03 GMT -5
Thank you
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2017 14:42:13 GMT -5
My sadness far outweighs any other emotion, life is becoming a pit of despair into which I sink... The only thing I enjoy anymore is food. In less than two years, my weight has doubled. I am getting scared of my emotions, and sexual urges... Every one leads to a binge. My s/o enables me, offering more and more food, looking for new restaraunts... I wonder if he is ensuring I get fatter and fatter to depend on him, and to give reason to why he won't have sex with me. So that I can be the one to blame. Sigh... tiredoftears, you know you are not doing yourself any good, so I will not discuss that. I do know that your H is not doing you any good. Please start a thread in the SM section, explain your entire situation, and you will get a lot of support. Maybe even some insights that will help you beat this situation. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2017 16:24:20 GMT -5
kathryn Welcome to the club no one wanted to be a member of, I am sorry your here. I'm not quite sure why but this hit me funny, my first thought was, "Does that mean we don't get jackets?" |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2017 16:48:47 GMT -5
I've been hanging out here for a couple of months and finally decided to throw up my backstory. I fall into the "we're not dysfunctional and have kids and aren't broke but I swear my partner is asexual" category. With the crystal clear hindsight of 30 years together and 28 years married, I really should have known because all of the boxes were ticked:
Wedding night sex - nope (headache or whatever, I don't remember the refusal line anymore)
Kissing - yes (if you count the dry, tight lipped kiss most mornings when I head to work)
No tolerance for discussion of sex
Any compromise short lived
Sex is like a medical procedure, endured and then cleaned up
Ad infinitum
So, here I am 30 years down the road. I've chosen to stay but have been battling some resentment this month. Sometimes I understand how it can be difficult for my wifey that I want a more intimate and loving connection but sometimes I can't help but think, "What's the big deal?". Honestly, in terms of time commitment it's way down on things like painting the house or remodeling bathrooms. We used to joke at the end of a busy weekend that her list got done and mine didn't. Hers had "clean kitchen, plant garden" and mine had "build house". Lately I'm feeling like it was a bad time trade which makes me feel small and selfish. These were my decisions too, right? I've considered outsourcing at times but now I'm 50 and am not attractive and fit any longer. I need to change that but can't find the motivation right now. I've beat myself up every way that there is trying to find the answer, trying to fix what's broken with the great irony that it can't be fixed looming in the background. For huge blocks of years I assumed it was 100% me (Do I need to do more house chores, less house chores, make more money, communicate more, communicate less, etc....) and then when our last kiddo left for College I had the unbelievably naive hope that maybe we would be more intimate with an empty nest. Maybe even sit on the same couch at the end of a busy day to hold hands and watch a show. Nope. No change at all and the empty nest coincided with menopause so if anything it's worse than ever.
So, about a year ago, I revisited exiting the relationship. I found a few articles on how divorcing when the kids are in College impacts them more than previously thought, blah, blah. So, I'm resigned to remain the sexless rock. Support the family, pay for College, be the maintenance man, cook my share of meals and all for what, I'm left wanting the one thing I can't have with my spouse and can't betray the family by tearing their life all down.
Being on this forum has helped so much, just being among others that have either solved their issues or not.
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DrNo
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by DrNo on Jul 18, 2017 18:02:59 GMT -5
Snap! Almost like for like.
not an easy position to be in.
can I just say well done on writing it for us to read. I've not found the courage to do that yet.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 18, 2017 18:19:18 GMT -5
Lol. It means we get the jackets no one wanted to wear. I will show myself out now. kathryn Welcome to the club no one wanted to be a member of, I am sorry your here. I'm not quite sure why but this hit me funny, my first thought was, "Does that mean we don't get jackets?" |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2017 5:18:32 GMT -5
I've been hanging out here for a couple of months and finally decided to throw up my backstory. I fall into the "we're not dysfunctional and have kids and aren't broke but I swear my partner is asexual" category. With the crystal clear hindsight of 30 years together and 28 years married, I really should have known because all of the boxes were ticked: Wedding night sex - nope (headache or whatever, I don't remember the refusal line anymore) Kissing - yes (if you count the dry, tight lipped kiss most mornings when I head to work) No tolerance for discussion of sex Any compromise short lived Sex is like a medical procedure, endured and then cleaned up Ad infinitum So, here I am 30 years down the road. I've chosen to stay but have been battling some resentment this month. Sometimes I understand how it can be difficult for my wifey that I want a more intimate and loving connection but sometimes I can't help but think, "What's the big deal?". Honestly, in terms of time commitment it's way down on things like painting the house or remodeling bathrooms. We used to joke at the end of a busy weekend that her list got done and mine didn't. Hers had "clean kitchen, plant garden" and mine had "build house". Lately I'm feeling like it was a bad time trade which makes me feel small and selfish. These were my decisions too, right? I've considered outsourcing at times but now I'm 50 and am not attractive and fit any longer. I need to change that but can't find the motivation right now. I've beat myself up every way that there is trying to find the answer, trying to fix what's broken with the great irony that it can't be fixed looming in the background. For huge blocks of years I assumed it was 100% me (Do I need to do more house chores, less house chores, make more money, communicate more, communicate less, etc....) and then when our last kiddo left for College I had the unbelievably naive hope that maybe we would be more intimate with an empty nest. Maybe even sit on the same couch at the end of a busy day to hold hands and watch a show. Nope. No change at all and the empty nest coincided with menopause so if anything it's worse than ever. So, about a year ago, I revisited exiting the relationship. I found a few articles on how divorcing when the kids are in College impacts them more than previously thought, blah, blah. So, I'm resigned to remain the sexless rock. Support the family, pay for College, be the maintenance man, cook my share of meals and all for what, I'm left wanting the one thing I can't have with my spouse and can't betray the family by tearing their life all down. Being on this forum has helped so much, just being among others that have either solved their issues or not. Welcome my friend. My situation is almost identical, but I already left. Unfortunately, I had to admit that my refuser did NOT love me and never would. |
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Post by orangepeel on Jul 21, 2017 2:59:24 GMT -5
Snap again. Ditto. If it's any consolation, I know EXACTLY what you mean and how it feels.
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Post by lyn on Jul 25, 2017 1:36:23 GMT -5
@tooyoungtobeold Welcome! Well, I know you've been around here a bit, but still.
AT LEAST you have made a choice in your situation. The choice to stay. I think it feels better to make A choice of some sort in these f*cked-up situations. Stay * Leave * Cheat. Like you said, you've chosen to stay and you have your reasons.
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Tiny little voice in your head will probably always whisper, "maybe I should leave. Maybe life would be better .......Maybe I should have left...........Maybe life would've been better........ maybe .......maybe....... maybe.........maybe............maybe..........
I digress.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2017 11:06:19 GMT -5
@tooyoungtobeold Welcome! Well, I know you've been around here a bit, but still. AT LEAST you have made a choice in your situation. The choice to stay. I think it feels better to make A choice of some sort in these f*cked-up situations. Stay * Leave * Cheat. Like you said, you've chosen to stay and you have your reasons. -------------- Tiny little voice in your head will probably always whisper, "maybe I should leave. Maybe life would be better .......Maybe I should have left...........Maybe life would've been better........ maybe .......maybe....... maybe.........maybe............maybe.......... I digress. That's not a digression but a fact. Some days, it's more than a whisper. |
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