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Post by sadkat on Nov 28, 2018 13:14:25 GMT -5
“Things are as they are, we suffer because we imagined different’. ~Anonymous
I saw this in my email inbox last night. It is from Sharon Pope. She is a licensed counselor who I came across when she offered a free book on relationships. The book was essentially a pitch for her consulting services. I am also now on her mailing list. Every once in a while I’ll receive little nuggets like this. This one hit me hard last night - for many reasons. I think it is very applicable to our situations. Here are some other hi-lights from her email:
“If you want to end your suffering, it will require you to make peace with it”
“It will require you to express what you need (of course) and let others do what they want to do.”
“Only then will you actually be able to see and experience true peace in relationships.”
“In order to create a new experience that feels really good we have to be willing to release the pain that is causing our suffering”.
I think this is heartbreakingly hard to do in some situations but strikes me as being absolutely necessary before we can move forward.
What do you think?
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Post by h on Nov 28, 2018 14:25:31 GMT -5
I totally agree with you. I think I have finally started towards this goal. I still get frustrated at times, but I've almost accepted my situation for what it is. Doing so has eliminated much of the resentment I had built up for so long. I know that my W "is who she is" and that isn't going to change. I think that I held on to the resentment because I expected her to someday "snap out of it" and change our situation. Accepting her as she is meant that I also had to admit that our situation wasn't fixable, which is why I was so reluctant to accept it. I feel better and worse about it. It's good to be getting over the anger and resentment but it's sad to accept the realization that my marriage has no hope and no future.
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Post by WindSister on Nov 28, 2018 14:28:42 GMT -5
I think you are absolutely correct!
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Post by sadkat on Nov 28, 2018 15:49:50 GMT -5
h- yes, it is hard to accept when a marriage has no hope and no future. In my case, I’ve decided to take the risk and move forward- away from my marriage. I see a lot of uncertainty and maybe some significant pain before the dust settles but I know for certain I cannot be happy where I sit today.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 28, 2018 15:58:07 GMT -5
h- yes, it is hard to accept when a marriage has no hope and no future. In my case, I’ve decided to take the risk and move forward- away from my marriage. I see a lot of uncertainty and maybe some significant pain before the dust settles but I know for certain I cannot be happy where I sit today. Could not have said it better myself. I am with you! |
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Post by baza on Nov 28, 2018 18:24:41 GMT -5
“Things are as they are, we suffer because we imagined different’. ~Anonymous
It is a highly relevant quote as applied to an ILIASM deal.
The thing is, that one's marriage generates exactly what it is capable of generating, no more - and no less.
We (or at least me - when I joined the precursor group to this one) had an inflated idea of what our ILIASM deal was capable of.
The limitations in my deal were me and the unique personal traits I brought to the marital table, and the unique personal traits my missus brought to the marital table.
This unique combination of two unique people was capable of "X".
We - or at least I - thought our unique combination was capable of "Y".
We - or at least I - grossly overestimated what our unique combination was capable of.
In any event, our unique combination produced "X".
Exactly what it was capable of.
That realisation (that our ILIASM deal was incapable of producing a "Y") took me years to grasp.....or, to repeat the quote - "“Things are as they are, we suffer because we imagined different’. ~Anonymous
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 28, 2018 18:26:48 GMT -5
I completely agree.
And it’s not an easy thing to do. But it’s also not impossible and it is empowering when you realize you don’t have to be a victim to your suffering and can take positive steps to rectify ANY situation - even if it’s just reframing the way you think about something.
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Post by sadkat on Nov 28, 2018 21:59:48 GMT -5
I completely agree. And it’s not an easy thing to do. But it’s also not impossible and it is empowering when you realize you don’t have to be a victim to your suffering and can take positive steps to rectify ANY situation - even if it’s just reframing the way you think about something. I agree, choosinghappy- it is very empowering when you realize you no longer have to be a victim to your suffering. I love your choice of words here! |
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Post by solodriver on Dec 2, 2018 22:11:42 GMT -5
I completely agree. And it’s not an easy thing to do. But it’s also not impossible and it is empowering when you realize you don’t have to be a victim to your suffering and can take positive steps to rectify ANY situation - even if it’s just reframing the way you think about something. Reframing the way I think has been the way I've gotten through the past couple of months and will get me through the next several months until I can exit. |
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Post by frustrated on Dec 3, 2018 1:18:55 GMT -5
Wow, this is so true. Yesterday I experienced a tiny moment of peace. I was grateful to be aware of it. It was like a lil piece of acceptance about my situation. I’m working on transitioning to just being room mates. For that brief moment, I felt ok, free of resentment and hurt. It gave me hope that I can do this. I am restructuring my thinking. It is possible. So sad and so not what I want, but survival is necessary right now.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 3, 2018 2:49:55 GMT -5
"...It will require you to express what you need (of course) and let others do what they want to do.”
“Only then will you actually be able to see and experience true peace in relationships..."
This reminds me of a post I saw on social media. I was too far removed from the situation to know there was any issue, but his post made reference to his difficulties, then went on to thank his friends that stepped up to support him, revealing the sort of people they were. Then he went on to thank those that did not support him, because it also revealed the sort of people they were.
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Post by sadkat on Dec 3, 2018 11:35:27 GMT -5
Wow, this is so true. Yesterday I experienced a tiny moment of peace. I was grateful to be aware of it. It was like a lil piece of acceptance about my situation. I’m working on transitioning to just being room mates. For that brief moment, I felt ok, free of resentment and hurt. It gave me hope that I can do this. I am restructuring my thinking. It is possible. So sad and so not what I want, but survival is necessary right now. One day at a time. You might only be able to manage one step at a time. However you do it, forward progress is important. Good for you! It is definitely not easy and you’ll have many sad and painful moments but you will become stronger as you focus on yourself. |
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Post by sadkat on Dec 4, 2018 20:05:58 GMT -5
 Today’s nugget from Sharon Pope. What do you think? |
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Post by sadkat on Jan 15, 2020 15:54:56 GMT -5
Another very good message from Sharon Pope  |
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Post by lessingham on Jan 16, 2020 5:34:30 GMT -5
The hardest truth I heard was "right now, exactly what you have is exactly what you want." The speaker said whenever he says this he gets howls of denials. His response was "if you don't like it, why don't you change it?" Crudely summed up as poop or get off the pot. I am very good at not liking what I have and most excellent at knowing what I want. The hardest, hardest bit is doing something about it.
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