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Post by h on Dec 14, 2018 10:18:20 GMT -5
I have not confided in anyone outside of this site. I feel that to do so would be disloyal to H as this would undoubtedly embarrass and emasculate him if he were to know. I guess this reflects the social stereotyping that all men have rampant libidos (oh and all women are seeking to avoid etc etc). I suppose I am also reluctant to advertise that my husband considers me unfuckable. I imagine (but might be wrong) that men in this situation may be viewed differently than us females? Here I am assuming that refusing wives are not an unknown concept in society but refusing husbands seem to be. Perhaps I am wrong. It's not as well known in general society, but it is just as common. About half of the members here are women. The problem is that people don't talk about it and so the stereotype persists. People in psychology/therapy circles are more aware of how common this is. |
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Post by workingonit on Dec 14, 2018 11:05:06 GMT -5
I stayed silent for 7 years of sexlessness. Then I spoke about in therapy, which I had started in order to help me deal with my son's mental health issues. After that I told me best friend. Now, 2 years later my 5 closest friends know, my sister, father, aunt and cousin know. Everyone is really supportive. But carl is right- they all think I should leave him. But that support is really important for me because I agree! |
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Post by choosinghappy on Dec 14, 2018 11:10:31 GMT -5
I stayed silent for 7 years of sexlessness. Then I spoke about in therapy, which I had started in order to help me deal with my son's mental health issues. After that I told me best friend. Now, 2 years later my 5 closest friends know, my sister, father, aunt and cousin know. Everyone is really supportive. But carl is right- they all think I should leave him. But that support is really important for me because I agree! I was taken aback by how strong my friends and family members reactions were when I shared the truth with them. Most of them were shocked and they felt terrible for me. It helped me to understand that this really is NOT normal. I felt very supported when I chose to leave him and am so glad I reached out and shared. |
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Post by workingonit on Dec 14, 2018 11:11:46 GMT -5
The 5 years question....
I see my life recreated totally. Divorced, for sure. This sounds nuts to some people but my very serious plan is to be living in an RV. I want to live very simply and portably, travel, and take short term work assignments. I want to work 6 months and travel 6 months each year, which I will be able to do in my career.
I do not think I want a relationship within 5 years. I hope to have at least one fwb in my travels though! If I find the right person I will reevaluate at that time. I think after 18 years of marriage I need some serious independence.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 11:46:01 GMT -5
I have 4 trusted confidants (2 female and 2 male friends) who know. They are all part of my swinger circle and for various reasons I felt I could trust them with my "secret". ALL were shocked and in complete disbelief as they all know my husband, too. And again ... swinging and sexless marriages hardly typically go together. All have been supportive and are helping me process my feelings on staying or leaving my marriage. As with this group, I'm forever grateful to them.
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Post by h on Dec 14, 2018 11:49:40 GMT -5
The 5 years question.... I see my life recreated totally. Divorced, for sure. This sounds nuts to some people but my very serious plan is to be living in an RV. I want to live very simply and portably, travel, and take short term work assignments. I want to work 6 months and travel 6 months each year, which I will be able to do in my career. I do not think I want a relationship within 5 years. I hope to have at least one fwb in my travels though! If I find the right person I will reevaluate at that time. I think after 18 years of marriage I need some serious independence. I guess I have the opposite attitude in some respects. I get why you would want independence after so long being married. For me, I want a real, adult relationship with an actual "partner" who takes care of me as much as I take care of her. I've never had the chance to receive before so that's why I think of it the other way. I've already had many years of being independent, taking care of myself, not depending on anyone else for anything, essentially being an adult all alone. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 11:50:23 GMT -5
I have not confided in anyone outside of this site. I feel that to do so would be disloyal to H as this would undoubtedly embarrass and emasculate him if he were to know. I guess this reflects the social stereotyping that all men have rampant libidos (oh and all women are seeking to avoid etc etc). I suppose I am also reluctant to advertise that my husband considers me unfuckable. I imagine (but might be wrong) that men in this situation may be viewed differently than us females? Here I am assuming that refusing wives are not an unknown concept in society but refusing husbands seem to be. Perhaps I am wrong. @ isthisit ... "I am also reluctant to advertise that my husband considers me unfuckable." OMG, yes. He will fuck 6 complete strangers at a swingers party, but I have to wait weeks to months for my 10 minutes? How completely humiliating. Yet, he professes he loves me and is very much attracted to me? WTF? Sigh .... |
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Post by workingonit on Dec 14, 2018 12:51:07 GMT -5
The 5 years question.... I see my life recreated totally. Divorced, for sure. This sounds nuts to some people but my very serious plan is to be living in an RV. I want to live very simply and portably, travel, and take short term work assignments. I want to work 6 months and travel 6 months each year, which I will be able to do in my career. I do not think I want a relationship within 5 years. I hope to have at least one fwb in my travels though! If I find the right person I will reevaluate at that time. I think after 18 years of marriage I need some serious independence. I guess I have the opposite attitude in some respects. I get why you would want independence after so long being married. For me, I want a real, adult relationship with an actual "partner" who takes care of me as much as I take care of her. I've never had the chance to receive before so that's why I think of it the other way. I've already had many years of being independent, taking care of myself, not depending on anyone else for anything, essentially being an adult all alone. My adult life has been filled with a deep sense of duty and obligation to others. Married at 26, a mom by 27. I have been taking care of people for so long. People often ask me why I stayed in an unhappy marriage. The answer is I felt obligated to. Trapped. Also, tbh, trapped in taking care of a special needs child. Every decision I have made since the age of 26 has been with someone else in mind. I am looking forward to shifting that. Obviously as a mom I will not be obligation free but it will shift. |
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Post by isthisit on Dec 14, 2018 13:35:40 GMT -5
Same here @workingonit. From age 28 I have successively taken responsibility for and care of ;my MIL (complex health problems and vascular dementia) for a decade, my dad (terminal cancer) for a year, my mum (grief and bereavement) which is ongoing and my daughter (complex MH issues) for 5 years now. I wouldn’t change a thing as it was my moral duty to do my best for these folks who were/are in my care as they have benefitted greatly from my time, attention and advocacy. All whilst being a single parent in disguise and coping with a disability which leaves me super fatigued. I am exhausted in all ways it is possible to be exhausted. I am also pretty starved of fun, excitement and joy.
These folks all do/did think the world of me, and are thankful for my care. However they seem to see me as a font of support whilst overlooking that I may actually need anything myself. It’s my job to better articulate my own needs and gently put my needs before theirs when it is appropriate to do so. This will be my focus for 2019 in preparation for my new life. Can’t bloody wait.
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catsloveme
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Dwelling in the possible
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Post by catsloveme on Dec 14, 2018 15:48:57 GMT -5
I have not confided in anyone outside of this site. I feel that to do so would be disloyal to H as this would undoubtedly embarrass and emasculate him if he were to know. I guess this reflects the social stereotyping that all men have rampant libidos (oh and all women are seeking to avoid etc etc). I suppose I am also reluctant to advertise that my husband considers me unfuckable. I imagine (but might be wrong) that men in this situation may be viewed differently than us females? Here I am assuming that refusing wives are not an unknown concept in society but refusing husbands seem to be. Perhaps I am wrong. @ isthisit ... "I am also reluctant to advertise that my husband considers me unfuckable." OMG, yes. He will fuck 6 complete strangers at a swingers party, but I have to wait weeks to months for my 10 minutes? How completely humiliating. Yet, he professes he loves me and is very much attracted to me? WTF? Sigh .... The problem isn’t sex for him. It’s intimacy and emotional connection. Fucking complete strangers doesn’t require intimacy and emotional connection—it’s just sex. But making love with your spouse is all about connecting. For some people that level of vulnerability is intolerable, frightening, paralyzing, too risky, etc. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 17:27:20 GMT -5
@ isthisit ... "I am also reluctant to advertise that my husband considers me unfuckable." OMG, yes. He will fuck 6 complete strangers at a swingers party, but I have to wait weeks to months for my 10 minutes? How completely humiliating. Yet, he professes he loves me and is very much attracted to me? WTF? Sigh .... The problem isn’t sex for him. It’s intimacy and emotional connection. Fucking complete strangers doesn’t require intimacy and emotional connection—it’s just sex. But making love with your spouse is all about connecting. For some people that level of vulnerability is intolerable, frightening, paralyzing, too risky, etc. You may very well be right about that, but if he continues to refuse to address the issue, all he will have to worry about is emotionless fucking of strangers cuz he will be wifeless. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Dec 14, 2018 19:16:23 GMT -5
I have 4 trusted confidants (2 female and 2 male friends) who know. They are all part of my swinger circle and for various reasons I felt I could trust them with my "secret". ALL were shocked and in complete disbelief as they all know my husband, too. And again ... swinging and sexless marriages hardly typically go together. All have been supportive and are helping me process my feelings on staying or leaving my marriage. As with this group, I'm forever grateful to them. That is completely fucked up. It infuriates me that he will swing but not fuck his wife, let alone have sex with, the one person he's supposed to be intimate with. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 20:41:15 GMT -5
I have 4 trusted confidants (2 female and 2 male friends) who know. They are all part of my swinger circle and for various reasons I felt I could trust them with my "secret". ALL were shocked and in complete disbelief as they all know my husband, too. And again ... swinging and sexless marriages hardly typically go together. All have been supportive and are helping me process my feelings on staying or leaving my marriage. As with this group, I'm forever grateful to them. That is completely fucked up. It infuriates me that he will swing but not fuck his wife, let alone have sex with, the one person he's supposed to be intimate with. I agree. But it isn't going to be my problem anymore. It ended tonight. He humiliated me for the last time. He's making plans to find somewhere else to live and I've been told to draw up divorce papers. So be it. I've been. fool to hang on as long as I did. |
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Post by Handy on Dec 14, 2018 20:57:42 GMT -5
WOW, that was quick! But maybe not because up until now there has been a stand-off. Now you know where you are headed.
Is there any chance your soon to be X husband has someone he is going to hook up with. I only ask because he was so quick to tell you to draw up the divorce papers, but then again i suppose you two where this ready to divorce before today.
For many guys, having someone to g0 to makes the separation easier.
edit I haven't been on ILIASM that long but to decide to divorce with about 60 posts might be a record for this website. So many sexless or marriages missing some other major component often go on for 5, 10, or more years.
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Post by baza on Dec 14, 2018 21:03:29 GMT -5
Given this development, be on your lawyers doorstep first thing Sister @whynotm3 (and for newbies, this is a good lesson as to why you need to consult a lawyer nice and early on in proceedings so you know your rights and obligations)
Don't underestimate how difficult this is likely to get Sister @whynotm3 . It will really test your resolve. Particularly if he has a rethink, and chooses to try and apply the handbrake and return things to the status quo.
Good luck, keep plugged in here as there are plenty of people who have been through the situation you are now just entering.
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