eeman
New Member
Posts: 7
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Post by eeman on Jun 5, 2019 0:22:07 GMT -5
New here. Lurking for over a year. Made peace with SM. A little background, 25+ year marriage. First year was maybe once a month. Ever since then, less. Have been without a full year 7 different times. Well, 8 I suppose, it has been 18 months since last time. I really don't want to get back on the rollercoaster again. I'm done hoping it will improve, it won't. I can't handle the reset and then trying to deal with the next 12 months of abstinence.
Now my question, W seems to be gearing up to initiating(it happens every few years). I've been here before. It will be once this month and once next month and then no more for about a year. I just want to keep the peace. What is the best way to refuse without the fireworks? In other words, how do I say no, and her say ok, and we leave it at that for another year or two?
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Post by Handy on Jun 5, 2019 0:54:36 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum. I might not have a good answer but here is my answer. Tell your W that for you to be sexual with her it needs to be happen once a week or how ever often would work for you OR you just feel better going without because it is causing you to much heartache to have sex once every year or two.
Also say what you really need to be in the marriage more requires __________________ (fill in the blank) and without that you need to be emotionally distant for self preservation. Then repeat what would work for you regarding other parts of a good relationship. Include other relationship activities that do not include anything related to having sex. Some men got the sex they wanted frequency wise but it was devoid of an emotional connection on the wife's part, which didn't work the husband. We often talk about sex but what most men and women want is an emotional and sexual connection among other things. Talk about what it might take to be a team together.
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Post by baza on Jun 5, 2019 2:08:37 GMT -5
Well Brother eeman , any excuse is as good as another. So you could give her a presentation on the subject of marital sex complete with Power Point display, charts and pie graphs and make a compelling case as to why you don't want re-set sex. Or just come up with a bullshit excuse at the time - "Sorry, I have bubonic plague" The latter method might provoke a fight, but as long as it's a good enough fight, and you offend her sufficiently, her desire for a root will rapidly dissipate.
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eeman
New Member
Posts: 7
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Post by eeman on Jun 5, 2019 2:18:11 GMT -5
Thanks for the response. We have had that conversation many times. I don't believe she is emotionally willing to meet a weekly or even once a month quantity of intimacy. I have 25+ years of consistency to show that. I'm checked out of the physical portion of our marriage anyway. Being a better roommate to her is really the goal. I won't shy away from a clash here if it happens. It won't be the first time I've been yelled at or cursed out or whatever. I guess the best way is to use this approach and just fill in the blank with distance and boundaries. Thanks again for the response.
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eeman
New Member
Posts: 7
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Post by eeman on Jun 5, 2019 2:28:37 GMT -5
Thanks baza. Your posts and insights throughout the forum have been enormously helpful. I certainly don't mind offending her to that point, and I will if it comes to that. I'd rather just kind of get along at this point. She has stated before she wants a divorce. I've told her how to go about it. It is her move on that path. For me, I'd rather limp along till it all ends. I'm too old to give a damn and try and fix this life. I've screwed it up enough.
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Post by baza on Jun 5, 2019 2:35:25 GMT -5
Thanks baza. Your posts and insights throughout the forum have been enormously helpful. I certainly don't mind offending her to that point, and I will if it comes to that. I'd rather just kind of get along at this point. She has stated before she wants a divorce. I've told her how to go about it. It is her move on that path. For me, I'd rather limp along till it all ends. I'm too old to give a damn and try and fix this life. I've screw it up enough. It was a bit of a smart-arse suggestion by me Brother eeman . On a more serious note, maybe you could think back to plenty of incidents where your missus successfully rebuffed your approaches in the past, pick a couple out and re-cycle them if the issue comes up.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 5, 2019 6:10:57 GMT -5
I suggest you justify it to her using the same or similar wording in your introductory post. Just explain to her that having sex with her and then going through an extended period of months or years of no intimacy is just too painful and upsetting for you. Be specific as to preferring that the relationship remain platonic and that you feel it would be better if the 2 of you continue as companions or roommates.
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Post by Handy on Jun 5, 2019 11:36:52 GMT -5
worksforme2's suggestion sounds perfect to me.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 5, 2019 18:20:07 GMT -5
Bballgirl’s no fireworks excuse: Not tonight honey I’m not feeling well... my back hurts, my knee hurts, I feel nauseous, etc.
Bballgirl’s fireworks answer: Yeah I don’t see that happening for us ever again, my cock is no longer interested in you or your breadcrumbs of a sex life.
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Post by csl on Jun 6, 2019 15:09:16 GMT -5
This brings out the Librarian in me, so might I suggest a literary response?
"Quoth the raven, 'Nevermore'."
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Post by saarinista on Jun 7, 2019 17:51:26 GMT -5
Thanks baza. Your posts and insights throughout the forum have been enormously helpful. I certainly don't mind offending her to that point, and I will if it comes to that. I'd rather just kind of get along at this point. She has stated before she wants a divorce. I've told her how to go about it. It is her move on that path. For me, I'd rather limp along till it all ends. I'm too old to give a damn and try and fix this life. I've screwed it up enough. I'm sorry you're feeling defeated. I have those moments myself. You're not alone.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 7, 2019 17:53:01 GMT -5
This brings out the Librarian in me, so might I suggest a literary response? "Quoth the raven, 'Nevermore'." LOL I suggest adding a screech at the end of your sentence for added emphasis!
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eeman
New Member
Posts: 7
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Post by eeman on Jun 7, 2019 22:54:52 GMT -5
It is interesting how the ups and downs of emotions settle down to a steady state when you finally give up the hope of things getting better. I reached over and touched her hand today while driving. She looked at my hand and pulled away as soon as I gave her the opportunity. I laughed a bit and I was suddenly in a good mood. I've never really been a controlling person, but I find it kind of funny I can make her squirm like that. From a single touch to the hand: not holding her hand, just touching her hand. Kind of funny I think.
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eeman
New Member
Posts: 7
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Post by eeman on Jun 27, 2019 1:49:20 GMT -5
So it seems my wife has been working on her own exit plan. She was nice enough to give me her time frame. 11 months. The end is in sight. I am willing to stick it out, but it isn't going to be. Time to develop my own plan as well. I'll start at an attorney's office.
She said she is satisfied that she tried everything possible to make things work. I nearly laughed out loud. 25+ years of a SM. Last 18 months completely sex free. Not even a kiss.
So, where to post next? Can't be "Choosing to Stay". The choice has been made for me. Opinions?
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Post by baza on Jun 27, 2019 2:53:44 GMT -5
That - the spouse having their own exit strategy in play - is not as unusual in an ILIASM situation as you might think. And makes the point that for any married person, an exit strategy for if you suddenly find yourself single, is a must. Because one way or another, your marriage is going to end. Divorce or death see to that. Anyway Brother eeman , your plan to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and get the facts is a good idea. Where to update as things unfold ? Probably the general run of "Sexless Marriage Issues" might be the place.
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