grower
Junior Member
Posts: 79 
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Post by grower on Oct 28, 2019 7:43:01 GMT -5
Hi all, I am like many who with a kid wants to maintain some sort of family
home and stability until he is out of school. As a child of a divorce, I
have first hand experience on the kind of trouble a child can get into when
you play the parents off against each other and have time on there hands.
Second I believe that my W who I will say is a toxic person might do everything
in her power to make my life a living hell, which until my son is out of
school is not something I want to put him through.
This camel will just have to plod along his sexless path. Pretty much sucks,
but I see the light at the end and then maybe then, I can find someone with
similar needs and desires. My glass is half full.
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Post by carl on Oct 28, 2019 15:18:49 GMT -5
It would take meeting another women for me to leave. I wouldn’t feel right on my own in the long run so would want to know who I was going to be with before I left.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 28, 2019 17:41:30 GMT -5
Hi all, I am like many who with a kid wants to maintain some sort of family home and stability until he is out of school. As a child of a divorce, I have first hand experience on the kind of trouble a child can get into when you play the parents off against each other and have time on there hands. Second I believe that my W who I will say is a toxic person might do everything in her power to make my life a living hell, which until my son is out of school is not something I want to put him through. This camel will just have to plod along his sexless path. Pretty much sucks, but I see the light at the end and then maybe then, I can find someone with similar needs and desires. My glass is half full. Is your wife the primary caregiver to your son? How old is he? Are you comfortable having a toxic person such as your wife being the dominant influence in your sons life? |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 28, 2019 17:44:40 GMT -5
It would take meeting another women for me to leave. I wouldn’t feel right on my own in the long run so would want to know who I was going to be with before I left. Are you referring to outsourcing first with someone before leaving? baza are there any stats you've compiled about long term prospects with an outsourcing partner? My gut tells me that the majority of them are not stable over the long haul. There are, of course, exceptions 😉 |
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 28, 2019 20:44:48 GMT -5
Pretty much sucks, but I see the light at the end and then maybe then, I can find someone with similar needs and desires. My glass is half full. When you meet someone with similar needs and desires, she will meet a man who is married and unhappy |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 28, 2019 20:52:26 GMT -5
Grower: why is being married to your refuser better than being single?
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Post by carl on Oct 28, 2019 22:48:50 GMT -5
It would take meeting another women for me to leave. I wouldn’t feel right on my own in the long run so would want to know who I was going to be with before I left. Are you referring to outsourcing first with someone before leaving? baza are there any stats you've compiled about long term prospects with an outsourcing partner? My gut tells me that the majority of them are not stable over the long haul. There are, of course, exceptions 😉 No, I wouldn’t outsource before leaving but I would need to know there was somebody that would have me when I did leave. |
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Post by baza on Oct 28, 2019 23:49:18 GMT -5
shamwow In these cases where the horse gets put before the cart - ie you start looking for a replacement spouse whilst still in your ILIASM deal, are not instances where there's much information (that I'm aware of) as to their success and/or longevity. But for what it's worth, my gut feel is similar to yours. I am personally of the belief (and this is NOT advice or a suggestion) that there are two entirely separate issues in play here. #1 - is getting out of your ILIASM deal. #2 - is what may happen in your life once you are single again. "If" you want to get out, that choice has to stand on its' own two feet as a stand alone issue. That it would be in your longer term best interests to not be in an ILIASM deal. And by necessity, that means being single for a while, perhaps a long while. And if that doesn't sit well with you (being single for a while) then the leaving option is probably not for you. Further, I think that holding a view that an option exists where you can "get out of your ILIASM deal straight into a really good relationship" in one move is fatally flawed thinking.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 29, 2019 2:57:36 GMT -5
Are you referring to outsourcing first with someone before leaving? baza are there any stats you've compiled about long term prospects with an outsourcing partner? My gut tells me that the majority of them are not stable over the long haul. There are, of course, exceptions 😉 No, I wouldn’t outsource before leaving but I would need to know there was somebody that would have me when I did leave. There is someone out there for you. How you find her, that is up to you. How long it lasts, that is up to both of you. What the relationship is, that is also up to both of you. Nothing in life is certain but taxes, death, and the unforeseen. Do you want to die with what you have, or do you want to pursue a better happiness? Ask yourself that regularly, and answer it honestly to yourself. |
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grower
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by grower on Oct 29, 2019 7:43:43 GMT -5
Grower: why is being married to your refuser better than being single? For me single would be better, but I have a son half way through high school who I would like to get off to college. My situation being sex and loveless, while crappy is somewhat stable and not confrontational for the most part. Getting my son who is a good student and dedicated musician off to a good start is my primary objective and while I desire better for myself, I don't what to upset the status quo. |
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 29, 2019 7:49:55 GMT -5
Grower: why is being married to your refuser better than being single? For me single would be better, but I have a son half way through high school who I would like to get off to college. My situation being sex and loveless, while crappy is somewhat stable and not confrontational for the most part. Getting my son who is a good student and dedicated musician off to a good start is my primary objective and while I desire better for myself, I don't what to upset the status quo. I was trying to hold my situation together until my kids graduated, too. Once I understood the hopelessness of my situation, I had no intent of doing that in forced celibacy, though, and my stbx at the time had no intention of staying married. As Baza noted, an affair will add unpredictability to the situation. |
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grower
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by grower on Oct 29, 2019 7:54:05 GMT -5
Hi all, I am like many who with a kid wants to maintain some sort of family home and stability until he is out of school. As a child of a divorce, I have first hand experience on the kind of trouble a child can get into when you play the parents off against each other and have time on there hands. Second I believe that my W who I will say is a toxic person might do everything in her power to make my life a living hell, which until my son is out of school is not something I want to put him through. This camel will just have to plod along his sexless path. Pretty much sucks, but I see the light at the end and then maybe then, I can find someone with similar needs and desires. My glass is half full. Is your wife the primary caregiver to your son? How old is he? Are you comfortable having a toxic person such as your wife being the dominant influence in your sons life? I would say that I am the primary caregiver of a 15 going on 16 year old boy, who is a good solid kid. You don't get to pick your parents and I believe that continuing in a sexless marriage allows me the maximum control of his situation. Resolving my personal frustration and unhappiness will have to be lower on the priority list |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 29, 2019 8:08:05 GMT -5
Are you referring to outsourcing first with someone before leaving? baza are there any stats you've compiled about long term prospects with an outsourcing partner? My gut tells me that the majority of them are not stable over the long haul. There are, of course, exceptions 😉 No, I wouldn’t outsource before leaving but I would need to know there was somebody that would have me when I did leave. Read any of the ladies here post about the post-divorce dating world. You will find there is a shortage of men who don't lead with a dick pick and ghost them after getting in their pants. Avoid just those two things and you're likely in the top half of the pack. When I told my ex I was divorcing her, I didn't expect to find someone right away. But the decision to leave does have to stand on its own. If you understand you may be alone for a while, it gives you the freedom to get your shit together. Having your own shit together propels you into the upper tier of guys in the dating pool. It was about six months between when I told my ex I was done and when I got out. During that time I got my shit together (a process that continues to this day). I happened to find someone quickly. But there are no guarantees. But the odds of anything changing for the better on its own are negligible. If you get your shit together, you are in a better place no matter what else happens. Good luck! |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 29, 2019 8:11:25 GMT -5
Is your wife the primary caregiver to your son? How old is he? Are you comfortable having a toxic person such as your wife being the dominant influence in your sons life? I would say that I am the primary caregiver of a 15 going on 16 year old boy, who is a good solid kid. You don't get to pick your parents and I believe that continuing in a sexless marriage allows me the maximum control of his situation. Resolving my personal frustration and unhappiness will have to be lower on the priority list Fair enough. You have owned your choice. Just be aware that your frustration and unhappiness is likely not as well concealed as you think. To your son, a frustrated and unhappy marriage will be what he considers "normal". He will be much more likely to take that model and apply it to his own life. Today my son (15 going on 16) sees his dad happy with a loving woman. He gets to see what a healthy relationship looks like, and hopefully this is the bar he demands when looking for a woman of his own. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 30, 2019 8:50:46 GMT -5
Are you referring to outsourcing first with someone before leaving? baza are there any stats you've compiled about long term prospects with an outsourcing partner? My gut tells me that the majority of them are not stable over the long haul. There are, of course, exceptions 😉 No, I wouldn’t outsource before leaving but I would need to know there was somebody that would have me when I did leave. Does somebody have you now, carl? |
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