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Post by angeleyes65 on Jan 18, 2020 9:52:22 GMT -5
fish Welcome. And your situation sounds soul draining at best. As far as age I left at 52 had never lived on my own. And it is so much better. Also as far as the kids. I'm sure you wouldn't want them getting into or staying in an abusive marriage or a loveless marriage and that's what you have been modeling for them. Financial I can't really speak to much but see a lawyer not sure what the situation is where you live but if the kids are in school and you do 50/50 custody I wouldn't think it would be too bad. She would just have to get a job. Also not sure if house is paid for or lots of equity, kids almost grown all that should cut down on financial down falls. Also maybe if you site abuse she may not get alimony but again I'm not real knowledgeable in the legal department. Best of luck to you!
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 18, 2020 10:10:21 GMT -5
Seeing an attorney is an excellent start. When I was prepping for a separation/ divorce I 1st saw a couple of attorneys. I learned divorce would not be catastrophic for me and so I went into the discussions with my then W armed with the knowledge of how I probably would come out of it. This helped enable me to be generous toward her as we talked separation. We were able to pretty much settle everything ourselves and only needed an attorney to walk the paperwork through the court process. We were able to part on friendly terms and we remain friends. I say this because divorce doesn't have to be a war. If both of you can put aside the animosity and take into consideration what's best for both of you and the kids then the outcome can be positive, something that was lacking in the marriage. Good luck
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Post by workingonit on Jan 18, 2020 23:21:07 GMT -5
I have nothing to add but wanted to welcome you. Keep posting. Keep sharing. This will likely not be a smooth or linear process so come for whatever support you need.
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fish
Junior Member
Posts: 29 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by fish on May 10, 2020 14:47:10 GMT -5
I'm still married. Bottled out a bit and let things bubble on. Frightened to do anything, and hoping for a miracle.
We had a little 'chat' after a bit of a blow up earlier this week. Didn't last long as ever wife got very angry quickly, I can't actually work out what point she is trying to make and get very confused which makes her even more angry.
Very odd conversation again....
I brought up the sex issue. Been well over a year now since we last had sex (and basically I have lost all desire for her although of course I didn't say that), and 16 years since she lost interest. Her usual answer to this is that I am thinking about the past which is irrelevant. Trying to argue otherwise is impossible.
I pushed a bit and she got more angry stating that it was because she was depressed and it's my fault because I did nothing about it. Except I had to push her to go to the doctor, she was given antidepressants which she refused to take, I then paid a fortune for her to see a counsellor for all the good it did her. I spent hours talking to her and trying to be understanding and eventually gave up because I just got blamed. She wasn't depressed for 16 years!
She also said that sex was always painful. Not something she has ever shared with me before which is interesting, I would have thought that would be a big issue that you should discuss with your partner.
She is always unwell and gets no exercise, I suggested we should start running together again. Oh no... whenever I go running it reminds her of the affair I had (mentioned in my first post I think, which was 2 years ago, nothing physical happened and it lasted 1 week, and I owned up to it) because it was with someone from my running club. She obviously still hasn't forgiven me in the slightest and despite telling me to forget 16 years of refusing sex she won't even try to forgive a 1 week indiscretion on my part.
Basically there isn't much hope. We can't even argue constructively.
Over the 16 years of no sex I think I have heard every excuse going. Everything from the usual headaches to tummy pains, too tired, too stressed, the children will hear us, to promises that we will make love the next night. For years I couldn't keep my hands off her, gave her plenty of attention, told her how good she looked, smiled when she was upset, kept cheerful, calmed her down when she was angry with me for nothing. I have supported her and got nothing back.
During our chat she kept saying how much she loves me. I think she loves me in her own way and really believes that she does love me and perhaps I should be grateful for that, and I feel guilty for not being able to reciprocate any more. I don't think she fancies me any more though and hasn't for 16 years. She has repeatedly over the years said that she does still fancy me, I think that her actions speak far louder than her words.
I left the argument feeling very guilty and evil. She has a way of doing that to me.
Oh, and now she has started going to church, doing online study and reading the Bible. She is definitely building the 'very good and innocent' facade to make me look just plain evil. Maybe I'm reading that wrong?
She is still in a foul mood, rolling her eyes at everything I say. Nice.
I'm feeling angry and cheated just in case you can't tell! Good to get it out...
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Post by northstarmom on May 10, 2020 16:17:09 GMT -5
My suggestion is that you get involved in individual therapy. It's possible to do this while in quarantine since therapists are available on-line.
What stood out to me was how you chose to marry a woman who moved in and quit her job shortly after you started dating, and who physically abused you. You said you married her because she wanted children, but given her behavior, that was not the type of woman who'd make a good wife or mother. Until you understand why you chose to settle for so little in a girlfriend, spouse and then mother of your children, even if you leave her, you'll likely settle for another woman who'll treat you badly.
I also wonder given your wife's behavior toward you, how she behaves to the children, who, unlike you, don't have much choice in whether to stay with her. Typically, if a woman treats her spouse so badly, she also treats her children even worse. If that's the case, your children need you, and if you file for divorce, it could be compassionate toward your children to do everything possible to get full custody instead of leaving them with an unstable and abusive mother.
Lack of sex is trivial compared to the other problems in your marriage.
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Post by baza on May 10, 2020 18:17:42 GMT -5
Since January 15th 2020 (your first post) have you - - Seen a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would theoretically shake out for you ? - Within those legal parameters, started constructing a theoretical exit strategy (a plan for your life after ILIASM) ? - Shored up your support network ? - Researched everything you can concerning helping your kids through such an event ? If you haven't, then my suggestion is that you do Brother fish . Your post describes a trainwreck just waiting to happen. You'd do well to take whatever steps you can now, to minimise the collateral damage when impact occurs. |
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fish
Junior Member
Posts: 29
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by fish on May 11, 2020 14:53:54 GMT -5
Sorry, that was a bit of a rant earlier. I feel much calmer now  northstarmom she isn't a bad mum actually. She has always said that our children are more important than our marriage and it shows. I think she is actually a much better mother than I am a father unfortunately which is my one big fault, I don't think she would ever knowingly hurt them. I can absolutely promise myself that I will not go near another woman who has any of the traits my wife has. I can see all the behaviours I purposely chose to ignore when we dated because I so badly wanted a family. I was blind and just unbelievably stupid and ignored what everyone told me. Yes, lack of sex is now a minor problem in comparison to everything else. The thing is that I would almost certainly be quite satisfied if we had maintained a good sex life. baza more of a nuclear winter than a trainwreck really. And yes, I have spent 4 years refining my exit strategy. Yes, developed new friendships, planned the solar powered log cabin I'm going to build on our field, planned finances. No not seen a lawyer. Thanks for the comments and bothering to read my little rant - it helps me sort my thoughts out. |
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Post by saarinista on May 11, 2020 16:38:42 GMT -5
I would be very wary of anyone who put kids ahead of marriage.
Sure, kids are a lifelong responsibility. But the integrity of the marriage should be the center of the family. The love, respect and affection of the spouses toward one another should not only enhance their lives and keep the marriage strong, but should also be an example for the children to emulate one day in their own families.
I firmly believe our culture does everyone a great disservice by in too many cases almost making idols out of children. They are a part of the family, of course, but should not be the center of it. That's my opinion.
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Post by northstarmom on May 11, 2020 17:29:55 GMT -5
"Yes, developed new friendships, planned the solar powered log cabin I'm going to build on our field, planned finances. No not seen a lawyer."
Seeing a lawyer would ensure that your plans are based in reality including financial reality.
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fish
Junior Member
Posts: 29
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by fish on Jun 13, 2020 12:46:28 GMT -5
So... I have booked to speak with a solicitor next week.
It's strange how my wife is now being extremely nice to me. No hint of any sex (not that I would be interested anyway). I'm sure that she subconsciously picks up on my plans, it happened last time I was seriously considering leaving her.
And now lockdown is easing a bit my mother has booked to come and stay with us in a few weeks, and my wife is wanting us to book a holiday net month, which is starting to throw a spanner in the works. Lockdown was a nice break from all of that.
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fish
Junior Member
Posts: 29
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by fish on Jun 17, 2020 14:14:08 GMT -5
Spoke to a solicitor yesterday. Certainly worth the money, and I think I know exactly where I stand now, plenty of options on the financial front so it may not be as bad as I thought. I found her very easy to talk to and helpful so will be using her if I decide to press ahead.
We had an argument yesterday afternoon and she told me that she wanted a divorce, so I thought no time like the present and told her that I also wanted a divorce. Character assassination followed, not the first time we have run through the accusations of being a narcissist, then running over my 'affair', how I have never cared about her, even the children find me embarrassing, the usual stuff which I ignored. No fighting back just nodded and agreed.
She told me that she doesn't want any of my money and she will just move to her mother's. I assured her that if we get divorced she will be getting half of everything. Then she ignored me all day and this morning. I had a morning of feeling guilty, but pulled myself out of it.
So today I sat down and told her that, as she knows, the basic problem is that we haven't had a sex life since I can remember and there is no way I'm going to my grave having been celibate since my 30's. I gave her the option of divorce or she come up with a plan obviously not involving herself as we are never going to have sex again. She sort of nodded and something registered. Without saying that the only other option was an open marriage I think it was understood. Not sure an open marriage would actually work, but it is the only other option.
I don't think she thinks that I am serious about divorce because I have always backed down in the past. I am very serious (I think).
I don't want to just walk out, especially because of the children, so I think it's going to be a slow process, and I want to feel that I have given her every chance. I don't hate her in fact we had a nice afternoon I taught her how to stretch a pizza, which makes it even more difficult. I would rather we parted as friends.
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Post by Handy on Jun 17, 2020 17:26:08 GMT -5
Fish, lots of people talk about the "Open Marriage" option. It works for women but I don't think it works for most men. Most men are expected to fund an affair partner activities. Unless you have an extra amount of money, any money you spend on an open marriage will be subject to more arguments with your W. Your time with a FWB wilkl also be subject to arguments with your W. That is just my take on how things play out.
On the plus side it is good you talked with a solicitor. You now have a better understanding of how things will play out if you go through with the divorce.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 17, 2020 21:18:23 GMT -5
Proud of you, fish! Glad you talked to the lawyer and your wife. I firmly believe divorce need not equal hatred and anger. There's no reason two mature divorced people can't be friends. Sadly, not every refuser is mature, but there's no reason we can't shoot for friendly divorces. |
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Post by saarinista on Jun 17, 2020 21:25:46 GMT -5
Fish, lots of people talk about the "Open Marriage" option. It works for women but I don't think it works for most men. Most men are expected to fund an affair partner activities. Unless you have an extra amount of money, any money you spend on an open marriage will be subject to more arguments with your W. Your time with a FWB wilkl also be subject to arguments with your W. That is just my take on how things play out.
On the plus side it is good you talked with a solicitor. You now have a better understanding of how things will play out if you go through with the divorce.
I think these are important points. Personally, I think extramarital activities should be self-funded: I don't expect a free ride as a woman-but even paying one's own way can raise eyebrows and create problems. The time relationships take is the biggest problem, though. At some point, most of us have to decide whether we are into a marriage or out of it, because there's only so much time to go around. |
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Post by Handy on Jun 17, 2020 22:02:49 GMT -5
For a while, I was reading an "affair" forum and noted any comments about funding an affair.
Women mostly talked about spending money for clothing, hair care, and sometimes paying for some things to eat.
Men OTH talked about paying for h/motel rooms, nice dinners and a gift for the lady. One guy was spending $500 a month when seeing his affair partner every week.
Fish, like it has been said, "There is no romance without finance."
The best story I read was a W didn't like sex with her H but she was bi, so the W invited the H affair partner to live with them. The H had sex with the GF, the W had sex with the GF and everyone was happy.
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