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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 8, 2020 19:25:41 GMT -5
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Post by sadkat on Dec 8, 2020 22:32:51 GMT -5
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Post by Handy on Dec 8, 2020 22:54:51 GMT -5
During the honeymoon period, we were having sex at least four times a day, every day, and then suddenly it all just stopped.
Four times a day? How long was the honeymoon period? The first couple of years or just a week or two?
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Post by baza on Dec 8, 2020 23:30:57 GMT -5
It's another good article you've found Brother greatcoastal . There is an aspect of this article that isn't really explored. She says she was angry at him (understandably) and angry with herself (also understandably) and I get the read that all in all she was (or turned in to) some angry chick. I personally reckon that anger is right up there with other destructive things that can and do bring relationships to their knees. Not blaming her (or him) for how it panned out for them, but I'm betting that the anger didn't help any.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 9, 2020 7:19:17 GMT -5
During the honeymoon period, we were having sex at least four times a day, every day, and then suddenly it all just stopped. Four times a day? How long was the honeymoon period? The first couple of years or just a week or two? The author did lay out a timeline, stating that the 1st year and a half (of their 5 years together) was good sex, then came the 3 years of having sex only 8 times. Is the honeymoon period the 1st year and a half? Or was it a week of an actual honeymoon after the wedding? Does it really matter? The complete, cold, zero turn off, shut down, is the heart of the matter.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 9, 2020 7:28:37 GMT -5
It's another good article you've found Brother greatcoastal . There is an aspect of this article that isn't really explored. She says she was angry at him (understandably) and angry with herself (also understandably) and I get the read that all in all she was (or turned in to) some angry chick. I personally reckon that anger is right up there with other destructive things that can and do bring relationships to their knees. Not blaming her (or him) for how it panned out for them, but I'm betting that the anger didn't help any. I'd like to RESPECTFULLY disagree, by giving anger a different perspective. Anger can easily lead to action. Anger can be a positive reaction, when used wisely. For someone who is very passive or codependent, anger is what it takes to force them to finally start taking action towards self improvement.
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Post by jerri on Dec 9, 2020 7:48:42 GMT -5
When you're going through sexless you know exactly how many times you have had sex! But I knew the healing had begun when I no longer remembered how many times we had sex in the last ten years, didn't care and finally didn't feel guilty for leaving him at home while I got sex and intimacy!
If I would have left my H my friends and family would have been devastated as well. I was going to get sex and he could stay or leave. But I believe either way I would have been lost if either one of us left. For a while l definitely was trying to sabotage the marrige. I caught myself and tried to make the best of what I had done. But the deal was - I wasn't going to let go of my new beau until I was having sex in the marrige on a regular basis. My sweet husband turned very mean and it took all I had to stay nice, loving, and feed the marrige. Because I loved him,but I knew he wouldn't follow through.
The honeymoon phase/new relationship energy did matter to me because it explained why it diminished gradually. Of course one can not have that oxytocin high forever, but the semen has oxytocin. I am sure that was part of the bonding chemistry that I was missing to a degree.
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Post by Handy on Dec 9, 2020 13:48:12 GMT -5
Greatcoastal my comment about having sex 4 times a day was, yes it does happen, especially on the several day honeymoon. I never heard it (sex 4X a day) lasting several years. My age group of men was told women didn't like sex all that often so I never expected sex more than a couple times a week. I do remember having sex 3X a day for a couple of days while on our honeymoon
I know the no sex thing is a major problem for most ILIASM posters.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 11, 2020 2:21:29 GMT -5
Well, they had great sex then it all dried up. That Oxytocin love hormone is expected to stick around for a maximum of three years. Sometimes love can grow forever, and sometimes love decays and rots. In my case, I can forgive my ex for falling out of love for me, but it's an entirely different situation for her not being honest about it. bigmatrimonial.com/love-hormone/
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Post by jerri on Dec 11, 2020 2:45:05 GMT -5
Well, they had great sex then it all dried up. That Oxytocin love hormone is expected to stick around for a maximum of three years. Sometimes love can grow forever, and sometimes love decays and rots. In my case, I can forgive my ex for falling out of love for me, but it's an entirely different situation for her not being honest about it. bigmatrimonial.com/love-hormone/ignorance on their part. What do they think is going to happen 1-3 years in their next R? The oxytocin high is gone so it must be us. lol
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 11, 2020 3:16:03 GMT -5
Well, they had great sex then it all dried up. That Oxytocin love hormone is expected to stick around for a maximum of three years. Sometimes love can grow forever, and sometimes love decays and rots. In my case, I can forgive my ex for falling out of love for me, but it's an entirely different situation for her not being honest about it. bigmatrimonial.com/love-hormone/ignorance on their part. What do they think is going to happen 1-3 years in their next R? The oxytocin high is gone so it must be us. lol Right. It's definitely my fault in her eyes. Given my estrangement from the kids, I am pretty sure every problem in her life is my fault, as far as her story goes. Everyone needs a villain in their life, and I fill that role nicely in her story. Twenty-three years faithful in thought and deed, providing for all her needs, and now I am the bad guy. I'm sure she thinks sex stopped because of something I did. Oooookayyyyyy...
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Post by lessingham on Dec 11, 2020 4:55:37 GMT -5
I agree anger without action is corrosive. I find when I get really angry and do not act then the anger collapses into self loathing and humiliation. During the bad times it led to self harm. Acting on it means saying "I am really angry with you and I want to do this to sort it out"
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Post by warmways on Dec 20, 2020 22:41:47 GMT -5
Thanks for this article greatcoastal, I feel her pain and am just glad she’s out and in a fulfilling relationship. It gives me hope! I can really relate to pretty much everything she talks about.
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Post by curious81 on Dec 21, 2020 2:17:30 GMT -5
That’s a brilliant article. My husband and I had great sex for 8 years. She sum’s up exactly how I feel. I don’t feel attractive anymore (when we were having sex I did), and I’m stopped looking after myself how I used to.
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 21, 2020 5:14:00 GMT -5
I agree anger without action is corrosive. I find when I get really angry and do not act then the anger collapses into self loathing and humiliation. During the bad times it led to self harm. Acting on it means saying "I am really angry with you and I want to do this to sort it out" Self loathing and humiliation might lead to feeling as though you don't deserve treatment that doesn't get you angry. Vicious cycle. Such feelings may present outwardly as someone receptive to poor treatment. Perhaps an objective assessment of your worth may be of value to those you become angry with. Win win. Sorry about the self-harm issue. You use past tense. You escaped? Not an easy thing. Congrats. Ever visited TheMighty.com?
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