coffeeachiever
New Member
58 month dry spell broken in December 2021 and back to great relationship
Posts: 18
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Post by coffeeachiever on Sept 28, 2021 14:00:15 GMT -5
Hi. This is a big deal for me, I was NEVER going to share this frustration but I don't feel like I can take it anymore. I love my wife, I have been with her for 13 years this November. I "ran into her" as an old friend and the best friend of an old girlfriend during a divorce after my first wife cheated. It felt like we were meant for each other...sort of still does but getting more difficult to find peace in that. In short, we have been together ONCE in the past 4.5 years (February 2017 began the "dry spell" and we were together on the night of a Buckeyes game in 2019). I THOUGHT we had a good thing and she SEEMED to be happy with it and I definitely was. She was diagnosed with CML January 2017, went on the chemo pills for it and we were done with sex. Not 100% sure that Tasigna is to blame but the correlation is pretty damn strong. I am ALWAYS attracted to her - nearly 100% of the time, except when the resentment kicks in. She is unhappy with herself because of weight gain...which occurred over time BEFORE the CML was diagnosed. She tells me she loves me...and seems to mean it...we say it every day. But...even the brief hugs or peck kisses seem to be all she wants...and often it seems like she doesn't even have time for the long affectionate hugs she got me so addicted to when we were dating. I don't want somebody else. I've brought it up trying to understand, but in those conversations, I've heard "it's embarrassing" then next time " I can't explain it", and other non-answers. I don't pressure for sex - I don't want it if she doesn't want me - what's the point if it's not completely mutual? She has the job that pays our bills - I left mine when I moved 9hrs away to marry her and never got back on my feet. It works because we have 2 kids and I'm here for them all the time. But NOW...she is even losing weight...both of us are getting in shape. She looks EVEN better and I CAN'T STAND IT! I feel like I'm attractive enough and she tells me I am and even gooses me once in a while and loves it when I shriek -but WTF is THAT?  It only kills my spirit when I know for a certainty that it isn't going ANYWHERE!!!! I make it clear that I want her….but I also make jokes that I KNOW will be taken as jokes because I HAVE no expectation. When we watch a show, like we did just before I wrote this - and the characters are in love and getting frisky - it just makes me sad and withdrawn. I talk to myself...sort of muttering sometimes...when I leave the room she's in and I'm full of frustration. I yell if she is not in the house (when the kids are in school). I have no interest in anything outside the marriage, but I AM desperate to be wanted and desired by my own wife. She is THE love of my life, but this situation is apparently not important enough to talk about and there is NO END in sight. If her feelings change when she reaches her "target weight"....I will be PISSED if that makes her want me again - mainly because even talking about the “why” - much less the intimacy itself - shouldn’t be based on a target weight. I’m here now and so is she. This is killing me. I just need to vent to strangers I think. There isn't anyone I care to tell among my closest friends - because I'm trying to respect my wife's apparent wishes to simply NOT address it. This is all I got. |
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Post by baza on Sept 28, 2021 20:05:04 GMT -5
In an overall sense Brother coffeeachiever , I don't think that "bottling it up" is much of a strategy. That - bottling it up - tends to drive up ones resentment levels, and resentment is a pretty sure fire way of driving a relation into the ditch. My suggestion is that you confide in someone about your situation, to a roomful of strangers (like here) or better still with a trusted friend. And/or a professional like a counsellor, mentor, therapist. Get it out in the open, and shine a light on it. |
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coffeeachiever
New Member
58 month dry spell broken in December 2021 and back to great relationship
Posts: 18
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Post by coffeeachiever on Sept 28, 2021 20:16:50 GMT -5
What would happen if you accept that she is not capable of loving you in the way you desire? Statistics would have your back. Would you take her as she is or leave? Conditional love often fails. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) Like I said…I’m not interested in something else. I’m just here trying to connect, relate and deal with it. I already have a solid conviction in a future that provides a solution for all these things - but I need help now to keep myself “good” and patient. That’s why I joined this forum. I don’t believe in conditional love. I think you fall in love with whoever you fall in love with - but there ARE conditions on whether you can or should commit to a life with that person. We’ve already taken the vows that expressed to everyone and God that we will get through these things. She just won’t tell me what the problem is. Maybe it’s me. I’m trying to change things and see what happens. Less coffee (because it’s my one vice and a sacrifice) and more support in general because she’s a hard worker. But…it COULD be a physiological cause and not being able to get that info from her just compounds the problem. Do you see where I’m at? Thanks for your reply! |
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coffeeachiever
New Member
58 month dry spell broken in December 2021 and back to great relationship
Posts: 18
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Post by coffeeachiever on Sept 28, 2021 20:30:21 GMT -5
In an overall sense Brother coffeeachiever , I don't think that "bottling it up" is much of a strategy. That - bottling it up - tends to drive up ones resentment levels, and resentment is a pretty sure fire way of driving a relation into the ditch. My suggestion is that you confide in someone about your situation, to a roomful of strangers (like here) or better still with a trusted friend. And/or a professional like a counsellor, mentor, therapist. Get it out in the open, and shine a light on it. Like I said- I won’t be telling anyone who knows her… unless she changes and opens up to that. It is clear that you and others like Padgemi give this situation serious deep thought and that - even if your religious convictions or outlook on life in general are different than mine - I can get some good support here. Maybe I can provide some too later on. I did recently tell her I felt like I needed to see a counselor to deal with my frustration (in our “semi-annual” conversation about it). She didn’t really express an opinion on that. And yet - we go on every day talking about everything else in life - great conversations. A hug or two during the day. Sometimes the the desire I feel for her subsides. I need that to be permanent thing so I can just move forward with her. |
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onempty
Junior Member
I'm almost free...
Posts: 60
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by onempty on Sept 29, 2021 16:20:33 GMT -5
How much have you talked about it? What does she say? Our situations sound familiar but after many years of living in a SM my wife has suddenly been giving me sex 1-2 times a week although I have no idea why. In my case I think a big part is 2 of the 3 kids are out of the house and the third a HS senior and often gone.
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Post by Handy on Sept 29, 2021 16:56:27 GMT -5
Onempty, sex 1-2 times a week sounds wonderful. You Lucky dog, WTG! And good for her too.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 30, 2021 0:27:23 GMT -5
Welcome, coffeeachiever. My advice is, don't stuff it. I hope this is all medical related and getting better. Maybe it resolves itself and you return to a healthy sex life. But, whether it does or not, you need to get your frustrations out before they explode. At minimum, get a journal and write down your thoughts. IMO this place works as a journal, also, but with feedback from people that have gone through something similar. |
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coffeeachiever
New Member
58 month dry spell broken in December 2021 and back to great relationship
Posts: 18
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Post by coffeeachiever on Sept 30, 2021 13:53:04 GMT -5
OnEmpty - first, thanks for asking. I think I mentioned it’s about twice a year that I can get her to even stop and talk about this. However, she doesn’t really say anything that helps. She just says she can’t explain it and one time she said it’s embarrassing. I’ve said all the things a husband needs to say to let her know I just want to be there for her but it’s a lot harder if I don’t know what you know….etc. I mean… I’m her husband - so if she can talk to me about EVERYTHING else every day (again, good conversation…it’s just so odd in contrast to this issue) - then why not THIS when it’s clearly causing problems? Last night she hugged me…put her cold hands up my shirt and on my back. It’s a thing she’s done for years. Yesterday we sort of danced against each other back-to-back to a song (I Can See Clearly Now) and THAT left me confused but I went with it in the moment. But clearly not interested in anything else. Keeps the kisses at a distance, any hugs I initiate are generally short. Even this morning I came up behind her while we were getting the kids’ breakfast ready, put my hands on her shoulders and kissed her shoulders and neck a few times and said I love you. She was looking at her phone and said “I love you too” - but it was not with any emotion. My heart sank. I am soooooo confused and heartbroken and discouraged and mad all at the same time. I’m literally going to go insane for not understanding. Oh wait…and then when I was sort of withdrawing because of the lack of emotion I’m getting from her…she noticed and asked “what’s wrong? Are you up set with me?” AAAARRRGGGHHHHHH! I can’t say “yes” and start that topic NOW….so I say “no I’m not upset with you”. I don’t know if I have a right to be upset with her…because I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG!!!!! Thanks for hearing me. |
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coffeeachiever
New Member
58 month dry spell broken in December 2021 and back to great relationship
Posts: 18
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Post by coffeeachiever on Sept 30, 2021 13:59:36 GMT -5
Welcome, coffeeachiever . My advice is, don't stuff it. I hope this is all medical related and getting better. Maybe it resolves itself and you return to a healthy sex life. But, whether it does or not, you need to get your frustrations out before they explode. At minimum, get a journal and write down your thoughts. IMO this place works as a journal, also, but with feedback from people that have gone through something similar. Thank you ironhamster. Yep - this will be my journal. I don’t want anything on paper in the house. I hate hiding even this from her but I HAVE to work it out somehow or I will lose my mind. I love her…she’s my girl. I just need the help I can get and maybe eventually help her too. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 30, 2021 17:29:13 GMT -5
I am soooooo confused and heartbroken and discouraged and mad all at the same time. I’m literally going to go insane for not understanding. Oh wait…and then when I was sort of withdrawing because of the lack of emotion I’m getting from her…she noticed and asked “what’s wrong? Are you up set with me?” AAAARRRGGGHHHHHH! I can’t say “yes” and start that topic NOW….so I say “no I’m not upset with you”. I don’t know if I have a right to be upset with her…because I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG!!!!! Thanks for hearing me.
"Despair. What you've got there is despair." -- a book no one reads Maybe warn her of consequences: More seriously, you are "sort of withdrawing", you say. To what end? Are you upset with her? Or forlorn? You're frustrated she's not sexual with you. You think she could be and is choosing not to? Or she can't be and you're mad at the universe for the cruel trick? Withdrawing will diminish your affection for/attraction to her? Possibly a valid strategy, but what might be the end results? A common suggestion at ILIASM and more fleshed out at Dad Starting Over is living your life almost as though you're single. This prepares you for being single if that's your fate, but it sometimes makes you a more interesting person to the point where refusing wives get insanely curious about their transforming husbands. The advice is to ensure you do not do these things to elicit a reaction. Pursue life fulfillment for its own sake. Our fixation with our refusers can hollow out our lives and make us, well....dull. Living our own lives for our own sakes more closely resembles the person they initially paired up with. So goes the theory. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 30, 2021 18:06:39 GMT -5
The post above by mirrororchid is pretty well put together. It says a lot in not so many words.
Back when I started to distance myself from the W I began to think in terms of being single again and restarting all the courtship rituals with a new female somewhere. My now X decided she would rather divorce than share me with someone else. And one thing in particular about the above post. Pursuing fulfillment in life should be done for it's own sake, that's good advice.
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Post by baza on Sept 30, 2021 20:05:29 GMT -5
Quoting you here Brother coffeeachiever - "AAAARRRGGGHHHHHH! I can’t say “yes” and start that topic NOW….so I say “no I’m not upset with you”. I don’t know if I have a right to be upset with her…because I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG!!!!!"
This looks like you are *why chasing*. This is where you are desperately trying to find out why your missus doesn't want to fuck you, so that you can fix it. Just about everybody here has gone *why chasing* on that basis - that they will be able to find out why their spouse doesn't want to fuck them, and then fix that why. It is a flawed strategy. 1 - because you are highly unlikely to find the why 2 - because even if you discover the why it is not your problem to fix. You can't fix someone else's why. Some *why chasing* is inevitable in ILIASM situations. But it's best not to make a career out of it. A whole heap of time and resources can be trashed in this useless pursuit. You have the key fact in front of you right now ... your missus doesn't want to engage you sexually. That is the key and relevant fact. *Why* she doesn't want to engage you sexually is a matter over which you have no control whatsoever, and it ain't worth your while to devote time and resources to chasing this over the horizon and back. In an ILIASM situation there are some things you can control, and other things you can't control. It's best to keep your focus on what you can control, and get your focus off things you can't control. |
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coffeeachiever
New Member
58 month dry spell broken in December 2021 and back to great relationship
Posts: 18
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Post by coffeeachiever on Oct 1, 2021 13:05:58 GMT -5
Maybe warn her of consequences: More seriously, you are "sort of withdrawing", you say. To what end? Are you upset with her? Or forlorn? You're frustrated she's not sexual with you. You think she could be and is choosing not to? Or she can't be and you're mad at the universe for the cruel trick? Withdrawing will diminish your affection for/attraction to her? Possibly a valid strategy, but what might be the end results? A common suggestion at ILIASM and more fleshed out at Dad Starting Over is living your life almost as though you're single. This prepares you for being single if that's your fate, but it sometimes makes you a more interesting person to the point where refusing wives get insanely curious about their transforming husbands. The advice is to ensure you do not do these things to elicit a reaction. Pursue life fulfillment for its own sake. Our fixation with our refusers can hollow out our lives and make us, well....dull. Living our own lives for our own sakes more closely resembles the person they initially paired up with. So goes the theory. I AM upset - for her not being willing to help me understand the facts that she DOES know. Like - is it a feeling/emotion that causes this? Is she not attracted to men anymore…or is it just me? Is there a condition of which I am unaware but her doctor IS aware? I’m the freaking husband here and she knows I love her. “Forlorn” - at times. To be expected though right? “Frustrated she’s not sexual with me?” - Well, that is just the surface of the issue. My comment I just made above is the key for me. If I KNEW there was a reason we weren’t having sex for years while I’m still crazy attracted to her, it’d be less difficult to deal with. I would KNOW what to expect / not to expect and move forward with her like the team we are. If she is choosing not to…I need to know that. If she can’t help it for some other reason…I need to know that. I don’t believe in the universe playing cruel tricks / and karma. I believe in God (and of course the devil) and that these things are a result indirectly and/or directly from our own temporary imperfection / condition and the crappy world around us (not a punishment, just an inevitable result for now). That gives me a lot of patience knowing this. But it doesn’t mean I’m impervious to frustration. I know that about myself. I was “withdrawing” that day…but only in the moment after my affection was basically ignored. I was testing the waters of affection and also couldn’t help myself. She noticed my immediate mood dropped…that’s all. I’m generally a happy “well-adjusted” person the rest of the time. Living our own lives for our own sake - I get that. Although, the rest of our marriage is still founded on common goals, worship and great friendship - so it’s super hard to separate me from my family. I do have an interest that I pursue for a few hours each week that identifies me personally, but it also makes her roll her eyes and i often wonder if helped lead her to feeling different about me (timing of my correlates closely to when she started on her CML meds and our subsequent indefinite hiatus. So MOST of the time I’m not dwelling on this. It just gets to be too much at times (I know I’m not alone there) She wants me with her, she pouts sometimes when I leave the room to do something of my own. Just….no intimacy or anything like it. I’ll watch the video you linked. I suspect it’s something I’ve already mentioned to her - something we are both reminded of in our worship - the dangers of not communicating and taking care of each other so that neither is even tempted to stray. Your thoughts on the matter make me think and I appreciate them! |
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coffeeachiever
New Member
58 month dry spell broken in December 2021 and back to great relationship
Posts: 18
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Post by coffeeachiever on Oct 1, 2021 13:12:01 GMT -5
Quoting you here Brother coffeeachiever - "AAAARRRGGGHHHHHH! I can’t say “yes” and start that topic NOW….so I say “no I’m not upset with you”. I don’t know if I have a right to be upset with her…because I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG!!!!!"
This looks like you are *why chasing*. This is where you are desperately trying to find out why your missus doesn't want to fuck you, so that you can fix it. Just about everybody here has gone *why chasing* on that basis - that they will be able to find out why their spouse doesn't want to fuck them, and then fix that why. It is a flawed strategy. 1 - because you are highly unlikely to find the why 2 - because even if you discover the why it is not your problem to fix. You can't fix someone else's why. Some *why chasing* is inevitable in ILIASM situations. But it's best not to make a career out of it. A whole heap of time and resources can be trashed in this useless pursuit. You have the key fact in front of you right now ... your missus doesn't want to engage you sexually. That is the key and relevant fact. *Why* she doesn't want to engage you sexually is a matter over which you have no control whatsoever, and it ain't worth your while to devote time and resources to chasing this over the horizon and back. In an ILIASM situation there are some things you can control, and other things you can't control. It's best to keep your focus on what you can control, and get your focus off things you can't control. Hi Baza. Thanks for your help. However, I already explained some things earlier that you may have overlooked. I came here to relate to deal with the times that it gets to me. I want communication from her so that I can move forward with her…whatever that means for our sex life. YOu seem confident in your #1 and #2 points - but neither is substantiated nor relates to me. Not trying to fix…just dealing and coping here. I appreciate the help, but maybe read my other posts first. I do thank you either way for concern. |
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optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35 
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Post by optima on Oct 1, 2021 13:40:57 GMT -5
I agree with Baza here and hate to do so. What we are saying is that there is no point in chasing “why” just how you feel about it. In my personal experience why was that my wife (also ostensibly religious and spiritual) was having an affair and found our relationship to be platonic after having our children. Either way, I ultimately decided this fact pattern was intolerable and am now going through a divorce I never wanted and which violated my religious and personal belief system. Baza is expressing a view based on years in this forum and as I’ve read through the forum I agree with his conclusion.
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It only kills my spirit when I know for a certainty that it isn't going ANYWHERE!!!! 
