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Post by dallasgia on Dec 2, 2021 17:46:54 GMT -5
It’s been TWO YEARS, TEN MONTHS since the very last sexual encounter I had with the spouse. The sex had dwindled to just about nothing - my entire 40’s but Feb 15, 2019 was THE LAST TIME I will have ever been intimate with him. I didn’t know it at the the time it would be the last but I know it now. The thing is we really weren’t that great of friends anyway. He was always way over dominate - he used to tell me all the time “you are to sensitive” until I wasn’t then I was a “delusional crazy psycho bitch” but currently I am “emasculating”. So, at no discernible point in my marriage was I ever enough. I was always some kind of detestable label of a woman. Currently, Due to circumstances surrounding my mothers near death at the hand of Covid I have been away from home around 80 days. EIGHTY DAYS- maybe if I am generous - 4 phone calls and a hand full of ‘running the household’ directed texts between me and spouse. While hoards of friends watched over me and reached out and sent hourly prayers & encouragement - I received next to nothing from the spouse. He did carry on paying the bills on the empire - so that is with merit. My mom is a miracle and on the road to recovery. If I had even a smidge of desire to return home, I likely could. Alas, I draw out her reported recovery and stay here.
I wish I was the one with a set of balls. I wish I could say “I’m leaving”. I look at the kids and our persona out in our Christian homeschool circles and I stutter - I can’t be the one to pull the plug on this - the one publicly assigned the blame for calling it quits. I also harbor a great deal of guilt as I would be dividing his much loved fortune amassed over the 24 years of this contract if I leave. I feel absolutely stuck. No path out. I concede I was a financially “kept” woman. To the point of handicapping me now. My kids are all now 18 + years old and thriving with beautiful souls and over the top productive lives. Should not that all be enough for me? Should I “take one for the team” and stay put. I know I have whined enough about this here over the years. I, myself, am sick of wallowing in this. “Shit or get off the pot” . Again I say, I wish I was the one with a set of balls. I wish he would leave. I pray, no longer for my marriage as in years past - no, now I pray feverantly that he can find someone with which he can be happy.
Anybody out there with a set of balls I can borrow? Feeling desperate.
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Post by Handy on Dec 2, 2021 19:47:35 GMT -5
dallasgia, it is good to see you posting an up-date. I am relieved that your mother is on the mend.
About having "balls to leave" lots of members are doing what you are doing and in limbo.
I used to be in a religious group at church but I eventually saw the that not all group beliefs were good for people. It took a long time for the beliefs I once had to subside and to be more about individuals without going against basic morals.
I am reminded of some 1950 Catholic members saying, "divorce=never but I could kill him/her." I am certain most of that was emotions at the time but it didn't make sense to me. It was like a guy saying if a girl didn't like him, she couldn't have a different boyfriend. The ownership / possessiveness attitude isn't what works for society. do some thing in your church circle have possessive traits or emphasize there is only one way to do things?
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Post by jim44444 on Dec 2, 2021 19:59:48 GMT -5
Does your Christian community tolerate the emotional abuse your H hands you?
Which will be better in the long term, to wear the bad guy shirt or to allow your humanity to be defiled?
You have tough choices to make with no guarantees. Are you better with him or without him?
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Post by angeleyes65 on Dec 2, 2021 20:43:59 GMT -5
I wish I could lend you a set. I also stayed until my kids were grown. I was a stay at home mom for 11 years. I finally went back to school. Started working and still I stsyed . I made an exit plan worked it and still stayed and one day I just blurted out I was leaving in a fit of anger. I refused to take it back like I had in the past. I.lived through hell from Dec to June when I moved into my own place. It was all worth it. Make an exit plan, work it. Go to counseling for yourself it will help you make the decisions you need to, to be happy.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 2, 2021 22:03:39 GMT -5
You have nothing to lose by consulting with a lawyer. Often such a consultation is free. Keep in mind that the possibility of divorce isn't all up to you. Your husband could surprise you with one so it's a good idea to be prepared and to at least move forward with information about how a divorce would shake out even if you decide not to get one.
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Post by Handy on Dec 2, 2021 22:33:22 GMT -5
dallasgia, , now that you are living with your mother, consider going places that interest you. I would suggest a "meet up group" that has something that you like to do. It is a way to test out new or old interests. You can come and go to a group alone. Before Covid I went to a group that presented mini lectures about sustainable living, past geology, and other scientific off shoots of life. Covid and cancer ruined meeting times for me but it does not have to do for you.
Google a "meet up group" in your area. Maybe there is a belly dancing group. That should be an ice breaker.  Getting out and about might give you some additional confidence to lead to a better life. |
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 3, 2021 8:20:46 GMT -5
dallasgia, my condolences on the recognized death of your marriage, from once a homeschooling parent. I left it all behind. I backed away from our friends so that my STBX could have the support I knew she needed. To date, threeyears later, the number of old homeschooling friends that reached out to me to see how I was faring is precisely zero. The pain and stench of your dead marriage isn't going away until you decide to bury it. I moved out of state, got a new job (actually, four, so far, all upgrades), and new girlfriends, settling on mostly one that I have a happy unique relationship with. There is a world out there full of love waiting for you to find it. As a "kept woman" homeschooling mom, most states will let you clean up in the courts, which will buy you time to rebuild your job skills.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 3, 2021 8:35:08 GMT -5
Oh. About that much loved fortune. While the State of Illinois, where I was married, by law divided the marital property 50/50, I was left with a bit less than 30% to my ex's 70+%, and the financial insults haven't stopped. He can end up a lot worse off than a 50/50 split. Trust me on that, and I can provide my case as proof if you don't.
In all honesty, my ex was a shopper and a hoarder. I have more money in my bank account now with her siphoning off 30% then I did when we were together and she had full access. I've rebuilt what I lost in the divorce. I'm lucky, I guess. Not everybody turns out that way, but divorce doesn't HAVE to mean financial Armageddon.
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Post by dallasgia on Dec 3, 2021 20:54:09 GMT -5
Maybe there is a belly dancing group. Getting out and about might give you some additional confidence to lead to a better life. Handy, you made me laugh out loud Though for a soon to be 50 chick who birthed naturally 4 giant babies - my stomach is flat - lol- it’s my lack of rhythm that would make that super crazy funny . I do pray healing from the cancer over you. Just curious - have you looked into that dog medicine? Seriously, I didn’t believe it either but I personally know this guy with glioblastoma in his brain- given 4 months to live still kickin a year later taking this stuff. I truly pray that cure is found in our lifetime. So you too can belly dance again -lol |
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Post by sadkat on Dec 3, 2021 22:54:49 GMT -5
Hello dallasgia. It is good to hear from you. I'm glad your mom is recovering from Covid and also that you had the opportunity to live away from your house and h. It seems to have done you a lot of good. You made some big strides- you now recognize the M is dead and are no longer hoping for a miracle. And you can clearly see the emotional abuse for what it is. I don't think I recognized it until at least a year out of my M. It's hard to see when you desperately want to be loved by the man you married. So, don't be so down on yourself. These are all baby steps toward something better. You will come to a crossroads where you will be forced to take a hard look at your life and what you want out of it. At that point, you will make a decision. Until then, continue working on yourself. Find activities that you enjoy. Make a life for yourself that doesn't include h- you can still be married to make that happen. Then let the rest unfold as it will. Besides, statistics clearly show that women leave their M's with much greater frequency than men. So, a set of balls won't do you much good. 😂 |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 3, 2021 22:56:26 GMT -5
Someone who calls you a ”crazy psycho bitch” is at the least a verbal abuser. If you don’t want to divorce you still could separate. Consultation with a lawyer could let you know your options” and rights.. The consultation might even be free.
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Post by dallasgia on Dec 4, 2021 1:29:19 GMT -5
Oh. About that much loved fortune. While the State of Illinois, where I was married, by law divided the marital property 50/50, I was left with a bit less than 30% to my ex's 70+%, and the financial insults haven't stopped. He can end up a lot worse off than a 50/50 split. Trust me on that, and I can provide my case as proof if you don't. In all honesty, my ex was a shopper and a hoarder. I have more money in my bank account now with her siphoning off 30% then I did when we were together and she had full access. I've rebuilt what I lost in the divorce. I'm lucky, I guess. Not everybody turns out that way, but divorce doesn't HAVE to mean financial Armageddon. I struggle the most probably - with betraying him around his money. I just can not reconcile it in my head. It is like a betrayal too deep. He kept a super tight reign in the finances our entire marriage - making mid 6 figures per yr but expecting me to manage all household on $300 per week. 6 people - 3 big eating athlete boys and a too large overeating husband - remember when milk got to $3.50 a gallon? I sure do cause we were going through an entire stressful gallon per day. The breaking up of the family is kinda already a foregone deal as it’s crystal clear to the kids that they have to deal with us separately - as far as the kids are concerned it’s as though the split has already happened. It’s his money - I don’t feel a right to leave and take any. |
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 4, 2021 4:36:31 GMT -5
Oh. About that much loved fortune. While the State of Illinois, where I was married, by law divided the marital property 50/50, I was left with a bit less than 30% to my ex's 70+%, and the financial insults haven't stopped. He can end up a lot worse off than a 50/50 split. Trust me on that, and I can provide my case as proof if you don't. In all honesty, my ex was a shopper and a hoarder. I have more money in my bank account now with her siphoning off 30% then I did when we were together and she had full access. I've rebuilt what I lost in the divorce. I'm lucky, I guess. Not everybody turns out that way, but divorce doesn't HAVE to mean financial Armageddon. I struggle the most probably - with betraying him around his money. I just can not reconcile it in my head. It is like a betrayal too deep. He kept a super tight reign in the finances our entire marriage - making mid 6 figures per yr but expecting me to manage all household on $300 per week. 6 people - 3 big eating athlete boys and a too large overeating husband - remember when milk got to $3.50 a gallon? I sure do cause we were going through an entire stressful gallon per day. The breaking up of the family is kinda already a foregone deal as it’s crystal clear to the kids that they have to deal with us separately - as far as the kids are concerned it’s as though the split has already happened. It’s his money - I don’t feel a right to leave and take any. That is very noble of you, perhaps magnanimous, perhaps naive. You were a partner in the building of that wealth. Of course, you don't HAVE to take all the law will allow. Technically, you don't even have to divorce. I know of two women that are estranged from their legal husbands. One lives with another man as if they were married, and has been for about ten years. The future is what YOU make of it. It is your move. Your husband is comfortable where he is. He has your nest-egg and his homemaker. Imagine if he had to hire a maid, a cook, and a nanny to do what you did for him all these years. Don't feelguilty about taking enough to get back on your feet, after he violated his wedding vows all these years. . |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 4, 2021 10:31:14 GMT -5
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 4, 2021 15:02:54 GMT -5
Consider this, from the view of Christian homeschooling. 1 Corinthians 7:5 "Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." "Defraud" is accurate. dallasgia, you didn't enter into this agreement with the expectation of forced celibacy. You were PROMISED something, and HE REFUSED to give it to you. He played mind tricks on you and made excuses instead of giving reasons. He LIED to you, and let you wallow in your own misery. That's not love. That's control. He made an oath to both you and to God. He made an oath to take you 'to have and to hold". That is the poetic language for sexual intimacy. It comes before "forsaking all others" for a reason. You cannot have monogamy without sexual intimacy. I don't say this lightly. He violated his oath to God. I'll let you search the Bible to learn what God thinks about those that violate his oath to Him. Your marriage has been a fraud, just as mine was, just as so many others here has been. Don't feel bad about looking at it honestly. You have every right to be angry at your willful abuser. He took advantage of your good nature. He controlled you and denied you what he promised. |
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Getting out and about might give you some additional confidence to lead to a better life.
