m76
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Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Feb 28, 2024 9:27:04 GMT -5
I nearly 100% sure I'm past the point of no return but the conversation will happen before actually serving papers so feels more like a divorce is imminent then happening. Last night I talked about how disappointed I was when she canceled our date last week to scroll on her phone. She just said she was tired but got her second wind after I went to sleep. *wtf Now I'm running into the cost of procrastinating.. This morning my wife started talking about going on a romantic trip to Irleand for our 25th anniversary. I have zero interest in doing this trip with our intimacy the way it currently is. It seems like despite everything we've talked about she still thinks everything is fine with us. I'll look at the crafting the talk post today, because I think that conversation needs to happen sooner then later. What is it with spouses and scrolling on their phones? My wife does this constantly and yes even before bedtime when she supposedly is "too tired" for sex. Last night she scrolled on her phone for several hours but was "too tired" for intimacy. Good luck when you go to tell her. I am curious if she even knows the discussion is coming since she is talking about taking a trip? She's been in the same counciling sessions I am and we haven't made any improvements so I don't know what she's thinking anymore. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 28, 2024 9:48:40 GMT -5
Does this trip include your son?
My now ex was planning a trip back to China where 3 of my adopted children came from. I asked her if there was going to be anytime for me and her? or will it all be about the children? I asked about any intimacy between us? I got my answers.....it was all about the children.
It was also a delay tactic, just kicking the can further down the road.
Since she had done all this planning/spending without any consent from me, I finally started setting boundaries and enforcing them. I told her " the only reason I would be coming along is to carry the luggage! NO THANK YOU! If there's no intimacy, no time for us, then go without me. I'm not participating and I'm not going to continue setting a bad example for my kids!"
She cancelled her plans, and even though I didn't hear the exact words I'm sure the blame was put on me " you're father is just a mad angry person". Typical narcissistic behavior.
This from my same now ex W when asked about replacing our 18 yr.old SUV said " we can't afford it". When asked about upgrading our 30 yr old kitchen? "we can't afford it". etc... etc... But suddenly a trip to China?
Just a few months later came the divorce papers from me.
I think the best advice you could receive is from several attorneys ( free or paid counselling) on how to inform your wife that you want a divorce. They will council you on having your finances guarded. Council you on how to talk to the children. Council you on who gets to stay in the house, not having affairs, limiting,documenting all communication, being prepared for false allegations that could cost you your job, etc....
Also if you can afford this trip to Ireland , well... you need to keep up this " lifestyle" with your alimony payments! ( more advice an attorney can answer for you)
You'll have a much better peace of mind going into this prepared with legal council.
PS: you will read of numerous examples posted on this site about refusers going on vacations and how easy it is for them to avoid all sex/intimacy on a vacation. Then coming home and posting pics on fakebook about what a wonderful spouse they are!
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 28, 2024 9:54:50 GMT -5
I nearly 100% sure I'm past the point of no return but the conversation will happen before actually serving papers so feels more like a divorce is imminent then happening. Last night I talked about how disappointed I was when she canceled our date last week to scroll on her phone. She just said she was tired but got her second wind after I went to sleep. *wtf Now I'm running into the cost of procrastinating.. This morning my wife started talking about going on a romantic trip to Irleand for our 25th anniversary. I have zero interest in doing this trip with our intimacy the way it currently is. It seems like despite everything we've talked about she still thinks everything is fine with us. I'll look at the crafting the talk post today, because I think that conversation needs to happen sooner then later. What is it with spouses and scrolling on their phones? My wife does this constantly and yes even before bedtime when she supposedly is "too tired" for sex. Last night she scrolled on her phone for several hours but was "too tired" for intimacy. Good luck when you go to tell her. I am curious if she even knows the discussion is coming since she is talking about taking a trip? The phone scrolling is a dopamine centric numbing out and avoidance addiction. She isolates to numb out and not connect with having to deal with emotional or vulnerable connection, easier to feed the brain with mindless dopamine influx. It also makes connecting and maintaining connection much harder as it conditions the brain to expect that constant influx, and anything less than that "fix" is not recognized or wanted. It serves as a brain chemical replacement for the hormones typically generated with sexual connection and contact with a loved on. Odds are if she has children, they also feel the isolation and "check-out" as well. It's a societal sickness, and a very INTENDED consequence of the engineers of social meda and technology to induce brain addiction to their products (as we use a form of social media to discuss this - Ironic!) |
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Feb 28, 2024 10:00:32 GMT -5
Does this trip include your son? My now ex was planning a trip back to China where 3 of my adopted children came from. I asked her if there was going to be anytime for me and her? or will it all be about the children? I asked about any intimacy between us? I got my answers.....it was all about the children. It was also a delay tactic, just kicking the can further down the road. Since she had done all this planning/spending without any consent from me, I finally started setting boundaries and enforcing them. I told her " the only reason I would be coming along is to carry the luggage! NO THANK YOU! If there's no intimacy, no time for us, then go without me. I'm not participating and I'm not going to continue setting a bad example for my kids!" She cancelled her plans, and even though I didn't hear the exact words I'm sure the blame was put on me " you're father is just a mad angry person". Typical narcissistic behavior. Just a few months later came the divorce papers from me. I think the best advice you could receive is from several attorneys ( free or paid counselling) on how to inform your wife that you want a divorce. They will council you on having your finances guarded. Council you on how to talk to the children. Council you on who gets to stay in the house, not having affairs, limiting,documenting all communication, being prepared for false allegations that could cost you your job, etc.... You'll have a much better peace of mind going into this prepared with legal council. PS: you will read of numerous examples posted on this site about refusers going on vacations and how easy it is for them to avoid all sex/intimacy on a vacation. Then coming home and posting pics on fakebook about what a wonderful spouse they are! She wants the trip to just be us which makes it even worse for me knowing the opportunity is there but won't be acted on. And absolutely it's about posting on Facebook, this vacation idea came up thr day after her friends were posting pics on Facebook of their trips and their wonderful husbands. |
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Feb 28, 2024 10:02:41 GMT -5
What is it with spouses and scrolling on their phones? My wife does this constantly and yes even before bedtime when she supposedly is "too tired" for sex. Last night she scrolled on her phone for several hours but was "too tired" for intimacy. Good luck when you go to tell her. I am curious if she even knows the discussion is coming since she is talking about taking a trip? The phone scrolling is a dopamine centric numbing out and avoidance addiction. She isolates to numb out and not connect with having to deal with emotional or vulnerable connection, easier to feed the brain with mindless dopamine influx. It also makes connecting and maintaining connection much harder as it conditions the brain to expect that constant influx, and anything less than that "fix" is not recognized or wanted. It serves as a brain chemical replacement for the hormones typically generated with sexual connection and contact with a loved on. Odds are if she has children, they also feel the isolation and "check-out" as well. It's a societal sickness, and a very INTENDED consequence of the engineers of social meda and technology to induce brain addiction to their products (as we use a form of social media to discuss this - Ironic!) Concerning the kids I think that's true to some extent. For years I've been the only one to drive them to their activities. That also goes foe the dogs that she decided we were getting but never walks or picks up after them. |
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Post by aquacat on Feb 28, 2024 10:05:02 GMT -5
Does this trip include your son? My now ex was planning a trip back to China where 3 of my adopted children came from. I asked her if there was going to be anytime for me and her? or will it all be about the children? I asked about any intimacy between us? I got my answers.....it was all about the children. It was also a delay tactic, just kicking the can further down the road. Since she had done all this planning/spending without any consent from me, I finally started setting boundaries and enforcing them. I told her " the only reason I would be coming along is to carry the luggage! NO THANK YOU! If there's no intimacy, no time for us, then go without me. I'm not participating and I'm not going to continue setting a bad example for my kids!" She cancelled her plans, and even though I didn't hear the exact words I'm sure the blame was put on me " you're father is just a mad angry person". Typical narcissistic behavior. Just a few months later came the divorce papers from me. I think the best advice you could receive is from several attorneys ( free or paid counselling) on how to inform your wife that you want a divorce. They will council you on having your finances guarded. Council you on how to talk to the children. Council you on who gets to stay in the house, not having affairs, limiting,documenting all communication, being prepared for false allegations that could cost you your job, etc.... You'll have a much better peace of mind going into this prepared with legal council. PS: you will read of numerous examples posted on this site about refusers going on vacations and how easy it is for them to avoid all sex/intimacy on a vacation. Then coming home and posting pics on fakebook about what a wonderful spouse they are! She wants the trip to just be us which makes it even worse for me knowing the opportunity is there but won't be acted on. And absolutely it's about posting on Facebook, this vacation idea came up thr day after her friends were posting pics on Facebook of their trips and their wonderful husbands. Are those wonderful husbands getting the intimacy they need from their wives or do you think her friends husbands are in the same boat we are all in? This is starting to be one giant boat. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 28, 2024 10:13:21 GMT -5
If you can afford this trip to Ireland well....you'll need to keep up this "lifestyle" with your alimony payments! ( more advice an attorney can answer for you)
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Feb 28, 2024 10:46:18 GMT -5
If you can afford this trip to Ireland well....you'll need to keep up this "lifestyle" with your alimony payments! ( more advice an attorney can answer for you) We really can't afford it. She wants to increase our already crushing debt. |
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Post by aquacat on Feb 28, 2024 10:58:04 GMT -5
If you can afford this trip to Ireland well....you'll need to keep up this "lifestyle" with your alimony payments! ( more advice an attorney can answer for you) We really can't afford it. She wants to increase our already crushing debt. Just curious how debt distribution works in a divorce? I know each state is different if you're in the US. |
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Feb 28, 2024 11:02:15 GMT -5
We really can't afford it. She wants to increase our already crushing debt. Just curious how debt distribution works in a divorce? I know each state is different if you're in the US. It's 50/50 including debt and all assets in Canada. Selling the house would cancel oir debt out and give us each a small amount to start over. |
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 28, 2024 11:13:29 GMT -5
I was under the impression you were past the point of offering her conditions for avoiding disaster. I know I mentioned this page already, is it not potentially useful for constructing your hail Mary? iliasm.org/thread/5780/build-own-talkI nearly 100% sure I'm past the point of no return but the conversation will happen before actually serving papers so feels more like a divorce is imminent then happening. Last night I talked about how disappointed I was when she canceled our date last week to scroll on her phone. She just said she was tired but got her second wind after I went to sleep. *wtf Now I'm running into the cost of procrastinating.. This morning my wife started talking about going on a romantic trip to Irleand for our 25th anniversary. I have zero interest in doing this trip with our intimacy the way it currently is. It seems like despite everything we've talked about she still thinks everything is fine with us. I'll look at the crafting the talk post today, because I think that conversation needs to happen sooner then later. A few thoughts here. One is that she knows that things aren't fine. With the exception of medical impairments, all refusers know things aren't fine. They simply don't care about your intimate wants and desires. Look at the above comment about your W getting her second wind AFTER you fell asleep. She is trolling you...legit rubbing it in your face, a total "oops, YOUR bad...if you had juuuust stayed up two minutes longer." She's full of shit, laughing in your face, and inside you know it. You book that trip and there will be more financial considerations, more reasons to stay, etc etc etc. That's how it goes. There is planning on your end in terms of leaving, but there is no planning needed to have this talk. In fact, it shouldn't even be a discussion. There should be no room for conversation or negotiation. Look to member isthisit for a perfect delivery: "I can't be your spouse anymore." Not a question, not a confrontation, a statement. |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 28, 2024 12:10:04 GMT -5
Last night I talked about how disappointed I was when she canceled our date last week to scroll on her phone. She just said she was tired but got her second wind after I went to sleep. *wtf Now I'm running into the cost of procrastinating.. This morning my wife started talking about going on a romantic trip to Irleand for our 25th anniversary. I have zero interest in doing this trip with our intimacy the way it currently is. It seems like despite everything we've talked about she still thinks everything is fine with us. I'll look at the crafting the talk post today, because I think that conversation needs to happen sooner then later. I’m with deadzone75 here. She is consciously blowing you off / disregarding what is important to you and what she’s agreed to do. She’s ignoring the issue and hoping you drop it. Very disrespectful to take a ‘meh’ attitude toward something you’ve made clear is critical. Been there, in this exact situation. (W would stay up until midnight to get in the next day’s Spanish lesson to maintain her ‘streak’, but somehow could never find time for me.) I’d recommend using the Ireland trip as an opener for your divorce discussion. “I’m not willing to take you on an expensive trip when we’re headed toward divorce.” She using the “romantic” spin as a way to manipulate you into agreeing, and it’s blatantly sad. Offer to book a weekend of sex at a local hotel to call her bluff. DC |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 28, 2024 12:13:34 GMT -5
For years I've been the only one to drive them to their activities. Start documenting that as best you can. Activities, school events, doctor appointments. You’ll need the detail to make a case for primary custody. Child support payments are typically based on % of time and income differential. DC |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 28, 2024 12:50:12 GMT -5
I’d recommend using the Ireland trip as an opener for your divorce discussion. “I’m not willing to take you on an expensive trip when we’re headed toward divorce.” She using the “romantic” spin as a way to manipulate you into agreeing, and it’s blatantly sad. Offer to book a weekend of sex at a local hotel to call her bluff. DC Some hard truth brother...You're both in debt. You share in that responsibility. Even if she did all the spending. Your being "the nice guy" agreeing to all this to happen,caving, happy wife happy life,etc...shows lack of decision making on your own for her to submit too. For her it's... if I have to make all the decisions then I'm more powerful than you and I don't respect you ( or your needs). If you're always second guessing yourself and submitting to her ( thinking you're pleasing her) she won't find that attractive. Take that knowledge with you into your next future relationship. And when raising your boys. (voice of experience. I will never allow another woman to have control over my finances again) Woman who are planning to use you and manipulate you love a man without boundaries!! You deserve equal value being brought into your life , ..less giving and more receiving. Spend the Ireland trip money on your cost of an attorney. Make it a boundary. A line that won't be crossed. Estimate a cost and move that money while you still have a chance. Consider it a much wiser investment! |
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Post by isthisit on Feb 28, 2024 14:33:55 GMT -5
Last night I talked about how disappointed I was when she canceled our date last week to scroll on her phone. She just said she was tired but got her second wind after I went to sleep. *wtf Now I'm running into the cost of procrastinating.. This morning my wife started talking about going on a romantic trip to Irleand for our 25th anniversary. I have zero interest in doing this trip with our intimacy the way it currently is. It seems like despite everything we've talked about she still thinks everything is fine with us. I'll look at the crafting the talk post today, because I think that conversation needs to happen sooner then later. She is consciously blowing you off Here was me feeling empathy for m76 and he is getting noshed off? 😜 |
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