Hi,
I found this site a few years ago and it has been very helpful for me.
I thought it was the right time for me to introduce myself.
I married a man which I thought was nice 24 years ago.
During the 8 first years of our marriage, while he was very introvert, he was gentle and caring. I thought he was too dependent upon his domineering mother, but otherwise everything was fine.
After the birth of our third child, he suddenly completely changed. He started saying he was fed up with our family life, and frustrated by our sex life. He started to put lots of pressure on me, kept blaming me while at the same time I was exhausted because I was experiencing thyroid issues (it took 9 months to get rightly diagnosed).
Then, while before we married, we had told ourselves we would want minimum 4 or 5 children, at the time I suggested having our fourth child, he blamed me again saying he could not stand to have another child with me.
At that time, being totally lost and desperate by his behaviour, I decided to have a fourth child even if he did not want it.
Being myself an only child, my dream was to have a big family. My husband was very busy working all the time. What difference would it make for him? I was taking care of the children.
I thought he would be maybe angry in the beginning... but he was already angry, so what?
I became pregnant in 2001. I told him. He said our marriage might never be the same. Since then, he withheld sex, affection, intimacy with me.
At the beginning, I thought he would change his behaviour with time as he loved our fourth child as much as the three first ones.
He never changed.
During 10 years, I experienced his rejection, as well as the shame and the guilt for having hurt him.
During 10 years, I felt I would wait for him to forgive me. It never happened.
In 2009, I told him I could not stand it anymore and would leave. he accused me of being selfish and willing to destroy our family. I stayed.
In 2012, he offered me a ring to celebrate our 20th anniversary of marriage as well as my birthday. I asked him if it meant our marriage would finally become normal. He answered it was not within his control. I could not bear it and was brave enough to leave.
Having said that, even after leaving, I still felt guilty.
One year after having left, I wrote him a long letter and was still asking for his forgiveness and asked him if he wanted to work on our relationship.
He answered me in 10 lines that we, like so many other couples, had grown apart. It was a "normal" split.
Until 3 months ago, I had never heard the term passive-aggressive and still felt guilty.
But 3 months ago, I realized he was trying to manipulate my youngest daughter and had a "a-ha" moment.
I realized I might have been manipulated during years. At the same time, I learnt by complete chance he had a partner for 2-3 years and had asked my children to hide it to my youngest daughter and me.
I must confess I was shocked when I learnt it.
Now, after 4 years out, I know I need to move on but I struggle.
I've just realized I was not as guilty as I thought, and since I am no more ashamed, I can finally speak about my situation.
But it hurts so much.
I have nightmares, I feel a hole and emptiness in myself.
I keep obsessing about him. He is very affectionate with his new partner. Sometimes I feel a failure and tell myself I might have killed my marriage, sometimes I tell myself he has been an abuser with me and won't change... I am lost. I started to see a therapist as I thought I needed it.
I am still an attractive woman but I am scared to date again. I was a virgin before meeting my husband and have experienced so many years of rejection. What can I expect?
My 3 eldest children are adults now and I also struggle because I do not give them a good image. They think I left their father who is so great and nice. But now he is so happy with his new partner while their mother (the nasty wife) is depressed.
I was strong enough to bear this torture during 10 years and I am willing to recover. I know I can do it.
Having said that, I am grateful for any advice.