archived introductions (July/Aug/Sept 2016)

"If" you want to do this, there is nothing directly stopping you.
It is a perfectly legitimate choice to pursue.
But, like all choices, consequences tend to ensue.
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Maybe your missus would choose to end the marriage as she threatened 20 years ago, and maybe not.
Would that necessarily be such a bad outcome (?) It hardly reads as being such a great dynamic.
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It's a judgement call, for you alone to make.
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Choice A
Outsource, and get sex, possibly collapse the marriage leaving you to keep pursuing further sex as a single.
Choice B
Do nothing, get no sex from within, or without, the marriage.
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They are both perfectly valid choices.
And, whether you meant to, or whether it was an accident, or karma, or call it what you will, you have, effectively, chosen "B".
And "B" s a perfectly legitimate choice.
Now, you need to take ownership of that choice.
Your choice, your consequence, your responsibility.
Own it. Live it.

I'd agree that the situation is unfair.
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That's our common denominator in here.
I find it difficult to recall a story in here that has even a modicum of 'fairness' about it, whether a refused or refuser wrote it.
Someone, is always getting dudded in these situations, and sometimes, both.
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"Fairness" never seems to come in to it.

I'd agree.
That would be a "fair" method of resolution.
But, it relies on your spouse to
(a) - agree that the present position is unfair
(b) - agree that the proposed method of resolution is reasonable.
And there-in is where it stalls.
The big weakness is that the resolution method is solely reliant on your spouse.
Now I dunno what your spouse is like, but if typical of examples seen in here time after time after time, you ain't going to get that 'approval'.
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Whatever method of resolution you might adopt has to take her out of the equation.
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You would have to act unilaterally, and let the cards fall where they may.
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You may, or may not be prepared to do that.
It's your choice.

Welcome Sister jd.
I'm sure you will get some replies specific to your post in respect to low T, sleep apnea, child with medical issues, chronic stress, financial crises, and a lonely 16-year marriage full of hurt, neglect and anger.
Various members will have specific knowledge in regard to some of these issues.
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Sometimes you can get a whole lot of value from just reading voraciously in here, picking up bits here bits there. It is unlikely (though not impossible) that another member is going to have the exact same circumstances as you and be able to handle all the areas you have mentioned.
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However, just about ALL members are all too familiar with the "marriage full of hurt, neglect and anger" situation.
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Welcome again, dive in would be my initial suggestion for you.

Hi jd, welcome, sorry you're here. Low T is a common problem in sexless marriages, but the question is what is he doing about it? Does he want to have an intimate and satisfying sex life with you so he's doing everything he can to get those hormones in balance?

Or is he using it as a perfect excuse to avoid sex?

You'll read a lot about excuses here too.

Let me tell you about low T too...how low is it? If it's like way down below normal ok maybe, but just speaking for myself, I am obsessed with sex, I think it's the most glorious wondrous experience you can have. So I was surprised to find that my T is low normal. You'd think it was off the charts, but it isn't. Testosterone doesn't fuel my sex drive. The need for comfort, intimacy, and everything that goes along with sex, fuels my sex drive.

So I'm a little dubious when I read that a sex dud refuser uses low T as a excuse.

Ditto.

I'm also low T, and 3x a week would be a very sustainable frequency if W wasn't asexual. I hesitate to fix my levels because I'm already sexually frustrated as hell; higher sex drive would make me insane.