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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 28, 2017 19:07:28 GMT -5
Something I want to say here and now ,is a BIG THANK YOU! Thank you for giving of your time, giving of your advice, giving your background experiences, giving happiness, giving understanding, and giving HOPE to others! I look forward to hearing more from shamwow, and helping him heal.
Our hunneymoon was different from yours. Since my wife was a "V" it was handled with kid gloves. Allowing most of our time to be intimate leading up to the evenings. Evenings were like knowing the "Sausage chili" needs 20 ingredients, but you could get by with 5 basic ingredients. Un-spoken ambitions of adding more ingredients once home was part of that plan. Surely things will just fall into place. All the pieces fit ,it was time for the glue! We settled into living together in my home, and me just starting college. It was an awful lot of change at one time, but we were young and up to the challenge. Turns out there wasn't enough glue.
Maybe a 6th ingredient got added to the recipe, while the other 14 was rejected. Like the term "strictly vanilla". Breading added a ingredient or two, (enough to put on the ball and chain) Then came the move to another state and big changes all at once. Including, not liking Sausage chili anymore.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2017 19:42:21 GMT -5
lyn, beachguy - yes, the women on this forum are unhappy because we are NOT getting any sausage! LOL
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Post by beachguy on Jan 28, 2017 20:05:18 GMT -5
lyn , beachguy - yes, the women on this forum are unhappy because we are NOT getting any sausage! LOL I'm glad someone appreciated my carefully crafted double entendre LOL |
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Post by lyn on Jan 28, 2017 20:09:40 GMT -5
lyn , beachguy - yes, the women on this forum are unhappy because we are NOT getting any sausage! LOL I'm glad someone appreciated my carefully crafted double entendre LOL What is REALLY sad is it just made me want some chili😉 Hehe |
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Post by beachguy on Jan 28, 2017 20:10:57 GMT -5
I'm glad someone appreciated my carefully crafted double entendre LOL What is REALLY sad is it just made me want some chili😉 Hehe I would make my sausage chili for you anytime  {sigh} |
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Post by lyn on Jan 28, 2017 20:11:50 GMT -5
Oh honey.......promises, promises....... 😊
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Post by warmways on Jan 28, 2017 21:56:19 GMT -5
I feel so far removed from what it's all about to be in a healthy marriage but to me love is a verb. Marriage is about committing to being fully present and to doing the best you can to take care of your own stuff and keep yourself strong/healthy so you can give back to your mate and recognize sex and romance and fun is an integral part of it. To have empathy that if you're shunning your partner and avoiding you're deeply hurting the person you promised to love.
On the one hand it's boring day to day stuff like cleaning and cooking and finances and taking out the trash and fixing the gutter but it's also about making time for all the passion and excitement and fun you can have together which is a tough balance.
It's about trust and keeping your word and being able to admit when you're wrong and to do your absolute best and work for it.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2017 22:02:33 GMT -5
Just trying to figure this out, by talking it out more. You did like everything about him except for the refusing sex part? There was the gambling, addiction, money issues, disrespect,and lack of trust, Just to highlight the main issues. All valid reasons to end the marriage. Add those all together with the sexless marriage, and it validates your case even stronger. I loved him. I still do, that's the sad part. I'm not in love anymore. I'm not attracted to him anymore BUT for the 21 plus years we were married and he did cheat our first year of marriage, he gambled but we got our bills paid one way or another, unreliable - getting the kids to school late, the verbal abuse came at the end when I was not his puppet anymore, but yes if he would have had sex with me I would have felt loved. You have to understand it wasn't all bad and years of abuse. He worked hard, provided well for us, called me beautiful, talked to me about what he was interested in which I was interested too, said "I love you" to each other everyday for twenty years. If I were asexual I would have been happy with him for a husband, but 13 years of celibacy morphed the marriage into something that wasn't marriage anymore. First ten years sex once a month it kept me on the hook and I was happy with other parts of our relationship there were things like the gambling that upset me but I loved him. Obviously more than he loved me. But he did. We still love each other it's just not romantic love but it's very sad. , I can relate somewhat. Mine did not gamble, step out with other women, or become abusive - but allowing his health problems to ruin our life together was the problem in our case. As I look back, I can see though - it's what I've been saying for years now. Good sex with a compatible partner can make other problems easier to live with. At least, it did for me. When the sex went away, the other problems upset me more. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Jan 28, 2017 22:44:33 GMT -5
Marriage is more than the joining of two people either by mutual attraction or arrangement. Think of a Venn Diagram - interlocking circles. Each person represents one circle with everything that comes with them also in that circle. All your history is there, family, friends, enemies and whatever your history is - you bring them with you.
Once the circles lock together they will always be locked together. Even with divorce the circles will always be connected in some way - children, pets, memories, or common friends will see to that. The circles may have less commonality, but they are still connected.
Children, in-laws and all the others are their own circles - each connecting to others that you never dreamed existed. Even if you die you are still in someone's circle - still connected. Circles can be brought together by love or hate.
Marriage is the deliberate joining with love and expectations both spoken and unspoken. When it is said you give love without expecting anything in return - I call bullshit. You want/need to be loved in return, it's part of your circle that overlaps you marriage partner's circle. You give your love by caring for the other people in your circle and some how, some way they give you something in return. Why else would you do it? Not all your expectations can be met by the other person; the question is what is the deal breaker? What part of your circles must overlap for you to stay?
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 29, 2017 6:31:43 GMT -5
Marriage is more than the joining of two people either by mutual attraction or arrangement. Think of a Venn Diagram - interlocking circles. Each person represents one circle with everything that comes with them also in that circle. All your history is there, family, friends, enemies and whatever your history is - you bring them with you. Once the circles lock together they will always be locked together. Even with divorce the circles will always be connected in some way - children, pets, memories, or common friends will see to that. The circles may have less commonality, but they are still connected. Children, in-laws and all the others are their own circles - each connecting to others that you never dreamed existed. Even if you die you are still in someone's circle - still connected. Circles can be brought together by love or hate. Marriage is the deliberate joining with love and expectations both spoken and unspoken. When it is said you give love without expecting anything in return - I call bullshit. You want/need to be loved in return, it's part of your circle that overlaps you marriage partner's circle. You give your love by caring for the other people in your circle and some how, some way they give you something in return. Why else would you do it? Not all your expectations can be met by the other person; the question is what is the deal breaker? What part of your circles must overlap for you to stay? I really liked your description of marriage. |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 1, 2017 14:46:38 GMT -5
I put out this question a few days ago to see what others people here thought. I love some of the examples (especially the "sausage" chili). The reason I asked the question, though is that I had just recently read "The 5 Love Languages" and realized that my wife and I have been speaking the wrong language for 20 years now. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_LanguagesShe expresses her love more by giving gifts and acts of service. I express mine more in words of affirmation and physical touch. Neither Neither of us really care about quality time. When I first read the book, I had hope that perhaps our marriage could be salvaged, but as I thought about it more, I realized this was false hope. See, at this point, I can buy her gifts and perform acts of service for her with sincerity and goodwill. However, after so much time, I would know that (at best) any efforts she made wouldn't come from the heart, and (at worst) they would be a cynical play to keep me around. Neither of these would save our marriage (although knowing my wife it would be the former). It is probably too far gone. Also, when I know I'm the subject of behavioral conditioning, I tend to push back, making it less effective. So if I had to define love, I would define it as this: When you care more about your partner's happiness (and take actions to make that person happy) than your own and that feeling is reciprocated. Marriage was instituted for a variety of reasons, but the one that I like the most is as a framework of discovering and re-discovering what makes your partner happy as you share your lives together.If you do that, sex will be a natural part of marriage. Unfortunately, my marriage has very few of these things. No sausage chili for poor ol' Shammy. Just my 2 cents worth on a question I asked |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 1, 2017 15:00:35 GMT -5
Something I want to say here and now ,is a BIG THANK YOU! Thank you for giving of your time, giving of your advice, giving your background experiences, giving happiness, giving understanding, and giving HOPE to others! I look forward to hearing more from shamwow, and helping him heal. Our hunneymoon was different from yours. Since my wife was a "V" it was handled with kid gloves. Allowing most of our time to be intimate leading up to the evenings. Evenings were like knowing the "Sausage chili" needs 20 ingredients, but you could get by with 5 basic ingredients. Un-spoken ambitions of adding more ingredients once home was part of that plan. Surely things will just fall into place. All the pieces fit ,it was time for the glue! We settled into living together in my home, and me just starting college. It was an awful lot of change at one time, but we were young and up to the challenge. Turns out there wasn't enough glue. Maybe a 6th ingredient got added to the recipe, while the other 14 was rejected. Like the term "strictly vanilla". Breading added a ingredient or two, (enough to put on the ball and chain) Then came the move to another state and big changes all at once. Including, not liking Sausage chili anymore. Thanks, man. It's been a tough week and a half, but each day really is getting a little bit easier. I'm kind of "blessed" that neither my wife or I are the kicking/screaming/shouting type. Last week I was a train wreck emotionally. The last thing I needed was to doing it in the midst of a drama festival. The only thing I'm a bit surprised / disappointed at is how she hasn't even made an attempt at "I can change" or reset me sexually. I'm not disappointed because I wanted her to jump through hoops, but because it probably means there hasn't been anything worth saving for quite some time now. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 1, 2017 15:30:40 GMT -5
Something I want to say here and now ,is a BIG THANK YOU! Thank you for giving of your time, giving of your advice, giving your background experiences, giving happiness, giving understanding, and giving HOPE to others! I look forward to hearing more from shamwow, and helping him heal. Our hunneymoon was different from yours. Since my wife was a "V" it was handled with kid gloves. Allowing most of our time to be intimate leading up to the evenings. Evenings were like knowing the "Sausage chili" needs 20 ingredients, but you could get by with 5 basic ingredients. Un-spoken ambitions of adding more ingredients once home was part of that plan. Surely things will just fall into place. All the pieces fit ,it was time for the glue! We settled into living together in my home, and me just starting college. It was an awful lot of change at one time, but we were young and up to the challenge. Turns out there wasn't enough glue. Maybe a 6th ingredient got added to the recipe, while the other 14 was rejected. Like the term "strictly vanilla". Breading added a ingredient or two, (enough to put on the ball and chain) Then came the move to another state and big changes all at once. Including, not liking Sausage chili anymore. Thanks, man. It's been a tough week and a half, but each day really is getting a little bit easier. I'm kind of "blessed" that neither my wife or I are the kicking/screaming/shouting type. Last week I was a train wreck emotionally. The last thing I needed was to doing it in the midst of a drama festival. The only thing I'm a bit surprised / disappointed at is how she hasn't even made an attempt at "I can change" or reset me sexually. I'm not disappointed because I wanted her to jump through hoops, but because it probably means there hasn't been anything worth saving for quite some time now. I can relate to that> The fact that there wasn't much to save does make it easier. Also the not yelling, fighting, screaming, arguing, is a kind of blessing, but only a small one. Consider this analogy: hand to hand combat, verses nerve gas. The nerve gas is quiet, silent,un-seen but far more deadly, and puts the army who is using it at zero risk, verses the army who recieves it. Back to the avoidance issue, and that saying nothing IS saying something. Like playing tug -o-war. You are holding the rope, your feat are firmly planted, the rope is wrapped around your hand tight, the other hand is on the rope ready. She stands and stares at you. You say, "c'mon pick it up,lets go! I won't even pull on it!, I'll let you win,, I'll take the short end! She walks away. Who was in control? who was in charge? And why shouldn't she walk away, be silent, it's been working pretty good, until now. Just keep your radar up for any other manipulative moves. One day at a time. Helping others on here will also give you strength. |
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Post by wewbwb on Feb 1, 2017 15:58:50 GMT -5
Marriage is more than the joining of two people either by mutual attraction or arrangement. Think of a Venn Diagram - interlocking circles. Each person represents one circle with everything that comes with them also in that circle. All your history is there, family, friends, enemies and whatever your history is - you bring them with you. Once the circles lock together they will always be locked together. Even with divorce the circles will always be connected in some way - children, pets, memories, or common friends will see to that. The circles may have less commonality, but they are still connected. Children, in-laws and all the others are their own circles - each connecting to others that you never dreamed existed. Even if you die you are still in someone's circle - still connected. Circles can be brought together by love or hate. Marriage is the deliberate joining with love and expectations both spoken and unspoken. When it is said you give love without expecting anything in return - I call bullshit. You want/need to be loved in return, it's part of your circle that overlaps you marriage partner's circle. You give your love by caring for the other people in your circle and some how, some way they give you something in return. Why else would you do it? Not all your expectations can be met by the other person; the question is what is the deal breaker? What part of your circles must overlap for you to stay? That's pretty deep for a guy in a thong. |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 1, 2017 16:18:59 GMT -5
Marriage is more than the joining of two people either by mutual attraction or arrangement. Think of a Venn Diagram - interlocking circles. Each person represents one circle with everything that comes with them also in that circle. All your history is there, family, friends, enemies and whatever your history is - you bring them with you. Once the circles lock together they will always be locked together. Even with divorce the circles will always be connected in some way - children, pets, memories, or common friends will see to that. The circles may have less commonality, but they are still connected. Children, in-laws and all the others are their own circles - each connecting to others that you never dreamed existed. Even if you die you are still in someone's circle - still connected. Circles can be brought together by love or hate. Marriage is the deliberate joining with love and expectations both spoken and unspoken. When it is said you give love without expecting anything in return - I call bullshit. You want/need to be loved in return, it's part of your circle that overlaps you marriage partner's circle. You give your love by caring for the other people in your circle and some how, some way they give you something in return. Why else would you do it? Not all your expectations can be met by the other person; the question is what is the deal breaker? What part of your circles must overlap for you to stay? That's pretty deep for a guy in a thong. The thong is in pretty deep from the pic. |
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