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Post by shamwow on Jan 27, 2017 17:02:06 GMT -5
Last Sunday, I told my wife of almost 20 years that I want a divorce. This week has been a roller coaster as I'm sure everyone can imagine. I am exhausted emotionally, mentally, and physically, but I am holding it together and appreciate all the thoughts and prayers over the past week. I will post an update on the situation soon, but want to collect my thoughts before I do so. Right now, I am sitting in an airport in Houston waiting for my flight to NYC to board.
I want to ask a question that has come up in my life over the past day. How does one define love, and how does one define marriage? As will become apparent in my next post, this question may be the most important question I've ever asked. Perhaps I'm asking myself this question 20 years too late. But what I'd really like is the thoughts of other people stuck in the SM shithole. I'm sure many of your first thoughts are going to be pointed, cynical, and jaded. I'm not looking for those kinds of answers though. Instead, I'm seeking answers on what you think love and marriage should be.
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Post by wom360 on Jan 27, 2017 17:19:14 GMT -5
This is not cynical at all. To me, love is action, expressed by deeds and commitment.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 27, 2017 17:50:16 GMT -5
If your newly christened STBX is dragging you through an enforced autopsy, let's start with what it isn't:
It isn't enforced celibacy.
And I mean that. Given that I do not believe I had a single day in my marriage that I wasn't sexually frustrated. That's not marriage.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2017 17:57:04 GMT -5
That is a tough question. I can say categorically that a marriage devoid of sex is NOT marriage.
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Post by baza on Jan 27, 2017 18:10:42 GMT -5
At its' core, marriage is a financial partnership between individual equals.
The individual partners act respectfully and honestly to each other, and to the partnership.
Within those parameters, the finer detail is negotiated by mutual consent.
In the event of behaviours of one of the partners not being in the best interests of the other partner, and the partnership, then the partnership can be dissolved by either individual, or by mutual consent.
"Love" may, or may not, be present in the partnership.
"Love"
- - - yes, well, I am drawing a big blank on this one, I know what it means to me, but I dunno what it means to you, or you, or you Brother shamwow.
To me, it is as above in regard to respect and honesty, but with a BIG emotional and physical connection thrown in.
But a marriage can be manufactured.
Love can't be.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 27, 2017 18:36:58 GMT -5
If your newly christened STBX is dragging you through an enforced autopsy, let's start with what it isn't: It isn't enforced celibacy. And I mean that. Given that I do not believe I had a single day in my marriage that I wasn't sexually frustrated. That's not marriage. Not to worry. No enforced autopsy. This for my curiosity only. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 27, 2017 18:49:29 GMT -5
Marriage is a commitment between two people that establishes rights (financial) and obligations (sexual) because you love them so much, you only want to be with them until death do you part if it works out.
Romantic love is about connection and caring. You just absolutely care about this person more than anyone else in the world. You desire this person, you want to kiss, cuddle, and make love to this person very passionately. Quickies are good too. The connection isn't just physical and emotional there should be an openness and a freeness where you can say anything to each other.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 27, 2017 18:51:37 GMT -5
I'll be interested in hearing why it's so important to you, considering you seem to have things figured out in your update a few minutes ago.
I can't give you a better answer because I have no experience with marriage. I have 30 years experience in a legally enforced roommate deal of sorts. But it was never a marriage.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 27, 2017 19:22:27 GMT -5
To me marriage should be the coming together in mind and body of 2people, who commit to always trying to meet each other's needs and look after each other. Ideally they should have no secrets, but be able to trust them not to hurt each other.
Love, I think, is the feeling you get when you are with someone, you think about them always, and you want to make them happy. You get pleasure out of finding out what they like and the sense that you are important to them.
Sorry, all a bit romantic and waffly!!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 27, 2017 19:28:08 GMT -5
What love and marriage should be?
For years I held closely to this definition. Love is the greatest commitment to the good of another person. I still believe that. But in the past year I have learned that marriage is different.
The first definition that's agape love. That's about giving and expecting nothing in return. Sacrificing in the name of love. Like love for your country.
Then there's marriage. The word "hessid" is used. Loyal love that goes beyond the requirements of duty. It pertains to doing, showing, or keeping. Trustworthiness.
A relationship is life giving. GIVING AND RECEIVING BACK. NOT JUST GIVING AND RECEIVING NOTHING.A MUTUAL AGREEMENT.
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Post by lwoetin on Jan 27, 2017 21:10:03 GMT -5
Love is the giving of yourself to another person. Marriage is the promise to love a person a lifetime and trying your best to make each other happy (sex, friendship and family).
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 27, 2017 21:29:14 GMT -5
imo marriage is far easier to define - you're married, with or w/o kids and try to maintain a good, solid family, hopefully with romance and a balance of positives and negatives along the way...
love...well, now that's a whole 'nother thing entirely.
Love (to me) is more about anticipation, knowing and feeling quite firmly that you will be not only appreciated for who you are, but easily forgiven for any minor transgressions - and feeling confident that your love is reciprocated in many (if not most) ways.
The attitudinal comfort of intimacy (in all forms) should be clear and filled with a desire to please each other. Sex takes it all to the highest level, with a full understanding that it's about sharing and providing pleasure which fulfills so many extreme desires.
at our core, we are all humans who seek safety, comfort, pleasure and harmony with others - true love is the pinnacle of that if you can find that soul match...
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Post by lyn on Jan 27, 2017 23:15:38 GMT -5
Love -
To mutually desire nothing more than to see your beloved truly happy is simple, yet, everything.
Marriage- aside from a legal contract - is a mutual pledge, a public declaration to hold the bonds of love with your spouse in the highest regard. To be the gatekeepers of each other's heart by practicing all that went into creating the love in the first place. This marital pact iimplies there is mutual TRUST and ACCEPTANCE - feeling safe to be authentic - appreciated for who you are with a mutual desire to grow as a couple and individually - compromising when needed - yet without compromising who you are.
In a marriage, both partners must work diligently to maintain the relationship. Mutual giving and receiving - intimacy gained from mutual respect and compassion -open and honest, judgement-free communication.
I don't think a marriage can ever be truly successful unless both parties are inclined to maintain a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. (Or non-sexual, as long as it's mutually agreed upon.)
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2017 23:45:39 GMT -5
Marriage is an attempt to combine your love life and sex life with a wholesome family atmosphere. Those two things mix about as well as oil and water.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 28, 2017 1:53:22 GMT -5
I'll be interested in hearing why it's so important to you, considering you seem to have things figured out in your update a few minutes ago. I can't give you a better answer because I have no experience with marriage. I have 30 years experience in a legally enforced roommate deal of sorts. But it was never a marriage. Guess I just have a flair for the dramatic. Honestly, though, the main reason really is curiosity. When you look at a marriage you've been in for 20 years and realize that you and your wife have very different (and quite incompatible) views of what love and marriage are, it does tend to make you wonder what other people think of those subjects. Or maybe I'm just a weird dude. Coin flip, perhaps?  |
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