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Post by bballgirl on Dec 29, 2016 6:30:05 GMT -5
Thanks bballgirl. She does want sex but is the type that never shares her true feelings. I've always had to drag them out. My friend has mentioned that me withholding is wrong during a couples night and she basically agreed and used that time to passively vent. I tried to have a one on one conversation when we were alone but she simply stated she understood the state we're in and didn't elaborate or respond any further to me. I don't want sex with anyone else and I'm almost certain she doesn't either. I just don't know what to do. I feel the marriage is just about over because we live in a state in which we're more like friends or siblings. The marriage could definitely work but not with the lack of connection or intimacy. There is no real problem that bars it from working, so I'm starting to think it is the lack of sex that's driving the wedge. I just don't know how to even rekindie it and, honestly, I'm not even sure that I should. I'm a very direct person but this has put me in a spot where I feel like a middle school kid wondering if I should go for 1st base or not. And i feel that I'm only concerned about having sex just to keep from continually hurting her feelings. Not sure of that is a valid enought reason. Thanks It got to the point for me that sex felt like incest with my ex. I became a counter refuser after 2 decades of rejection, not that I got the chance to refuse my H never wanted me sexually. I would say don't do anything you don't really want to do in life but be honest with her and then it's her decision. My ex was never honest. He made excuses and I was naive and believed him. Don't have sex just so you don't hurt her feelings, nobody wants pity sex. Your wife wants to be wanted and desired and only she can figure out what is best for her life. You aren't responsible for her happiness but you are responsible to be honest with her and then you each have a right to your own choices for your own lives. You say you don't want sex with anyone else but I guess I'm wondering if you were single again, would you want sex with a woman you are dating?
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2016 13:27:50 GMT -5
Hi new to the forum, but unfortunately not new to sexless marriage. Sex with my wife has been on the decline 4-5 years and it seems to be getting worse rather than better.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 29, 2016 13:37:13 GMT -5
Hi new to the forum, but unfortunately not new to sexless marriage. Sex with my wife has been on the decline 4-5 years and it seems to be getting worse rather than better. Welcome and sorry you have found yourself here. Read a lot and we are a supportive group and a lot of fun.
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Post by Lithium92 on Dec 29, 2016 13:38:24 GMT -5
Earthhorse - I know what you mean about even the prospect of being desired by someone, anyone, is heady. I had an abortive non-fling with a woman before Christmas (see previous posts...) and my god did it wake up something... and not just the obvious. I don't want to lose it again.
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Post by unmatched on Dec 29, 2016 18:14:13 GMT -5
Thanks bballgirl. She does want sex but is the type that never shares her true feelings. I've always had to drag them out. My friend has mentioned that me withholding is wrong during a couples night and she basically agreed and used that time to passively vent. I tried to have a one on one conversation when we were alone but she simply stated she understood the state we're in and didn't elaborate or respond any further to me. I don't want sex with anyone else and I'm almost certain she doesn't either. I just don't know what to do. I feel the marriage is just about over because we live in a state in which we're more like friends or siblings. The marriage could definitely work but not with the lack of connection or intimacy. There is no real problem that bars it from working, so I'm starting to think it is the lack of sex that's driving the wedge. I just don't know how to even rekindie it and, honestly, I'm not even sure that I should. I'm a very direct person but this has put me in a spot where I feel like a middle school kid wondering if I should go for 1st base or not. And i feel that I'm only concerned about having sex just to keep from continually hurting her feelings. Not sure of that is a valid enought reason. Thanks It doesn't sound like it is true to say 'there is no real problem that bars it from working'. Your wife wants sex but can't talk to you about it. And I would imagine she feels fairly rejected at this point. You always wanted sex but grew very resentful of the way your wife was behaving in your relationship. To the point where she has now changed most of those behaviours but you still can't let the resentment go. If you have a problem in your marriage, it is less about sex and more about lack of openness, intimacy and communication. You guys need to figure out a way to be able to talk to each other honestly and openly about your feelings and see whether you can rebuild some trust. Then the sex will rekindle itself if it is still there, or it will be painfully obvious if it isn't.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 9:52:01 GMT -5
Thanks bballgirl!
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Cass
Junior Member

Posts: 22
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by Cass on Dec 30, 2016 12:34:08 GMT -5
Hello everyone. I just stumbled on this forum. Been with my SO for 9 years, 3 of which void of any sort of affection.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 30, 2016 15:00:22 GMT -5
Welcome, Cass . Good that you found the site. It's very validating to realize you aren't the only one with this problem, and find a group of folks who can relate and discuss the issue openly. Especially women get this impression because of the stereotype that "all men want sex, all the time", and it has a devastating effect on their self-esteem. Very often, folks come to realize the issue is much bigger than the symptoms that brought them to this site. As someone here astutely pointed out, there's no award for endurance. So, how do you plan to change the situation?
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Cass
Junior Member

Posts: 22
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by Cass on Dec 30, 2016 15:33:24 GMT -5
Welcome, Cass . Good that you found the site. It's very validating to realize you aren't the only one with this problem, and find a group of folks who can relate and discuss the issue openly. Especially women get this impression because of the stereotype that "all men want sex, all the time", and it has a devastating effect on their self-esteem. Very often, folks come to realize the issue is much bigger than the symptoms that brought them to this site. As someone here astutely pointed out, there's no award for endurance. So, how do you plan to change the situation? Honestly I don't know how I am going to proceed. I am glad to see that I am not the only one that is/has experienced this. No one realizes, including my SO, how damaging the constant rejection can be on someone's self esteem. I have tried taking to him, yelling at him, crying and pleading. Then I stopped asking thinking that maybe that may spark his interest if I just dropped the subject, but no. So here I am...
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 30, 2016 15:42:25 GMT -5
No one realizes, including my SO, how damaging the constant rejection can be on someone's self esteem. I have tried taking to him, yelling at him, crying and pleading. Then I stopped asking thinking that maybe that may spark his interest if I just dropped the subject, but no. So here I am... And that's where this forum comes in. Because we *have* been there. The rejection, the crushed self-esteem, the failed rational discussions, the arguing, the pleading. It sucks. And the whole issue is full of no-win situations. Say nothing? They think everything's fine. Say anything? You're pressuring them. Threaten divorce? They (maybe) offer emotionless duty sex. The root problem is, they are getting what they need from the marriage, and they aren't motivated to ensure you get what you need. It's unlikely you'll be able to motivate him -- he has to find a reason to be motivated himself. But why, if he's content? As you have time and energy, share your story in a new thread in the Sexless Marriage Issues section here, and folks will chime in with their perspectives. Cheers, DC
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 30, 2016 18:02:50 GMT -5
Cass - welcome. All I can say right now is, I'm sorry you found the need for the forum but really glad you found the resource. We have a great mix of people here but the core problem is still the same: being that the love of our life makes us feel unloved, we are tempted to believe ourselves unlovable. It is not YOU. Somehow our refusers become intimacy averse (maybe even start out this way w/o our noticing). Their behavior is not a reflection of your worth as a person. Everyone deserves love. Everyone deserves happiness. I hope you'll find information here that helps you figure out your way forward.
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Post by richfairy72 on Dec 31, 2016 6:44:07 GMT -5
Hello, greetings from the UK - I hope it is OK to post from the UK?!?
Anyway, thank you so much for this amazing forum - like many others I have repeatedly googled 'sexless marriage' and this appeared.
It is scary but reassuring to read all the posts on here - scary as it does not sound like things will change but reassuring to know I'm not alone. Maybe I'm not the fat ugly troll I think I am!
So my story is that I have been married to my husband for 16 years, dating for 23 years. I am his first partner, I had a couple of others before him. We are soulmates and very well matched, HOWEVER, as so many of you have said, the only thing that is missing is intimacy. I say that rather than sex, as both are connected and it's the lack of intimacy that bothers me more than sex. I feel we are room-mates and that I have never had that 'spark' back from him. I am incredibly attracted to him, but he just doesn't seem bothered. He HATES kissing - has never 'properly' kissed me - it grosses him out. It feels like everything is on his terms. over the years, if he wants sex then it happens, but if I initiate then I am rejected. If I try to go in for a kiss, he will back off. It feels like he is cuddling his Mum/a friend when he cuddles. I think he just needs someone to look after him and be with like a mum I suppose.
We have tried separating, about 4 years ago - his doing, as he had an 'emotional affair' with someone, which I discovered on Xmas day. I was devastated as I thought one day he would suddenly lose his inhibitions and be intimate properly. I went through hell for a few months (I am prone to depression) but got to the point of accepting a split, but somehow he persuaded me to stay together for the kids (age 14 and 11 now) sake. I really thought he would make the effort, but nothing.
It's always me trying to 'solve' the problem, but what I feel is worthless/fat/ugly/hideous and a total loser. I mean if my own husband can't bring himself to kiss me I must be bad.
I have wondered about Asperger's syndrome (my eldest son has a diagnosis) - that's the only way I can 'explain' it to myself and stay patient. However, what has led me to this is that I am feeling more and more depressed and lonely. ANd angry - I mean, why won't he just bloody well let his barriers down? And why won't he at least do the decency of talking properly to me about it? I'm always fobbed off by 'well I was tired/had a headache/we are in our 40s, no-one has sex any more' type answers. What I feel is that I am too unattractive to leave, no-one else will want me and I should look after him as per our wedding vows.
Phew, sorry I didn't expect all that to pour out! I think I just want to be loved by someone and it makes me sad that I am 44 and stuck.....
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Post by nancyb on Dec 31, 2016 7:16:36 GMT -5
Of course its okay for you to post here. There are people stuck in shithole sexless marriages from all over the world. Welcome to the forum. You will find plenty of people here who understand what you are going through. It sounds like you've been doing some reading. I sincerely hope you find the answers you are looking for rich fairy72.
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 31, 2016 7:23:12 GMT -5
Hello, greetings from the UK - I hope it is OK to post from the UK?!? Anyway, thank you so much for this amazing forum - like many others I have repeatedly googled 'sexless marriage' and this appeared. It is scary but reassuring to read all the posts on here - scary as it does not sound like things will change but reassuring to know I'm not alone. Maybe I'm not the fat ugly troll I think I am! So my story is that I have been married to my husband for 16 years, dating for 23 years. I am his first partner, I had a couple of others before him. We are soulmates and very well matched, HOWEVER, as so many of you have said, the only thing that is missing is intimacy. I say that rather than sex, as both are connected and it's the lack of intimacy that bothers me more than sex. I feel we are room-mates and that I have never had that 'spark' back from him. I am incredibly attracted to him, but he just doesn't seem bothered. He HATES kissing - has never 'properly' kissed me - it grosses him out. It feels like everything is on his terms. over the years, if he wants sex then it happens, but if I initiate then I am rejected. If I try to go in for a kiss, he will back off. It feels like he is cuddling his Mum/a friend when he cuddles. I think he just needs someone to look after him and be with like a mum I suppose. We have tried separating, about 4 years ago - his doing, as he had an 'emotional affair' with someone, which I discovered on Xmas day. I was devastated as I thought one day he would suddenly lose his inhibitions and be intimate properly. I went through hell for a few months (I am prone to depression) but got to the point of accepting a split, but somehow he persuaded me to stay together for the kids (age 14 and 11 now) sake. I really thought he would make the effort, but nothing. It's always me trying to 'solve' the problem, but what I feel is worthless/fat/ugly/hideous and a total loser. I mean if my own husband can't bring himself to kiss me I must be bad. I have wondered about Asperger's syndrome (my eldest son has a diagnosis) - that's the only way I can 'explain' it to myself and stay patient. However, what has led me to this is that I am feeling more and more depressed and lonely. ANd angry - I mean, why won't he just bloody well let his barriers down? And why won't he at least do the decency of talking properly to me about it? I'm always fobbed off by 'well I was tired/had a headache/we are in our 40s, no-one has sex any more' type answers. What I feel is that I am too unattractive to leave, no-one else will want me and I should look after him as per our wedding vows. Phew, sorry I didn't expect all that to pour out! I think I just want to be loved by someone and it makes me sad that I am 44 and stuck..... Hi richfairy , You are more than welcome here. Most here are from the US but not all. I live in Belgium and there are more from the UK as well as other countries here. I am sure you are not an ugly fat troll at all! Being rejected by your husband makes you feel that way. You say you are very well matched. I seriously doubt that. Of course he has good qualities, but to me it looks like he may be nice enough as just a friend, he is not being a life partner to you. Many here start by saying everything is great apart from sex. But usually that is not the reality. The lack of sex is something that is so clear to see. Other issues are more disguised. "it feels like everything is on his terms", you say. That is something almost everyone here can say of their spouse. They are controlling, and we - the deprived - are giving but left empty handed. You feel worthless you say, I assure you that you are not worthless at all. You are with the wrong man. The right partner for you would value you. I understand that you feel too unattractive to leave, because when your being put down constantly it is hard or impossible to maintain confident. I hope you will find the support you need here. We understand you.
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Post by unmatched on Dec 31, 2016 9:55:03 GMT -5
Hello, greetings from the UK - I hope it is OK to post from the UK?!? Anyway, thank you so much for this amazing forum - like many others I have repeatedly googled 'sexless marriage' and this appeared. It is scary but reassuring to read all the posts on here - scary as it does not sound like things will change but reassuring to know I'm not alone. Maybe I'm not the fat ugly troll I think I am! So my story is that I have been married to my husband for 16 years, dating for 23 years. I am his first partner, I had a couple of others before him. We are soulmates and very well matched, HOWEVER, as so many of you have said, the only thing that is missing is intimacy. I say that rather than sex, as both are connected and it's the lack of intimacy that bothers me more than sex. I feel we are room-mates and that I have never had that 'spark' back from him. I am incredibly attracted to him, but he just doesn't seem bothered. He HATES kissing - has never 'properly' kissed me - it grosses him out. It feels like everything is on his terms. over the years, if he wants sex then it happens, but if I initiate then I am rejected. If I try to go in for a kiss, he will back off. It feels like he is cuddling his Mum/a friend when he cuddles. I think he just needs someone to look after him and be with like a mum I suppose. We have tried separating, about 4 years ago - his doing, as he had an 'emotional affair' with someone, which I discovered on Xmas day. I was devastated as I thought one day he would suddenly lose his inhibitions and be intimate properly. I went through hell for a few months (I am prone to depression) but got to the point of accepting a split, but somehow he persuaded me to stay together for the kids (age 14 and 11 now) sake. I really thought he would make the effort, but nothing. It's always me trying to 'solve' the problem, but what I feel is worthless/fat/ugly/hideous and a total loser. I mean if my own husband can't bring himself to kiss me I must be bad. I have wondered about Asperger's syndrome (my eldest son has a diagnosis) - that's the only way I can 'explain' it to myself and stay patient. However, what has led me to this is that I am feeling more and more depressed and lonely. ANd angry - I mean, why won't he just bloody well let his barriers down? And why won't he at least do the decency of talking properly to me about it? I'm always fobbed off by 'well I was tired/had a headache/we are in our 40s, no-one has sex any more' type answers. What I feel is that I am too unattractive to leave, no-one else will want me and I should look after him as per our wedding vows. Phew, sorry I didn't expect all that to pour out! I think I just want to be loved by someone and it makes me sad that I am 44 and stuck..... Welcome to the club! Feeling 'worthless/fat/ugly/hideous and a total loser' is pretty much par for the course around here - that is what years of sexless marriage does to you. Luckily it almost certainly has no basis whatsoever in reality  The truth is, it is nothing to do with YOU and is all about him. Can I ask an awkward question? If you have never really had a good intimate relationship, what is it that makes you feel you are soulmates? And if he had an emotional affair with someone else but can't manage it with you, what does that mean? I guess you probably get on very well and manage your house very well and look after your kids very well and agree on lots of things (as long as you are willing to be reasonably flexible...). But you are clearly somebody who needs a deep emotional connection in your life and needs a fulfilling and ongoing sex life. If he doesn't want to give you that, and doesn't care that you don't have it, then I suspect he doesn't really 'get' you at all. Sorry if that was blunt, it is NY and I have probably had too much wine. But over and over again I see people (including me) feeling like they are soulmates with somebody who just doesn't experience life on the same level or in the same way that we do. And I wonder how much of it is our own projection rather than anything the other person actually has to offer.
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