archived introductions (Oct/Nov/Dec 2016)

Hi new to the forum, but unfortunately not new to sexless marriage. Sex with my wife has been on the decline 4-5 years and it seems to be getting worse rather than better.

Earthhorse - I know what you mean about even the prospect of being desired by someone, anyone, is heady. I had an abortive non-fling with a woman before Christmas (see previous posts...) and my god did it wake up something... and not just the obvious. I don't want to lose it again.

Thanks bballgirl!

Welcome, Cass . Good that you found the site. It's very validating to realize you aren't the only one with this problem, and find a group of folks who can relate and discuss the issue openly. Especially women get this impression because of the stereotype that "all men want sex, all the time", and it has a devastating effect on their self-esteem.

Very often, folks come to realize the issue is much bigger than the symptoms that brought them to this site.

As someone here astutely pointed out, there's no award for endurance. So, how do you plan to change the situation?

And that's where this forum comes in.  Because we *have* been there.  The rejection, the crushed self-esteem, the failed rational discussions, the arguing, the pleading.  It sucks.  And the whole issue is full of no-win situations.

Say nothing?  They think everything's fine.  Say anything?  You're pressuring them.

Threaten divorce?  They (maybe) offer emotionless duty sex.

The root problem is, they are getting what they need from the marriage, and they aren't motivated to ensure you get what you need.  It's unlikely you'll be able to motivate him -- he has to find a reason to be motivated himself.  But why, if he's content?

As you have time and energy, share your story in a new thread in the Sexless Marriage Issues section here, and folks will chime in with their perspectives.

Cheers,
DC

Hello, greetings from the UK - I hope it is OK to post from the UK?!?

Anyway, thank you so much for this amazing forum - like many others I have repeatedly googled 'sexless marriage' and this appeared.

It is scary but reassuring to read all the posts on here - scary as it does not sound like things will change but reassuring to know I'm not alone.  Maybe I'm not the fat ugly troll I think I am!

So my story is that I have been married to my husband for 16 years, dating for 23 years.  I am his first partner, I had a couple of others before him.  We are soulmates and very well matched, HOWEVER, as so many of you have said, the only thing that is missing is intimacy.  I say that rather than sex, as both are connected and it's the lack of intimacy that bothers me more than sex.  I feel we are room-mates and that I have never had that 'spark' back from him.  I am incredibly attracted to him, but he just doesn't seem bothered.  He HATES kissing - has never 'properly' kissed me - it grosses him out.  It feels like everything is on his terms.  over the years, if he wants sex then it happens, but if I initiate then I am rejected.  If I try to go in for a kiss, he will back off.  It feels like he is cuddling his Mum/a friend when he cuddles.  I think he just needs someone to look after him and be with like a mum I suppose.

We have tried separating, about 4 years ago - his doing, as he had an 'emotional affair' with someone, which I discovered on Xmas day.  I was devastated as I thought one day he would suddenly lose his inhibitions and be intimate properly.  I went through hell for a few months (I am prone to depression) but got to the point of accepting a split, but somehow he persuaded me to stay together for the kids (age 14 and 11 now) sake.  I really thought he would make the effort, but nothing.

It's always me trying to 'solve' the problem, but what I feel is worthless/fat/ugly/hideous and a total loser.  I mean if my own husband can't bring himself to kiss me I must be bad.  

I have wondered about Asperger's syndrome (my eldest son has a diagnosis) - that's the only way I can 'explain' it to myself and stay patient.  However, what has led me to this is that I am feeling more and more depressed and lonely.  ANd angry - I mean, why won't he just bloody well let his barriers down?  And why won't he at least do the decency of talking properly to me about it?  I'm always fobbed off by 'well I was tired/had a headache/we are in our 40s, no-one has sex any more' type answers.  What I feel is that I am too unattractive to leave, no-one else will want me and I should look after him as per our wedding vows.

Phew, sorry I didn't expect all that to pour out!  I think I just want to be loved by someone and it makes me sad that I am 44 and stuck.....

Hi richfairy , You are more than welcome here. Most here are from the US but not all. I live in Belgium and there are more from the UK as well as other countries here.
I am sure you are not an ugly fat troll at all! Being rejected by your husband makes you feel that way.
You say you are very well matched. I seriously doubt that. Of course he has good qualities, but to me it looks like he may be nice enough as just a friend, he is not being a life partner to you.
Many here start by saying everything is great apart from sex. But usually that is not the reality. The lack of sex is something that is so clear to see. Other issues are more disguised. "it feels like everything is on his terms", you say. That is something almost everyone here can say of their spouse. They are controlling, and we - the deprived - are giving but left empty handed.
You feel worthless you say, I assure you that you are not worthless at all. You are with the wrong man. The right partner for you would value you. I understand that you feel too unattractive to leave, because when your being put down constantly it is hard or impossible to maintain confident. 
I hope you will find the support you need here. We understand you.