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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2016 21:01:14 GMT -5
Don't produce more kids...it happened several times here...as soon as refused starts to plan get out...his/her refuser suddenly magicaly cured from asexuality and all other issues preventing him/her of having sex...everybody happy...till the moment a new pregnancy announced...and the trap shut up for next time...usually a decade at least... whuffo, a lot of women (especially refusers) get pregnant on purpose so they can trap a man (or force him to stay.)
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2016 21:05:20 GMT -5
shamwow, welcome. It sounds like you are on the right track.
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Post by whuffo on Dec 18, 2016 23:27:43 GMT -5
whuffo - agree on stopping her princess life. Holy crap. That woman has it GREAT. I am an Army brat. My mom was a SAHM - she did everything where we girls were concerned. TBH - I love my daddy, but I barely remember him from our childhood while he was in the military. He had important work! I cannot imagine any military wife taking her role as such, so callously. She is simply unpatriotic. You deserve to not have to do ANY of what you do, weekly (at least) blow jobs and bi-weekly sex. She has a provider and a protector as a husband. She should cherish every moment that you're home and make it happy for YOU. She needs friends in the same boat, and she needs to hang out with them OFTEN - maybe it will rub off on her. Maybe. Omg. She makes me so mad!!! My dad would never have had to call for one of our appointments!!!! Argh. I am more pissed off about your situation than most. Military life is a special beast. Time to take her comfy life away. Fuck her.
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Post by whuffo on Dec 18, 2016 23:37:16 GMT -5
Thanks for the sentiment. It's certainly a different life and one that I love. Glad to hear your Dad was so important to you. I try to have a very special relationship with my kids but it makes it difficult when I'm rushing around everywhere, with a non-stop "to-do" list. Anyway, it's great to have found a place to vent and find folks who understand (men AND women) the plight of the unsexed! This is a topic that's difficult to bring up, so thank you all!
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Post by whuffo on Dec 18, 2016 23:37:49 GMT -5
Don't produce more kids...it happened several times here...as soon as refused starts to plan get out...his/her refuser suddenly magicaly cured from asexuality and all other issues preventing him/her of having sex...everybody happy...till the moment a new pregnancy announced...and the trap shut up for next time...usually a decade at least... whuffo , a lot of women (especially refusers) get pregnant on purpose so they can trap a man (or force him to stay.)
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Post by whuffo on Dec 18, 2016 23:39:00 GMT -5
Sounds strangely familiar... I've apparently fallen victim to this one!
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Post by petrushka on Dec 19, 2016 1:02:30 GMT -5
So, a I off my rocker when I have had a difficult time with trying to leave? My refuser is a stay at home mom, and would have a difficult time on her own. Plus we have kids, and I'm military, so not many judges would give the kids to me in a divorce. But on the flip side, she's been so masterful in her manipulation that, even though I'm the one bringing home the bacon,I am also the one who gets the kids up and ready for school, delivers her breakfast to her in bed, since she doesn't usually get out of it that early, takes the kids to school, then rushes to work, where I usually get at least one phone call or email from her with some request that I need to fulfill (ie, calling to make an appointment for her or a kid, etc), then leave work early, rush back across town to get the kids, get them home, then make dinner, again, usually delivered to her in bed, get the kids ready for bed, then sleep and do it all again the next day... that's the usual day in our household, yet I still feel bad for her. Is this common or am I just got completely insane? Unfortunately it is not all that uncommon: this is the M.O. of a certain type of refuser/abuser. Thought of the day: you could let the judge know that you're the primary care giver in any event, irrespective of being the earner and bringing homer of bacon at the same time. One thing I would predict with some degree of certainty: it doesn't matter if your wife is a manipulating bitch or a quivering lump of useless protein who can't cope: It's highly unlikely that she'll suddenly get her shit together and step up to the plate. I just haven't seen that happen in a single relationship that follows your pattern. All you have to do is to imagine yourself living through the next [insert number] of years and then decide if you want to go *really* through that, and if you can hold it together. Don't forget: you get exactly ONE life. No reset button, no replay. Do you want to piss it up against the wall? Sometimes we have obligations. I looked after my parents for years and years. And when it got too much, I drew the line.... and I do not apologize, do not feel guilty and life is a lot better in some respects.
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Post by whuffo on Dec 19, 2016 1:40:55 GMT -5
Great insight brother. Heading out is certainly what I been considering. Not ever getting to discuss this issue with folks who don't quite understand the dynamics and challenges this type of dysfunction presents has made it difficult to understand what's "right". Glad to find out place that demonstrates that what I've felt isn't wrong. I greatly appreciate everyone's comments. Pretty validating, and from reading through this forum, a common thing folks see.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 19, 2016 8:27:09 GMT -5
shamwow, our stories are so similar! No military for me, and I have six teens. Some straight shooting advice for you. Two years is way to long. Get started now. I have heard a story or two about military divorces, not pretty. Long and dragged out. Get as much attorney advice as you can. My youngest was 12 also. Just turned 13. Two lines from my therapist that apply to you. Carve these into your brain. 1) You have gone above and beyond to save your marriage, your wife has put forth ZERO effort. 2) There is not even a dying ember there left to start a flame. You two are giving a terrible example of what a healthy, working, relationship/marriage, should be for your children. Now from me to you: Think of the true person you really are. That has been stolen from you for 20 years. Time to start giving it back to your kids. Time to start taking, taking it back for YOURSELF! (If you don't quit you can't loose!) They are going to go wild over there REAL father. Sleep on that tonight!!! Fun dad, exciting dad, dad your making me laugh, hey everybody, I want you to meet my dad! Dad your here, your the best! I think you will find this article (and many others) very useful. shrink4men.com/2012/04/05/putting-women-on-pedestals-dont-do-it/Thanks, greatcostal. I'm not in the military, but you make some great points. The funny part is my original "plan" had me leaving after 6 years. As you may imagine, I was depressed as hell about that, but it seemed the best thing for the kids. I'm less worried about my daughter, but more worried about my son. At 16, she is a bit more resilient than a 12 year old. As you may have realized by now, my kids are the most important thing to me in this whole scenario and have been following your advice even before I met you The kids and I have been on 2 major road trips in the past 6 months (mom stayed home). The first one was from Texas to the Grand Canyon, and the second was from Texas to Arkansas. My daughter had a learner's permit and we've racked up over 3000 miles across 6 states now. Keeping her safe on the road is one of the things I know I can do to build a bond, and as she becomes an adult, those bonds are the main thing that will keep us together. That is especially true when I do my exit plan. My son is into just about every sport you can imagine. If it has a ball, he is into it. I honestly can't stand sports, but I make sure I run the chains at his football games, do score keeping at his basketball games, and run the clock at his basketball games. I don't do it because I love the sports....I do it because I love my son. Being a great dad who is there for them is something I should do regardless, but it has also been a great salve for my psyche as I have dealt with my ever distant wife. I never speak badly of her (other than the typical stuff like "where is mom, she's running late"). It is hard sometimes not being able to talk with my kids about it, but they are my kids. If I need to talk to someone, I have friends and some family. And now, it appears, I have other people who are going through the same thing!
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Post by shamwow on Dec 19, 2016 8:37:06 GMT -5
shamwow , welcome. It sounds like you are on the right track. Thanks smartkat. The Sham Wow name was a screen name I used when playing Call of Duty online with friends. We all picked names of various "as seen on TV" products, so you'd see messages flashing across the screen like: "Sham Wow" killed "The Snuggie" or "Slap Chop" killed "Sham Wow" made it a bit more fun. Of course, I also did a thousand variations of it. I would change my name to things like: "Shamma Lamma Ding Dong" "The Shamsake Redemption" "Shambo" "Shamtilly Lace" "Shambacca" etc...
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Post by Dan on Dec 19, 2016 9:07:03 GMT -5
... I was raised was to be a man of my word. When I pledged "till death do us part" I was giving my word I would follow through. However, as I thought more about it, that vow comes at the end of the promise. When the rest of the contract ("have and hold", "honor and love", etc...) is broken, why should the duration mean anything anymore. So last spring, I decided to start planning my exit... ... My exit plan basically consists of letting her know this summer that I am no longer operating under "till death till we part" assumption. We've got 2 more years before my daughter turns 18. .... It is only the prospect of getting out of this marriage that has gotten me into that final state of acceptance. I am no longer depressed. I drink less, spend a ton more quality time with my kids, and am getting back in shape. You know, the things that a healthy and happy person does. It might be a bit scary to be starting over in my mid 40's, but it is absolutely terrifying to picture myself in my 60's with 20 more years of a shitty excuse of a marriage. Thanks for the great intro. On "till deal do us part": you have come to the point it takes many of us months on the forum to get to. Said another way: "the refuser is the one who left the marriage first; the vows are already broken." (Some use that as a justification for outsourcing, as well.) On tipping your hand, and "letting her know this summer": my own choice on this is to "let her know" when the exit plan is complete: the papers are drawn up; I have a new place to live; all my financial and household matters are basically ready to pull the trigger. I'm NOT going to "give her notice" two years in advance. In some sense that would be "fairer" and allow us time to make reasonable plans for a reasonable split... but she will not take this lightly, or be reasonable. She will be angry, hurt, and worse. I have no intention of spending a few years under that cloud of vinegar. You may wish to consider this as you calculate the time between "telling her" and serving papers/moving out. On acceptance: I'm with you 100%. I know why I'm still here: I want to finish launching my kids, in this house, with her help. But acceptance that I plan to "move on" is helping me focus on health and doing -- as you say -- what a healthy and happy person does. Props to you that you have gotten to that point!
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Post by shamwow on Dec 19, 2016 11:35:22 GMT -5
Dan,
Thanks for the good advice. I probably didn't phrase it properly. When I say I plan on giving "notice" next summer, I fully plan on having all my ducks in a row first. Once you ring that bell, it cannot really be un-rung.
I've been getting my affairs organized now for a few months (and man, there are more "ducks" than I thought there would be) now. I've gotten all of the financial statements, shopped around for apartments, looked up child support in my state, worked out details with my business partner, and even did some preliminary budgeting for after the fact.
What I have not done is see an attorney yet. Yes, I know that is probably the first thing I should have done, but I haven't gotten a lawyer yet for a few reasons:
- Scared... Getting a lawyer is in a way the first "real" step. Not easy to admit, but it's the truth. - I'd rather go to the attorney already organized and use him/her for the "mechanics" of the divorce rather than have him tell me obvious things I need to do - Aside from a hopefully free consultation, I don't have a bunch of cash available (she does the books in the family) to covertly retain the services of an attorney. I'm working on that too, but it takes time.
I figure I will get a lawyer sometime in the spring just to make sure I am prepared on that front.
Basically, when I give notice, it will be on my terms, but look for a solution that is as much win/win as possible for both of us. Lots of carrot...If she decides to go nuts? Well, I will have the stick ready.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2016 16:26:51 GMT -5
shamwow , welcome. It sounds like you are on the right track. Thanks smartkat. The Sham Wow name was a screen name I used when playing Call of Duty online with friends. We all picked names of various "as seen on TV" products, so you'd see messages flashing across the screen like: "Sham Wow" killed "The Snuggie" or "Slap Chop" killed "Sham Wow" made it a bit more fun. Of course, I also did a thousand variations of it. I would change my name to things like: "Shamma Lamma Ding Dong" "The Shamsake Redemption" "Shambo" "Shamtilly Lace" "Shambacca" etc... Oh, I remember the Shamwow "as seen on TV." Come on now, admit it: you know you wanted the Pajama Jeans!
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Post by shamwow on Dec 19, 2016 16:35:02 GMT -5
Unfortunately, I picked up the Sham Wow name before he was arrested for beating up a hooker. But I never saw the Pajama Jeans...doesn't sound very comfortable, though...
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 22, 2016 6:57:23 GMT -5
Thanks for the welcoming committee, bball and geekgoddess. Although it's not very comforting to think it's only been 8 years and I'm here, I can only imagine what it's like for those in the higher number range. What helped in making that final determination to execute the exit plan, for those that have done it? For me it was nearly 14 years until I started 'outsourcing', which helped a great deal to execute my exit plan 4 months ago. My marriage has been a disaster in many ways, but I stayed so long because of several reasons. I thought I couldn't leave. Looking back, it was a long process of letting go until I could leave. I had to let go of the thought I HAD to stay. let go of hope the relation could ever be good enough to stay. let go of feeling responsible for HIS choices, mistakes, inabilities etc. etc. let go of fear of what all could happen if I left, because my life with him had become so unbearable that it was not likely to going to be much worse if I left. let go of the thought that I couldn't do it. I had to start thinking that I could do this, that I WOULD do this, until I did. let go of wanting to be the nice one. I have to be the 'bad guy' now, I don't like it but there is no nice way to choose for myself. let go of my daughter. I don't want that, but I have to have faith that eventually she will understand. I hope she will come to stay with me but not likely that will happen soon. Apart from letting go I had to start thinking new thoughts too: That I had a right to leave this unhappy situation that it was impossible to keep everyone happy and that it was okay to think of myself first. This does not make me a bad person. Eventually I took the leap.
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