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Post by h on Jun 11, 2017 12:29:55 GMT -5
This is exactly how I feel like he will say I was totally unsympathetic to his ED, that I just wanted dick. All I want is a man who won't fall asleep during a bj and will at least act like he's enjoying it. Doesn't help when my ex boyfriend tells me he'd sell his soul for one more. Shit, it's been over a decade since I had my last full complete bj from the W. The craziest​ thing is my previous relationship was with a HL gf. She came back to visit hey home town (I still live her), I slightly mentioned how long it has been since a bj as we were reminiscing about old times. She looked down seeing the toddler asleep and gave me the look. If I wasn't in denial of my best near SM, I would have made a deal with the devil. At least you can say that you've received a full and complete bj at some point in time. I still never have. I got a few timid licks during a handjob longer ago than I can remember and that was the only time my W has touched me with her mouth anywhere other than on my face.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 23, 2017 7:24:22 GMT -5
Update to where my marriage is at.
We have gone to 2 couples therapy sessions. I am starting to believe she is working on changing her view of sex, from a "wife's duty" to something that she can enjoy and bring us together. I have to deal with my baggage that I collected from the years of rejection, so while the W can speak my love language (touch), it is painful for me to unpack my emotions to reciprocate her needed words of affirmation. But we are working thru it, while I am bad at returning words of affirmation to her, I am trying and I can do her 2nd love language of quality time. I have implemented and she agreed with turning off all electronics and putting down books at 9pm, unless we are using them in our discussion.
She still can't open the bedroom up to all the activities that I needed, but her motivation of the existing activities has changed and there is a dramatic bump in activity level. We might go thru the 12 box of condoms before the end of the month, normally the 6 pack would last around 2 months. Part of the reason why she has issues opening up the bedroom is her learned behavior from her parents. Her parents marriage became a SM when she was around 10 years old. I on the other hand I knew my parents were having sex thanks to my parents having a cheap flexible bed frame with the beds back up to almost a common wall (small bathroom in between that acted like a drum) and as a kid walking in on my mom doing oral. While I am cringing at the images and sounds coming back up in my mind, I am glad they modeled a healthy sexual relationship.
For those staying in your sexless marriage for the kids, please consider the modeled behavior and what your kids are learning from it. The W is going thru issues and pain because her parent stayed together in a sexless marriage and she viewed it as a normal healthy thing.
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Post by h on Jun 23, 2017 10:59:09 GMT -5
Update to where my marriage is at. We have gone to 2 couples therapy sessions. I am starting to believe she is working on changing her view of sex, from a "wife's duty" to something that she can enjoy and bring us together. I have to deal with my baggage that I collected from the years of rejection, so while the W can speak my love language (touch), it is painful for me to unpack my emotions to reciprocate her needed words of affirmation. But we are working thru it, while I am bad at returning words of affirmation to her, I am trying and I can do her 2nd love language of quality time. I have implemented and she agreed with turning off all electronics and putting down books at 9pm, unless we are using them in our discussion. She still can't open the bedroom up to all the activities that I needed, but her motivation of the existing activities has changed and there is a dramatic bump in activity level. We might go thru the 12 box of condoms before the end of the month, normally the 6 pack would last around 2 months. Part of the reason why she has issues opening up the bedroom is her learned behavior from her parents. Her parents marriage became a SM when she was around 10 years old. I on the other hand I knew my parents were having sex thanks to my parents having a cheap flexible bed frame with the beds back up to almost a common wall (small bathroom in between that acted like a drum) and as a kid walking in on my mom doing oral. While I am cringing at the images and sounds coming back up in my mind, I am glad they modeled a healthy sexual relationship. For those staying in your sexless marriage for the kids, please consider the modeled behavior and what your kids are learning from it. The W is going thru issues and pain because her parent stayed together in a sexless marriage and she viewed it as a normal healthy thing. Wow! You used to get 3 times a month and it's going up from there!? Very jealous. I got 3 times last month and that's an improvement. It's slowly improved since our discussion but still frustratingly​ infrequent. When we got married, one of her friends got us a couple boxes of condoms as a wedding gift. More than half of them expired before we used them.
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My story
Jun 23, 2017 13:02:59 GMT -5
h likes this
Post by hopingforachange on Jun 23, 2017 13:02:59 GMT -5
hI am being optimistic with the prior frequency.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 23, 2017 14:18:41 GMT -5
The W started her feelings about sex changes a few months ago. Thankfully, the first marriage sex book that happened semi christian based, spoke to her and she wanted to change. It hasn't been an easy process for either of us even before the therapy.
The therapy helped her understand what damage was done to me and why I can't flick a switch with accepting her change, why I am still on guard all the time and the amount of pain built up. It has also helped me realize that I have emotionally withdrew as a coping mechanism. The therapy has also spurred us to talk honestly and opening about our marriage. We have talked about emotionally important things more in the past 2 weeks then we have in year.
It is an emotionally draining process, that for me is painful since all the emotions that I burred inside me, need to come out for me to express my current feelings. For her is is left emotionally raw at times because looking back she now realizes how much pain she caused. The change in our marriage and sex life was able to happen because she wanted to change.
I am not declaring my marriage saved or the sex life where is needs to be yet, but we are heading in the right direction.
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Post by h on Jun 23, 2017 14:30:15 GMT -5
Which book was it that finally broke through? I've got a stack of books here and I'm wondering if I have that one.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 23, 2017 14:39:28 GMT -5
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Post by csl on Jun 23, 2017 17:02:21 GMT -5
The W started her feelings about sex changes a few months ago. Thankfully, the first marriage sex book that happened semi christian based, spoke to her and she wanted to change. It hasn't been an easy process for either of us even before the therapy. The therapy helped her understand what damage was done to me and why I can't flick a switch with accepting her change, why I am still on guard all the time and the amount of pain built up. It has also helped me realize that I have emotionally withdrew as a coping mechanism. The therapy has also spurred us to talk honestly and opening about our marriage. We have talked about emotionally important things more in the past 2 weeks then we have in year. It is an emotionally draining process, that for me is painful since all the emotions that I burred inside me, need to come out for me to express my current feelings. For her is is left emotionally raw at times because looking back she now realizes how much pain she caused. The change in our marriage and sex life was able to happen because she wanted to change. I am not declaring my marriage saved or the sex life where is needs to be yet, but we are heading in the right direction. One of the bloggers on my page writes about realizing what she did to her husband, and the climb out of the SM she had created. Her blog might be something that your wife needs.
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Post by baza on Jun 23, 2017 18:54:21 GMT -5
An instance such as described by Brother csl - where the avoidant spouse had an unsolicited epiphany and started doing something about it of their own volition - would show quite a bit of potential I think. And in such circumstances it would behove the refused spouse to chuck their full weight of support behind the avoidant spouse. Can't say as I recall too many - if any - examples in this group of an avoidant spouse acting in such a manner.
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Post by csl on Jun 23, 2017 21:23:16 GMT -5
An instance such as described by Brother csl - where the avoidant spouse had an unsolicited epiphany and started doing something about it of their own volition - would show quite a bit of potential I think. And in such circumstances it would behove the refused spouse to chuck their full weight of support behind the avoidant spouse. Can't say as I recall too many - if any - examples in this group of an avoidant spouse acting in such a manner. 1 - Bro. hopingforachange tells of his wife's epiphany, which is great, but he also expresses a very natural reaction, having to deal with his hurts over the decades. I'd like to say that it's all comes out sunshine and unicorns, but truth be told, everyone internalizes their pain differently. Example A - a wife, after 20 years refusing/gatekeeping, turned it around, and two years in, came to the hubs crying and asking his forgiveness for being a bad wife. Hubs A told her there was nothing to forgive, and they continued growing together. Example B - a wife discovered that her husband that she refused for 23 years was having an emotional affair with a woman who appreciated his qualities. Like so many refusers have told iLIASM denizens, she DID love him, and so tried to win him back. He became angry over the idea that "you could have had sex with me during that time period but didn't?" He bailed in anger. So, yes, I do agree that it would behoove a refused spouse to get behind a reforming avoidant (love that word choice, btw), but it's going to come down the the emotional make-up of the refused. Too hurt, or not too hurt? That is the question. (Can't believe I did that.) 2 - a few months ago we discussed this. Yeah, I get that a reformed avoidant is the proverbial unicorn here on ILIASM. But like I said back then, and others commented as well, there is a built-in sex component in religion that gives us a leg-up. Some call it coercion, but at least on the surface, sex in marriage is expected. I see that the wife of Bro. hopingforachange was brought up short by a book from a sex-positive Christian blogger. I do celebrate the rumored sightings of another unicorn in the Christian world, an occurrence that has reached the ears of far-off ILIASM.
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My story
Jun 23, 2017 23:58:27 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by mrslowmaintenance on Jun 23, 2017 23:58:27 GMT -5
The W started her feelings about sex changes a few months ago. Thankfully, the first marriage sex book that happened semi christian based, spoke to her and she wanted to change. It hasn't been an easy process for either of us even before the therapy. The therapy helped her understand what damage was done to me and why I can't flick a switch with accepting her change, why I am still on guard all the time and the amount of pain built up. It has also helped me realize that I have emotionally withdrew as a coping mechanism. The therapy has also spurred us to talk honestly and opening about our marriage. We have talked about emotionally important things more in the past 2 weeks then we have in year. It is an emotionally draining process, that for me is painful since all the emotions that I burred inside me, need to come out for me to express my current feelings. For her is is left emotionally raw at times because looking back she now realizes how much pain she caused. The change in our marriage and sex life was able to happen because she wanted to change. I am not declaring my marriage saved or the sex life where is needs to be yet, but we are heading in the right direction. One of the bloggers on my page writes about realizing what she did to her husband, and the climb out of the SM she had created. Her blog might be something that your wife needs. Do you happen to have a link?!
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 24, 2017 6:15:23 GMT -5
An instance such as described by Brother csl - where the avoidant spouse had an unsolicited epiphany and started doing something about it of their own volition - would show quite a bit of potential I think. And in such circumstances it would behove the refused spouse to chuck their full weight of support behind the avoidant spouse. Can't say as I recall too many - if any - examples in this group of an avoidant spouse acting in such a manner. It's hard to be fully supportive of my W. Emotionally, I had to ball everything up inside to survive. Now I have to deal with the feelings to support my W and to be a good H. My W primary love languages are words of affirmation and quality time. I have a hard time with words of affirmation because while she is being a good wife now, I have to deal with her being a bad W for a decade+. So, my compliments are awkward as I navigate my emotions. But I can do quality time easily and be emotionally presents for our discussions.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 24, 2017 7:02:53 GMT -5
The W and I started joking around about it mariage and sex last night. We agreed we are making it easy on the therapist since we have been talking so much and have had sex every night since our last session.
I don't think we have ever had sex 4 nights in a row. (+2 nights of playing with each other). While I know we won't be able to keep the streak alive forever, we both acknowledged that right now, it it's creating a great positive feedback cycle that even the W wants to keep going. I give her the needed quality time and can work on pealing back my layers. She is having her needs forefilled and wants to to have sex and skin to skin that I need to. Which reinforces me opening up.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 24, 2017 8:31:47 GMT -5
Oh my goodness hopingforachangeDoes she understand that not having sex with you is her telling you she doesn't love you? You feel rejected? Isolated? Depressed? Does she understand sexual abandonment is reason for divorce and one of the major reasons for divorce in this country? Is she willing to work on her issues to keep the marriage? and my final question.... What are you doing for YOU? How are you taking care of yourself?
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 24, 2017 8:42:27 GMT -5
Oh my goodness hopingforachangeDoes she understand that not having sex with you is her telling you she doesn't love you? You feel rejected? Isolated? Depressed? Does she understand sexual abandonment is reason for divorce and one of the major reasons for divorce in this country? Is she willing to work on her issues to keep the marriage? and my final question.... What are you doing for YOU? How are you taking care of yourself? Yes she does, all of those emotions have been discussed during therapy or during our nightly talks. Now she feels bad about how much pain she caused over the years. Just a few months ago I started doing activities that I enjoyed again but I had to limit what I could do as I recover from surgery.
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