archived introductions (June 2017)

Here's my intro, some of which you already know:

I am 35, have been with H for 10 years, married for 5. We have a 2 year old. We have not had sex since the night of conception, so 3 years of   forced celibacy now.

Someone previously wondered if the Madonna-Whore complex was at play here since the complete lack of sex coincides with parenthood but the truth is we have never had a good sex life. Even in the early stages of dating I could feel something was 'off' - I never felt like he truly enjoyed it and could sense almost a sort of reluctance whenever we did anything sexual. And it was always initiated by me. Even then it was infrequent and I was disappointed but I convinced myself things would get better. I should have paid attention to the red flags because things have just gotten worse through the years.

H also has very bad back problems. He has had 2 back surgeries and it has effected everything we do (and don't do). For years the excuse was that sex brought on such bad back pain that it would leave him out of commission for the next day+. And it was true - it did, even when I did all the "work". But his 2nd surgery finally worked to relieve the pain and he also lost about 40 pounds, also helping the pain. But the sex did not increase.

Another large issue contributing to our sexual dysfunction was 3 years of infertility. Sex on a schedule and then sex dictated by doctors when going through infertility treatments does not lead to sexual fulfillment and once we finally conceived we never got back into a natural sex life. But this has been his choice, not mine.

We have talked about our issues and he knows I am unhappy with our SM. I think he is in denial or unwilling to truly listen to how badly this negatively effects me. I know he feels guilt. Last year we did go to couples therapy and made some progress on our emotional connection. There, it was also revealed that he had been sexually abused as a child. He will not tell me anything about the abuse as he says it is too painful for him. He did work on his own with a therapist in regards to this but after 9 months we moved for his job and have not picked up on therapy where we left off despite me requesting it multiple times.

At this point I have a lot of resentment and anger built up. I am questioning what I want - I know I want a fulfilling sex life but I don't even know if I want it with him anymore or not. It is hard to be open and willing and vulnerable with the person who has made you feel shitty about yourself for years. But at the same time, I am not ready to give up on our marriage. I still want to try to make things work and to see if we can make progress. I do not know yet what I am willing to live with and not live with.

And finally, I will add the cliche: He is a great father. He is a great provider. He is a good person with many redeeming qualities. But he has no interest in sex with me. Or intimacy for that matter. I suspect he is asexual. When I have asked him about it previously he said he's "not sure". I take that to mean "possibly/probably/yes, but I don't want to admit it to myself or to you".

Hi. I am new here. I am a 63 year old married man who has been in a sexless marriage for about 5 years. Before my wife through menopause we had an awesome sex life. But it has fell off a cliff since then. She told me recently that she doesn't care if she never has sex again. It's not me she says, it's her--desire is gone and physically sex hurts. Early on we tried everything but hormonal therapy which she won't because of a breast cancer scare a few years ago. 

I am am very sad and frustrated. Over the years I have had numerous opportunities to have affairs while traveling for work and never was interested because we had such a great marriage in so many ways, including sex. We still love each other and the life we have built together but as I think of the rest of my life without intimacy and sex I want to scream. I am at wits end. I have even seen a therapist to try and cope with this. Ugh!!!

Unfortunately choosinghappy I can say from my own experience that the resentment builds to a point where whilst one side of your psyche is constantly craving resolution to the SM, and restarting, the other half of you loses desire for the actual person who has delivered the problem - the partner. I think it was this 'revelation' that told me the whole thing was truly finished with, because if my partner woke up one day and wanted passionate sex, I would say no, because I just dont fancy her anymore. Its the ultimate irony.

New here but an old story.  We've become roommates.  Looking for solutions and/or solace. 

Neither hot nor cold?

Hi to everyone. After lurking for many years on TAM, I was reading a post that referenced this forum, immediately did a search and here I am!!

I've spent the last day reading and reading and reading so many posts that I could swear you're all doppelgangers! So, I won't bore anyone with the details of my SM, other than to echo the sentiments of all on the shitty end of this stick; that it sucks big time.

I found folks at TAM are very judgemental and from 99% of what I've read here, most seem to be of the same mindset. That something needs to change. I look forward to getting to know you all a bit better and contributing to threads/posts.

For the record...........I'm at a point now in my SM that I'm pretty well ready to dissolve the marriage. Non-stop merry-go-round. 21 years married, been SM pretty well the entire time.