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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 22, 2017 22:19:01 GMT -5
Hi to everyone. After lurking for many years on TAM, I was reading a post that referenced this forum, immediately did a search and here I am!! I've spent the last day reading and reading and reading so many posts that I could swear you're all doppelgangers! So, I won't bore anyone with the details of my SM, other than to echo the sentiments of all on the shitty end of this stick; that it sucks big time. I found folks at TAM are very judgemental and from 99% of what I've read here, most seem to be of the same mindset. That something needs to change. I look forward to getting to know you all a bit better and contributing to threads/posts. For the record...........I'm at a point now in my SM that I'm pretty well ready to dissolve the marriage. Non-stop merry-go-round. 21 years married, been SM pretty well the entire time. What's TAM? |
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bigbossfan
Junior Member
Posts: 26 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by bigbossfan on Jun 23, 2017 4:48:54 GMT -5
Hi to everyone. After lurking for many years on TAM, I was reading a post that referenced this forum, immediately did a search and here I am!! I've spent the last day reading and reading and reading so many posts that I could swear you're all doppelgangers! So, I won't bore anyone with the details of my SM, other than to echo the sentiments of all on the shitty end of this stick; that it sucks big time. I found folks at TAM are very judgemental and from 99% of what I've read here, most seem to be of the same mindset. That something needs to change. I look forward to getting to know you all a bit better and contributing to threads/posts. For the record...........I'm at a point now in my SM that I'm pretty well ready to dissolve the marriage. Non-stop merry-go-round. 21 years married, been SM pretty well the entire time. What's TAM? Talk About Marriage website. |
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bigbossfan
Junior Member
Posts: 26
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by bigbossfan on Jun 23, 2017 4:50:20 GMT -5
Hi to everyone. After lurking for many years on TAM, I was reading a post that referenced this forum, immediately did a search and here I am!! I've spent the last day reading and reading and reading so many posts that I could swear you're all doppelgangers! So, I won't bore anyone with the details of my SM, other than to echo the sentiments of all on the shitty end of this stick; that it sucks big time. I found folks at TAM are very judgemental and from 99% of what I've read here, most seem to be of the same mindset. That something needs to change. I look forward to getting to know you all a bit better and contributing to threads/posts. For the record...........I'm at a point now in my SM that I'm pretty well ready to dissolve the marriage. Non-stop merry-go-round. 21 years married, been SM pretty well the entire time. There has been some judgy stuff as of late, but (overall) the group is really supportive. Go back a month or two and read a bit! Or send some people a private message that have a similar story for that you may be able to get advice from. I wasn't specific enough.............don't ever talk about "outsourcing" there. The pitchforks will be out in record time! LOL  Good luck! |
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Post by nancyb on Jun 23, 2017 13:35:49 GMT -5
Welcome to the Forum all newcomers.  I hope you find some solace here. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 27, 2017 18:42:16 GMT -5
Hi to everyone. After lurking for many years on TAM, I was reading a post that referenced this forum, immediately did a search and here I am!! I've spent the last day reading and reading and reading so many posts that I could swear you're all doppelgangers! So, I won't bore anyone with the details of my SM, other than to echo the sentiments of all on the shitty end of this stick; that it sucks big time. I found folks at TAM are very judgemental and from 99% of what I've read here, most seem to be of the same mindset. That something needs to change. I look forward to getting to know you all a bit better and contributing to threads/posts. For the record...........I'm at a point now in my SM that I'm pretty well ready to dissolve the marriage. Non-stop merry-go-round. 21 years married, been SM pretty well the entire time. Welcome. I'm sorry you are in this situation but you have found a very supportive group. |
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Post by lwoetin on Jun 27, 2017 20:02:14 GMT -5
Hi to everyone. After lurking for many years on TAM, I was reading a post that referenced this forum, immediately did a search and here I am!! I've spent the last day reading and reading and reading so many posts that I could swear you're all doppelgangers! So, I won't bore anyone with the details of my SM, other than to echo the sentiments of all on the shitty end of this stick; that it sucks big time. I found folks at TAM are very judgemental and from 99% of what I've read here, most seem to be of the same mindset. That something needs to change. I look forward to getting to know you all a bit better and contributing to threads/posts. For the record...........I'm at a point now in my SM that I'm pretty well ready to dissolve the marriage. Non-stop merry-go-round. 21 years married, been SM pretty well the entire time. I was at TAM some also and folks there were pretty helpful with my marriage, but yes some are nasty when it comes to cheating. But the site wasn't too exciting. It's like listening to professionals analyze marriages, and they're good. It was also good in that it was about sex in marriage, and not only sexlessness. You will like it here better. People here are crazy and attitude towards sex is sexier. |
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hotmale
New Member
Looking for answers
Posts: 3
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by hotmale on Jun 28, 2017 12:54:05 GMT -5
This is so liberating. Reading some of the introductions strikes a massive chord with me. Anyway hello everyone, on with the introduction:
I turn 50 in 3 days and I've been married nearly 22 years. With hindsight the signs were all there before we were married. We'd already dropped to once or twice a month by then and didn't even have sex on our wedding night. Since then it got less and less frequent. It was always something she let me do rather than something she wanted to do. The occasions when she would even consider it reduced down to just sunday mornings and then it was unexciting. In the end I gave up trying a year ago and she was never the one to initiate things.
She told me she wasn't physically attracted to me after we'd been married for two years. And it came as no real surprise, I'm no Hollywood heart throb! But it's not just that - she just has interest in sex with anyone, not just me.
I'm still attracted to her and she is a fantastic mother. But we run the family and home like a business not like a couple. It's really getting me down and I need to do something about it.
That's me!
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Post by prayinghopingwishing on Jun 28, 2017 13:55:39 GMT -5
Hi,
Not really sure where to start, but want to introduce myself. My story is a lot like most people's on here from what I can tell. I am in a sexless marriage (over 15 yrs) which has really brought me down and taken away my self-confidence. He is very cold and unemotional towards me. It started about 5 years ago and hasn't gotten any better or worse--just the same cold treatment every single day. I feel helpless and depressed which has led to me gaining weight and feeling even worse about myself. It's become a viscous cycle. I've tried a few anti-depressants, but the side effects are awful and I wind up weaning myself off of them. Going to the dr. next month and will ask for another. We've gone to couples therapy in the past. Things get better for a little while, then everything goes back to the way they were. I don't know what else to say for now other than thanks for reading!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2017 14:15:59 GMT -5
This is so liberating. Reading some of the introductions strikes a massive chord with me. Anyway hello everyone, on with the introduction: I turn 50 in 3 days and I've been married nearly 22 years. With hindsight the signs were all there before we were married. We'd already dropped to once or twice a month by then and didn't even have sex on our wedding night. Since then it got less and less frequent. It was always something she let me do rather than something she wanted to do. The occasions when she would even consider it reduced down to just sunday mornings and then it was unexciting. In the end I gave up trying a year ago and she was never the one to initiate things. She told me she wasn't physically attracted to me after we'd been married for two years. And it came as no real surprise, I'm no Hollywood heart throb! But it's not just that - she just has interest in sex with anyone, not just me. I'm still attracted to her and she is a fantastic mother. But we run the family and home like a business not like a couple. It's really getting me down and I need to do something about it. That's me! Welcome Hotmale, You have found your way to a group of people who understand exactly what you are going through. Read, post & comment, and you will find that you are not alone. When you are ready, start a thread on SM or any of the other places. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2017 14:17:24 GMT -5
Hi,
Not really sure where to start, but want to introduce myself. My story is a lot like most people's on here from what I can tell. I am in a sexless marriage (over 15 yrs) which has really brought me down and taken away my self-confidence. He is very cold and unemotional towards me. It started about 5 years ago and hasn't gotten any better or worse--just the same cold treatment every single day. I feel helpless and depressed which has led to me gaining weight and feeling even worse about myself. It's become a viscous cycle. I've tried a few anti-depressants, but the side effects are awful and I wind up weaning myself off of them. Going to the dr. next month and will ask for another. We've gone to couples therapy in the past. Things get better for a little while, then everything goes back to the way they were. I don't know what else to say for now other than thanks for reading!
Welcome PHW!! Yes, sexual refusal is devastating to a person's self-esteem. You have found a group of people who know exactly what you are going through and are willing to listen & help When you are ready, you may want to post your story on the SM board or anywhere else. |
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bigbossfan
Junior Member
Posts: 26
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by bigbossfan on Jun 28, 2017 15:19:45 GMT -5
This is so liberating. Reading some of the introductions strikes a massive chord with me. Anyway hello everyone, on with the introduction: I turn 50 in 3 days and I've been married nearly 22 years. With hindsight the signs were all there before we were married. We'd already dropped to once or twice a month by then and didn't even have sex on our wedding night. Since then it got less and less frequent. It was always something she let me do rather than something she wanted to do. The occasions when she would even consider it reduced down to just sunday mornings and then it was unexciting. In the end I gave up trying a year ago and she was never the one to initiate things. She told me she wasn't physically attracted to me after we'd been married for two years. And it came as no real surprise, I'm no Hollywood heart throb! But it's not just that - she just has interest in sex with anyone, not just me. I'm still attracted to her and she is a fantastic mother. But we run the family and home like a business not like a couple. It's really getting me down and I need to do something about it. That's me! Welcome to ILIASM. We are all "sufferers" here. Your story sounds very similar to mine...except my ritual is that when it does happen (which is rarely), it's always gotta be Sunday nights!! Talk about taking any excitement out of it!! Anyway, welcome to the club. I'm very new here too and have done a lot of reading. I suggest you do the same, alot of helpful discussion here. |
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laura
Junior Member
Posts: 72 
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by laura on Jun 28, 2017 18:20:04 GMT -5
Sorry for the late reply... ... I am badly entangled financially and logistically. Even with no kids the situation is incredibly complicated. A divorce would be catastrophic to both our lives. Staying in a sexless marriage with the life and sex drive you seem to have will also be catastrophic... no? ... Nevertheless, I am at a crossroads. We are in the midst of moving to a much smaller place to simplify our lives. As soon as we get moved, he plans to go 1,000 miles away for the summer to take some classes and to just be in a climate he likes better. I will be alone for months, going to school but otherwise free and alone. Now is time for big decisions. What to do? You are moving to a smaller place... but are you moving to a smaller town? I hoping that you still have access to current friends, family, and close enough to a town with a strong number of Meetup activities that you can stay busy and keep your friend corral full. If he HAS moved you away from your friends, family, and away from a decent size city... then I fear for your sanity, and question if the move -- and his plan to be 1000 miles away -- was actually calculated to isolate you. Is this a possibility? The distance from him might be an inadvertent blessing: what does your life feel like without him? What kind of friends and relationship will you find yourself in once he is that far away? If you are 100% committed to remaining faithful to him, well, he has got a gem (in you) of inestimable value that he is totally ignoring (and I might even argue "he doesn't deserve"). If you are not so committed to that... how on EARTH do you think you are going to get through this time without seeking the joys of a rekindled sex life with someone else??? Dan, I agree with you about the move. I am moving from a small town to another small town, but not far away. I have deep roots here and he has been on a campaign for years to move far far away to where I don't know anyone. I had the same concern about it, that I would be cut off from support and I would totally lose my grip on reality. Of course he swears everything would be better and he would be a different person if only we lived in a different climate, away from my family, blah blah blah. Luckily, I've put a stop to it for now. He was using the idea of an impending long distance move to keep me in permanent limbo and I got fed up with it. I enrolled in school here and he agreed to buy a cheap few acres near the school. By some measures it is a pretty sweet deal! How many college girls get to have a horse farm 15 minutes from campus? I may be in a rural place, but there have been several drop-in visits by local guys who heard he was out of town and came to see if I "needed anything." It is incredibly difficult to be good. I can't justify cheating when leaving is possible. I'm not sure where the hard line is that would justify leaving either. I believe in honoring commitments, but I'm literally pacing the floor. It would be easy to slip. How does it feel with him gone? I'm suddenly seeing my friends again! I get more done because I don't have to worry how he'll pick apart whatever I do. At the end of the day I can relax and have a beer and if I enjoy the sunset there is no one around to grunt in distain and ruin it. And I miss him anyway. I remember that I also get so much done because he bought and maintained all the equipment and set things up to be easier for me before he left. He does a lot for me, just not the things I truly need. I try to take it the way I think he means it. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 29, 2017 8:01:45 GMT -5
lauraIt is good that you didn't move away. I suspect good plan was to socially isolated you inorder to gain more control over your since you would have to be dependent on him.
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Post by hungrylikethewolf on Jun 30, 2017 13:26:04 GMT -5
Late 40's here. Been with the same woman for nearly 30 years. Some of the years sexless (by definition) some not. Many close.
I lover her and my family and my life. So, divorce is out of the question. But so is an Open Marriage (her call, not mine) So, here I am stuck.
Over the years, I have tried all variations of outsourcing. Some worked better than others but none are really lasting solutions. I am also a recovering alcoholic (many years sober) so I believe in the Serenity Prayer (even though I'm atheist) Serenity to accept the things I can't change, Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.
So, I'm in the Serenity phase now, but I am still looking to make it a little better than celibacy. My current view of a solution is to find a woman who is in a similar situation, who might want an online thing that may be a combo friend/lover and then maybe a couple times a year meet in real life. So a long-term FWB with no drama.
I know, I know...total needle in a haystack! I'd love to here how any of you survive, other than being miserable. I won't go there. Life is too short not to be happy 🙂 Looking forward to chatting with you all! |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2017 15:08:58 GMT -5
Late 40's here. Been with the same woman for nearly 30 years. Some of the years sexless (by definition) some not. Many close.
I lover her and my family and my life. So, divorce is out of the question. But so is an Open Marriage (her call, not mine) So, here I am stuck.
Over the years, I have tried all variations of outsourcing. Some worked better than others but none are really lasting solutions. I am also a recovering alcoholic (many years sober) so I believe in the Serenity Prayer (even though I'm atheist) Serenity to accept the things I can't change, Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.
So, I'm in the Serenity phase now, but I am still looking to make it a little better than celibacy. My current view of a solution is to find a woman who is in a similar situation, who might want an online thing that may be a combo friend/lover and then maybe a couple times a year meet in real life. So a long-term FWB with no drama.
I know, I know...total needle in a haystack! I'd love to here how any of you survive, other than being miserable. I won't go there. Life is too short not to be happy 🙂 Looking forward to chatting with you all! I am sorry that you believe that divorce is not an option. That is a decision that each person has to make. I agree that outsourcing is really just a temporary solution. Your idea of a long term FWB may be better. Anyway, welcome and you will find that people here understand your situation and are very supportive. |
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I hope you find some solace here.
