archived introductions (June 2017)

Thanks Dan.

tiffanyc
Oh how interesting, so you are the low libido in your relationship?

If so, you will find a lot of information here on how such a situation can affect your husband (H). I am going to forewarn you, the information may make you feel really bad for a time. I hope you can continue reading, exploring and learning because there is a lot to be said. I applaud your willingness to seek help to try and repair the damage that is there (for both of you).

I hope you do not see some of the things said about refusers and get turned away, we are a nice bunch of people (I swear it hahaha) but as a starter I have some questions if you feel like answering:

Did you notice a change in yourself or in him when your sex life started to decrease? If so, did it worry you or did you feel it would pass?

Do you and your H talk about sex? How often?

Is oral sex still a part of your relationship?

Do you still sleep in the same bed, talk about the future and/or enjoy each other's company?!



Good luck, I really hope that we can help you make your marriage what you both want it to be

Hi there! So happy I found this site. I am 37 yo and in a SM with my 48 yo H. We're going on 9 years married and many more together. When we first were involved we had a crazy amount of sex. It was wild and spontaneous and fantastic. It continued into our marriage. I think about 4 yrs ago it started to fade. The last 2 yrs have been dwindling down to nothing. I think we've had sex MAYBE once this year. For the first time ever about 8 months ago he had an erection problem. I didn't make a big deal about it but he was really upset about it. We waited awhile and it happened again. So I talked with him about going to the Dr. he was really against that and said he didn't need too. I suggested that we get toys then.. he said ok but has since said we don't need them. Then we tried to have sex another time and he had no issues so now he feels everything is a-ok. Even though he's afraid to try again in fear that the issue will resurface. So here we are in the 6th month of the year and I've had sex once. I try not to make a big deal about it but my sex drive has not gone down at all. I find myself becoming interested in other men. I haven't acted on it, but I feel very lonely. My H has gained weight as well and I try to get him up and moving with me but he just groans about it. He'll go with me, but it's such a chore to get him out for a walk that I end up not enjoying it myself. We also have had some financial troubles which I realized can be a huge contributor to stress.. hence not wanting sex. I keep telling him that sex is a great stress reliever thou!! He just has zero interest. He doesn't flirt with me, he doesn't complement me.. it's like he has grown so used to me that I'm just not interesting to him anymore. I really crave the attention and I've had other men flirt with me recently. It's very hard to not act on it. If I try to talk to him about how much I want him and want sex he just says 'I know, I want you too' but nothing happens. If I initiate he pulls away bc he's afraid of an issue happening again (both times it happened, I was the initiater) He won't go to the Dr. Or get toys for us. What am I supposed to do? I honestly do love him dearly. He is such a sweet guy. I just need some passion and desire in my life...

It sounds like he is in a depression. Equipment issues can really fuck with your brain and start the cycle downwards.
Luckily for me, the wife told me, either you go talk to your Dr about your depression on your own, or I am unleashing your mother on you. (Mom can be a steamroller)

So for me it started the process of fixing me depression, which in turn, allowed me to work on figuring out that the near SM was my biggest contributor. The wife wasn't ready for the marriage disruption that making us both confront the issues has cause.

Maybe a 2 sided approach is needed for your H. Get him to see the Dr for possible depression and a ED medican. But porch the ED medican as something to ensure his mind it won't happen again and after a while he can try not taking when his mind is not worried.

After having troubble 2 times in a row, the worry is still on him mind.

TIffanyc said, "My hubby is a runner and more athletic than I am. When we go places and a woman who looks good walks by he says something like "I'm sorry but damn." I don't say anything but it hurts. I've told him this and it's like he doesn't hear it or doesn't get it. Even though I'm married and I love my husband, I feel lonely. I can't talk to anyone in family about this because I'm worried it will inadvertently get back to him.I also deal with depression that stems from having lost my father at 15 and the unresolved issues. I still battle it but it's manageable and I don't need medication for it thankfully. It does creep up on me from time to time, but I have ways of battling it back."

Your husband is being deliberately cruel by making such statements. I'm sure that when you are with your husband, you see men all of the time who are very good looking. I'm sure you don't swivel your head and say, "I'm sorry, but damn." You don't do that because you would not deliberately say something that would hurt your husband. It is not that your husband doesn't hear or "get it" when you have told him such remarks are hurtful. He is doing such remarks on purpose because he wants to hurt you. You do not have to take it. You can honor yourself by telling him point blank that the next time he makes such a remark, you are leaving his company even if it means exiting a restaurant and taking a cab home. Then you have the self respect to follow through.

You are lonely because (from what I can figure out from your story), you are choosing to base your social life on your husband and perhaps your family. Your husband in general is indifferent to you, ignores you or criticizes you. He also has very different interests than you, and demonstrates no interest in your interests. A major reason that I suggested that you get a job is that making some money -- even in a crappy job -- is a way of feeling and being more independent. Even a part time job could pay for the drug your doctor has suggested would boost your libido. Even a crappy part time job can lead to new friendships and more of a feeling of appreciation. In addition, it would make it easier for you to transition to a single life if your marriage were to end for any reason including your husband's demise, something that happens even to young, healthy-appearing men.

If a job definitely isn't something you'll try, then get involved in some kind of interesting activity that will get you out of the house and interacting in real life with other people. This could be volunteer work with a cause that you care about. It could be getting involved in meetup.com, which has a variety of groups. For instance, you might find it helpful to be in a reading club or a club for writers. Start one if there aren't any in your area. If your area lacks meetup, then start a writers or reading group at your local library.

Again, I suggest that you get individual therapy. You are depressed and have low self esteem. You also are in a toxic environment due to your husband's behavior. You said that "luckily" you don't need antidepressants. I don't understand why you say "luckily" or how you were evaluated. After decades of depression that surfaced again and again despite my having had some excellent therapy, I finally accepted antidepressants. I got them after being evaluated by a psychiatrist, the only medical practitioner in the US who has been fully trained to prescribe them. He did so after extensively intereviewing me and analyzing my laboratory tests. As is typical, he started me on a very low dosage, far below the recommended dosage. Then, he gradually increased it. Once I reached the recommended level, my life literally changed. I no longer constantly felt a little sad or had at the back of my mind the thought that life was not worth it. As for my libido, while some people have no libido or ability to climax when taking certain antidepressants, that didn't happen to me. If it had happened, I would have let my doctor know and I would have tried either a different medication or taken medication vacations -- time off the drug.

I still had a strong libido and could climax. I also had a normal range of emotions. Antidepressants aren't happy pills nor do they cause people to have no emotions.

On another thread, you said that your husband basically said that if you loved him, you'd change for him. He said he fears that if your marriage ends, you'll change for another man. Truth is that you deserve a man who loves you the way you are, not a man who wants you to change your natural way of being and become a woman who wears lots of make-up and works out a lot. What your husband is asking of you is similar to if you wanted him to become a man who -- instead of enjoying going to the shooting range -- preferred to spend his time reading and writing books. If that's the kind of husband you want him to be, you'd have married the wrong man. The same is true of him.

I continue to suspect there is another woman in your husband's life. She could be someone he works with. She could be someone he connects to via the Internet. She even could be his coworker or a buddy's wife that your husband has an unrequited crush on. Whatever is going on, he is not being fair or kind to you. And you deserve better. Your not wanting to have sex with him is a natural response to a man who is not treating you well.

Good quote by Eleanor Roosevelt to remember and live by: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Whatever is going on, your marriage is in serious trouble, the kind of trouble that indicates it may end in divorce. Here's information about the "4 horsemen" that indicate a marriage may be headed for divorce in a few years.

The first horseman of the apocalypse is criticism. Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint! The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack: it is an attack on your partner at the core. In effect, you are dismantling his or her whole being when you criticize.....

The second horseman is contempt. When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean – treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless."

You've described a marriage with at least those 2 "horsemen." The others are defensiveness and stonewalling. More info: www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Thanks for the welcome