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Post by twotimesone on Dec 19, 2017 16:38:32 GMT -5
See - that's the thing: the refused is the "bad person" for outsourcing, but the refuser never has any stigma assigned. SM is one of those cases where doing nothing, sets in motion all kinds of bad - yet leaves the person causing it to walk away looking totally innocent while everyone blames the victim. That's why rule #1 is be sneaky about and try not to get caught. And it is best if you do it with someone who is not involved in your personal life. Looking at the Post SM forum, some find happiness, some don't find happiness, my intention is not to be in that category until later in my life. Like I said, being with my W, I don't want to be emotionally involved in a relationship. |
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Post by shamwow on Dec 19, 2017 20:39:49 GMT -5
... At this point, I don't think it will get better ever ... Props to you for figuring this out. In my case it took 2 and a half decades of marriage, and then about three years on this forum and its predecessor. I hope your journey was shorter than mine. I also hope you can find a resolution that suits you. Me: still working on it. You're pretty slow though, Dan. It only took me 2 decades. 😉 |
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 19, 2017 21:40:49 GMT -5
Props to you for figuring this out. In my case it took 2 and a half decades of marriage, and then about three years on this forum and its predecessor. I hope your journey was shorter than mine. I also hope you can find a resolution that suits you. Me: still working on it. You're pretty slow though, Dan. It only took me 2 decades. Twenty-three years before I stopped trying to fix it. Two decades seems pretty normal, and I would not have made any progress over the last year without finding this forum and others like it. |
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New here
Dec 20, 2017 7:04:10 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by shamwow on Dec 20, 2017 7:04:10 GMT -5
You're pretty slow though, Dan. It only took me 2 decades. Twenty-three years before I stopped trying to fix it. Two decades seems pretty normal, and I would not have made any progress over the last year without finding this forum and others like it. I agree that after a couple decades this kind of appears "normal". |
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Post by wom360 on Dec 20, 2017 8:59:17 GMT -5
Op, you need a girlfriend.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 20, 2017 9:53:41 GMT -5
I really, really don't get why you would be even slightly concerned about her dating again. But if you are then you could do everything possible to place her in the middle of a group of asexual males/females and encourage her to develop relationships within that group. There may be considerable potential for her to form a bond with someone who shares other interests she has while also having no desire to engage in acts of intimacy.
Recently I was car shopping and talking with an older sales guy. Short story we got to talking about dating. He related to me he was no longer interested in sex but enjoyed the company a woman when attending social functions or going to the theatre. So when looking for potential dates he sought out candidates who were like minded and did not want sex. So there are others out there who might make good candidates to partner with your W.
Like anyone who re-enters the dating game, she will just have to take her chances on finding someone compatible with her view on intimacy.
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dd
Junior Member
Posts: 50 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Dec 20, 2017 12:45:42 GMT -5
Op, you need a girlfriend. Relating to that, my wife has made mentions how with other cultures men have 2 "wives". One for non-sex wife stuff, then the second wife who is more for the sex stuff. To me that seems like her ideal relationship in theory, at least until the second female would be there. At that point jealousy would probably rear it's ugly head. Regarding different sexual acts, she's commented "You'll have to get that elsewhere". Of course, in a passing comment, easy to say. But in general practice, again probably not something she'd be real fond of if I start getting all happy about leaving the house to go hookup in a way she doesn't want to entertain. |
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dd
Junior Member
Posts: 50
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Dec 20, 2017 12:46:06 GMT -5
I really, really don't get why you would be even slightly concerned about her dating again. But if you are then you could do everything possible to place her in the middle of a group of asexual males/females and encourage her to develop relationships within that group. There may be considerable potential for her to form a bond with someone who shares other interests she has while also having no desire to engage in acts of intimacy. Recently I was car shopping and talking with an older sales guy. Short story we got to talking about dating. He related to me he was no longer interested in sex but enjoyed the company a woman when attending social functions or going to the theatre. So when looking for potential dates he sought out candidates who were like minded and did not want sex. So there are others out there who might make good candidates to partner with your W. Like anyone who re-enters the dating game, she will just have to take her chances on finding someone compatible with her view on intimacy. Good point. I probably shouldn't worry about this as much. |
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Post by h on Dec 20, 2017 13:27:45 GMT -5
Op, you need a girlfriend. Relating to that, my wife has made mentions how with other cultures men have 2 "wives". One for non-sex wife stuff, then the second wife who is more for the sex stuff. To me that seems like her ideal relationship in theory, at least until the second female would be there. At that point jealousy would probably rear it's ugly head. Regarding different sexual acts, she's commented "You'll have to get that elsewhere". Of course, in a passing comment, easy to say. But in general practice, again probably not something she'd be real fond of if I start getting all happy about leaving the house to go hookup in a way she doesn't want to entertain. Maybe you should seriously ask her about that scenario. |
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Post by M2G on Dec 20, 2017 13:59:56 GMT -5
Relating to that, my wife has made mentions how with other cultures men have 2 "wives". One for non-sex wife stuff, then the second wife who is more for the sex stuff. To me that seems like her ideal relationship in theory, at least until the second female would be there. At that point jealousy would probably rear it's ugly head. Regarding different sexual acts, she's commented "You'll have to get that elsewhere". Of course, in a passing comment, easy to say. But in general practice, again probably not something she'd be real fond of if I start getting all happy about leaving the house to go hookup in a way she doesn't want to entertain. Maybe you should seriously ask her about that scenario. I would say the same - take her up on it. Don't be in the same room with both of them - but yeah, if she means it's cool, great - if it's just a mean spirited remark it will teach her not to be flip Ha Ha That, and you don't have to sneak around. |
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Dec 20, 2017 20:54:13 GMT -5
Your deal is no different than many others here. Indeed you could have been describing my life story. Baz is right regarding on the probable reasons your wife wants to keep you around. Sex is not one of them.
Read up here. The options available to you will become very clear.
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dd
Junior Member
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Dec 20, 2017 23:03:39 GMT -5
Relating to that, my wife has made mentions how with other cultures men have 2 "wives". One for non-sex wife stuff, then the second wife who is more for the sex stuff. To me that seems like her ideal relationship in theory, at least until the second female would be there. At that point jealousy would probably rear it's ugly head. Regarding different sexual acts, she's commented "You'll have to get that elsewhere". Of course, in a passing comment, easy to say. But in general practice, again probably not something she'd be real fond of if I start getting all happy about leaving the house to go hookup in a way she doesn't want to entertain. Maybe you should seriously ask her about that scenario. The difficulty is at this point we don't even talk about sex. She knows it's an issue and says she wishes it would be different for her. When I do want to discuss it, she gets short and abrupt. Unusually so. Normally she's a talk about it person, but definitely not on the topic of sex. |
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dd
Junior Member
Posts: 50
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Dec 20, 2017 23:04:17 GMT -5
Your deal is no different than many others here. Indeed you could have been describing my life story. Baz is right regarding on the probable reasons your wife wants to keep you around. Sex is not one of them. Read up here. The options available to you will become very clear. Seems like most of these stories all appear the same. |
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Post by baza on Dec 20, 2017 23:52:15 GMT -5
That's because they ARE the same Brother dd . Names change, but the core story repeats and repeats. A dysfunctional marriage, often dysfunctional from the get go, usually with a history of 5 years minimum, the incompatability well entrenched, and the big symptom of the underlying dysfunctionality (sex), having - unsurprisingly - departed the scene. Incompatible people don't fuck each other. Incompatible people do not magically become compatible. Where you go from there is one of three ways. You choose to stay. (far and away the most usual choice, particularly initially) You choose to stay and cheat. (a reasonably common choice) You choose to leave. (the least likely choice - at least initially) They are all perfectly legitimate choices. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Dec 21, 2017 0:08:42 GMT -5
I agree dd that the next time she makes a flippant comment about you “finding xyz-sexual-need elsewhere”, call her on it and ask if she’s serious. With her comments about polyamory maybe she actually WOULD be okay with you getting those needs met elsewhere. |
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