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Post by thistooshallpass on May 4, 2017 20:33:47 GMT -5
If I'm to be really honest here, I'd have to say that I'm entirely responsible for getting myself into the situation that I'm in now. Even if I wanted to, I can't blame my W for any of this. She is who she is. Mind you, it's not as bad as some of the situations that I've read about on this forum, but it's not good either. It's all relative, I suppose. Being married to a refuser is far worse. Regardless, it's all on me. For one reason or another, I was the one that made the choices that put me in a sexless marriage. I basically didn't think things through. I lacked foresight. I didn't stop to consider the downsides or the future negative ramifications that my choices might have. I was the one that ultimately made those choices. To err is human, I suppose. The most that I can do at this point is to not be so hard on myself. So self-forgiveness is in order. My heart was in the right place. Anyway, I was always a high-libido kind of guy. Initiating came natural to me. And it was enough for me (for a long while) to be with someone that never said no. But it slowly dawned on me that a sexual relationship should be more than just about one person initiating and the other person just going along for the ride. No pun intended. I simply lacked the experience to know that you can't dance a good tango with a starfish. In fact, starfish don't even know how to tango. They actually don't even like to tango. Ever see a starfish taking tango lessons? But seriously ... It was my choice to marry a starfish woman. They make great friends. But they are awful lovers. Most of them are actually asexual. But it's more than just about sex. Right? Unfortunately, intimacy tends to not be their thing either. If I had thought carefully about the long range implications of marrying an asexual starfish woman, as opposed to marrying a woman with at least some of the sexual energy (and touchy-feeliness) of a Bonobo, I would have seriously reconsidered the whole thing. But now is now and those choices have been made. Lessons learned. Carefully considered choices to be made. So, here I am, hoping that I will be welcomed into your group with open Bonobo arms. Thanks for reading. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in. Read a lot and I hope the support helps. Thanks for the welcome, BBallgirl! |
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Post by lyn on May 4, 2017 20:40:30 GMT -5
Hi Lyn! If I had to reincarnate into an animal in my next life, I would want to be a Bonobo. They have awesome sex lives and seem to enjoy intimacy. What animal would you be, and why? Hi thistooshallpass. I thought you were calling women in general bonobos - my bad lol. Bonobos are adorbs yes..... LOVE them! But, I think I would come back as a Koala. Super cute and cuddly, get to have fun and climb trees all day, carry their adorable little minchkins on their backs, chomp on yummy eucalyptus all day while chomping off the hand of any predator too close for comfort (or even someone that annoys them - CHOMP) Lol |
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Post by thistooshallpass on May 5, 2017 7:19:35 GMT -5
Hi Lyn! If I had to reincarnate into an animal in my next life, I would want to be a Bonobo. They have awesome sex lives and seem to enjoy intimacy. What animal would you be, and why? Hi thistooshallpass . I thought you were calling women in general bonobos - my bad lol. Bonobos are adorbs yes..... LOVE them! But, I think I would come back as a Koala. Super cute and cuddly, get to have fun and climb trees all day, carry their adorable little minchkins on their backs, chomp on yummy eucalyptus all day while chomping off the hand of any predator too close for comfort (or even someone that annoys them - CHOMP) Lol Seems to me like CHOMPing would be your favorite thing to do. I don't know ... hmmm. That doesn't give me an image of cute and cuddly. Are you sure you wouldn't want to be an alligator (or crocodile) instead? Then you can chomp on things all day, AND also perform the dreaded "death roll". That could be a lot of fun. For you. However, you wouldn't be able to climb trees. Something to think about, I guess. ;-) |
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laura
Junior Member
Posts: 72 
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by laura on May 5, 2017 23:30:43 GMT -5
I’ve been lurking for a few days and it is time to introduce myself. This is a long one, and I apologize if it is unreasonably so. I could hardly stop once I started writing. I feel like I’ve already learned a lot about some of the people here by lurking, so maybe it is appropriate to give a longer introduction of myself.
I live in a sexless marriage. When I look back to the beginning, I can see that the signs were always there. It didn’t seem to be a deal breaker then because he still responded when I initiated and the sex was fairly good when it happened. Besides, everyone says marriage isn’t supposed to be about sex and we had so much else in common. If that were not enough, my dad was dying a slow and awful death at the time and I just wanted my other relationships to be stable and safe. I couldn’t think straight back then or see the red flags that are so obvious now.
Once we got married all physical and emotional intimacy just stopped overnight. When I touched him he would get hard immediately, but push me away saying something like “get off me, I’m tired.” It wasn’t just sex, there was no touch at all. He even bought a bigger bed to avoid touching me accidentally. I tried countless times to talk to him about it. I read all the books and tried all the things. It did not matter how I approached the topic, he put me off or, if he couldn’t avoid me, he’d explode with rage and spew cruel put-downs. I’ve begged him to come to counseling with me. He won’t go. I went alone for months, but finally felt I’d done all I could on my own.
For the first year of our marriage I thought we were going through a rough adjustment, but I still had hope (and occasional sex). For the next two years I could talk him into having sex about once every three months. For those two years I felt terribly hurt and rejected, despondent even. Now in the fourth year I have just stopped expecting or trying to have a real marriage. We sleep separately and I don’t try to initiate sex or reach out for emotional intimacy. I’m deliberate about staying cheerful, but superficial with him. I do this to protect myself.
Since I stopped nagging him for sex we have gone almost an entire year without. The weird thing is, this strategy of totally withdrawing has actually made things better in a lot of ways. He has been calmer since I gave up on him. The yelling and insults have stopped and he has become more affectionate and kinder. It is like he can finally relax now that I don’t want or expect anything from him. We are actually living in his comfort zone.
Since adjusting my expectations I am no longer so anguished over the rejection, but I deeply resent him for what he has taken from me. It is not just what I can’t have but also what I can’t give that saddens me. Living this way is a slow numbing death.
I am badly entangled financially and logistically. Even with no kids the situation is incredibly complicated. A divorce would be catastrophic to both our lives. Even worse, he’s turned into a pretty good partner since I gave up on him as a lover. Now I don’t want to lose the good part of what we have. Living this way is agony and I feel panicked when I think of the years that have already whizzed past me. Rejection like this fogs the mind. I’m sure you all know exactly what I mean.
Nevertheless, I am at a crossroads. We are in the midst of moving to a much smaller place to simplify our lives. As soon as we get moved, he plans to go 1,000 miles away for the summer to take some classes and to just be in a climate he likes better. I will be alone for months, going to school but otherwise free and alone. Now is time for big decisions. What to do?
I didn’t mean to start a book here, so I’ll cut myself off for now. I see from reading this board that our situations are not rare, yet it is so incredibly isolating to deal with this. I’m very glad to have found you all.
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Post by unmatched on May 5, 2017 23:50:15 GMT -5
Hi laura, Sorry to see you here. Firstly, things aren't better - you just surrendered to his idea of what your life should be like. How much would you like to bet that if you start asserting that you are a human being with actual needs and desires he won't turn into a disgusting, abusive pig again? That is not a relationship, that is him keeping you in a cage. It is like having a dog. If the dog behaves itself then you pet it and you give it treats and you let it sit at your feet while you watch TV. If the dog starts trying to be independent then you 'train' it until it realises how much better life is when it is doing what you want. But you are not a dog. And this isn't a marriage - it is abuse, pure and simple. To quote you, 'living this way is a slow numbing death', but 'I don't want to lose the good part of what we have'. There are no good parts that can possibly outweigh what you are describing. Maybe you could sit down with a piece of paper and write down what all those good parts are, and question them hard. And maybe also think about how much each of those good parts is dependent on you submitting your life and your soul to him. I know it is easy to say this from the outside, but you are in your early thirties and only four years into this marriage. I would suggest that any negative impact from a divorce might be considerably less catastrophic than finding yourself still sexless and married to an abuser in 5, 10 or 30 years time. And my last suggestion - while you are figuring this out for yourself, whatever you do (and unlikely as it may seem!), do NOT let yourself get pregnant.  |
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Post by baza on May 6, 2017 0:13:01 GMT -5
You have discovered that you are in an ILIASM shithole marriage, bereft of intimacy, connection and sex - and that's to be your foreseeable life from here on.
To me, that really IS a "catastrophe".
Given a solid plan and discipline, you can sort out your finances.
But you can't fix an ILIASM shithole.
The idea of him moving 1,000 mile away is about the only bright spot in your story.
That absence will provide the opportunity for you to have a really good think about what you want in your future.
Embrace that opportunity.
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Post by merrygoround on May 6, 2017 0:18:45 GMT -5
Hello laura and although I am sorry that you find yourself here, you will absolutely find comfort, understanding and support. Typical isn't it - when it's supposed to be about compromise, but in the end it's only one sided happiness for them when we are finally broken down and bent into their shape of how they want to live. Not surprised in the least of him being comfortable and happy. Anyway, welcome.x |
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Post by nolongerlonely on May 6, 2017 2:17:16 GMT -5
Hi Laura
sorry you are here too, but hope you can use the resource to help support you. I've not been here long either and have taken great strength from some of the information and stories/opinions and possible solutions to our plight. I'm also entangled in a financial and logistical nightmare and have felt this way for a number of years. The forum has taught me a couple of things about that but I think the biggest bonus has been in restoring my self-esteem having spent alot of time thinking that this was all because of me. And it isnt. And dont worry about your book ! Once I get started it can soon become all sorts of endless rubbish, but its also felt great to put it all down. Far less expensive than a therapist too !
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Post by dinnaken on May 6, 2017 2:36:58 GMT -5
Hi Laura,
I'm sorry to hear your story. I can identify with much of what you say and so many of the phrases you've used - not much sex before the marriage dropping to zero afterwards. A death in the first year of the marriage, "It didn't seem a deal breaker", "everyone says marriage isn’t supposed to be about sex and we had so much else in common", "I thought we were going through a rough adjustment" and so on.
A difference is that I am 20+ years down the line from where you are now. I stayed, it hasn't been fun. It didn't get better. You don't get the years back.
You are not alone, use this forum to vent and then get advice & sound out ideas.
Do not get pregnant.
If your husband is moving 1000 miles away, use the space and time, that that will give you, wisely.
Get informed, make a plan, your finances can be sorted out.
Good luck and keep posting
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Post by allworkandnoplay on May 6, 2017 14:06:58 GMT -5
Welcome, Laura. It sounds like he is getting the marriage he wants. So often I find that SM and dysfunctional relationships are often because at least one of the partners is unwilling to compromise, or at lease compromise enough. Refusers do not compromise. You say that he has become a better partner since you stopped asking? What about the next time something important comes along when you have very different feelings on? He may decide not to compromise on that, either. Because you do not have children, you are in at least somewhat of an advantageous position. At the very least, consider all of your options carefully - and read alot here. You may find just what you need.
All my best.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2017 17:36:33 GMT -5
laura said: "Since I stopped nagging him for sex we have gone almost an entire year without. The weird thing is, this strategy of totally withdrawing has actually made things better in a lot of ways....It is like he can finally relax now that I don’t want or expect anything from him. We are actually living in his comfort zone.....Even worse, he’s turned into a pretty good partner since I gave up on him as a lover. Now I don’t want to lose the good part of what we have. Living this way is agony..." Let me just say - I could relate a lot to this part. This is how it went with my refuser, too. I would get discouraged and give up for a while; and then I guess he felt like the pressure was off, and we would get along better. And then things would have been perfect - if only I hadn't wanted to have sex about twice a week. And even though most people will tell you "sex isn't everything; sex shouldn't be that important, etc." - when you want it and you're not having it, you feel crazy because it's all you can think about. I used to get so angry at Mr. Kat, because we were a good match and we did have a good sex life for the first 7 years we were together. I still don't understand why he didn't want to go back to what we once had. After a while, I no longer cared why. He couldn't understand why I was making such a big deal out of sex; I couldn't understand why he wouldn't fight to keep the best relationship either of us had ever had, the way we were at our best. It wasn't until I was tired of trying to figure out his logic that I had the freedom to move forward and try to salvage what I could of my own life. I'm not always happy on my own. It's a really mixed bag, being single again. I love being the boss of my own home, and it would be hard to give that up and live with somebody again. I love the quiet, but then sometimes it's *too* quiet. I've had to handle some stressful life situations all by myself. But then, there were times when Mr. Kat and I were still together, and he wasn't able to help that much with a stressful situation. And, dating again. Sometimes I want a serious relationship again, just because dating can be dreadful and I don't think I want to be on my own forever. But then last fall, one guy I dated took it a lot more seriously than I did. Since I didn't feel the same way about him, the thought of being in a serious 24/7 relationship with him was enough to make me feel crazy. So, I came up with this way of expressing how I feel: Good relationship > being single > bad relationship. "As soon as we get moved, he plans to go 1,000 miles away for the summer to take some classes and to just be in a climate he likes better. I will be alone for months, going to school but otherwise free and alone." Let me ask this: Does *he* really want to stay married? In a normal couple relationship, being together is sort of the point. But he wants to move 1000 miles away from you. Not only does he not want sex, but it sounds like he doesn't even want to be near you. I don't even understand why he wants to move to this new home with you, where you are getting ready to move now. If he likes the climate better and wants to go to school 1000 miles away...and he doesn't care about being close to you...why doesn't he just move (by himself) to this place he loves so much, 1000 miles away, on a permanent basis?
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Post by jayishere on May 6, 2017 18:08:37 GMT -5
Good to find myself in the company of others who live in relationships without sex. I am unsure if I miss or not having any, seems like a hassle...Maybe I will learn something new here.
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Post by h on May 6, 2017 18:49:09 GMT -5
Good to find myself in the company of others who live in relationships without sex. I am unsure if I miss or not having any, seems like a hassle...Maybe I will learn something new here. Welcome to the club that nobody wants to be a member of. I hope that it helps. |
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Post by dinnaken on May 7, 2017 0:17:23 GMT -5
Welcome Jayishere, it's good to meet you, I'm sorry that it's here' I hope you find good company and what you need.
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Post by solodriver on May 7, 2017 2:51:16 GMT -5
Hi laura,
Welcome and I'm glad you found us. As you have read, we each have founds ways to deal with our situations, thanks to the friendships and sharing that happens here. Please know you are not alone and please read as often as you can. Something here may help you find your way on this path. We, collectively, open our arms to you. As you can see, many folks here are at various places along this path. But we each here support and care about each person on this path. I know for me, the folks here have been able to help me feel whole again and understand the most important thing to understand: YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, NOR IS HAVING A STRONG SEXUAL DRIVE A BAD THING. OUR REFUSERS ARE THE ONES WITH THE PROBLEM! We just have to evaluate our situations and figure out what is best for us.
Because of the folks here, even though I'm still in my almost 19 year sexless marriage, I have learned how to deal with it and no longer blame myself about anything related to having a sexless marriage. I am so much stronger, have restored my self-esteem, and put the blame for the problem exactly where it belongs, with my refuser wife. And she can no longer hurt me either. We are roommates, and I will always care for her as I would any family member, but she will never hurt me again because of her choice to shut down the romantic sexual part of our marriage. And I also will not allow that to close my mind to future possibilities. I'm living my life the best I can and am enjoying new friendships and experiences that previously I would not have allowed myself to have because I felt "obligated" to my refuser. And the wonderful, beautiful folks here are the ones that helped make that happen for me. Sometimes we need a hug and sometime we need a little kick n our butts, but each one is coming from someone who is or has lived very similar experience to yours.
We are here for you.
Hugs, Solodriver
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