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Post by njsojourner on May 7, 2017 16:20:58 GMT -5
Hi. I am new here. I am a 63 year old married man who has been in a sexless marriage for about 5 years. Before my wife through menopause we had an awesome sex life. But it has fell off a cliff since then. She told me recently that she doesn't care if she never has sex again. It's not me she says, it's her--desire is gone and physically sex hurts. Early on we tried everything but hormonal therapy which she won't because of a breast cancer scare a few years ago.
I am am very sad and frustrated. Over the years I have had numerous opportunities to have affairs while traveling for work and never was interested because we had such a great marriage in so many ways, including sex. We still love each other and the life we have built together but as I think of the rest of my life without intimacy and sex I want to scream. I am at wits end. I have even seen a therapist to try and cope with this. Ugh!!!
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Post by lwoetin on May 7, 2017 19:35:33 GMT -5
Hi. I am new here. I am a 63 year old married man who has been in a sexless marriage for about 5 years. Before my wife through menopause we had an awesome sex life. But it has fell off a cliff since then. She told me recently that she doesn't care if she never has sex again. It's not me she says, it's her--desire is gone and physically sex hurts. Early on we tried everything but hormonal therapy which she won't because of a breast cancer scare a few years ago. I am am very sad and frustrated. Over the years I have had numerous opportunities to have affairs while traveling for work and never was interested because we had such a great marriage in so many ways, including sex. We still love each other and the life we have built together but as I think of the rest of my life without intimacy and sex I want to scream. I am at wits end. I have even seen a therapist to try and cope with this. Ugh!!! sorry to hear menopause messed up your sex life. Sounds scary. I realize vaginal dryness is one symptom that would make sex painful. A product called Sliquid was mentioned as the only lubricant a certain couple uses. I've not tried it. I wonder if it works. |
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Post by baza on May 7, 2017 19:42:32 GMT -5
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Post by hopingforachange on May 7, 2017 22:06:21 GMT -5
Hi. I am new here. I am a 63 year old married man who has been in a sexless marriage for about 5 years. Before my wife through menopause we had an awesome sex life. But it has fell off a cliff since then. She told me recently that she doesn't care if she never has sex again. It's not me she says, it's her--desire is gone and physically sex hurts. Early on we tried everything but hormonal therapy which she won't because of a breast cancer scare a few years ago. I am am very sad and frustrated. Over the years I have had numerous opportunities to have affairs while traveling for work and never was interested because we had such a great marriage in so many ways, including sex. We still love each other and the life we have built together but as I think of the rest of my life without intimacy and sex I want to scream. I am at wits end. I have even seen a therapist to try and cope with this. Ugh!!! sorry to hear menopause messed up your sex life. Sounds scary. I realize vaginal dryness is one symptom that would make sex painful. A product called Sliquid was mentioned as the only lubricant a certain couple uses. I've not tried it. I wonder if it works. I think that would have been me. It is far better in every way then the ky junk. It comes in bigger bottles to which is great, since you will use it more often. |
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Post by lwoetin on May 8, 2017 3:26:19 GMT -5
sorry to hear menopause messed up your sex life. Sounds scary. I realize vaginal dryness is one symptom that would make sex painful. A product called Sliquid was mentioned as the only lubricant a certain couple uses. I've not tried it. I wonder if it works. I think that would have been me. It is far better in every way then the ky junk. It comes in bigger bottles to which is great, since you will use it more often. thanks, I will try it. My wife was in pain last time we did it. Hopefully menopause is not around the corner. She said it was a mixture of pain and pleasure. She was at CVS pharmacy the next day and looked at alternatives. |
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Post by Dan on May 8, 2017 16:01:12 GMT -5
This forum is one of the "lifeboats" set up for participants of the ILIASM group on EP, which surpassed 50,000 members before the parent site shut the lights out. I think this is the most active remaining forum, and I'm pretty sure most new members here (about 20 to 40 per month) were NOT members of EP. |
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DrNo
Junior Member
Posts: 52 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by DrNo on May 8, 2017 16:51:08 GMT -5
Just wanted to say hi. Been lurking for months. Great site.
Sorry it's a short post. I'll post something longer on another thread.
50 yo, retired male, who's married (20 years) to a career mad female, 2 kids.
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Post by h on May 8, 2017 17:45:49 GMT -5
Just wanted to say hi. Been lurking for months. Great site. Sorry it's a short post. I'll post something longer on another thread. 50 yo, retired male, who's married (20 years) to a career mad female, 2 kids. Welcome, but sorry you found yourself here. |
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Post by montyray on May 8, 2017 22:25:25 GMT -5
I am new to this website. I was on the EP website until they shut it down. I thoroughly enjoyed the iliasm forum there until I ran across this one last nite. I am now 2 weeks divorced. I have had no sex in 5 years. I am starting to come out of my shell a little and have joined a singles group for men and women over 50 and have been on a few dates but no sex as of yet. I was separated for 3 years and coming to the conclusion that my sex life may be over and I either may have to just get used to it or just not worry about it anymore. I am 56 and still hoping to find someone but that may or may not happen. Trying to enjoy life and meeting new people along the way and not be stressed out about this . Sometimes I ask God to take this burden away from me because I feel i am either being punished or he is trying to teach me a lesson and so far I am not willing to listen. I just keep telling myself to keep holding on for myself and my children and maybe if this gets better and I find someone this will all be in the past and I will not remember this pain I have been going through for the last 5 years.
Thanks for listening
Montyray
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Post by baza on May 8, 2017 22:36:07 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Brother montyrayGood thing is, that you are out of your deal, and thus have a shot at a decent relationship in your future. I was about your age when I got out of my deal, thus giving me a shot at a decent relationship. My shot paid off, big time. |
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Post by petrushka on May 9, 2017 0:44:30 GMT -5
I’ve been lurking for a few days and it is time to introduce myself. This is a long one, and I apologize if it is unreasonably so. I could hardly stop once I started writing. I feel like I’ve already learned a lot about some of the people here by lurking, so maybe it is appropriate to give a longer introduction of myself. I live in a sexless marriage. When I look back to the beginning, I can see that the signs were always there. It didn’t seem to be a deal breaker then because he still responded when I initiated and the sex was fairly good when it happened. Besides, everyone says marriage isn’t supposed to be about sex and we had so much else in common. If that were not enough, my dad was dying a slow and awful death at the time and I just wanted my other relationships to be stable and safe. I couldn’t think straight back then or see the red flags that are so obvious now. Once we got married all physical and emotional intimacy just stopped overnight. When I touched him he would get hard immediately, but push me away saying something like “get off me, I’m tired.” It wasn’t just sex, there was no touch at all. He even bought a bigger bed to avoid touching me accidentally. I tried countless times to talk to him about it. I read all the books and tried all the things. It did not matter how I approached the topic, he put me off or, if he couldn’t avoid me, he’d explode with rage and spew cruel put-downs. I’ve begged him to come to counseling with me. He won’t go. I went alone for months, but finally felt I’d done all I could on my own. For the first year of our marriage I thought we were going through a rough adjustment, but I still had hope (and occasional sex). For the next two years I could talk him into having sex about once every three months. For those two years I felt terribly hurt and rejected, despondent even. Now in the fourth year I have just stopped expecting or trying to have a real marriage. We sleep separately and I don’t try to initiate sex or reach out for emotional intimacy. I’m deliberate about staying cheerful, but superficial with him. I do this to protect myself. Since I stopped nagging him for sex we have gone almost an entire year without. The weird thing is, this strategy of totally withdrawing has actually made things better in a lot of ways. He has been calmer since I gave up on him. The yelling and insults have stopped and he has become more affectionate and kinder. It is like he can finally relax now that I don’t want or expect anything from him. We are actually living in his comfort zone. Since adjusting my expectations I am no longer so anguished over the rejection, but I deeply resent him for what he has taken from me. It is not just what I can’t have but also what I can’t give that saddens me. Living this way is a slow numbing death. I am badly entangled financially and logistically. Even with no kids the situation is incredibly complicated. A divorce would be catastrophic to both our lives. Even worse, he’s turned into a pretty good partner since I gave up on him as a lover. Now I don’t want to lose the good part of what we have. Living this way is agony and I feel panicked when I think of the years that have already whizzed past me. Rejection like this fogs the mind. I’m sure you all know exactly what I mean. Nevertheless, I am at a crossroads. We are in the midst of moving to a much smaller place to simplify our lives. As soon as we get moved, he plans to go 1,000 miles away for the summer to take some classes and to just be in a climate he likes better. I will be alone for months, going to school but otherwise free and alone. Now is time for big decisions. What to do? I didn’t mean to start a book here, so I’ll cut myself off for now. I see from reading this board that our situations are not rare, yet it is so incredibly isolating to deal with this. I’m very glad to have found you all. Well Laura, if I think back on some of the novellas some of us used to post on the EperienceProject, the forerunner of this forum, you have something to aspire to in terms of length. This introduction was brevity ;-) - "once we got married, the intimacy stopped overnight". Laura, that is so common. I have read that so many times. It is just soul destroying. And in my opinion/experience here it is a really bad marker. Your husband is not able or willing to maintain a grown-up relationship, partnership. He was in it for the hunt, or to fulfill some social demand he held himself to be subject to, but he, I dare say, is not really into what he got. And let me say, the reason WHY he is not into it, or the reason WHY he married you are non sequitur to resolving your situation.
- you have already told us that he was not prepared to go to counseling. There you have it. He's not willing to work on it, he's not willing to do something towards
having a better relationship. Any questions? Actions speak louder than words.
- he's 'better about the relationship since you stopped making demands of him'. Yes, that tallies, doesn't it? He doesn't want to share himself, share his time,
share his body, share your feelings and expectations and needs and wants. Ok.
You now sleep separately, and Laura makes a happy face to avoid nastiness. He's got a flatmate in his comfort zone -- barely. Still he wants to get away. Oh yeah.
- I totally get what you say about expectations. This is something we all have to do, never mind how perfect our relationships are otherwise. Nobody can be
everything to everybody, we are going to have to eat that. I have found that if I have lower expectations, I feel less disappointed, less frustrated. There's another
way of looking at it and that's that you can't ask a turtle to fly: you will be forever disappointed and unhappy.
BUT: in the end YOU have to decide if you're happy living with a turtle, when you're a bird. Are you happy living with an emotionally stunted person who
completely disregards you (not only that, but gets bolshy when you show needs and wants in the relationship) and does not take care of you, does not relate,
does not share?
- "rejection like this fogs the mind". Yes it does. They have an agenda: the agenda is to shape you, me, our relationships to their mental model, their comfort zone,
their ideals. They take no heed of us, as a living, feeling, thinking person -- when we want stuff, we become a liability and an irritant. I've been through that; my
wife had me seriously doubting my sanity with her constant accusations of abuse. Only when I landed on EP and compared notes with the other 'inmates' did it
become clear to me that she was fighting a pre-emptive defensive battle to keep me away. I got feedback from people who'd seen us together, I worked out the
mechanisms she used to use, and I stopped playing her game. I also sat her down and told her that neither my needs nor my wants were being met, that I was
deeply sad and unhappy and that I could see no reason to remain as her janitor, changers of lightbulbs and tapwashers and otherwise "the guy who abused her
all of the time, supposedly".
Well I got lucky, because she's one of the very very few people who have modified their behaviour. Of course, the p-a shit still comes out when she's upset, or
hurt, or scared, and can't think clearly. And her loss of sexual desire has not reversed. Vice versa, I am not interested in having sex with a dead fish. So ....
I have settled for a non sexual marriage but one that IS caring, affectionate, considerate, and intimate on other levels. Am I entirely happy with that? No.
- the fact that your guy is just going to leave you to it --- well. Is it really important to his life to do those classes? Or is he more interested in a preferred climate
and away from YOU, away from the demanding dead-albatross 'relationship' that's hanging around his neck and bringing him down?
I suspect the latter. Did he even ask your opinion, your feelings about wanting to fuck off? Did he give you the feeling that your feelings in the matter did matter?
I suspect not.
Lots of questions I am posing that you can ask yourself. And I am sure I don't even understand the half of your situation. But given the indicators that you
HAVE listed, my feeling in the matter his this: once he's gone away the 1000 miles (or kilometers), change the locks, and tell him not to bother coming back;
at YOUR convenience. Sooner if that's better for you, or later if that's advantageous. Why should you abase yourself to his wants and needs any further looking
at how he's disregarding and disrespecting yours?
Last words: hoping that things will magically get better - not going to happen. Hope is your enemy. Only believe sustained actions, not vague stated intentions,
or 6 weeks worth of 'reset sex' (although it doesn't sound like he's even prepared to go that far in order to keep you).
-P.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2017 14:47:25 GMT -5
I am badly entangled financially and logistically. Even with no kids the situation is incredibly complicated. A divorce would be catastrophic to both our lives. Even worse, he’s turned into a pretty good partner since I gave up on him as a lover. Now I don’t want to lose the good part of what we have. Living this way is agony and I feel panicked when I think of the years that have already whizzed past me. Rejection like this fogs the mind. I’m sure you all know exactly what I mean. Welcome Laura! I am sorry for your situation. This statement really got to me... "Now I don’t want to lose the good part of what we have." What is it that you have? This does not sound like a marriage to me. Please read and post, and try some of the things that people suggest here. You are still VERY young, and have the best years of your life in front of you. You have a LOT of choices. Please try to realize that. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2017 14:49:22 GMT -5
Good to find myself in the company of others who live in relationships without sex. I am unsure if I miss or not having any, seems like a hassle...Maybe I will learn something new here. I have to warn you that you may find your sense of self worth coming back if you read here too much. But it is worth it. |
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laura
Junior Member
Posts: 72 
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by laura on May 9, 2017 20:02:57 GMT -5
Thank you all for the welcome. Your thoughtful responses and other posts on here have already given me much to think about. I'll start another thread to say more (that's how this works, right?)
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laura
Junior Member
Posts: 72
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by laura on May 9, 2017 20:57:47 GMT -5
There are no good parts that can possibly outweigh what you are describing. Maybe you could sit down with a piece of paper and write down what all those good parts are, and question them hard. And maybe also think about how much each of those good parts is dependent on you submitting your life and your soul to him.You are most likely correct. I will write out a list of what is actually good in the relationship, but I can see already that they are mostly very basic things, and mostly replaceable. And yes, I do have to be careful not to hit the end of the leash. The idea of him moving 1,000 mile away is about the only bright spot in your story. That absence will provide the opportunity for you to have a really good think about what you want in your future. Embrace that opportunity. I do intend to use the time with him gone to sort things out/enact an exit strategy. I'm really looking forward to it! It is tough to even think beyond the next day when he is around, much less make any move to leave. Hello laura and although I am sorry that you find yourself here, you will absolutely find comfort, understanding and support. Typical isn't it - when it's supposed to be about compromise, but in the end it's only one sided happiness for them when we are finally broken down and bent into their shape of how they want to live. Not surprised in the least of him being comfortable and happy. Anyway, welcome.x I've read some of your other posts and I can relate to a lot of it. Thank you for the welcome. Do not get pregnant. I won'tIf your husband is moving 1000 miles away, use the space and time, that that will give you, wisely. Get informed, make a plan, your finances can be sorted out. and I willWhat about the next time something important comes along when you have very different feelings on? He may decide not to compromise on that, either. I had not quite thought of it that way, but it is true. The only time compromises is when it is on something very small and unimportant. Now that you say it that way, I have no confidence that I could get him to consider my opinions/fellings when it really counts. Let me just say - I could relate a lot to this part. This is how it went with my refuser, too. I would get discouraged and give up for a while; and then I guess he felt like the pressure was off, and we would get along better. And then things would have been perfect - if only I hadn't wanted to have sex about twice a week. And even though most people will tell you "sex isn't everything; sex shouldn't be that important, etc." - when you want it and you're not having it, you feel crazy because it's all you can think about. Yes, I married him for a reason and those better qualities show up when I leave him alone. I used to get so angry at Mr. Kat, because we were a good match and we did have a good sex life for the first 7 years we were together. I still don't understand why he didn't want to go back to what we once had. After a while, I no longer cared why. He couldn't understand why I was making such a big deal out of sex; I couldn't understand why he wouldn't fight to keep the best relationship either of us had ever had, the way we were at our best. It wasn't until I was tired of trying to figure out his logic that I had the freedom to move forward and try to salvage what I could of my own life. I'm not always happy on my own. It's a really mixed bag, being single again. I love being the boss of my own home, and it would be hard to give that up and live with somebody again. I love the quiet, but then sometimes it's *too* quiet. I've had to handle some stressful life situations all by myself. But then, there were times when Mr. Kat and I were still together, and he wasn't able to help that much with a stressful situation. And, dating again. Sometimes I want a serious relationship again, just because dating can be dreadful and I don't think I want to be on my own forever. But then last fall, one guy I dated took it a lot more seriously than I did. Since I didn't feel the same way about him, the thought of being in a serious 24/7 relationship with him was enough to make me feel crazy. So, I came up with this way of expressing how I feel: Good relationship > being single > bad relationship. "As soon as we get moved, he plans to go 1,000 miles away for the summer to take some classes and to just be in a climate he likes better. I will be alone for months, going to school but otherwise free and alone." Let me ask this: Does *he* really want to stay married? In a normal couple relationship, being together is sort of the point. But he wants to move 1000 miles away from you. Not only does he not want sex, but it sounds like he doesn't even want to be near you. I don't even understand why he wants to move to this new home with you, where you are getting ready to move now. If he likes the climate better and wants to go to school 1000 miles away...and he doesn't care about being close to you...why doesn't he just move (by himself) to this place he loves so much, 1000 miles away, on a permanent basis? Thank you! Well said and thoughtful, all of it. The moving away to take classes thing sort of does make sense to me and I'm also just not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. I'll explain more about the reasoning for the move in another thread I think. |
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