I’ve been lurking for a few days and it is time to introduce myself. This is a long one, and I apologize if it is unreasonably so. I could hardly stop once I started writing. I feel like I’ve already learned a lot about some of the people here by lurking, so maybe it is appropriate to give a longer introduction of myself.
I live in a sexless marriage. When I look back to the beginning, I can see that the signs were always there. It didn’t seem to be a deal breaker then because he still responded when I initiated and the sex was fairly good when it happened. Besides, everyone says marriage isn’t supposed to be about sex and we had so much else in common. If that were not enough, my dad was dying a slow and awful death at the time and I just wanted my other relationships to be stable and safe. I couldn’t think straight back then or see the red flags that are so obvious now.
Once we got married all physical and emotional intimacy just stopped overnight. When I touched him he would get hard immediately, but push me away saying something like “get off me, I’m tired.” It wasn’t just sex, there was no touch at all. He even bought a bigger bed to avoid touching me accidentally. I tried countless times to talk to him about it. I read all the books and tried all the things. It did not matter how I approached the topic, he put me off or, if he couldn’t avoid me, he’d explode with rage and spew cruel put-downs. I’ve begged him to come to counseling with me. He won’t go. I went alone for months, but finally felt I’d done all I could on my own.
For the first year of our marriage I thought we were going through a rough adjustment, but I still had hope (and occasional sex). For the next two years I could talk him into having sex about once every three months. For those two years I felt terribly hurt and rejected, despondent even. Now in the fourth year I have just stopped expecting or trying to have a real marriage. We sleep separately and I don’t try to initiate sex or reach out for emotional intimacy. I’m deliberate about staying cheerful, but superficial with him. I do this to protect myself.
Since I stopped nagging him for sex we have gone almost an entire year without. The weird thing is, this strategy of totally withdrawing has actually made things better in a lot of ways. He has been calmer since I gave up on him. The yelling and insults have stopped and he has become more affectionate and kinder. It is like he can finally relax now that I don’t want or expect anything from him. We are actually living in his comfort zone.
Since adjusting my expectations I am no longer so anguished over the rejection, but I deeply resent him for what he has taken from me. It is not just what I can’t have but also what I can’t give that saddens me. Living this way is a slow numbing death.
I am badly entangled financially and logistically. Even with no kids the situation is incredibly complicated. A divorce would be catastrophic to both our lives. Even worse, he’s turned into a pretty good partner since I gave up on him as a lover. Now I don’t want to lose the good part of what we have. Living this way is agony and I feel panicked when I think of the years that have already whizzed past me. Rejection like this fogs the mind. I’m sure you all know exactly what I mean.
Nevertheless, I am at a crossroads. We are in the midst of moving to a much smaller place to simplify our lives. As soon as we get moved, he plans to go 1,000 miles away for the summer to take some classes and to just be in a climate he likes better. I will be alone for months, going to school but otherwise free and alone. Now is time for big decisions. What to do?
I didn’t mean to start a book here, so I’ll cut myself off for now. I see from reading this board that our situations are not rare, yet it is so incredibly isolating to deal with this. I’m very glad to have found you all.
Welcome to ILIASM, where we understand and truly care. Welcome to a place of support where both pain and laughter; tears and joys are shared. Welcome to a potentially life changing experience. Welcome to a crossroads in your life. Finding yourself here is the first step towards finding yourself. Our hope is that, by being here, you will fully realize what you've lost, what you're losing in the present, and what you stand to lose in your future. But we also hope that you will realize that you can change things in the present for the better, giving you so much to look forward to in your future. Sometimes when we're too close to a situation, we tend to not see the forest for the trees. Here there will be many of us that will help you not only to focus on the details, but to also help you to step back so that you can see more clearly the bigger picture of what a sexless marriage looks like in all of its gory.
You've already given us enough trees (details) to go by in determining just how deep and dark your (sexless marriage) forrest has become. And as you are already experiencing, it's so easy to get lost in it. Especially when the mind fog settles in, making it more difficult to find the path you need to be on in order to get to the other side. Here you've found yourself in a clearing within that forrest. Time to sit and think about your choices while there's some light filtering down on you. Your journey across this forrest is not going to be an easy one. But you're not alone. There are others that are sitting in a clearing with you, other's that are slowly making their way out, and others that have made it to the other side. So with the accumulated wisdom and experience of our ILIASM guides, you will at least be pointed in the right direction. You can think of us as a sort of compass to help you find your way. But it's ultimately your choice to decide whether you want to start making your way towards that other side; or stay wandering around your forrest, lost in a fog of disappointment and despair.
So, in an attempt to see your forrest more clearly (from my perspective), I sat down and scribbled out two sets of lists. One titled "Negatives Trees" and another titled "Positive Trees". As I went down the two lists, I realized (sadly) that most, if not all, of the things listed on the positive trees side fell into the shadows of the negative trees. In other words; as I progressed through the lists, your forrest became deeper and darker, despite some rays of light that struggled to filter through.
Let us begin with the Positive Tree list.
Positive Trees
1. You've read all books / tried new things.
I don't know what books you've read or the new things that you've tried. But that bit of shared
information shows me that you've gone all out in trying to figure out your situation and/or find some kind of solution towards making a bad situation better. In other words, you took the situation seriously because the marriage matters to YOU.
Negative Tree shadow -
What books was your husband reading? What new things did he try? I will wager that he's done very little or nothing to improve your marital situation. And if that's the case. It's a very big shadow that's been cast upon you.
2. You have a bigger bed.
That's nice. Bigger Bed = More Space.
Negative Tree shadow -
More space = more distance. It's a bad purchase when the reason to buy a bigger bed is to avoid "accidentally" touching someone that you're married to. It's obvious to me that your H doesn't believe in "happy accidents". A better purchasing reason would be to have more space to romp in. Large beds can be very expensive when you include the price of a very good mattress. It's a waste of money to buy a marriage bed if you're not going to experience sex in it.
3. Did all you could do on your own.
This shows me that you took the initiative. Bravo! My hat's off to you, madam. After all, making your marriage better was a strong incentive for YOU. I don't doubt that you've gone above and beyond in doing so.
Negative Tree shadow -
It seems to me that your H took the initiative to do all that he could on HIS own to sabotage your attempts at making things better for both of you.
4. You had hope.
It's a good thing to have hope. But it seems to me that you lost it. And hope is something that in many situations is a very sad and tragic thing to lose. But in your situation, like petrushka mentioned, hope can become your enemy. I placed this one on the positive side, because in my opinion, in a situation like the one you're in, it's good that you lost hope. In this situation, hope is a rope that will eventually leave you hanging by the end of it. Sorry about that visual. But I believe the metaphor is appropriate in this case.
5. You experienced Occasional Sex.
I listed this on the positive side, because from my perspective (and that of many here on ILIASM), we can only dream of experiencing occasional sex with our spouses. But let's be realistic here. You mentioned that you experienced occasional sex during your 1st year of marriage. That's totally unacceptable in the opinion of so many of us here. Occasional sex is only acceptable if both spouses accept that as acceptable. Or if one spouse accepts it because they know that occasional sex is better than no sex at all. In my mind 1st year marriage = bunny sex. Not that I ever experienced that. That's something that's just in my mind. But in real life, my first year of marriage was blessed with starfish sex. LOTS of it (insert sarcasm here). So I should consider myself more fortunate than others here that didn't even get to experience honeymoon sex.
Negative Tree Shadow -
Starting out with occasional sex usually means that it's all downhill from there. Think about small snowball rolling down a very big snowy hill. And from what you shared with us in your post, that's the visual that I got. You wound up at the bottom of that hill inside of a giant snowball of sexlessness.
6. Deliberate Cheerfulness
I only put that one in the positive tree list because it had the word cheerfulness in it. I see being cheery as a positive thing. But I'm going to be really honest. Not that I'm ever unreally honest. I cocked my head to one side, like my lovable pooch, and had to think about this one for a bit. After some thought, I still didn't get it. So feel free to help clarify this one for me. This actually gave me the impression that you were forcing yourself to be cheerful. I mean ... isn't cheerfulness something that just happens? I'm not wanting to come across as a word Nazi here, but the definition of "deliberate" means to do something consciously and intentionally. So you were intentionally cheerful in a fake way so that H would think you were cheery for real? So that he would think that everything was OK with you; and that you were happy with the situation, therefore allowing him to experience a sense of calmness? I'm not meaning to come across as an A-hole here. Just trying to understand why you would be deliberate about being cheerful. The thing that struck me the most is that your reason for doing so was to "protect yourself". Against what? Against the emotional harm that he would inflict on you? I'm sorry, but I don't see anything cheery about the whole thing. It just may be a case of impaired reading comprehension on my part, or perhaps I'm just missing something here. Not meaning to be insensitive or hard on you in any way. It's just that situations like this tend to piss me off. Because I genuinely care about what my ILIASM peeps have gone through or continue to go through here. You included.
Negative Tree Shadow -
I'm thinking that fear is playing a role here and that it's keeping you from expressing (to your H) your true emotional state of being with regard to your marital situation. There's something going on within this shadow that is looking very dark to me. Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic, but people in abusive situations tend to shape their behaviors in ways that will conform to their abusers preferences. The abused tend to do that to "protect" themselves. Anyone can feel free to call me an ignorant idiot for making any assumptions here. After all, it's my belief that forced sexlessness is a form of physical and emotional abuse. Most of us here never chose to be in a sexless marriage. Who says, "I'm going to get married so that I can experience little or no sex."?
7. Your husband is calmer -
Yeah. That's a positive. A calmer H means that he's not going to explode with rage. I mean, who wants rage exploding all over the place. That can be emotionally traumatic. So be deliberately cheery and everything will be OK.
Negative Tree Shadow -
YOU are not calmer no matter how much you try to feign cheerfulness. You strike me as a very intelligent and level headed woman. But there are a lot of intelligent and level headed people that find themselves in sexless marriages under the worst of circumstances. Eternaloptimism, a member here, comes to mind. You mentioned that your H won't go to counseling, but have you considered going by yourself? I think that in this situation, and at this time, you would benefit from speaking with a professional. I've never been to one; but from what I've read here, there are many members that have benefitted greatly from ongoing counseling. This would be something that you do for YOU.
8. Yelling and Insults Have Stopped -
It's good that such abusive behavior has stopped. But what are you giving up in order to bring about a false sense of peace? Is a dormant volcano any safer just because it's not erupting?
Negative Tree Shadow -
A sleeping giant can wake up at any time. You shouldn't have to be in a situation where you're walking on eggshells (if that's the case), or feeling like you can't be yourself out of fear that lava and hot ash is going to rain down on you the moment you speak up for yourself.
9. H is more affectionate and kinder -
Now who doesn't like a kind and affectionate spouse? But the word "unconditional" pops up in my head. You mentioned that he's been kind and affectionate to you since you stopped initiating sex. You've essentially been conditioned to stop reaching out for emotional and physical intimacy. You've learned that it's "safer" for you to be superficial with him in order to "protect yourself". Again, this strikes me as being emotional manipulation. When you behave in a manner that he is not comfortable with or that he doesn't like at all, he explodes with rage, spews put-downs all over the place, yells and insults you, and whatever else. In the process, you've been hurt deeply with physical and emotional rejection. That's outright abuse, if you ask me. But he can relax now. Because you don't expect or want anything from him. He basically has the whole situation under control. He has set the conditions for you. He rewards you when you behave the way he wants you to and punishes you when you don't. He's made it clear to you what is expected of YOU. Nothing. That is, nothing that a normal and healthy woman in a healthy marriage would want, need, and desire to share with her husband.
Negative Tree Shadow -
Yes, he has set his conditions. Which is basically, leave me alone and I won't hurt you. But you're hurting anyway. You've adjusted your expectations. Yeah. You've pretty much eliminated anything and everything that can be expected from a normal and healthy marriage. You're living in HIS comfort zone. You're maintaining HIS status quo.
10. No Kids
If there was ever a plus in a situation like this, this is the mother of all positives. Kids are great. I've got nothing against them. But we all know here, that bringing a kid into this equation will result in a BIG negative. Your situation is complicated enough as it is. You know that. Whenever we read posts here from women that are in a sexless marriage; and we learn that they don't have kids yet, it's like we can't help wanting to yell out, "DON'T GET PREGNANT!!!". Nuff' said.
11. Pretty good partner
Again, this is in the positive tree side because it sounds good. Because who doesn't want a pretty good partner. Heck, why settle for less? Who doesn't want a really GREAT partner?! But when I look deeper into this; and it's not like I had to look too deeply, I can clearly see that there's really NOTHING good about this and that it should really be on the Negative Tree List that I've not even gotten around to putting down here. The fact is, that most of the negatives are on this positive list already. So I'm not even going to bother making a Negative Tree List. It's all in the shadows already.
"...he's turned into a pretty good partner since I gave up on him as a lover." Laura, there's no way that I can read this and not think of the word "dysfunctional". I don't mean to insult you in any way. But this is something that someone in a dysfunctional relationship would say. However, what you went on to write after made me think that you've lost perspective on just how dysfunctional your situation is. You wrote, "Now I don't want to lose the good part of what we had." What good part are you referring to? The part where he is so considerate to get a bigger bed so that he doesn't accidentally touch you? The part where he tells you to get off of him because he's tired, basically rejecting you and causing you to experience anguish? The part where he spews cruel put-downs, for reasons that are unknown to me? Or is it the part where he explodes with rage when you try to communicate openly with him in an attempt to talk with him about the ongoing marital problems? Are those the parts? Excuse my sarcasm, but I don't see any good parts to what you have with your H. A "good partner" doesn't put his SO (significant other) through what he puts you through. I mean, really ... you gave up on him as a lover. By year 3 of marriage you had to talk him into having sex. A marital partner shouldn't need to be talked into something like that. By year 4 you dropped the expectation, and even stopped trying to have a real marriage. You even implemented a "withdrawing strategy" that involved you not nagging him for sex. The result of that was going without sex for an entire year! You mentioned that you don't sleep together. That you no longer initiate sex. That you've stopped reaching out for emotional intimacy. That you resent him for what he has taken from you. That it saddens you that you can't have but that you also can't give. How do you see that making things better in a lot of ways? What ways??? What "good part" are you truly left with? Because I don't see any good parts that would give me the impression that you're in a healthy and happy marital relationship. Lastly, I ask you, what is really left there between the two of you that is worth hanging on to? What compelling reason/s do you have to stay married in this situation? Fear of being alone? Money? In what way/s are you badly entangled logistically? I know that you mentioned that a divorce would be catastrophic to both your lives. But in light of everything else, I can't really see that as a good enough reason to stay married. I know how important financial stability is; and frankly, any choice you ultimately make will be a valid choice (for you). But I can't fathom anything being more catastrophic than the slow numbing death that you say you're experiencing. Or the agony and panic that you experience thinking of the years that have already whizzed past you. Time and tide stop for no one. And before you know it, it will all have passed you by. You're still very young and the future holds many positive possibilities for you. You don't want staying in your marriage to be the biggest regret of your life during your final days. This might sound overly dramatic; but believe me, this life will pass you by one day, as it will for everyone that lives and breathes. You want (and deserve) to experience a life of fulfillment from here to there.
I imagine that you have thought about all of this, being that you are, without a doubt, a very introspective woman. But as I mentioned, even the best of us can become lost in that fog of which you speak, and that we are all familiar with. I just wanted to take the time to show you the trees up close and then back you up a distance that enables you to see your forrest in its entirety. Yours is a forrest that you don't want to be dwelling in. It's too thick and too dark for you to be spending any amount of time in it. It will eventually entangle you to the point where you will lose yourself forever within it and there won't be anything or anyone outside of it that will be able to extricate you from it.
Yes, you are at a crossroads. Choose for yourself and not for anyone else. Up until now, you have been walking alone. From all indications, your H has never truly walked by your side. The road that you choose will be a choice that you make for yourself. Whatever road you choose, know that you do not travel alone. We are all here to keep you company, whether nor not you decide to make your way to the other side.
I put together this list based on what you shared in your Introduction post. You shared a lot with us and we appreciate that. It gives us a good picture of your situation and what you're dealing with. It helps us to help you better in whatever ways that we can. Laura, my heart goes out to you. Your forrest is deep and dark. It hurts me to know that you're hurting. I'm sure I'm not the only one here that can feel your pain and anguish. Rejection of any kind can become so emotionally crippling and so detrimental to the overall well being of a person. Please take care of yourself. YOU are what matters the most at this point. Do what you need to do for yourself. I realize that it's not easy. You went into this with reasonable expectations of experiencing a healthy and happy marriage and that now you find yourself in a very difficult situation, to say the least.
I've expressed a lot here. I don't know how some of what I've expressed will come across to you. If you feel that I have overstepped my bounds with anything that I've written, please feel free to call me out on it. Or anyone else here on ILIASM, for that matter. I'm just an ordinary guy speaking from the heart. I don't always get things right. Which is obvious because I'm also in a sexless marriage. I'm just trying to help in any way that I can by sharing my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. All of this was my attempt at seeing your situation as clearly and as objectively from my perspective. But I have to admit that it's so difficult for me to be objective when emotions come into play. It disturbs me deeply when I see good people with good intentions suffering in bad situations. I hope that I've been able to be of some help to you in one way or another.
TTSP