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Post by Handy on Sept 3, 2020 11:19:43 GMT -5
Northstarmom She didn’t want sex. She wanted you to turn her down so she could say, “I tried but you refused .”
I never thought of it like that. It could be that you are correct. I am not one to think of malice as a first go-to. I usually think the person did not know any better. Maybe I am stupid.
My take she wanted to be the last minuet little miss fix it kiss the bo-bo and feel good about it. She frequently asks me if I feel better during the day. I usually don't get sick but when I do it takes several days to recover so the hourly "do you feel better" is annoying.
Me, I want sex when I feel good and can do some boat rocking, not when it hurts to move.
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Post by jerri on Sept 3, 2020 13:40:21 GMT -5
Maybe I should be ashamed but I'm really not. In normal circumstances, I have the libido of once or twice a week. I am turned on by a slight helplessness. I like to be tied up and I like to sometimes blindfold to heighten the senses or I also like to bind his hands so he cannot touch me. I remember a time when my husband was sick and helpless and I felt bad for him and was taking care of him, but it was also a turn on when I saw his body. I thought I shouldn't be turned on, but it was just hormones? Maybe in the past I had fun when we were helpless?
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 3, 2020 14:05:17 GMT -5
On #1 my W used to be somewhat interested in having sex if I wasn't feeling well. I never understood why. I wanted sex when I was feeling good and usually I want to be left alone in a dark quiet room if I am sick. When I went intimacy-averse in the relationship I was in in my twenties, I would sometimes make a play of initiating when I was pretty sure my partner wasn't into it or not feeling well. For example, I might have taken a cue from the bathroom garbage pail that maybe she was out of commission for a while. In hindsight, it "evened the score" a bit and I thought gave me a bit of an "out" by showing that I was up to play sometimes but she wasn't into it.
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Post by isthisit on Sept 3, 2020 14:31:02 GMT -5
Northstarmom She didn’t want sex. She wanted you to turn her down so she could say, “I tried but you refused .”I never thought of it like that. It could be that you are correct. I am not one to think of malice as a first go-to. I usually think the person did not know any better. Maybe I am stupid. My take she wanted to be the last minuet little miss fix it kiss the bo-bo and feel good about it. She frequently asks me if I feel better during the day. I usually don't get sick but when I do it takes several days to recover so the hourly "do you feel better" is annoying. Me, I want sex when I feel good and can do some boat rocking, not when it hurts to move. My view is that you are not at all stupid. It’s wrong to assume malice as a default and toxic to any relationship let alone a marriage. However, I am afraid that NSM is spot on in her assessment of your W’s motives coming on to you when you are sick. Just horrible to exploit your suffering for her own ends.
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Post by Handy on Sept 3, 2020 14:36:03 GMT -5
Jerri I have the libido of once or twice a week. That sounds normal to me!
Jerri, no shame in what you did or are doing, OK? Not on ILIASM anyway. We are a very accepting bunch because we know everyone has different needs and motivations.
Yes, Isthisit, I do not assume malice as a go to default.
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 3, 2020 18:57:19 GMT -5
I separated from the bed when I was 29. I was sick and tired of crying myself to sleep. He wouldn't have sex with me. He refused me all the time. Said I was like an annoying cat or that I looked at his choopie like a starving Ethiopian.
He hated it. It made him feel like a boy toy.
So I decided that I'd sleep in my own bed when we moved. And .... he hasn't missed me since. he LOVES sleeping by himself while I love cuddles and other stuff. He thinks its too immature.
If you ask him, he says he thought I'd never grow the F up.
So yeah, I prefer it.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 3, 2020 19:19:31 GMT -5
IMHO it's abnormal to NOT want sex!
Of COURSE our refusers say we are freaks for wanting sex. That way we learn to discount our needs and leave them alone to sleep, use porn, have affairs, whatever.
Some of us learned learned from our parents to be nice people as a coping strategy. That rarely works well in adulthood, in my experience.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 3, 2020 19:20:26 GMT -5
I separated from the bed when I was 29. I was sick and tired of crying myself to sleep. He wouldn't have sex with me. He refused me all the time. Said I was like an annoying cat or that I looked at his choopie like a starving Ethiopian. He hated it. It made him feel like a boy toy. So I decided that I'd sleep in my own bed when we moved. And .... he hasn't missed me since. he LOVES sleeping by himself while I love cuddles and other stuff. He thinks its too immature. If you ask him, he says he thought I'd never grow the F up. So yeah, I prefer it. That's cruel. You're still with him because.....?
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 3, 2020 19:23:04 GMT -5
I separated from the bed when I was 29. I was sick and tired of crying myself to sleep. He wouldn't have sex with me. He refused me all the time. Said I was like an annoying cat or that I looked at his choopie like a starving Ethiopian. He hated it. It made him feel like a boy toy. So I decided that I'd sleep in my own bed when we moved. And .... he hasn't missed me since. he LOVES sleeping by himself while I love cuddles and other stuff. He thinks its too immature. If you ask him, he says he thought I'd never grow the F up. So yeah, I prefer it. That's cruel. You're still with him because.....? Because its hard to get divorced with 3 kids with autism. It might be easier when I have to put one or more in assisted living. And he'd never let me have the kids as thats what his ex-wife did. He won't let me. He just wants to win.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 3, 2020 19:25:47 GMT -5
Have you spoken to an attorney, a domestic violence organization or an autism assistance program?
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 3, 2020 19:32:24 GMT -5
ETA: in order to keep some of the intimacy I do go to his bedroom at night and kiss him goodnightand sometimes we will lay together and talk That's where I expect my wife and I to end up. I'll give her all the love she wants and not expect the gestures she doesn't want. It strikes me as pretty nice. So much better than her feeling pressured and me feeling starved. So far, though, the reset continues. If she's okay with that, so am I. EDIT: In this vision, I have a FWB like Jerri does. Genuine platonic affection for the wife would be pretty natural, I think.
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 3, 2020 19:35:08 GMT -5
Have you spoken to an attorney, a domestic violence organization or an autism assistance program? no money for an attorney. my husband doesn't actually beat me and right now my kids get services through an organisation but they're issues are escalating.
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Post by baza on Sept 3, 2020 22:47:04 GMT -5
Just wondering how many end sleeping in seperate beds or bedrooms. It looks like separate beds is going to be where we are headed very soon. Of those who have responded directly on topic (and excluding "double ups") there have been 19 responses. 9 of them say they had/have separate sleeping arrangements. That's near on half. Interesting to note that the refuser initiated the separate sleeping arrangement in a handful of cases.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2020 22:53:39 GMT -5
My wife falls asleep on the couch or goes to bed early every night. Therefore, when I go to bed, she is usually already asleep. When I wake up in the morning, she is back on the couch sleeping to the TV or radio as background noise. I ask her why she moves from our bed to the couch in the middle of the night and she says it's because she can't get back to sleep without the background noise and doesn't want to wake me. She chose to ignore it when I mentioned I wouldn't mind if she woke me.
I think it's actually a pretty clever refusal technique. I've learned over the years to *never* wake her asking for sex - I might be safer kicking a hibernating bear in the ass. So, if she's asleep early, I can't ask at night. If she's not in the same bed with me in the morning, I can't ask then. She's basically taken my ability to ask for physical intimacy off the table.
Long story short, I am essentially in separate beds without being in separate beds, if that makes sense. If I made the "official" move to a separate bedroom, I can't imagine she would mind or that it would be that much of a change.
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Post by Handy on Sept 4, 2020 0:03:30 GMT -5
My W likes the light and a radio on. She complains if I make any noise or get out of or in bed when I use the toilet. She wakes up if a car drives slowly on the gravel road in front of our house.
I like it dark and quiet. I might wake up if lightening strikes a tree in our yard.
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