dd
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Apr 4, 2020 22:42:13 GMT -5
I feel like I've been quarantined for the last 8-10 years.
I work from home and for a while she was stay-at-home. I don't know what she would do to be "nasty" to me. Most of the time she cooks she doesn't set a spot for me or get me water, etc. She feels she needs to do it for the kids but not me. When I cook I set up everything for everyone like a regular kind person would.
It's surprising how many areas she short-changes me when I think about it.
Anyway, the biggest areas of nastyness will be over custody and some cash I'm sure. Shared custody seems like a no brainer. How long I would need to pay spousal support I have no idea. We've been married about 20 years. I'd like to see an end date on that. She's working now and probably could make 70% of what I make. I don't know how that works out. But in our current financial arrangement I pretty much pay all the bills and already provide a decent size check to her to buy kids clothing, activities, and majority of groceries.
I almost think I'd be paying less overall after a divorce with shared custody, but I'd still have spousal support and I'd prefer that doesn't go forever. Her mom is divorced and moved on to another man and won't get married because of financial reasons only so I fear that would be similar here.
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Post by baza on Apr 5, 2020 0:17:21 GMT -5
Your previous posts don't seem to mention legal advice Brother dd . That'd probably be a good thing to get. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 6, 2020 9:29:59 GMT -5
I feel like I've been quarantined for the last 8-10 years. I work from home and for a while she was stay-at-home. I don't know what she would do to be "nasty" to me. Most of the time she cooks she doesn't set a spot for me or get me water, etc. She feels she needs to do it for the kids but not me. When I cook I set up everything for everyone like a regular kind person would. It's surprising how many areas she short-changes me when I think about it. Anyway, the biggest areas of nastyness will be over custody and some cash I'm sure. Shared custody seems like a no brainer. How long I would need to pay spousal support I have no idea. We've been married about 20 years. I'd like to see an end date on that. She's working now and probably could make 70% of what I make. I don't know how that works out. But in our current financial arrangement I pretty much pay all the bills and already provide a decent size check to her to buy kids clothing, activities, and majority of groceries. I almost think I'd be paying less overall after a divorce with shared custody, but I'd still have spousal support and I'd prefer that doesn't go forever. Her mom is divorced and moved on to another man and won't get married because of financial reasons only so I fear that would be similar here. In some jurisdictions, the 20-year marriage mark poses the difference between a lifetime of financial post-divorce obligation and a set period with expiry. You'd really do well to seek legal advice in your jurisdiction to look at your options. It's crystal clear - like, not even a close call - based on what you've written - that your wife is disgusted by the thought of sex with you, and holds you in absolute contempt. According to Gottman's empirical research - such cases almost always end in divorce - therapy or not. |
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dd
Junior Member
Posts: 50
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on May 24, 2020 23:31:55 GMT -5
So within a few days of my last post, I got the nerve one day to get upset and call out how I've been feeling controlled and said when thins COVID thing is over, I'm moving out. She got angry at first and then I had a work call. We ended up going on a walk to talk things over.
On the walk she said I don't want things to be over, if I need to be your little slut, I will. To that I knew wouldn't be the case. It's just not possible for her to be in that role sexually without it being an act. But she also said maybe I need to find another person to do those things with. I stayed silent and thoughtful to convey it's something I'd consider.
We had a few more talks for about a week and had sex after about the third or fourth night and some "healing".
She was being very nice and friendly for those few days, but it was not her. It was her trying to be nice. I said, I appreciate her being more caring, but she still has to be her.
In the last 6 weeks or so, she's been better with the affection balance, but I think she thinks I'm being needy. I think she's happy where things are, but we also haven't had sex since then
I have started making some financial decisions so if I feel the need to move on, it's an easier step. I've also started looking online at possible matches for that extra friend with benefits whom I could spend some time with. My wife is a bit of an introvert, and my extrovert self makes me feel like I'm missing out on things I would enjoy. (Adjusting for COVID hasn't been an issue).
I don't know how this will work out in the end, but it's kind of my last-option to keep things together. I need to take steps to find my own happiness.
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Post by baza on May 25, 2020 6:37:33 GMT -5
As at April 5th it didn't appear that you had consulted a lawyer Brother dd . It would probably be a good idea to do that - if you haven't already. |
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Post by saarinista on May 25, 2020 7:45:37 GMT -5
dd it sounds like your wife is pretty uncaring about your needs. That's not very kind. 😕
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Post by Apocrypha on May 25, 2020 15:55:29 GMT -5
On the walk she said I don't want things to be over, if I need to be your little slut, I will. To that I knew wouldn't be the case. It's just not possible for her to be in that role sexually without it being an act. But she also said maybe I need to find another person to do those things with. I have found that when this topic is brought up in this particular way and circumstance, in my own marriage and in others - that it is likely she is already having an affair, or her expressed approval of yours, is used as tacit permission for her to seek her own affair shortly. It alleviates the guilt and makes you "even" morally. You'd best come to a crystal clear, verbal understanding of what is and isn't permissioned and what the consequences will be, very quickly, unless you want to deal with that as well. Like I had to. |
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Post by csl on May 25, 2020 21:27:15 GMT -5
So within a few days of my last post, I got the nerve one day to get upset and call out how I've been feeling controlled and said when thins COVID thing is over, I'm moving out. She got angry at first and then I had a work call. We ended up going on a walk to talk things over. On the walk she said I don't want things to be over, if I need to be your little slut, I will. To that I knew wouldn't be the case. It's just not possible for her to be in that role sexually without it being an act. But she also said maybe I need to find another person to do those things with. I stayed silent and thoughtful to convey it's something I'd consider. We had a few more talks for about a week and had sex after about the third or fourth night and some "healing". She was being very nice and friendly for those few days, but it was not her. It was her trying to be nice. I said, I appreciate her being more caring, but she still has to be her. In the last 6 weeks or so, she's been better with the affection balance, but I think she thinks I'm being needy. I think she's happy where things are, but we also haven't had sex since then I have started making some financial decisions so if I feel the need to move on, it's an easier step. I've also started looking online at possible matches for that extra friend with benefits whom I could spend some time with. My wife is a bit of an introvert, and my extrovert self makes me feel like I'm missing out on things I would enjoy. (Adjusting for COVID hasn't been an issue). I don't know how this will work out in the end, but it's kind of my last-option to keep things together. I need to take steps to find my own happiness. So you went on a walk with her to talk about it. And you've talked with her about it how many times since then? All too often, I come across husbands or wives who seem to think that a single mention should be enough to do the trick (you should pardon the pun). But it's not. It takes many talks, IF the refusing spouse is good-willed and willing to work. (All bets are off if complacency has set in.) One talk ain't enough, pure and simple. Okay, you made love once, she's been nicer and friendlier and more caring. Fine. But have you communicated what it is that needs to be in place, and talked about how you can get to that point? You say that you think she thinks... Yeah, that's good. Make assumptions rather than actually find out if this is the case. You might be right in assuming that she thinks that she has done a reset on you. Or it might be the case that she thinks that the way it is now is an improvement that you happy with. Have you talked with her to let her know that more is needed? You speak about this being your last option to keep it together. But it doesn't sound like she knows that it is, nor does it sound like you are acting like it is. Finally, as to the "I'll be your slut", yeah, you're right, that isn't her. NOW. I'm not saying that she needs to be a slut. Heck, I don't get that you are saying that you want her to be a slut. The fact that she used that term means that she has either bad information or a negative attitude (possibly both), but you won't know unless you talk. One and done is not a workable approach to discussing and creating a satisfactory sex life in a marriage. |
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dd
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on May 26, 2020 21:18:19 GMT -5
So you went on a walk with her to talk about it. And you've talked with her about it how many times since then? All too often, I come across husbands or wives who seem to think that a single mention should be enough to do the trick (you should pardon the pun). But it's not. It takes many talks, IF the refusing spouse is good-willed and willing to work. (All bets are off if complacency has set in.) One talk ain't enough, pure and simple. Okay, you made love once, she's been nicer and friendlier and more caring. Fine. But have you communicated what it is that needs to be in place, and talked about how you can get to that point? You say that you think she thinks... Yeah, that's good. Make assumptions rather than actually find out if this is the case. You might be right in assuming that she thinks that she has done a reset on you. Or it might be the case that she thinks that the way it is now is an improvement that you happy with. Have you talked with her to let her know that more is needed? You speak about this being your last option to keep it together. But it doesn't sound like she knows that it is, nor does it sound like you are acting like it is. Finally, as to the "I'll be your slut", yeah, you're right, that isn't her. NOW. I'm not saying that she needs to be a slut. Heck, I don't get that you are saying that you want her to be a slut. The fact that she used that term means that she has either bad information or a negative attitude (possibly both), but you won't know unless you talk. One and done is not a workable approach to discussing and creating a satisfactory sex life in a marriage. We talked a few times that week or two. I have not talked to a lawyer about it yet. I was hoping to meet personally with someone after this lock-down is up. I think if I went now it would be tough. I don't think the open relationship thing would work even if I found someone. First, it's very hard for me to find someone with out leaving the home, and my job and community volunteering is high profile, so I can't just go on dating sites posting my picture everywhere. But if I found someone, my sudden absences from the house at odd times would be obvious and I don't think she'd be okay with that. We'll need to continue to talk or get counseling. She was big on that as a solution when I was upset, but she really seems to want to avoid it. Seems like that might be more painful for her to have someone point possible faults or areas for improvement at her. I think for me the last few weeks are a bit easier because I'm empowering myself with a bit of a plan. Not a perfect one, but I'm getting more strength to go in that direction. Also the next time I mention about leaving it no longer will be the first. I think she understands a bit more from the perspective that I don't have much to lose at this point because much of the things I've had (friends, freedom, ability to get passionate sex, and ability to not be judged) have already been taken so the biggest unknown factor is how the kids are affected. |
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Post by Apocrypha on May 26, 2020 23:54:27 GMT -5
I don't think the open relationship thing would work even if I found someone. First, it's very hard for me to find someone with out leaving the home, and my job and community volunteering is high profile, so I can't just go on dating sites posting my picture everywhere. But if I found someone, my sudden absences from the house at odd times would be obvious and I don't think she'd be okay with that. Ya, and I'm also with csl on the one and done not actually building the structural lifestyle in which you feel loved at home or even in a continuous sense. Sex as a planned event - like one plans for a vacation - isn't the same thing as living it. In addition, no matter your intentions, women who even might be inclined toward an open relationship are notoriously skiddish against getting involved in another women's business -- partly because they don't need to. With minimal effort, women could probably attract eager suitors from a random lineup at Starbucks, if that's what they wanted. On the other hand, if that's your deal with your wife all SHE needs to do is snap her finger at a Starbucks lineup, and someone there will volunteer. In the open relationship biz and in the online dating biz, women have the deck stacked overwhelmingly in their favour compared to most men. What's more common as a first play in this game is a "keep it on the down low and I don't want to know about it" arrangement. That's a total trap. It means you have to work just as hard as an affair to keep it secret- the responsibility and risk is all on you. It also means you can get pretty far down the road with it before she accidentally finds out and it's already been done. Then it might as well BE an affair discovered, because that's where she'll discover that maybe she wasn't all that good with it -- when it's too late. Plus, even if it takes a year or two with that hallpass active, for her it means the day after she grants it, you COULD be having an affair, and it can toxify the relationship even further. Or, as before, she later on uses it as a tacit excuse to engage in her own affair because "it's fair" but neglects to tell you that it's also open on her end. |
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Post by saarinista on May 27, 2020 3:49:24 GMT -5
dd I'll reiterate what others mentioned: the "I'll be your little slut" comment is odd. What the heck? If it's that big an imposition for her to have sex with her husband, let alone make love, sheesh. Who needs it? You deserve better. I know a marriage is hard to leave, but she has her nerve! Good grief.
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dd
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on May 27, 2020 14:00:41 GMT -5
I think she just wants to associate it all to a mid-life crisis.
But yes, as you get older and the rope around you gets tighter and tighter and each decision and friend is questioned, eventually it is too much.
I told her I felt like I wasn't living my own life anymore and the vise keeps tightening.
It isn't one thing, it's years of small things getting tigher.
Regarding the I'll be your little slut, thing. I take that as a throw away comment in the moment to try to hold things together when being shocked by the situation. Kind of like she felt like she lost all power in who is controlling our relationship. She has been for almost all of it and I've been a peacemaker.
I am starting think that what might happen now, even if not pushed much by me is she'll eventually discover that we're not meant to be anymore.
I am a prominent volunteer in a public facing non-profit and my role is only increasing, and rather than be proud, she has been telling me how it has messed up her relationships with her people in that community because of my role. (Like people are less likely to discuss complaints, gossip, etc).
These are new friends that I have made and now she's feeling the need to control that as well. So one moment she says she wants me to go find friends (since my previous friends were all to vile to have around the kids). But now my new friends aren't bad for the kids, they are bad for her social life. (And yes, she has other social circles outside of this).
When discussing this yesterday I pointed that out that she really doesn't want me to have friends it appears, or she wants to get rid of my new friends. She backed off a bit, but I think these type of conversations will make her realize she doesn't want to be with me, or it becomes more apparent how controlling she is even to herself.
Anyway, I sound like I'm venting random ramblings, but me having sex, me having friends, me having hobbies are all just nuisances for her.
Her spin has always been that it takes away from "family time". Meanwhile I am typically (before quarrantine) in the same house as my kids every hour of the day (I work from home) and I have a very flexible job so I barely ever miss a game or school event. I also do about half the cooking so I'm present with them for almost all meals, breakfast, lunch, dinner.
I think she knows I'm a good dad and our family is almost perfect in her eyes except for all of the projects she wants done. There is a new project every day for the yard, the house, this, that, etc. There is no point at which she'll ever be satisfied I'm afraid.
I don't know how I deal with that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2020 15:59:15 GMT -5
"I think she knows I'm a good dad and our family is almost perfect in her eyes except for all of the projects she wants done. There is a new project every day for the yard, the house, this, that, etc. There is no point at which she'll ever be satisfied I'm afraid.
I don't know how I deal with that."
It's a legitimate fear and concern. At my age (about 10 years older than you) I had the same concerns at the same age and it's only gotten worse. I have come to view the "projects" as a way to control my time. My learning curve was too steep on this and now I'm building an entire house and it's going very difficult with me taking over from a number of poor performing subcontractors. As soon as the house is done, I need to evaluate how I spend my time. Am I doing only for others?
I'm just agreeing with you. Don't diminish the worry.
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Post by northstarmom on May 27, 2020 16:00:42 GMT -5
“ When discussing this yesterday I pointed that out that she really doesn't want me to have friends it appears, or she wants to get rid of my new friends. She backed off a bit, but I think these type of conversations will make her realize she doesn't want to be with me, or it becomes more apparent how controlling she is even to herself.
Anyway, I sound like I'm venting random ramblings, but me having sex, me having friends, me having hobbies are all just nuisances for her.
Her spin has always been that it takes away from "family time". Meanwhile I am typically (before quarrantine) in the same house as my kids every hour of the day (I work from home) and I have a very flexible job so I barely ever miss a game or school event. I also do about half the cooking so I'm present with them for almost all meals, breakfast, lunch, dinner.”
From what you posted, it’s obvious that she is not a woman who is compatible with you. Why are you waiting for her to move on when you have the right to calm it quits? Or you can continue to be with a controlling wife whom you seem to have lost love for. Your life, your choice.
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Post by baza on May 27, 2020 20:24:12 GMT -5
Brother dd . Your run of posts reads like you've ceded control over your choices to your spouse. In the absence of you making your choices, she's making the key choices for you. And you ain't real happy with the outcomes of what she's choosing for you. That's the thing. If you won't make your own choices, then someone or something will make them for you, and you will wear the consequences of that just as certainly as if you had deliberately made the choice yourself. For that reason, I'd suggest you take a far more pro-active position in regard to your choices. After all, if you are going to wear the consequences (and you are) then you need to be the one making your choices. With you making your choices, you are some chance of producing favourable consequences. With someone or something else making the choices for you, you are no chance of getting a favourable outcome - except by accident. |
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