|
Post by pheonix25 on Sept 30, 2017 12:24:43 GMT -5
Hey everyone, im new here! I just wanted to say that i have been reading everyones story and its already helped so much. I dont feel alone! Im pretty private so my sexless marriage isnt something i ever get to talk about and honestly its caused me so much stress and anxiety that its just nice knowing i have somewhere to vent now!
|
|
|
Post by pheonix25 on Sept 30, 2017 12:25:22 GMT -5
Hey everyone, im new here! I just wanted to say that i have been reading everyones story and its already helped so much. I dont feel alone! Im pretty private so my sexless marriage isnt something i ever get to talk about and honestly its caused me so much stress and anxiety that its just nice knowing i have somewhere to vent now!
|
|
|
Post by pheonix25 on Sept 30, 2017 12:25:34 GMT -5
Hey everyone, im new here! I just wanted to say that i have been reading everyones story and its already helped so much. I dont feel alone! Im pretty private so my sexless marriage isnt something i ever get to talk about and honestly its caused me so much stress and anxiety that its just nice knowing i have somewhere to vent now!
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Sept 30, 2017 12:57:07 GMT -5
I live in a sexless marriage, but it wasn't always like this.
We met in school and married three years later - I was initially drawn to her by her laugh and her fun-loving nature.
The bond was made stronger by our parents - all four of them irredeemable assholes:
• (step)Dad1: Hateful, self-esteem destroying, conniving, jealous, trap-setting narcissist who would deliver a beating to anyone (including his spouse and my elderly grandfather) at the drop of a pin. I believe to this day that he was fully capable of rage-manslaughter. When he died I was totally ambivalent - I got the call, said "thanks" and went back to sleep.
• (adoptive)Dad2: Couldn't control his rage either, Inappropriate touching (last grope she was in her 30's), constant screaming and waiving of arms, and cares for no one except himself. To my wife's partial relief he was diagnosed with mental illness. She took care of his retirement home issues and has now gone no-contact.
• Mom1: Game player, controller, OCD-infected spy, petty-thief, who would punish her child by inflicting pain via his penis - was drawn to guys like Dad1 (3 of them to date) - and she used her child as a human-buffer to absorb the abuse from Dad1. Her latest (no 4) seems a nice guy (they all did at first) but this has been a no-contact situation for about 10 years now and I've no interest in knowing anything about them.
• (adoptive)Mom2: remained mentally 14 years old till the day she died - a poison to everyone she came into contact with and a scheming, tale-spreading, self-absorbed trap-setter hate-centered narcissist who was also prone to violent outbursts.
We often joke that we raised each other, and that's not very far from the truth at all.
She still has that laugh, and I still love her more than I can possibly express.
I still love her, but we're no longer lovers.
..Been married for 34 years (together for 37) and, unless you count the SM, we still have a great marriage. Problem is that it's *kinda* tough NOT to count that.
At first, we were hyper-sexual. It was an "any time no one was looking" kinda thing. Sometimes people WERE looking and we didn't care. This stage lasted for the first 15 years.
Infidelity? Once each, when we went to separate colleges 2 or 3 years into the relationship. She confessed, I confessed, we both forgave. Sexually we were (without being "in a lifestyle") pretty adventurous: if someone caught our fancy we were likely to sleep with them - 2 different guys and one couple - never random strangers or anything like that.
We used to like watching porn together and frequented amateur websites, even made a video of our own (just us, never shared) that remains my only real connection to what used to be. At times though watching that can be a torturous reminder of what's missing - but I'm drawn like a moth to a flame. At other times I feel more like its poison and I want to destroy it, but to date I just can't bring myself to do so.
During the last 15 years, her desire began to wane. Unnoticeable at first, but steadily, and the situation became SM about 5 - 7 years ago.
It got to a point that I began having performance issues - in the middle of an encounter I would get the sense that she was just doing it for me. IMO, if you're a normal, well-adjusted individual, sex isn't something you do FOR someone, or ON someone, or TO someone - it's something you do WITH someone. I felt like a "taker" and it wasn't helping.
However: I can see every morning that my problem isn't physical. It only happens when I think...
At one point she told me that the way I kissed he was “gross.” I hadn’t changed anything?
The very last attempt: she asked me to try something pretty kinky. It wasn't for me, but I wanted to do my best to play along - what else did I have?. I repeated something she said she wanted me to do to her - then she told me I was disgusting and the sex door slammed shut like a jail cell. These days, if I try anything beyond a brotherly kiss good night, she'll jump away like I'm on fire. She doesn't want to talk about it either - so here I am.
Of note though she has multiple issues contributing: Menopause, for one. A bad disc in her back for another. She does do things about those, but really it's going to be an issue that can never really be totally fixed. How do you fight time? How do you fight hormonal imbalances without risking health? Do you discard your best friend because they're getting old? I think not.
The whole thing though with her back issue: she didn't want to make love when it hurts, because it hurts, and didn't want to make love when it didn't hurt, because it may start hurting.
On my side - I used to drink a lot and act like an asshole. Never any physical abuse but I’ll tell you – I was not easy to live with. At one point she told me I had to choose between the beer and her, and I cut the drinking off cold. That was 2 - 3 years ago. These days I don't even like drinking anymore (even when away from home) because it makes me feel sleepy, stupid and lazy.
She drinks also - but not when I'm around - she can act like an asshole too, and she knows it. She drinks after I go to bed - which brings up another point: we haven't gone to bed together, even just to sleep, since about 2005. She'll come to bed around 2AM - 3AM and I know from experience it wouldn't be a good idea to try to initiate anything.
Affairs for me: I've thought about it, but I don't need the further complications, and I don't want to lead an outside partner on in an emotional way. I did that once online and it was a serious mess I will regret for the rest of my life. Nor do I want to deal with the necessary lies and evasion - my wife and I know each other far too well to pull that one off.
Affairs for her: I almost wish for that - it would give me an answer to the question: "Is it just me or is it sex in general?" So far I don't suspect she's been pursuing that avenue at all.
So here I sit, with my good friend "Mr. Hand." I've worn out the porn, mostly - and I've worn out masturbating in odd places, and - well - without getting graphic I've worn out just about everything I could think of.
So why am I on this board? Mostly for talking with people in a similar situation. I have no desire to leave my marriage - I just want to find a better way of dealing with this situation.
Thanks for listening.
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Sept 30, 2017 15:04:34 GMT -5
Welcome to the club, it sucks to read your story but I know it feels good to share with people that understand.
|
|
|
Post by cheesecake on Sept 30, 2017 17:28:35 GMT -5
Hello all,
Didn't realise EP had spawned this forum. I'm glad to find it. I originally came across EP by accident - and ended up becoming involved with someone for more than two years. Sadly, it didn't/couldn't work out for us. We were at slightly different junctures of our lives, especially as regards our kids (hers were much older) so, understandably, she felt she had to end it. I came so close to leaving my marriage - but ultimately I had to put my daughters' wellbeing first. So I'm still here, still getting deeply unsatisfactory sex once in a blue moon and precious little in the way of affection or any kind of physical contact. I look forward to reading what you've all written and I'll try and contribute when I feel I have something useful to say. It's a struggle, that's for sure.
|
|
|
Post by h on Sept 30, 2017 18:50:41 GMT -5
|
|