onempty
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Post by onempty on Mar 1, 2022 12:03:03 GMT -5
Tonight I’m going to tell my wife I need more intimacy or we need a divorce. I’m not sure how it will go or if I’ll have the courage to say it. We’ll see.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 1, 2022 12:38:58 GMT -5
Talk to a lawyer before talking to your wife. Know what your rights and responsibilities will be if divorce is decided on. And be dead serious about your threat to divorce. Be specific about what "more intimacy" means. Really be prepared or else all you will do is shred your cred.
Frankly, if I had to threaten my partner to get him to fuck me, I would prefer divorce. BTDT after a 34-year marriage and now have been almost 9 years with a man who loves me including sexually. I know you can't make someone love you the way you want them to.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 1, 2022 13:07:28 GMT -5
Have at it. But you will most likely not get out of it what you think. At best, maybe pity(ful) or reset sex. If you love your wife and life is pretty uneventful otherwise, you may want to consider releasing her of this burden and find/seek intimacy elsewhere. This has to be managed with tact. If your wife is receptive, permission to engage elsewhere might be a discussion. If she is not receptive, don't ask, dont tell might be the way to go. But leading a double life comes with its own stressors. Getting divorced solely for lack of sex is a price many people are willing to pay. But making a threat to divorce really has no upside. You need to come clean and express your desire for the divorce and explain the reasons behind it. Again, your wife may offer pity sex but this does not solve your problem. If your married life is miserable irrespective of the sex, than get a divorce without question but there is no point in making threats under the guise of missing intimacy. Happiness does not come without costs/effort. The trick is to decide which costs you are willing to live with and which ones you can do without. So The options are always the same. Stay, outsource, or leave Threats do not really play a part. You need to ask yoirsf what price are you willing to pay for your happiness/sanity. So at the end of the day, and this is something that took me too long to come to grips with, what it really comes down to is owning the decision for your happiness and not misdirecting the blame towards your wife. Tonight I’m going to tell my wife I need more intimacy or we need a divorce. I’m not sure how it will go or if I’ll have the courage to say it. We’ll see. |
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onempty
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Post by onempty on Mar 1, 2022 14:23:32 GMT -5
You both are right of course. We’ve been married 23 years and sex, or lack of has always been a problem. Outside of sex the marriage is pretty good. We’ve had times where we have reset sex and things are great for awhile but it always reverts back to no sex and no touching even. We’ve had the talk many times over the years without a threat of divorce and it never goes well. It usually escalates the fight. I’m just so fucking sick of it. I’ll have to rethink what I’m going to say.
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onempty
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Post by onempty on Mar 1, 2022 14:27:24 GMT -5
Talk to a lawyer before talking to your wife. Know what your rights and responsibilities will be if divorce is decided on. And be dead serious about your threat to divorce. Be specific about what "more intimacy" means. Really be prepared or else all you will do is shred your cred. Frankly, if I had to threaten my partner to get him to fuck me, I would prefer divorce. BTDT after a 34-year marriage and now have been almost 9 years with a man who loves me including sexually. I know you can't make someone love you the way you want them to. And I know I need to talk to a lawyer but with the length of time we’ve been married and she not working the last 11 years due to an autoimmune disease (not the reason our sex lives suck so bad) I know it’s going to be financially devastating for me. |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 1, 2022 18:05:46 GMT -5
Tonight I’m going to tell my wife I need more intimacy or we need a divorce. I’m not sure how it will go or if I’ll have the courage to say it. We’ll see. Threatening someone to get sex seems so demeaning. I was also in a 34 year marriage. Getting out was hard but I got to the point I really could not have good days with him. We had ok days and good days inspite of him but never really with him that's how I knew it was time to pull the plug. Was not easy but so worth it. I did outsource for years. It helped but eventually I was just angry for having to go that route for living in a marriage that to me was fake . We were roommates. If as you say it would destroy you financially and things are good besides the sex and affection. You could stay and outsource or if you are close to retirement and kids are grown you could wait for retirement and try for an uncontested divorce. Sell the house each get what you can afford with your half split up the retirement funds. Stay friends and enjoy your life. I moved out of a 3000 SQ ft home and moved into a 1 bedroom apartment. We split the savings I took half his 401k and all if mine ( which was literally nothing) let him keep the house and the equity it was far from being paid off and I just wanted to live my life. I have never regretted it for a minute. If you really want the divorce I would try nicely since you get along. And yes probably a lawyer. I didn't do it in that order but I guess I got lucky. I knew he would not want the divorce but also new he would agree to the financial plan I had. Missouri is a 50/50 state I was entitled to half his 401k minus mine so I didn't get much extra and he would have had to sell the house. Just saying think through what you think she would agree to or if she would take you to the cleaners. |
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onempty
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Post by onempty on Mar 1, 2022 18:17:21 GMT -5
Everyone saying I’m telling my wife “give me sex or I’m divorcing you “. I did say “intimacy” and I wouldn’t have said it quite so blatantly. But lack of any touch has drove me to this point. I think it has pretty much all of us on here.
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Post by baza on Mar 1, 2022 18:53:34 GMT -5
It doesn't read like you are very well prepared for this discussion Brother onempty . It might be smart to (as you say) - "re-think it" - and scrub the idea until such time as you are as well prepared as you can be. The start of that getting prepared aspect is getting your legal advice. Every thing else hangs off that. If you are determined to proceed with this discussion without being fully prepared, then it is imperative that you do not say anything that you are not prepared to do and don't get goaded in to making threats you aren't prepared to carry out. Let all the emotional air out of the balloon and stick with the facts and only the facts. |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 1, 2022 19:01:03 GMT -5
Everyone saying I’m telling my wife “give me sex or I’m divorcing you “. I did say “intimacy” and I wouldn’t have said it quite so blatantly. But lack of any touch has drove me to this point. I think it has pretty much all of us on here. Sorry was not picking on you. I know how desperate these situations can make us. My thought was if you give her an ultimatum for divorce or intimacy or even affection will it be anything you really want? |
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Post by rejected101 on Mar 1, 2022 19:03:08 GMT -5
My take on this is as follows:
Getting advice from a lawyer first is an option. No harm in it. But is that completely necessary? What if the lawyer gives you some financial numbers or information you aren’t happy about? Will that mean you can stay in the marriage and train yourself to be happy? Absolutely not. So seeking legal advice first is optional in my opinion. Seeking legal advice at some point is 100% necessary.
Secondly, only make the threat if that’s your genuine intention. The actual idea of a threat with conditions remains exactly that. It tells your partner that they have an out so you’re not really serious. I’d probably not make the threat, I’d probably now just say I crave more x,y or z. If they choose not to accommodate what you are saying would take you from sad to happy, they don’t care for you and don’t value you enough. If you crave intimacy and you don’t get it inside the marriage, in all probability fucking someone else will only paper over the cracks. You will be getting sex but you won’t be getting sex with whom you want it to be. In my ILIASM shithole, it wasn’t just the lack of sex that hurt, it was the lack of who I’m with not wanting me in that way. For me, fucking someone else would have scratched an itch and possibly even removed the sexual frustration element but it wouldn’t have resolved the fact that she didn’t want me in that way. I’d probably have become even more resentful of it in fact.
Lastly. I think you’ve mentioned your marriage is good in most ways but for intimacy. But is it though? Truly? I was sold on the idea that my marriage was an amazing marriage short of some sexual touch that I dearly craved. Once I was out I realised just how badly I had been being treated in so many other ways. It had become normal for me to be treated that way and therefore I knew no different. Bit like a child raised in a cold country where the summer temperature soars to a massive 60 degreesF doesn’t understand the beauty of a summer where the temperatures are a lovely 85 degreesF.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 1, 2022 20:38:25 GMT -5
rejected: "Getting advice from a lawyer first is an option. No harm in it. But is that completely necessary? What if the lawyer gives you some financial numbers or information you aren’t happy about? Will that mean you can stay in the marriage and train yourself to be happy? Absolutely not. So seeking legal advice first is optional in my opinion. Seeking legal advice at some point is 100% necessary."
What if the lawyer tells you something like if you are married 1 more year, you will have to split your assets and debt 50:50?
What if the lawyer tells you under no circumstances to move out without getting a separation agreement?
What if the lawyer gives you information that tells you that if you divorce, you'd have a good chance of getting 50:50 child custody?
What's the point of threatening divorce without knowing what a divorce would entail?
Onempty said: "Everyone saying I’m telling my wife “give me sex or I’m divorcing you “. I did say “intimacy” and I wouldn’t have said it quite so blatantly. But lack of any touch has drove me to this point. I think it has pretty much all of us on here."
Regardless of what kind of physical intimacy you are willing to settle for, do you really want to be with a woman who only kisses or touches you after you've threatened her with divorce? Obviously, she doesn't want to touch you. Threatening her with divorce isn't going to make her want to kiss, hug or touch you.
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Post by rejected101 on Mar 1, 2022 20:58:55 GMT -5
rejected: "Getting advice from a lawyer first is an option. No harm in it. But is that completely necessary? What if the lawyer gives you some financial numbers or information you aren’t happy about? Will that mean you can stay in the marriage and train yourself to be happy? Absolutely not. So seeking legal advice first is optional in my opinion. Seeking legal advice at some point is 100% necessary." What if the lawyer tells you something like if you are married 1 more year, you will have to split your assets and debt 50:50? What if the lawyer tells you under no circumstances to move out without getting a separation agreement? What if the lawyer gives you information that tells you that if you divorce, you'd have a good chance of getting 50:50 child custody? What's the point of threatening divorce without knowing what a divorce would entail? Onempty said: "Everyone saying I’m telling my wife “give me sex or I’m divorcing you “. I did say “intimacy” and I wouldn’t have said it quite so blatantly. But lack of any touch has drove me to this point. I think it has pretty much all of us on here." Regardless of what kind of physical intimacy you are willing to settle for, do you really want to be with a woman who only kisses or touches you after you've threatened her with divorce? Obviously, she doesn't want to touch you. Threatening her with divorce isn't going to make her want to kiss, hug or touch you. I stand corrected if this is the case northstsrmom. In the uk, if you’re married, you split 50/50 and that’s on day 1 or day 10000000001. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 1, 2022 21:00:40 GMT -5
I'd suggest finding a more tactful way to get the answer you need , then you can press forward with ending things ( a divorce). I remember when we had a third party involved . My now ex W and I had a therapist giving us marriage counselling. (not that you need that) He asked my then wife, " define what role intimacy and sex plays in a marriage? How important is sex and intimacy to you? " Maybe you could get one of her female friends to ask her these two questions and report back to you?
I did give my now ex an ultimatum, regarding sex and intimacy..I told her what my boundary would be. I said " I would like us to have sex once a week. Will you do that with me?"
Her response? " I could never do that" that certainly answered it for me!. I had already talked with my attorney ,and her behavior sealed the deal. This, from the woman who wanted to rip my clothes off when she wanted to have a baby!
Congratulations on seeing the light. Sounds like the F.O.G. ( Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is lifting? You both deserve more. Hard to see this now, but think of it as giving her a gift as well. You are setting her free, free to be her true self . And you will be free from the fake mask of a SM.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 2, 2022 7:05:30 GMT -5
Tonight I’m going to tell my wife I need more intimacy or we need a divorce. I’m not sure how it will go or if I’ll have the courage to say it. We’ll see. If it's not too late, may I offer this post? |
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 2, 2022 11:11:20 GMT -5
My advice and observations is similar to others in this thread.
In hindsight, I'd no sooner want to have sex with someone I had to threaten with divorce than I would want to dine with someone I had to invite at gunpoint. There are reasons gun training courses stress that you never draw a gun on someone unless you intend to use it.
In my experience watching many many of these kinds of discussions ("the Talk"), the averse spouse never actually takes any of it seriously unless there is a clear and present threat - imminent. By imminent, I don't mean "if X doesn't happen, then I will have to do Y at some point in the future." I mean that a third party is already engaged and known - be it a lawyer or a lover or something that exists in this world other than a vague promise of consequences at some future point. It suddenly becomes important to attend to when the affair is revealed, when the choice between an open relationship starting next week or divorce is offered, or when the separation is served and there is an option between a "therapeutic" separation, guided by a counsellor with intent to reunite - or a separation with intent to divorce.
Legal advice guides you away from mistakes in any of these situations. In some jurisdictions, moving out of the house constitutes abandonment. In some, infidelity may affect the course of a divorce and various obligations.
I'd suggest come at this with as much empathy as you can for her situation to figure out how to make it easiest on the both of you to configure your relationship truthfully. Make it easy for her to explain her reasons, if she is able, for her loss of connection and desire for you as a marital partner.
I like the way, phrased upthread, that the conversation is anchored first on what constitutes a marriage - something you'd both agree to.
What separates a marriage from, say, amicable co-parents, amicable ex-spouses and other kinds of positive co-operative and even loving relationships? What do you both agree is different about a marriage from those other formats? Once that is established in a way that you both agree - then compare what the two of you actually have vs what you agree a marriage is.
Then you are well positioned to decide what to do about it.
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