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Post by baza on Mar 3, 2022 20:29:01 GMT -5
There are all sorts of considerations that you have to take into account in a divorce situation Brother onempty . How your missus feels about it. How your kids will feel about it. How your side of the family feel about it. How your missus side of the family feel about it. How your friends feel about it. How your spouses friends feel about it. How you and your spouses mutual friends feel about it. All these (and more) need to be taken under consideration, but they are very much secondary considerations, to be managed as best you can - in the full knowledge that you are not going to be able to be 'all things to all people'. The prime consideration, #1 priority, is how YOU feel about it, and what is in YOUR best interests longer term. That's what your choice needs to be based on. All these other people don't get voting rights on your choice. They are adults - like you - who can make their own choices as they see fit. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 4, 2022 5:54:38 GMT -5
If you don't want a divorce, figure out a way to stay. Stay and cheat. Maybe your relationship at home will improve. ... until then, invest in yourself and your wellbeing. Mental, spiritual, physical and sexual well being.
Mar 3, 2022 18:48:34 GMT -5 ironhamster said: Keep in mind that they will know these relationship problems exist whether they are prolonged or brought to a conclusion. A home can be a broken home even with a legally intact marriage. My plan had been to outsource. Started dating platonically to see if I plausibly could find a lover. It was my drug-resistant depressed daughter who quickly spotted my behavior and asked difficult questions. I've read depressed people can commonly have an enhanced sense of empathy and detect emotional turmoil much quicker. It may provoke anxiety that sharpens their focus on the disturbances in The Force. After the legal ducks get put in a row, priming yourself for the dating scene provides a focus away from the rejection of the SM. It's a very potent balm. May I recommend bestowing upon your family and wife generosity and focused attention so as to make possible romantic fulfillment the proper right of a man who is attentive to his family's other needs. I slipped up on that score, at first. The lure of the hunt can be very distracting and distraction was good. |
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Post by steve1968 on Mar 4, 2022 11:15:33 GMT -5
@oneempty - I am in a similar situation and we had an intimacy talk a couple of weeks ago. She was receptive to it and acknowledged that she missed the lack of physical contact. Note that I never said sex, nor did she. I also have never spoken the word divorce to her. I think those words create something that can't be taken back or fixed. Now in some situations, those words need to be spoken. Not in mine, IMHO. Frankly, if I was leaving, I'd probably just get everything in order and just up and leave one morning before she got up. It would take a hell of a lot of work and research in advance to make that happen. I'm not there yet.
She's coming to bed with me one night a week for snuggling mostly. We'll see. Like many here in a SM, I would say "the marriage is good other than the lack of sex". Much advice here that would point out that this is likely somewhat delusional.
Good luck.
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onempty
Junior Member
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Post by onempty on Mar 5, 2022 3:43:27 GMT -5
Things no better even though we tried to talk it out again. When we say “talk” I mean we talk about how deeply my words hurt her when I said she’s selfish and I’m beginning to resent her. Nothing about sex or intimacy. I’m done. Been researching lawyers and found one I’m calling Monday. I’ve been a good, faithful husband to her and now my life will be in shambles. She’s beautiful and will be with another man within a month I bet. I guess I’ll have to not pay any attention to that but boy will that hurt. I love my wife but it’s so painful that it isn’t returned.
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Post by baza on Mar 5, 2022 5:00:03 GMT -5
Your missus has been (and still is) running her own agenda, and you've been (and still are) collateral damage to that Brother onempty . And whereas you fear your "life will be in shambles" in a divorce, it actually looks like under your missus' stewardship she has already turned your marriage into a shambles. If you take over making the choices for your life, you can hardly do a worse job than her. Good luck with your legal consultation on Monday. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 5, 2022 8:08:28 GMT -5
Things no better even though we tried to talk it out again. When we say “talk” I mean we talk about how deeply my words hurt her when I said she’s selfish and I’m beginning to resent her. Nothing about sex or intimacy. I’m done. Been researching lawyers and found one I’m calling Monday. I’ve been a good, faithful husband to her and now my life will be in shambles. She’s beautiful and will be with another man within a month I bet. I guess I’ll have to not pay any attention to that but boy will that hurt. I love my wife but it’s so painful that it isn’t returned. I share some commonality with you as you move forward. My X was(is) a very attractive woman, even as she approaches age 70. She has kept her figure and would be viewed I think by other men as a milf. And from a physical desire standpoint I would not be surprised if another male pursued her. But like your misses she did not find me desirable the last few years we were married. I was no longer an alpha male in her eyes. What helped me let go was physically and emotionally distancing myself from her, just as she had done with me. Once I was able to do that life became much easier as the divorce went forward. I would encourage you to do the same. She may indeed take another man into her bed, but keep in mind she will most likely eventually treat him the same way she treats you, so the relationship will likely be of short duration. Always keep in mind that her actions are deliberate, and she knows how much they hurt you, but she is unapologetic. Instead, she turns your honesty toward her being selfish into something she can fault in you. Do some research online about questions you should ask the attorney when you meet. And who knows, you may not be in for a cleaning by you W. The shambles you fear may well be as much on her end as it is yours. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 5, 2022 9:17:59 GMT -5
onempty take a deep breath. As hard as it is to believe, you are at the beginning of an awakening of sorts. Be grateful for that every damn day. As you prepare for a divorce, make a commitment to not let resentment cloud your life. Don't get me wrong. The resentment is real. What I'm saying is that if you are mindful and tune your internal dialog, you can refocus that energy in some very powerful ways. There are some tools. A lot of the resentment comes from not getting the emotional validation you seek from your wife eventhough you are totally "in love" with her. This is actually not her fault but yours. And when you come to that realization you will become angry with yourself. Don't let that consume you though, you have to work through it. I offer some suggestions below. If any of this rings a bell, I highly encourage you to look into the book "No More Mr. Nice guy". It might open your eyes. You might see some deeply ingrained behaviour patterns that you won't like. I get the impression you are overly focused on your wife "she's beautiful", "she'll have another man" "my words hurt her". Thats great but do you think she is just as focused on you? Do you see an imbalance here? Is that on her or you? Don't get me wrong, you don't have to be a dick. There are ways to demonstrate emotional intelligence and empathy thats centered on your needs and wants. This might seem counter intuitive to some's nature and to how we are programmed as kids. If this rings a bell than I would highly encourage you to look into stoicism and read up on Marcus Aurelius. Stoicism is a philosoohy and outlook on life. It is not a 2 week journey or 12 step program. But even if you start to arm yourself with this knowledge it will prove useful. Anger. Its an emotion you need to become comfortable with. Properly channeled it can lead to positive outcomes. Not properly treated can lead to unfortunate erratic behavior. Be the former and not the latter. Find activities where to channel your anger. It could be weightlifting, running, boxing, martial arts, ballroom dancing, cycling. Etc. Other ideas are hiking, swimming, or even creative outlets like music, painting, writing, creating art etc. If you are having trouble, think back to when you were wild and free at 13 or 14 yrs old. What was it that occupied your mind and time. Well its time tonget reacquainted with that 13 or 14 yr old and indulge his fancy. If its in you, volunteering might also be a way to release some strong emotions. It is true when we help others we help oursleves. Make no mistake. This is all hard work. But its worth it because its an investment in you. If you don't invest in you, neither will others. If you first dont love yourself, neither will others. Get good sleep, watch what you eat, meditate, exercise, be disciplined with your interal dialog, practice gratitude very single day. All these things will serve you well. The day might come where your wife will be with another man. Internalize that and be at peace with it. You don't do yourself any favors by putting her on a pedestal. If she doesn't do her own heavylifting she will be some other dude's problem now. Show empathy for him. 😉 You have at least one guy cheering for you. If you are paying attention there will be others. Things no better even though we tried to talk it out again. When we say “talk” I mean we talk about how deeply my words hurt her when I said she’s selfish and I’m beginning to resent her. Nothing about sex or intimacy. I’m done. Been researching lawyers and found one I’m calling Monday. I’ve been a good, faithful husband to her and now my life will be in shambles. She’s beautiful and will be with another man within a month I bet. I guess I’ll have to not pay any attention to that but boy will that hurt. I love my wife but it’s so painful that it isn’t returned.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 5, 2022 10:14:48 GMT -5
Sending hugs and wishing you the best. I know it's all hard. Staying is hard, leaving is hard, starting over is hard . It's best to try to have a positive attitude. Don't fucus on what bad things could result. Try for an uncontested divorce were you split the debt and the assets 50/50. She may have another guy in a month but she may not. I've seen it go both ways. The two that found another guy did it out of desperation and revenge and couldn't hold up their end and are now single and not even dating. The one that didn't even date because she can't trust men if her husband will leave her. ( Accepts no blame and plays the victim) instead focus on what you could have. Like not being rejected, affection, sex, love a happy home. Until you find that person lean on you family and friends and go to counseling it helps so much to keep a positive attitude and not be sucked into the guilt the self appointed victim puts on us. I recommend counseling now before you even get out. If I had to do it all over again I would have started before I left.
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 5, 2022 11:44:34 GMT -5
Things no better even though we tried to talk it out again. When we say “talk” I mean we talk about how deeply my words hurt her when I said she’s selfish and I’m beginning to resent her. Nothing about sex or intimacy. I’m done. Been researching lawyers and found one I’m calling Monday. I’ve been a good, faithful husband to her and now my life will be in shambles. She’s beautiful and will be with another man within a month I bet. I guess I’ll have to not pay any attention to that but boy will that hurt. I love my wife but it’s so painful that it isn’t returned. It will hurt, yes. Another way to look at it though, is that she definitely isn't with you and hasn't been for a long time. So, it's someone with whom you don't have a sexual relationship. And, you really don't. Sit with that a bit and let it sink all the way in, and you will find that it helps to realize that none of this is new to your life; it's just a realization that it's been this way for a while. In the "after" period, much of the attraction and investment will evaporate and you'll be able to see her again just as a normal person who you might meet on the street, or on a first date. Might take a good year to get there. I found much of my raw attraction to Mrs Apocrypha blew away after I came to that place and fell "out of love" with her. |
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onempty
Junior Member
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Post by onempty on Mar 8, 2022 21:34:19 GMT -5
I called one lawyer a couple days ago and he was busy and said he'd call me back today but he didn't. I'll try a different one tomorrow.
In the meantime she moved to the couch after I returned to the bedroom. The first night I kind of understand but the next night surprised me after we had a decent talk. I said, "really? You're sleeping on the couch again"? She said she wasn't ready to sleep in the same bed as me. Wtf? Then last night she spent at her mom's. Her mom had been bugging her to do that unaware what is really going on but I'm sure my wife had an easy time saying yes to her mom. That night she sent me a couple unsolicited texts saying she does love me. I went to sleep for some reason thinking that today would be different but the moment I got home she was very cold towards me and looks like she is sleeping on the couch again tonight. It blows my mind she says she loves me and doesn't want to divorce but then acts like this.
I want to move out for a trial seperation but I need to talk to a lawyer first to make sure it isn't used against me. This really sucks. I hate feeling like this.
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Post by baza on Mar 8, 2022 22:56:02 GMT -5
Brother onempty . You can take to the bank that whatever choices and actions your missus engages in are based on what she thinks is in her own best interests, and your best interests don't figure in her thinking at all. The only person who can start thinking about, and making the relevant choices that are in your best interests , is you. Getting yourself fully informed about your legal rights (and responsibilities) in a divorce situation would be real smart, and would give you a solid base from which to conduct your next move(s). |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Mar 9, 2022 0:37:43 GMT -5
You've tried everything onempty but I am sure it is as futile as pushing a rope. I bought a property near our son and his 3 kids so now I am on my own 5-7 days and up there 7-9 at a time. I keep busy with "farm work", piddle and work from home as best I can, sleep on the couch with no apology and it is not discussed, then I am back to Florida.
I see myself as weaning from the marriage without doing anything official yet because dang if I am going to continue the stressful job and pay 1/2 as alimony as additional pain for my 3 decades of torture or for the sake of an empty nest future that does not even make sense. There's no retirement fun to look forward to so I do things now, trips, events, etc. with my boys and she is content to stay home and just go through the motions of safe living. And now her dogs are a great excuse to have to stay behind. She is pleasant, makes dinners, keeps inside of house clean but that's pretty much the end of it. I cannot have a conversation that is enjoyable or stimulatingly and I cannot share too much about work or life because as is the case with most refusers, I do not feel I can trust her; our words will be used against us with a refuser. So ambiguity is my specialty. So DO take the advice here from Baza and know your options but for me I am so spent I have to break this cycle before I lose interest in all the things I barely recall being interested in including proverbial 86 degree summer days versus the 64 degree hottest summer days I get within this marriage.
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Post by dallasgia on Mar 10, 2022 9:58:43 GMT -5
onemptyI am the female version of all you describe. Living what sounds like a very similar life. I, too, am wrestling with the same things as you. I stand in solidarity - I have no advice as I am as stuck but reading through advice given you has helped me. You are not alone. We can do this. Whatever “this” is, we can do it. We can.
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onempty
Junior Member
I'm almost free...
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Post by onempty on Mar 10, 2022 21:43:34 GMT -5
My wife continues to sleep on the couch. I should be happy because I rather like the bed to myself but it's such a "fuck you" to me it also pisses me off. I think I'm starting to hate her. I can't find a lawyer giving a free consult. I guess I'm going to have to suck it up and pay a couple hundred bucks.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 10, 2022 22:08:25 GMT -5
onempty: When it comes to something important like divorce, it's worth it to pay the money required to get the information that will help you make decisions in your best interest. I looked for the best legal advice I could find. I didn't ask for a free appointment. I expected to pay and was surprised when they didn't charge. I wonder whether you couldn't find a free consultation because lawyers assumed that since you were concerned up front about cost, you wouldn't be able to pay what they charge to assist with a divorce.
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