onempty
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Post by onempty on Mar 11, 2022 3:36:48 GMT -5
onempty: When it comes to something important like divorce, it's worth it to pay the money required to get the information that will help you make decisions in your best interest. I looked for the best legal advice I could find. I didn't ask for a free appointment. I expected to pay and was surprised when they didn't charge. I wonder whether you couldn't find a free consultation because lawyers assumed that since you were concerned up front about cost, you wouldn't be able to pay what they charge to assist with a divorce. You could be right. But we are on such a tight budget that I don’t know how I’ll pay without her finding out I went to a lawyer. I guess it won’t matter if she knows. I took off my ring last night after I posted that so I guess the whole thing is escalating anyway. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 11, 2022 4:45:15 GMT -5
I called one lawyer a couple days ago and he was busy and said he'd call me back today but he didn't. I'll try a different one tomorrow. In the meantime she moved to the couch after I returned to the bedroom. The first night I kind of understand but the next night surprised me after we had a decent talk. I said, "really? You're sleeping on the couch again"? She said she wasn't ready to sleep in the same bed as me. Wtf? Then last night she spent at her mom's. Her mom had been bugging her to do that unaware what is really going on but I'm sure my wife had an easy time saying yes to her mom. That night she sent me a couple unsolicited texts saying she does love me. I went to sleep for some reason thinking that today would be different but the moment I got home she was very cold towards me and looks like she is sleeping on the couch again tonight. It blows my mind she says she loves me and doesn't want to divorce but then acts like this. I want to move out for a trial separation but I need to talk to a lawyer first to make sure it isn't used against me. This really sucks. I hate feeling like this. Your expression of surprise that she's staying away from you may have been taken as dismay. Perhaps it was. You're being punished of the presence of a desirable female. A privilege you've enjoyed for years with no gratitude. You kept wanting to touch her. Ungrateful animal. You'll have your crumbs and like it! Then when you failed to beg, she upped the ante and left the house entirely. Subtle. I was a bit taken aback at your shrugging off the unresponsive lawyer and just calling the next. (Wild hypothesis. Your wife already engaged that legal firm and he couldn't divulge that. Thus, ghosting.) Legal recon you can call upon in the future is a good thing. In the million to one shot she turns around, it'll have been a small waste of time. Your "feeling like that" is what's supposed to keep you in the marriage. Maybe that's okay, but minimal changes (your minimum, not hers, and not everything need be stated or set in stone) must occur. Then you took your ring off? Holy s*it. You saw her raise and dropped a fist of black chips on top of it. Playtime's over. If she doesn't want divorce, that is pant-soiling, that there. Mic drop. What are you doing to build a support network for being a single or dating-married man, if no meaningful reset occurs? Looking up old friends? Hitting the gym? Happy hour with co-workers? Meetup.com? Platonic practice on OKcupid? It'll give you less time "feeling like this". |
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 11, 2022 5:10:13 GMT -5
Your expression of surprise that she's staying away from you may have been taken as dismay. Perhaps it was. You're being punished of the presence of a desirable female. A privilege you've enjoyed for years with no gratitude. You kept wanting to touch her. Ungrateful animal. You'll have your crumbs and like it! Then when you failed to beg, she upped the ante and left the house entirely. Subtle. I was a bit taken aback at your shrugging off the unresponsive lawyer and just calling the next. (Wild hypothesis. Your wife already engaged that legal firm and he couldn't divulge that. Thus, ghosting.) Legal recon you can call upon in the future is a good thing. In the million to one shot she turns around, it'll have been a small waste of time. Your "feeling like that" is what's supposed to keep you in the marriage. Maybe that's okay, but minimal changes (your minimum, not hers, and not everything need be stated or set in stone) must occur. Then you took your ring off? Holy s*it. You saw her raise and dropped a fist of black chips on top of it. Playtime's over. If she doesn't want divorce, that is pant-soiling, that there. Mic drop. What are you doing to build a support network for being a single or dating-married man, if no meaningful reset occurs? Looking up old friends? Hitting the gym? Happy hour with co-workers? Meetup.com? Platonic practice on OKcupid? It'll give you less time "feeling like this". my thoughts are that contacting another lawyer is a good idea. Lawyers are just like car salesmen, charging different amounts for the same product. It doesn't hurt to shop a bit and determine if the initial quote he receives for a divorce is somewhere close to the going rate. The lawyer not returning his call may have been just busy with a current legal matter at the moment and doesn't have time to take on new work. Upping the Anty by taking off one's ring is bound to bring about a response from the W. Will she rethink her position or push more of her chips in by contacting an attorney if she feels things are really head into the crapper? This is where the game gets a bit more serious. |
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onempty
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Post by onempty on Mar 11, 2022 8:24:06 GMT -5
What are you doing to build a support network for being a single or dating-married man, if no meaningful reset occurs? Looking up old friends? Hitting the gym? Happy hour with co-workers? Meetup.com? Platonic practice on OKcupid? It'll give you less time "feeling like this".
I don’t have a support network at all. I have one friend out of state that I confide in but he’s a single guy and I can tell he is uncomfortable so I don’t talk much about it to him.
Most, pretty much all, of my friends have died or moved out of state. I’m very much alone. My coworkers are great but they are all married and not really the type that would go out. I have to get myself back in the gym. I had been working out about six months ago and had lost a lot of weight but gained it all back already. At 55 years old it’s kind of hard to make new friends. My wife and I had made so many plans… I just can’t understand how this has all gone to hell.
Once I’m divorced I think I might quit my job that I really like and go back to my old job of MRI tech but take traveling jobs. They give you a tax free per diem for food and housing so at least I have a decent place to live. I’m sure because of her autoimmune disease that I am going to be taken to the cleaners. I’m going to make a greater effort today to find a lawyer. I hate being this sad and tired.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 11, 2022 10:39:21 GMT -5
Regarding a free consult... Have you tried contacting the state bar association or a nearby university with a law school. There might be programs for free consultations. Take note of her actions, but try to get to a place mentally where they don't impact your mindset. If her actions are getting under your skin, she is living there rent free. Its not easy, but something to keep in mind. Ive seen marriages that are not ready for divorce and stay together for finacial and emotional reasons. This is a transitory state that gives time and space to transition into separate lives. I spoke to someone who stayed in this state for 7 years until they were both ready. This might be an option as you explore divorce. Call it a ceasefire, purgatory,or a truce. It might ease some of the tension that is unhealthy for both of you. That would the the objective. Take advantage of this time to ease into post divorce life, plan finances for divorce, seek legal advice, take up hobbies to redirect your energy, build your support network, build friendships outside your marriage, dabble in some platonic relationships. Basically everything you want to have in place, post divorce. If it were me exploring this option, I would completely disengage from the relationship cold turkey and focus 120% on myself and the kids as needed for the time being. Eventually moving to roommate staus on good terms until ready for divorce. She may lose her shit or leave if you quit cold turkey but don't engage or react. I would hear her out, but wouldn't offer anything more than "I need some emotional space and distance to work through some things I have on my mind". I see myself reflected in some of your story. Ive PMed you via this site. Im happy to help you brainstorm ideas that help you move forward if you think its helpful. My wife continues to sleep on the couch. I should be happy because I rather like the bed to myself but it's such a "fuck you" to me it also pisses me off. I think I'm starting to hate her. I can't find a lawyer giving a free consult. I guess I'm going to have to suck it up and pay a couple hundred bucks. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 11, 2022 11:36:13 GMT -5
It blows my mind she says she loves me and doesn't want to divorce but then acts like this. I want to move out for a trial seperation but I need to talk to a lawyer first to make sure it isn't used against me. This really sucks. I hate feeling like this. Did she say she doesn't want to divorce? You can love people but not want to be married to them. A "trial separation" is just simply a separation and likely divorce unless it is conducted with a mutually supported therapeutic mindset and likely directed by a counsellor. It's very rare that a separation occurring outside of those parameters ends up being a "let's try it out" situation. Best to start with truth there. Wishing you the best of luck and the easiest possible landings as you chart a course. |
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 11, 2022 11:52:06 GMT -5
"It blows my mind she says she loves me and doesn't want to divorce but then acts like this."
She may mean that she "loves" your paycheck, your help parenting, cleaning, fixing things, etc. Her actions are not those of a woman who is in love with you.
She also may be mouthing that she loves you because she plans to divorce you at the time that is the best time for her.
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Post by dallasgia on Mar 11, 2022 14:07:44 GMT -5
She also may be mouthing that she loves you because she plans to divorce you at the time that is the best time for her. From the woman side of what you are going through I can see Northstarmom’s take as extremely likely. For me, I am hellbent to control the timeline on my shithole marriage termination. My youngest graduates HS in May ‘22 & my oldest gets married Oct ‘22. My mothers protective instinct to not screw up the boys moments in time keep me in purgatory - no matter the cost. Maybe Mrs Onempty has a similar goal. |
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onempty
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Post by onempty on Mar 11, 2022 15:12:22 GMT -5
Well, we decided it best to get a divorce. She had some tears but certainly didn’t argue for me not to get one.
I talked to a lawyer today and it went about as expected. Most likely 50-50 split plus I’ll pay alimony. With our money together it was tight. I don’t know how either of us will get by. I feel like complete shit. She could get me back so easily but she won’t even try.
My daughter who suffers from depression is happy and laughing today because she got a new job. The thought of telling my girls has brought me to tears.
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Post by baza on Mar 11, 2022 19:32:16 GMT -5
So you've got your basic legal advice (that's a huge step forward) and you know pretty much how things will shake out in the split up (another big step forward) and you have - apparently - got agreement in principle with your missus (a further big step forward). You've done well thus far over the last few days Brother onempty . Catch your breath, then pick up the next thing to do, and knock that issue off, and so on. Go easy on yourself mate, you will almost certainly get some of these stages wrong as things unfold. Follow your processes, and the outcome will look after itself. You are in a way better position than you were a month ago. You've got some level of certainty in your future now. |
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onempty
Junior Member
I'm almost free...
Posts: 60
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by onempty on Mar 14, 2022 10:50:35 GMT -5
Last couple days we haven't saw much of each other. One day it seems like we are 100% divorcing the next maybe we will at least try therapy. I'd like to try therapy but I'm not sure about her. I'm going to go with or without her. I found a therapist I guess I like. If we see him the first thing he will do is have us do the Grottoman survey. I'm very curious to see how that will turn out. Everything still very much in the air. But I've made such a huge issue out of sex and intimacy that anything she was to give me, if we ever even attempted it, would feel fake. I kind of wish I had kept my mouth shut and attempted to outsource.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 14, 2022 11:11:33 GMT -5
onempty: "I kind of wish I had kept my mouth shut and attempted to outsource. "
No. What you are doing now makes more sense. It might also be a good idea to have an individual therapist, a different therapist that's just for you. I did individual therapy along with couples counseling. Over time, it was obvious that my refuser wasn't invested in the couples counseling. For instance, he'd arrive late almost all of the time. Then, when we went on a weekend trip that was supposed to lead to sex, he managed to trump up a reason to stop speaking to me for the whole trip. He'd never done that before. At that point, I quit the joint therapy because it was clear it was a waste of time. However, I continued with my individual therapy, focusing on me. WIth that therapist's support, I grew into the type of person I'd always wanted to be. Eventually, that led to my deciding to divorce, which I was able to do with relief, not rancor. It ended up that my refuser also had wanted to divorce but was afraid to tell me. I'm now with a man who is a good fit for the person I grew into. But if I'd outsourced, I would not be in the place I am now because what I really had needed to develop first was myself. I needed to evolve into a person whom I really liked and enjoyed. Individual therapy with a wonderful therapist allowed me to do that. Through it, I also realized that I deserved more than the kind of relationship I had with my refuser, and I realized I'd be happier single than continuing to be with him.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 14, 2022 13:19:41 GMT -5
Focus on you. Your needs. Your health. Your well being. You will have flip and flop days. But repeat the above. Focus on you. Your needs ... Last couple days we haven't saw much of each other. One day it seems like we are 100% divorcing the next maybe we will at least try therapy. I'd like to try therapy but I'm not sure about her. I'm going to go with or without her. I found a therapist I guess I like. If we see him the first thing he will do is have us do the Grottoman survey. I'm very curious to see how that will turn out. Everything still very much in the air. But I've made such a huge issue out of sex and intimacy that anything she was to give me, if we ever even attempted it, would feel fake. I kind of wish I had kept my mouth shut and attempted to outsource. |
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Post by baza on Mar 14, 2022 17:27:43 GMT -5
Last couple days we haven't saw much of each other. One day it seems like we are 100% divorcing the next maybe we will at least try therapy. I'd like to try therapy but I'm not sure about her. I'm going to go with or without her. I found a therapist I guess I like. If we see him the first thing he will do is have us do the Grottoman survey. I'm very curious to see how that will turn out. Everything still very much in the air. But I've made such a huge issue out of sex and intimacy that anything she was to give me, if we ever even attempted it, would feel fake. I kind of wish I had kept my mouth shut and attempted to outsource. Extracting yourself out of an ILIASM deal is bloody hard and challenging work Brother onempty , and requires full attention. Adding on a further complication - like outsourcing - is probably not such a great idea at this point. Hope your counselling session(s) whether with your missus, or solo, helps you through your process. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 14, 2022 18:57:14 GMT -5
I kind of wish I had kept my mouth shut and attempted to outsource. Outsourcing in a committed dysfunctional relationship is like going on vacation because you hate your house and the city in which you live. It's a place you visit as an event but most of the time you LIVE at home. And so much of your life takes place in the quiet, unattended, in between time at home. Visiting some place else can remind you of other ways to live that might be better, changing your perspective on things, but it isn't where you live. At the end of the day with outsourcing, you put your clothes back on and walk through the doorway to a place where you feel hated, sleeping beside a person who doesn't like you and doesn't want you to be there. In short, outsourcing - whether an affair or open relationship - may open up a place to escape to, but it doesn't diminish the shithole which constitutes a marriage in which you don't feel loved or wanted, or in which you feel actively resisted. If you want to change the way you feel day to day, that means you need long term structural change - not an escape valve. Not to mention, infidelity can affect the outcome of divorce proceedings in some jurisdictions (you will know from the lawyer) and can affect child custody in others (your lawyer will inform you if you ask, so do ask). Even if it doesn't affect the outcome legally, there is a wide range of generosity with which two people can CHOOSE to approach a separation. Like any negotiation, it helps to mitigate the effects of a dysfunctional relationship to the extent that you can to yield better results. |
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