Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 27, 2022 13:23:11 GMT -5
onempty. I can understand why you feel this way. But I would encourage you to stick around however.
I doubt that you will get brutal honesty elsewhere like you do here. This is a place where you will find empathy but its sprinkled in with some tough love. It might give you some visibility in your blindspots. Things you may have not thought about.
It may be tough to hear at times but better to hear it sooner rather than later. Think of it as a reflecting pond. Where what you say is played back to you from differing perspectives. At the end of the day, take what is valuable to you and filter out what you think is noise.
I will say this man to man. And this will be tough to hear.
You state below your wife filed first as if the situation was taken out of your hands from the beginning.
A differing view going back to your first post, is that you forced the issue over sex. Perhaps prematurely without doing some legwork and information gathering for different possible outcomes. I think that was the general tone at the time. Ignoring these perspectives because they seem like criticism might be a missed opportunity to correct for mistakes that you will continue to make. Thats the opoortunity here. A chance to reflect and see if there are things you can improve and can lead to desired outcomes down the road
I think most here agree you are on the right path now wrt divorce. That notwithstanding, I would argue there is a lot of emotional heavy lifting for you up ahead. This board might be of value even if difficult to hear at times.
At the end of the day though, take ownership of the fact that you call your own shots irrespective of what anyone here says.
It's a reason why I recommend to most people to consult a lawyer before you start doing things like moving funds out of a mutual account. Moving mutual assets and funds before they can be assessed and apportioned according to a separation agreement could be rightly construed as stealing. If you had been my own spouse and done that - it would have soured my optimism and cooperative spirit in the imminent divorce and replaced it with a justified certainty of acrimony. It would affect my choice of lawyer and legal approach accordingly, minimizing my level of care to ensure my spouse is set up for success in post marriage. Not to mention the real cost in money that the household pays to lawyers in legal services (this time via your wife) when one spouse launches a legal action to rightly prevent you from doing that without an agreement in place.
This stage of a separation is like having a fistfight beside a pair of handguns placed on the table (representing the lawyers).
Neither of you will get out of this without a black eye or a bruise, to be sure. But if one side begins losing too much, or if one side cheats on the rules, then the other will reach for that handgun and pull the trigger. It's not enough for both of you to be fair and transparent; you must also APPEAR to be fair and transparent.
Of all the separated people I know, the ones who were most successful (mitigating the worst), were those who spoke to their spouses on agreed priorities - in many cases those were ensuring the kids were well cared for - and then adjusting their own negotiables around those priorities. They also declared their intentions to their spouses on how they intended or hoped to go about the process of separation, with an expectation to negotiate. They had some base principles to which they agreed - like not disclosing to kids the adult scenarios you dealt with - and like ensuring that your kids have a successful mother and father who both are doing well in their lives.
The worst outcomes all came from people who unilaterally took actions like changing locks on doors, moving money to different accounts, taking assets, and accusing each other of crimes unwarranted. By worst - I mean devastatingly expensive and heartbreaking public conflicts. I explained to my own wife that my ideal divorce would mean that one day, we might both be at one of our kids' weddings, and still be able to enjoy the experience.[/quote]
You’ve been through this before and have read years of this type of situation so your points valid and people in earlier stages than me should take note but to defend my actions a bit …
I had initial consults with 2 different lawyers and neither mentioned any of this and I didn’t think to ask.
I suggested mediation but without saying anything she went out and retained the best lawyer she could find. Same one her friend used when she took her ex husband to the cleaners. You don’t do that unless you intend to do the same. My wife is the one who filed. From the very start she has been the hostile one.
As pointed out many times by others my wife had had total disdain for me for years.
My wife has a history of total disregard for our finances even during the good times. Gambled away our money and lied about it in the past. I have zero trust in her. I took half our meager savings and left her the other half. I don’t understand how that isn’t fair or would be considered “stealing”. I never moved any other asset except my paycheck which wasn’t such a good idea.
I have found this forum full of well intentioned people with a lot of good advice. Hopefully people read this thread and learn. But I’ve felt attacked on many of my posts and I think this will be my last.
[/quote]
I doubt that you will get brutal honesty elsewhere like you do here. This is a place where you will find empathy but its sprinkled in with some tough love. It might give you some visibility in your blindspots. Things you may have not thought about.
It may be tough to hear at times but better to hear it sooner rather than later. Think of it as a reflecting pond. Where what you say is played back to you from differing perspectives. At the end of the day, take what is valuable to you and filter out what you think is noise.
I will say this man to man. And this will be tough to hear.
You state below your wife filed first as if the situation was taken out of your hands from the beginning.
A differing view going back to your first post, is that you forced the issue over sex. Perhaps prematurely without doing some legwork and information gathering for different possible outcomes. I think that was the general tone at the time. Ignoring these perspectives because they seem like criticism might be a missed opportunity to correct for mistakes that you will continue to make. Thats the opoortunity here. A chance to reflect and see if there are things you can improve and can lead to desired outcomes down the road
I think most here agree you are on the right path now wrt divorce. That notwithstanding, I would argue there is a lot of emotional heavy lifting for you up ahead. This board might be of value even if difficult to hear at times.
At the end of the day though, take ownership of the fact that you call your own shots irrespective of what anyone here says.
It's a reason why I recommend to most people to consult a lawyer before you start doing things like moving funds out of a mutual account. Moving mutual assets and funds before they can be assessed and apportioned according to a separation agreement could be rightly construed as stealing. If you had been my own spouse and done that - it would have soured my optimism and cooperative spirit in the imminent divorce and replaced it with a justified certainty of acrimony. It would affect my choice of lawyer and legal approach accordingly, minimizing my level of care to ensure my spouse is set up for success in post marriage. Not to mention the real cost in money that the household pays to lawyers in legal services (this time via your wife) when one spouse launches a legal action to rightly prevent you from doing that without an agreement in place.
This stage of a separation is like having a fistfight beside a pair of handguns placed on the table (representing the lawyers).
Neither of you will get out of this without a black eye or a bruise, to be sure. But if one side begins losing too much, or if one side cheats on the rules, then the other will reach for that handgun and pull the trigger. It's not enough for both of you to be fair and transparent; you must also APPEAR to be fair and transparent.
Of all the separated people I know, the ones who were most successful (mitigating the worst), were those who spoke to their spouses on agreed priorities - in many cases those were ensuring the kids were well cared for - and then adjusting their own negotiables around those priorities. They also declared their intentions to their spouses on how they intended or hoped to go about the process of separation, with an expectation to negotiate. They had some base principles to which they agreed - like not disclosing to kids the adult scenarios you dealt with - and like ensuring that your kids have a successful mother and father who both are doing well in their lives.
The worst outcomes all came from people who unilaterally took actions like changing locks on doors, moving money to different accounts, taking assets, and accusing each other of crimes unwarranted. By worst - I mean devastatingly expensive and heartbreaking public conflicts. I explained to my own wife that my ideal divorce would mean that one day, we might both be at one of our kids' weddings, and still be able to enjoy the experience.[/quote]
You’ve been through this before and have read years of this type of situation so your points valid and people in earlier stages than me should take note but to defend my actions a bit …
I had initial consults with 2 different lawyers and neither mentioned any of this and I didn’t think to ask.
I suggested mediation but without saying anything she went out and retained the best lawyer she could find. Same one her friend used when she took her ex husband to the cleaners. You don’t do that unless you intend to do the same. My wife is the one who filed. From the very start she has been the hostile one.
As pointed out many times by others my wife had had total disdain for me for years.
My wife has a history of total disregard for our finances even during the good times. Gambled away our money and lied about it in the past. I have zero trust in her. I took half our meager savings and left her the other half. I don’t understand how that isn’t fair or would be considered “stealing”. I never moved any other asset except my paycheck which wasn’t such a good idea.
I have found this forum full of well intentioned people with a lot of good advice. Hopefully people read this thread and learn. But I’ve felt attacked on many of my posts and I think this will be my last.
[/quote]